Wednesday, October 17, 2018

If Past Performance Is Any Indication, The Future Is Bleak

I miss candy cigarettes.

 [Image from]

I think easing children into hideous vices by plying them with candy was a swell idea. There also used to be bubble gum cigars but those were for the rich kids. I haven't been in a candy store lately but, given the past, I assume these days a kid can buy a set of works made from spun sugar; maybe a licorice whip to tie off a vein.

Oh, OK, I suppose that's farfetched. Spun sugar would break too easily. It's probably Gummi hypos. By the way, you can still buy candy cigarettes on-line. They generally don’t come with a red-painted tip suggestive of being lit, they don't have packaging that features an actual brand-name cigarette logo, and the manufacturers calls them “candy sticks”. We older kids know what they used to be, though, and  - as some places selling them suggest - they could be a dandy gift for someone trying to quit the real things (but not for me, if that's what you're thinking, because if you give me candy cigarettes you'll just put me on the road to Type II Diabetes in addition to my incipient emphysema.)

Let's move on to another old fart ramble before I start thinking too clearly about what I just said. Does anybody patch kid's clothes these days? Sooner or later, every boy in our neighborhood wore something patched. I remember having a pair of jeans with both knees, both ass cheeks, and a spot on the crotch patched. The only other person I ever saw with pants like that was Emmett Kelly.

Am I wrong in assuming this was a boy thing? Were girl’s clothes patched? I don't recall seeing any girls with patches on their asses (and I was looking.)

Moving right along to the next station on this haphazard train of thought, what about paperweights? They used to be ubiquitous but I'm willing to bet dollars to donuts you can't put your hands on one right now (and, of course, donuts cost more than a dollar now, so that phrase has become meaningless.) I've heard of people who collect paperweights – and we should probably keep an eye on those folks - but does anybody still use them for their intended purpose of guarding a stack of paper from being blown away by a sudden gust of wind? Heck, never mind paperweights. Stacks of paper are redundant.

Hey, here’s something else to make young people laugh derisively at me! How about toy guns? Do kids still get toy guns as presents? I don't mean water pistols. Those will always be around. Who doesn't like giving someone a face full of water now and again? But what about cap guns, miniature Thompson sub-machine guns, realistic wooden rifles...

[photo from Daily Caller, where you'll find an article all about toy guns]

I suppose BB guns still exist. I sure hope so, anyway. That was the coolest gift ever, even before A Christmas Story became so popular. What kid in his right mind wouldn't want a toy that could shoot someone’s eye out? The only thing more entertaining was a chemistry set with which you could attempt to blow up your entire family.

[photo from MY ARTICLE in DISCOVER Magazine. Imagine that!]

What else can I go on about like a boring old geezer with no life? Hey, I've got it! Do you hang out clothes to dry? I'm willing to bet treasury bonds to donuts you don't. Hell, clotheslines are banned in some places. This is because the hideous yuppies elected to city councils in those locales decided clotheslines were an eyesore. Never mind that clothesline manufacturers now had to use the last of their stock to hang themselves. And another thing! Where do butterflies sleep?

Wow! That may be the best non-sequitur ever! But, seriously, does anybody know the answer? Worms sleep underground, ants have hills, moths seem to enjoy spending the night wherever my wife keeps her clothes, and I suppose Miley Cyrus might have a crack house someday, but butterflies? I have no idea. Maybe they used to sleep on clotheslines but now they're homeless, you yuppie bastards!

Why are they called BUTTERflies? Send a self-addressed stamped envelope to:

 Astoundingly Stupid Contest
93 Winsor Avenue
Watertown, MA, 02472.

Please enclose $5 processing fee. You might be a winner (although if you fall for this and send me the five bucks, I doubt it.)

OK, I've yearned nostalgic for stuff most people are glad is gone; made a fistful of obvious jokes; and thrown out a shot in the dark at suckering you into sending me money. I guess that’s enough for today. It’s almost Halloween, so Merry Christmas!