If You Don't Find This Amusing, Have A Cookie

[This last appeared on these pages in 2010. Since nobody in his (or her) right mind would have dredged through my backlog that far, and since I got a kick out of re-reading it myself, I figure you might enjoy it. If not, see the title above for good advice.]




I once owned a cat who adored watermelon. Any time I would have a slice, he would sidle up next to me and meow for some. The first couple of times he did so, I more-or-less ignored him. I said, "Silly cat! You don't want watermelon! I'll give you some mackerel after I'm done."

Finally, perhaps the third time he jumped up on the table and meowed for the watermelon, I said, "Okay, dopey, I'll give you a little piece, but you're going to be disappointed."

I broke off a tiny bit of the fruit and held it out for him. He gobbled it up, then meowed for more. I sliced off a couple of larger hunks and proffered them. He chomped on them greedily, even licking up the juices after the solid stuff had disappeared down his gullet. It was so much fun to see a cat lusting for watermelon, I gave him half of my slice, rind and all. He attacked it, devoured it down to the rind, and then he gnawed on that for a while, too. When the watermelon was completely gone, he seemed to be as sad as I was (and I was pretty sad, too, because I had given half of my watermelon to him.)

After that, whenever I had watermelon, I would cut him up a small bowl of it, and he'd dive into it with the sort of fervor usually reserved for female cats in heat. I've never seen another cat with such a taste for watermelon.

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Speaking of cats, I once tried smoking catnip.

This was during my more experimental drug days, as you might imagine. I was temporarily out of the sort of weed I usually smoked, and the catnip was handy. I figured, what the hell; cats seem to have a great time with it, so maybe I'll discover something really excellent and a bargain besides. I rolled a small catnip joint, lit it up, and took a cautious toke.

After waiting a minute, and seeing that I didn't die or go into a fit, I took another draw on it. The taste wasn't entirely unpleasant - nor was it something I'd do again just for that aspect of it. I checked all of the usual suspects for signs that something useful might be happening - paranoia; obsession with small details; unfunny things becoming hilarious; the delights of music multiplying exponentially. I came up blank. Nothing.

Well, I shouldn't really say "nothing." I had the strangest craving for watermelon...

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Speaking of watermelon, you're familiar with Murphy's Law, right? In case you need a refresher, here it is:

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Since the time when Murphy first uttered those words - probably after downing eight or nine pints, and then finding that his zipper was stuck - there have been a multitude of additions, addenda, and analyses from other philosopher types. For instance...

O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law - Murphy was an optimist.

... which has always been my favorite.

I recently unearthed a few more.

Klink's Theory of Relativity - All tragedy, no matter how horrendous, will eventually become comic material.

Ramone's Law of Reduction - Everything can be simplified, and usually to good effect.

Moe's Dictum Regarding Free Speech - Just because you're free to say whatever you want, that doesn't mean you won't get a ripsaw dragged across your noggin for having done so.

Curly's Corollary to Moe's Dictum - N'yuk! N'yuk! N'yuk! Ow!

Fluffy's Valid Observation - There's a reason they call it CATnip, Jim. Hey! Is that watermelon? Yum!

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Speaking of segues, I don't have one. However, let's finish with...

Sullivan's Suggestions for Happy Living

Never stand if you can sit.

Never sit if you can lie down.

Never run when you can walk.

Never walk when you can ride.

If somebody is perfectly happy pulling your wagon, it makes little sense for you to get out and push.

Cookies make everything better.

And, if you find yourself with the opportunity to take a pee, what are you gonna gain if you don't? Of course, if you ate less watermelon, you wouldn't have to pee so often.

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Speaking of Google, if you enter "Cat Watermelon" in a search for images, you will come up with an amazing assortment of photos. Who knew? The one I chose to adorn the top of this page came from Epic Pics Of Win. I would have assumed LOLCATS, but I smoke catnip. What do I know?

Soon, with meow better stuff.