Sunday, March 25, 2018


[original artwork by Jim Sullivan, as if anyone else would claim it.]

The title, and the artwork, should give you some small hint about my newest column in the Boston Herald. Or not. I don't know. The art isn't very good and doesn't really give you the idea. It's supposed to be of someone encountering the sort of things I sometimes write here, which used to be strewn with obscenities on occasion. But this isn't obscene and neither is my column, which you can find at...

... but the column is about obscenities, if that helps.

As always, thanks a shitload for reading me.

Soon, with more, bitch.

Thursday, March 22, 2018

If You Don't Find This Amusing, Have A Cookie

[This last appeared on these pages in 2010. Since nobody in his (or her) right mind would have dredged through my backlog that far, and since I got a kick out of re-reading it myself, I figure you might enjoy it. If not, see the title above for good advice.]

I once owned a cat who adored watermelon. Any time I would have a slice, he would sidle up next to me and meow for some. The first couple of times he did so, I more-or-less ignored him. I said, "Silly cat! You don't want watermelon! I'll give you some mackerel after I'm done."

Finally, perhaps the third time he jumped up on the table and meowed for the watermelon, I said, "Okay, dopey, I'll give you a little piece, but you're going to be disappointed."

I broke off a tiny bit of the fruit and held it out for him. He gobbled it up, then meowed for more. I sliced off a couple of larger hunks and proffered them. He chomped on them greedily, even licking up the juices after the solid stuff had disappeared down his gullet. It was so much fun to see a cat lusting for watermelon, I gave him half of my slice, rind and all. He attacked it, devoured it down to the rind, and then he gnawed on that for a while, too. When the watermelon was completely gone, he seemed to be as sad as I was (and I was pretty sad, too, because I had given half of my watermelon to him.)

After that, whenever I had watermelon, I would cut him up a small bowl of it, and he'd dive into it with the sort of fervor usually reserved for female cats in heat. I've never seen another cat with such a taste for watermelon.


Speaking of cats, I once tried smoking catnip.

This was during my more experimental drug days, as you might imagine. I was temporarily out of the sort of weed I usually smoked, and the catnip was handy. I figured, what the hell; cats seem to have a great time with it, so maybe I'll discover something really excellent and a bargain besides. I rolled a small catnip joint, lit it up, and took a cautious toke.

After waiting a minute, and seeing that I didn't die or go into a fit, I took another draw on it. The taste wasn't entirely unpleasant - nor was it something I'd do again just for that aspect of it. I checked all of the usual suspects for signs that something useful might be happening - paranoia; obsession with small details; unfunny things becoming hilarious; the delights of music multiplying exponentially. I came up blank. Nothing.

Well, I shouldn't really say "nothing." I had the strangest craving for watermelon...


Speaking of watermelon, you're familiar with Murphy's Law, right? In case you need a refresher, here it is:

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Since the time when Murphy first uttered those words - probably after downing eight or nine pints, and then finding that his zipper was stuck - there have been a multitude of additions, addenda, and analyses from other philosopher types. For instance...

O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law - Murphy was an optimist.

... which has always been my favorite.

I recently unearthed a few more.

Klink's Theory of Relativity - All tragedy, no matter how horrendous, will eventually become comic material.

Ramone's Law of Reduction - Everything can be simplified, and usually to good effect.

Moe's Dictum Regarding Free Speech - Just because you're free to say whatever you want, that doesn't mean you won't get a ripsaw dragged across your noggin for having done so.

Curly's Corollary to Moe's Dictum - N'yuk! N'yuk! N'yuk! Ow!

Fluffy's Valid Observation - There's a reason they call it CATnip, Jim. Hey! Is that watermelon? Yum!

Speaking of segues, I don't have one. However, let's finish with...

Sullivan's Suggestions for Happy Living

Never stand if you can sit.

Never sit if you can lie down.

Never run when you can walk.

Never walk when you can ride.

If somebody is perfectly happy pulling your wagon, it makes little sense for you to get out and push.

Cookies make everything better.

And, if you find yourself with the opportunity to take a pee, what are you gonna gain if you don't? Of course, if you ate less watermelon, you wouldn't have to pee so often.


Speaking of Google, if you enter "Cat Watermelon" in a search for images, you will come up with an amazing assortment of photos. Who knew? The one I chose to adorn the top of this page came from Epic Pics Of Win. I would have assumed LOLCATS, but I smoke catnip. What do I know?

Soon, with meow better stuff.

Sunday, March 18, 2018

Open It Anywhere

If you read my column in today's Boston Herald, you'll soon find that I'm all over the place. Why? Because, while writing it, I opened my almanac and wrote about whatever was on the page I landed upon. Open an almanac to anything and I'll enjoy something on that page. I love almanacs.

For my birthday a couple of weeks ago, MY WIFE bought me the World Almanac for 2018. I have been engrossed in it ever since. I sit in the room where I smoke and read about such things as average mean temperatures, gross domestic products, all-time leaders in passing yardage, and top-selling fiction of 1965. The book is 1007 pages and crammed with fuel for my thought mill.

Anyway, you'll find some of my ruminations on this Almanac...


... and I thank you in advance for going there and reading.

Soon, with more better stuff.


Wednesday, March 14, 2018

19 Inches

According to a reliable local weather map, that's how much snow we got in the Watertown area today. For those unfamiliar with the exact location, look west of Boston; somewhere near Natick and Concord, more or less. And it is still lightly coming down.

Here's something I wrote about it.

I hope your weather has been more delightful. I'm not complaining, though. After all, it gave me something about which to write and that's always welcome.

Soon, with more better stuff.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

What Time Is It?

I don't know what time you're reading this, but it's possible you don't know either. If you need a clue, there may be one in my column in today's Boston Herald. Here's a serendipitous link!

Serendipitous Link!

As always, I thank you for showing up in this barren wasteland of a blog. No matter what time it is where you are, it's always a time of appreciation from me to you.

Soon (relatively speaking) with more better stuff.

Sunday, March 04, 2018


No, this isn't a post about Roger Maris.

(Baseball fans got that. If you aren't one, don't worry. There won't be a quiz or anything.)

61 is how old I became on Friday.

(Well, I became that old over the course of approximately 61 years. It became official on Friday.)

That's enough of whatever that was. My column in today's Boston Herald is about the age I officially became on Friday. If you'll read it, that would be swell. If you don't, I'll still be 61. Here comes a wonderful link to get you there (or for you to utterly ignore if you don't want to go there.)


OK, see you later. Thanks for coming.

Soon, with more better stuff.