Thursday, January 08, 2009

Kreativ? Me? Aw, Shucks!

This is moo goo gai pan. You won't know why this picture is here until you get to the end, at which point you'll wish it wasn't.

This will, at first blush, appear to be a re-run of some sort. I assure you, however, that it isn’t.

I have been given an award.

See what I mean? I get one of these things every two or three weeks now, it seems. I usually respond with a combination of rudeness and humility. I’m rude when talking about the award itself (although sometimes I direct my disparaging remarks toward the person who gave me the award) and I'm humble concerning my worthiness to be receiving any sort of honor. It's a tough combination to pull off, but I give it my best shot.

Well, there are only so many self-deprecating things I can say and I’ve pretty much said them all before. I can be as demure and self-effacing as anyone (well, maybe not the Dalai Lama or Mister Rogers) but that gets tiring, especially when the protestations glaringly surpass the level of any actual talent I possess. At that point, humility becomes an even more vile form of bragging. And it's easy enough to bluster on concerning the idiocy of the person doing the awarding, telling you that he/she should be let out of his/her straitjacket only long enough to take care of rudimentary hygiene, the reason being they haven't the brains of a slug or otherwise they wouldn't be so easily deceived concerning my relative intelligence, talent, niceness, and/or generosity, but I’m unwilling to cross the line wherein I actually make someone cry, and that limits the opportunities for gut-busting laughter.

So, I guess I’ll just say golly gee-whilikers I’m proud to have been given the "Kreativ Blogger Award"! I’ll now follow the rules regarding the awarding of the, um, award to other bloggers, and...

No. I’m sorry. I can’t allow this easy a pitch to pass by without taking a swing. The "Kreativ Blogger Award"? Judas on a tricycle! Who came up with that spelling? And why? Is it purposely cutesy-wootsy or just willingly ignorant? I mean, if you change the "C" to a "K" that’s one thing, and if you lop off the final silent "E" that’s another thing, but to do both, at the same time, isn’t so much creative as it is wonton. No, wait, that’s a deep-fried Chinese food. Wanton, is what it is. Wanton attention!

Oh, somebody! Please hit me over the head with a blunt object before I make more of these jokes! If you can’t find anything immediately suitable, use the wit of the person who invented this award. "Kreativ"? I suppose it is creative, in the same way that a vicious dog leaving a cat only three legs to hobble around on is creative, but that does little to swell the dog’s reputation and leaves you with somewhat less of a cat. In certain circles that might qualify as art...

You know the sad part of this whole thing? I’ll proudly be displaying this illoterate piece of trosh... excuse me, illiterate piece of trish... alliterative piece of plush... not-so-good-talking garbage in the same place as all of the other ridiculous awards I’ve received. You could give me the "Smelly Like A Big Pile Of Pig Shit Award" and I’d still give it a place of honor. You can’t possibly flatter me enough. Feel free to try. My ego is insatiable.

CatPants gave me this honor. She is no doubt regretting her decision even as we speak, except you aren’t speaking and I’m typing, so maybe she’s still OK with it, but I doubt that.

In order to qualify for the award, I’m supposed to list six characteristics that I love, then six characteristics that I hate, and then make up six categories of award in which I will pass on the, um, award to other bloggers.

Surprisingly, I think I’ll actually follow those rules. Listing things I love and hate is far too strong a temptation for a blowhard like me. And, while I usually don’t award these things to anyone else since I don't want to hurt the feelings of those I don't choose, the conceit of making up my own categories is very tempting.

Yeah, I’m going to do it.


1 – Wanton Lust

I think most guys admire this trait. Women fantasize about romance. Men dream of having their pants ripped off and someone saying a hearty hello to Mister Happy. Or maybe we dream of deep-fried Chinese food. I’m not at all sure about the spelling anymore.

2 – Sense Of Humor

While with this piece I've shown little in the way of one myself, I admire one greatly in others. If you can make me laugh, I can tolerate almost anything else you do.

3 - Honesty, But With Discernment

I appreciate someone who will tell me the truth, but only those truths I want to hear.

No joke; I mean that. Telling someone the truth when it hurts their feelings or otherwise causes them discomfort does nobody a favor but yourself. A lie told to spare someone's feelings is holy.

4 - Loyalty

Very important trait. If you abandon people at the first sign of trouble, then I don't want you near me. And if I abandon you in a similar situation, then I should go to hell.

5 - The Ability To Enjoy Absurdity

This life is full of all kinds of strange and tragic stuff. We should do what we can to ease the suffering of others, but if you're one of those people who mopes around, bemoaning the tragedies of life, and you fret about those things you can't possibly change, then please get away from me. Sometimes you just have to laugh and move on.

6 - Humility

Not to the extent that you believe you're worthless, but being able to realize the ways in which others might exceed your own abilities.

(Then, of course, you'll want to figure out how to get them to do your bidding, but that goes beyond the scope of this piece.)

Taken together, the above traits encompass all that is pure and noble in humanity, especially if you bring Chinese food and want to have sex.


I'll save some space and say the opposites of the six above.

And now, I get to give this poorly-spelled award to others!


That would be Michelle, over at The Surly Writer. She's an absolute sweetheart. She writes some nice stuff, too, but I just really like her, as a person, and it would do my heart good to see her achieve her goals.


Crystal, from Boobs, Injuries & Dr. Pepper. She has a phenomenal way with words and some amazing stories to tell of her past. If this woman doesn't somehow end up with published works, and if those published works don't sell kazillions of copies, then there is no hope for American literature. One of the funniest, most truthful, and original writers I have ever had the pleasure of reading.


This one is a tie. I'd love to belly up to the bar with both Buck, at Exile In Portales, and Lime, from House Of Lime. I think both of them are interesting, humorous, loyal, have a sense of the absurd, and... Hey! They embody those six traits I love! Well, maybe not the wonton lust. Or the wanton lust. Or... Oh, hell. If they like Chinese food, I'm OK with that, but I don't want either of them humping my leg.

Well, at least not Buck.


Hilary, at The Smitten Image. Her photography is extraordinary. She takes the commonplace and makes it look heavenly. I have no doubt she could take me (snaggle-toothed, red-faced, bald-headed, scraggly-bearded, overweight) and make me look like that guy from Twilight.

Oh, alright. She's not a miracle worker. But she's very, very good. Check her out.


That would be David McMahon, from Authorblog. A wonderful Australian bloke, by way of India, he is both an accomplished photographer and a published novelist. What he does that is most endearing, though, is to collect blog posts he finds entertaining and then share them with everyone. Getting a mention in David's "Post Of The Day" brings many new readers to your place. He's done me that favor quite a few times, and I thank him from the bottom of my heart.


Magazine Man. As I say on my sidebar, he is The Best Writer On The Internet. He has an incredible storytelling gift. I've sung his praises before, and something I've said about him before still applies. He is my generation's Mark Twain. Someday, he will be showered with gold coin.

If you've never read anything by him before, start with this: In Which My Secret Origin As A Super-Villain Is Revealed. If it doesn't grip you dramatically and make you laugh like a loon, then I've utterly misjudged my own audience.

(By the way, I think I'm at least the third person to have named Magazine Man as one of the people to get the award. That should give you a clue as to how good he is - or how bereft of original ideas I am.)


That's about it. Now we can dig into the Chinese food and have sex!

Oh! But first the folks I gave the award to have to decide if they want to give the award to other folks. If so, I think you're supposed to link to me and tell people you got the award here. I wouldn't advise your doing so, as being associated with me is no way to fame or fortune. At best, it is like having a hangnail removed. It might feel good, but you'd certainly be better off in the first place without it.

Before I leave you, I'll put a picture in your head that you'll want to get rid of, but will never be able to. I was just thinking that maybe I could cut out the middleman (so to speak) and just have sex with the Chinese food.

Oh! Moo Goo Gai Pan! You turn me on, baby!

Soon, with more better stuff.


Buck said...

Thanks, Jim. I think. We have very similar, if not outright identical, views on this made-up-award thingie. Maybe even awards, in general. The whole concept of "recognition" has been cheapened over the last 20 years or so, beginning with tee ball ("Everyone gets a trophy! We're ALL winners here!") and ending up with the travesty that is the modern-day Nobel Prizes. But at least the Nobels come with MONEY, which is eminently more useful than that gold medal, aside from the medal's residual pawn value. You know there's more... but this is a comment, not a post. Besides, we've already been there, kinda-sorta.

Rant aside, if ever there was an award category I'd enjoy and own up to, it's "BLOGGER I WOULD MOST LIKE TO HAVE A DRINK WITH." You're ON, My Friend. Next time I'm in Boston (or you in New Mexico), the first round's on me.

Katney said...

Is it remotely possible that the award was originated by someone in a country where creative is spelled kreativ in their home language?

Suldog said...

Well, I hadn't thought of that. However, I don't think of a lot of things.

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

Oh Sul....much of what youv'e written about I agree with, which surprised me, though you may have not written the book on women, though I'm too chicken to elaborate...!

I have to say though that though some awards look a but krankie and krazee...such spellings!! I do feel most are given with big hearts and sincerity....

Suldog said...

Let me assure everyone, before we go any further (or farther, or mother) that I truly do appreciate getting awards. I know they are given with heartfelt sincerity. It's just that I like to have a bit of fun. Nothing I say in posts like these should be taken too seriously (except for the bits about Chinese food and sex, which I adore both of.)

Angie Ledbetter said...

Well, poo. I was gonna have lomein and shrimp tonight, but you've ruined that. :) Congrats on another well deserved award.

And on this -- "Well, there are only so many self-deprecating things I can say and I’ve pretty much said them all before." -- maybe THE WIFE could help ya out.

Hilary said...

You, dear Sully, are a nutjob and a total sweetheart. A perfect balance of lunacy and the kind of stuff that just makes me want to give you a hug. Thank you for the lovely words about my photography. And darn you for making it so that I might never eat Chinese food again.

lime said...

i was thinking of ordering chinese tonight...the decision is now made, thank you.

dude, i TRIED to have a drink with you when i was in boston! some excuse about you being a responsible human being with an actual job requring your actual presence interfered with my opportunity to eat chinese food and hump your leg at the bar....well, the leg humping would also have been prevented by my sense of what constitutes a minimal sense of decorum in public places and the fact that we are both married.

you can make it up to me the next time i get up that way. i like woodchuck hard cider and chinese food is fine (though thai is even better....i've been known to, at the very least, make noises like i am humping someone's leg when i get good thai...oh you give good thai....oh yeah, baby...), spicy cashew chicken, crab rangoons, and buddha's delight are my favorites.

ok, all that said, i like being the girl drinker you'd most like to have a blog with....wait, drinking blog you'd most like to have a girl you know what it is (what was IN that shirley temple?) surely you must be joking? i'm not the joker and shirley is over there dancing on the bar....*hic thanksh....

Meredith Teagarden said...

Congrats on the award! Humbly taken, I might add ;). Now to read your recommendations.

CatPants said...

Maybe if we can locate General Tso and his "chicken", then we can really get the party going.

Or someone with a really fresh spring roll?

Really though, just as long as I don't have to have sex with the "poo poo platter", I'm fine.

Christina LMT said...

I second what Katney said. The first thing I thought when I saw the award was, "Oh. German."

Congrats! Wanton/Wonton...who cares? They're both yummy.

Jeni said...

I love the way you handle these awards! And, I also love the choices you make too as frequently by your awards, I end up with those bloggers you have chosen then on my blogroll. (Which by the way is getting entirely too large for me to manage about now too though!)
At least three of your selections for awards have already made their way into my blogroll now.
And, did you notice in MM's latest post -sad news -as he is now unemployed. There's a bum deal if ever I saw one. However, maybe we should deluge him with requests that he take his talent as a writer to a higher level and compile a book of the "Best of" posts from MM.
Anyway -congrats on the award, on the way you handled giving it out and yes, you are a very "Kreatif" blogger -and person, in general.
Keep up the great work!

Moannie said...

What can I say? You are all too clever for me.
Selfdeprecation, irony, humility, humour...sort that lot out.

unbelievably veri. word is:

Crystal said...

Why, thank you so much! Apparently, though, I'll have to sell my soul to the devil to be published. Anyone have his cell number?

Suldog said...

I can't recall the whole thing, but I believe it's in the 666 exchange.

Michelle H. said...

Thank you, Jim, my light gray friend! I know you are very deserving of this award more than I. A great big hug is coming your way!

Carolina said...

Hi, just this afternoon I read your story about the award you received and I wondered if I should react to it, telling you how I laughed, but then decided not to. Sorry. But you get so many reactions and I am far too modest for my own good. Anyway, congratulations on your award!
And I assume you work for a farmaceutical company? Strangely (is that a word?) enough your comment was almost appropriate because I have been sick the last couple of days. Everything that went in came quickly out the wrong end looking like your plate of chinese food. Feeling much better now, lost a few pounds (hiephoi = Dutch for 'hurray') and do not need any injections or medication, thank you.
I am very sorry that you can't read my really very funny and interesting blogstories. You are missing so much ;-)
Nice to hear (I mean read) from you. Feel I have made a new friend. Strange medium, this internet.

david mcmahon said...

Asian food gets my vote every time, Jim.

And thank you for the wonderful mention. You are a kind and gracious man.

Sorry I've been AWOL since Christmas - it was like the spin cycle of a washing machine, but now that I'm back from the west coast, I'm slowly playing catch-up.

Sandi McBride said...

OMG, I've not laughed so hard all day...Jim you are a damned riot...thanks for the hearty cheering and now where's my damned Moo Goo Gai Pan?

Shrinky said...

Well seeing as how I've managed to miss my sodding flight, I thought I'd step in for a fresh rummage around in here. I am so glad I did, you made me laugh out loud with that dog/cat analogy.. (still grinning).

Pat - An Arkansas Stamper said...

Yep! You are certifiably insane; I love you wontonly!

I do, very much, approve of your list of folks to whom to pass on the strangely spelled (but accurate) award. Several of them I already read regularly; others will, no doubt, go on the blog roll at first reading.

Rosehips said...

Suldog, The word Kreativ is a masherbatoration of the original Hun 'KREATIN' from which comes our more common word, cretin

i beati said...

I found this post to be moooo goooey and kreativ sandy

Jenn said...

Luckily I am not a fan of Moo Goo anything or I might have to avoid Chinese food forever.

Guess in the spirit of this post I should say "Cudos" for your award.

Woman in a Window said...

Suldog, you continually spin the blogging world on its Moo Goo.

Peter N said...

Wow Sul, great post. And hooray for number 14!

Janet said...

I love it when you get awards. I actually got this one myself. Same spelling, different background. I have no clue.
I did once have a phone number with a 666 prefix. It was appropriate since I was living in hell at the time.

Janet said...

By the way, your Sox are STEALING John Schmoltz from my Braves. You're welcome.

jinksy said...

This is the second time today you've had me laughing till the tears run down my face! Have a Putty Medal,First Class, never mind about a Kreativ award.

Anonymous said...

Interesting blog...........
I sure will be visiting again to read it in full.
have a great day ahead