Last Round Up At The Blog Award Corral

So, last time you were here, I talked about...

(Hmmmmmmm. I'm assuming you were here to read the last thing I wrote. I don't know that for a fact. For all I know, the last time you were here was during the Bush administration.)

Last time I was here, I told you about how I was going to get rid of a bunch of dead links on my sidebar. I have done that. I also said I was going to delete other stuff. What follows is some of that other stuff. They are the awards I've been given.

My reason for getting rid of them isn't because I've suddenly become less ego-driven and more humble. Even if I was, you wouldn't believe me if I told you I was, so why bother? No, the reason for getting rid of these is there's way too much crap on my sidebar. I want to give the blogs of folks I link to an actual chance at being visited. The more clutter on the sidebar, the less chance anyone will see the important stuff.

(I think that's why I'm doing it. Jungian analysis might prove otherwise. So might being sober for any appreciable length of time. Neither is likely to happen, so I'm sticking with the previous paragraph.)

Getting on with whatever this is, I'll warn you that I am about to hit a new low vis-a-vis republishing old and previously-seen material. What follows is all readily available on my sidebar as of this writing. Yes, that's right. I am making a post out of what you can see on my sidebar any old day just by scrolling down. Talk about being a slug! The reason I'm doing this (aside from, again, Jungian or possibly fermented reasons) is that, should I ever find myself regretting getting rid of these awards (let's say I suddenly find myself needing rock solid proof that I'm a bloviating asshole) I'll have a ready place to access them again.

Yup. That's my story. If you find it hard to swallow, feel free to make up your own. Have a drink first.

Well, in any case, here we go. Feel free to read this silly shit here, or on the sidebar (or not at all, if you want me to have wasted the previous five minutes of my life, you bastard.)

One last useless note: Clicking onto any of the awards as displayed here will bring you to the post I did about receiving the thing, if indeed I did a post about receiving the thing. If there isn't a link, it's because I either never wrote a post about it or I've just plain forgotten where I put it (and, if you really feel like it, you can search my entire archive for it. That ought to keep you busy for a while, as well as lose me about half my readership when they discover what a jerkwad I can be. It's a win-win!)

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This is an award I received. Obviously, somebody made a huge mistake.

(This was the first award I ever received. I was young, naive, and didn't realize that just about everybody who writes a blog ends up with some kind of an award sooner or later if they stick around long enough [I was 280 posts into blogging before I got this one, and it would be 411 before I got another.] Go ahead. Click onto the link. If you're used to me being a total dick when I talk about receiving an award, this might be the funniest entry of them all. I'm polite and thankful and gee-gosh-golly about the whole thing.)

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Here's Another Award I Received. Obviously, ANOTHER Mistake Was Made.

On the other hand, this seems to have been no mistake at all.

(And this here is where I started doling out the vitriol. It seemed appropriate, since I was the one insulted first, although not really. And, after I published it and saw the comments, I said to myself, "Self, this could be a good recurring theme. You'd have the joy of throwing dirt onto wonderfully kind people on a regular basis and they might even thank you for it. Damn. Life couldn't get much better than that!")

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Here's yet ANOTHER award some misguided soul bestowed upon me. Egads!

What in the hell is that thing, anyway?

(I don't believe I ever did an actual posting about receiving this one [or, since I can't find any posts about them, the 7 or 8 following, as hard as that is for me to believe now.] Too bad, because it was with this award that I decided to start commenting on these hideous gewgaws on the sidebar. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!)

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This came from Crazy Cath, thus proving that she deserves the name.

And then, not too long after, she disappeared from the blogosphere altogether (although I have a feeling she may be lurking around here, even now, but just not telling me.) Her case was similar to some others. People (I use the term loosely) would give me an award, get what they expected from me when they did so, and then never be heard from again. That happened on a lot of these. It would be enough to make a man with more sense than I've ever shown become paranoid.

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This is getting ridiculous, people. Are you frickin' blind? I don't deserve any awards at all, let alone however many this makes. Lay off! I do NOT want to have to live up to these.

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Yet another award from some misguided soul. Million Dollar Friend? Me? Maybe in Guyanese Dollars...

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Must See Blog? THIS?!? You people are becoming more demented with each passing minute. The only way this blog is a "must see" is if you want a brain aneurysm from trying to work your way through my convoluted (and painfully parentheses filled) paragraphs full of lies, vulgarities, self-aggrandizations, and out-of-date references. If you came here from Sandra Ree's place, rest assured that, by actually directing you to this pile of perfervid putridity, she hates your guts.

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You people never learn. Here's another award. Or so I'm told, anyway. Apparently, it is written in Portuguese. It purportedly says all sorts of swell things. For all I know, it says, "Take this tree and shove it up your ass!" No, it couldn't say anything like that. Michelle is far too nice to tell me that. I think.

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Apparently, you get this one because you're a long-winded bastard who hijacks other people's comments sections. Finally, an award I deserve!

(I'm rather amazed I didn't find a post connected with this one. Anyway, it came from Jeni, one of my long-time and most-faithful readers, the poor soul.)

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In the same way that poop is fun to eat! Another award. Amazing. Somehow, I seem to have bamboozled whole bunches of otherwise sane people into thinking I am worthy of notice.
Of course, this award comes from Supreme Exalted Empress Lime, so I can't refuse it and expect to live.
(Cute girl. Maybe I'm supposed to be the pooch?)

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Supposedly, this was given to me because I keep it real. The mind boggles.

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In being awarded this spiffy new, um, award, part of the qualifications for it read as follows:
[these bloggers] are not interested in self-aggrandizement.
Beelzebub on jet-powered roller skates! Me? Not interested in self-aggrandizement?
My every waking thought concerns self-aggrandizement.
But I'm taking the award, anyway, because, well, see the previous sentence.

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I Em Onnurred!

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Aarrgghh! It's coming to get me!

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Aarrgghh! Michelle Hickman Gave Me PD!

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When life gives you lemons, tell life to go and fuck itself.

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I Jiggled Her Jell-O!

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Finally! An Award That Makes Sense!

(The stupendously wonderful thing about this post is that right about now, if you look over to your left, you'll see that what you already read up above is now showing up on the sidebar!)

(Well, that's if you're reading this now, and not a year or two later. In that case, I have no idea what's on the sidebar to the left. Probably porn of some sort.)

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Friend Of Brassieres Perry Como Flowers? WTF?

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Accepted with the proviso that I don't have to eat any crawfish.

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From Eddie Bluelights, internationally famous duck fondler and Queen Elizabeth impersonator!

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Well, At Least ONE Person Finds Me Entertaining...

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I Like To Slather 'em In Ketchup And Wrap Them In Baloney!

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These, Too!

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HIGH-larious? Might there be something illicit here? A bit of Barbie contraband, perhaps? *snort*

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I Was Named Something-Or-Other Of The Year! Wahoo!

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I am also the Adrian Adonis of Articles, as well as the Hulk Hogan of Hieroglyphics!

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I believe I may be Pooh. And I am also apparently some character from A. A. Milne.

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The Honest Crap Award. Well, I certainly deserve THIS one! Oh, wait - it's The Honest SCRAP Award.
I have no idea if I deserve THAT. I'm keeping it anyway.

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A woman in an apron? Wow! That's What I Call Over The Top!

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'cause I'm like all smart 'n stuff

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'cause I'm like all melted 'n stuff? Or I'm funny - haha - like a clown? Or I'm scary? Or something.

Damned if I know.

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From Eddie Bluelights, Internationally Famous Duck Fondler & Queen Elizabeth Impersonator! No, wait. I already said that up above with another of these travesties he foisted upon me. I'll just call him a big poofter and see how long it takes him to find out. Tee-Hee!

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In case you're wondering, it's an asshat!

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By this time in the game, do I really need to make another joke? I mean, if you've scrolled down this far on the sidebar, you've certainly seen enough of my style to make up your own. Go for it.
No need to tell me about it, though, OK?

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The Spinning Sun Award For Post Of The Week (from Everyday Goddess)

(Except I don't think it's spinning because I'm useless when it comes to technical aspects of blogging. Actually, I'm useless in most ways, so it should come as no surprise that I'm versatile in that way, too.)

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And now, I come to the realization that there are a couple of awards, given to me in recent times, that I never even had the decency to put on my sidebar at all. Here they are, with appropriately snotty commentary.

This one came from Sweet Pea (who is not Popeye's bastard child, but rather a lovely young woman with a resemblance to... no, if I tell you that here, it will be giving away most of any reason to click onto it and read the actual post wherein I accept the damned thing.)

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Oops! Lime gave me the same damn award just a couple of months later.
That means I had an extra excuse to release the venom!

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And, finally, here's one that came from Sick Bitch. Yes, that's her blog handle, not my opinion.
I think she's lovely and only semi-demented, which is the same as me except vice-versa.

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One more, again from Sweet Pea. She so enjoyed being flayed the first time around,
she offered her fine arse up to me again, silly child!

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And that, my friends (or, what's left of my friends), is that. I tried my damnedest to make this the first blog I ever wrote to actually extend below the end of my sidebar, but I failed (and, as explained earlier, that's why these things are going the way of the dodo.)

I am done with accepting awards, so don't send me any more. They will be righteously ignored.

However, if you like these baubles, and want one of your own, feel free to take one or two and plaster 'em up at your place. The only rule I require you to follow is that you don't tell a single soul where you got them.

If you want to tell some married souls, OK.

Soon, with more better stuff (but a much less crowded sidebar, sometime next week.)