Friday, January 23, 2009

The Lime Interview

A couple of days ago, my lovely internet buddy, Lime, was interviewed over at her place. At the end of the interview, she said...

"If any of you want to be interviewed you can either steal this list of questions or I will generate 5 original questions. Just let me know your preference."

To which I replied...

"Oh, Lime! You have to be aware of the fact that I can't pass up such a self-aggrandizing opportunity. Yes, please interview me. I'll do my best to answer your questions in a way that will make you immediately regret being so kind."

She sent me the questions, as promised, and here are my answers, as threatened.

1 - All sports as we know it have been banned. All sports equipment and factories for their manufacture have been destroyed. All the rulebooks have been burned. All professional, amateur, and children's leagues have been disbanded. Invent a new sport to capture the hearts of a nation. You cannot pay any professionals more than the average factory worker makes, men and women have to be able to compete in the same league, and children have to be the coaches and officials.

Thanks for tossing me a softball on the first question. It’s always nice to be able to ease into these sorts of things.

Well, as every child knows, the funniest thing in the world are farts. So, since children will be the coaches and officials, I'm inventing the NFL - the National Fartball League.

There isn't actually a "fartball", but it sounds funnier that way, so that's what I'm calling it. The rules are simple. The object of the game will be to advance from your end of the playing field to the opponent's goal. However, you can only run while you're farting. And it has to be a big blatting fart, too; no silent-but-deadlies. If, at any time, you move without emitting an audible blast of gas, then your opponents get to try to score.

Training regimens for the athletes will consist of eating huge buckets full of baked beans, cabbage, radishes, broccoli, and beer.

Before every game, the crowd will stand at attention and sing the league's theme song:

Beans, beans, the musical fruit
The more you eat, the more you toot
The more you toot, the better you feel
Let's eat beans at every meal!

You win a game of fartball by scoring more goals than your opponent, of course, but you can also get a TKO if they pass out from your stench. Most of the kids won't care who wins; they'll be laughing so hard they won't be able to keep score anyway. Oh, and you can ONLY fart. You get thrown out of the game if you actually poop yourself.

I know some people don't find farting to be hilariously funny, and they will not be amused. That's OK, though, because the folks who don't find farting to be hilariously funny usually don't much care for sports to begin with, so it doesn't matter if they like it or not.

Well, this is off to a ripping start! What's the next question?

2 - What is the most fun you've ever had with your clothes on?

I don't understand the question. Fun? Clothes on?

Actually, it was probably in a parking lot in Connecticut. MY WIFE and I were in Hartford, on a short vacation built around a visit to Mark Twain's house. We had to go to a store for a few items. There was this place called Waldbaum's, a sort of combination supermarket and pharmacy.

Well, they had this system for delivering groceries to the parking lot for their customers. Basically, shopping carts loaded with food and drugs came rolling out of the store and into the parking lot. Nobody was pushing them; they just appeared from some sort of aperture in the store wall.

This struck both of us as absurdly funny. We lived in Dorchester (a neighborhood in Boston) at the time, and Dorchester was a fairly high crime area. We imagined what would happen in Dorchester if shopping carts full of food and drugs came rolling out into a parking lot at regular intervals, unguarded and fairly much free for the taking. As successive shopping carts appeared, we were reduced to paroxysms of braying laughter, tears literally running down our faces, as we pictured our neighbors of the time hiding behind the parked cars, waiting to scoot out and make off with a cart or two each.

As with most things of this nature, you probably had to be there to truly appreciate it. One thing I do know for sure is that if I ever find myself homeless, I'm going to make every effort to get back to that Waldbaum's parking lot and I hope they'll still be using the same system.

3 - An evil mastermind is going to destroy the world unless you can stop him. You are armed with a spoon, a rubber chicken, a can of Aquanet, and a bucket of peanuts. What is your plan?

OK, here’s what I’d do. I’d invite him over for dinner. I’d grind up the peanuts and put them into everything, and hope he has a severe allergy. If that doesn’t work, after dinner I’ll ask him if he wants to have sex with me.

(I’m as hetero as they come [no pun intended] but if the fate of the world is at stake, I’m willing to make some sacrifices.)

If the shock of me asking him for sex doesn’t kill him, I have another plan. Before he arrives for dinner, I will have cut a hole in the rubber chicken and sprayed the carcass full of the Aquanet, then patched it up. When he strips naked, I’ll jam the rubber chicken up his ass, light a match, and throw it at him. That ought to do the trick. Now, you're probably wondering how I would survive the resultant blast. I'll be hiding behind the spoon. You might say that's ridiculous, but you didn't specify how big the spoon had to be.

If he doesn't have a peanut allergy, or isn't interested in gay sex, I'll just whack him over the head with the really big spoon. As a matter of fact, I should probably do that first. I might not feel like cooking that night (although missing out on the chance to shove a rubber chicken up someone's butt might leave me sad. It's not often you get that sort of an opportunity.)

4 - What is the worst job you've ever had, who do you think deserves to have to do it for the rest of their natural life, and why?

Dishwasher. For the why, here's the story. For the who, go here.

That wasn't very funny, even by my minimal standards. I wouldn't be much of a Christian if I wished that job on anyone, but if I have to give you an answer, I guess I'll go with the person who invented how they package CDs.

5 - When I get myself back up to Boston where are we going for that drink?

After the answers I’ve given you thus far, I’m grateful that you still think being seen in public with me is something you’d like.

I’ll take you to one of my favorite places in the entire world, The Pleasant CafĂ©.

It’s a real old-time restaurant/bar, in the Roslindale neighborhood of Boston, and they serve (in my very humble opinion) the best pizza in Boston. If you don’t like pizza, then I’d recommend the spaghetti with meat sauce. I’ve heard they have other good things on the menu, but in all my time going there, which is over 45 years now, I’ve never ordered anything but the pizza and the spaghetti with meat sauce. Since I’ve ordered nothing else for over 45 years, either those things are very good or I’m insane. It could be both. MY WIFE says that the shish-kebob is almost as good to wear as it is to eat.

I said I wanted to have a drink with you, though, right? I guess neither pizza nor spaghetti with meat sauce qualifies (unless you dump the spaghetti out of the bowl and pour the meat sauce into a mug, and I certainly qualify as one of those) but the joint is a bar, too, so you can grab a shot of Old Granddad (which I’m not, so far as I know) and slug it down. I know they have Pabst Blue Ribbon, if you like beer or aren't particular about your water. Coming from Pennsylvania, you might like to stick with Rolling Rock. If you order something frou-frou, like an apple martini, I'll have to pretend I don't know you. Of course, by the time we get there, you might be pretending that you don't know me, which I can understand, and, as long as I have my pizza and spaghetti with meat sauce, I don't care.

And that's that. This has certainly been a pleasure, but I won't go out on a limb and say for who. I expect it was at least one of us.

Soon, with more better stuff.


lime said...

this was well worth the wait. i was a little worried about fartball being a sport for women since we never fart but i am sure the prescribed player diet will remedy that. lol.

i am warped enough to be able to picture the scene at walbaums and be pretty sure i'd have pulled a muscle laughing at that as well.

the plot to foil the evil henchman is disturbing, the stuff of nightmares. nonetheless i still would love to hit the pleasant cafe for pizza. i promise not to order an apple martini. let's just make sure we don't wind up washing dishes after the meal.

thanks so much for playing along :)

Craver Vii said...

Your exploding chicken reminds me of Denzel Washington's character in Man on Fire, where he does the same thing with C4.

Anonymous said...

Not only do I love this entry but also lime's comment. LMAO.

And Yes, Miss Channing was a trip.; The movie overall is actually still entertaining as an adult, it not a bit odd. Of course, so was Mr. Carroll.

Angie Ledbetter said...

On the Fartball, will there be microphones installed so the crowd and refs can judge fairly? BTW, the men in my family play a version of this same game on annual canoe trips...and sad to say my own DH (Deer Hunter) has disqualified himself several times. :)If I ever get to Boston to visit my nephew at WPI, I'm def gonna check out that diner/bar!

~j said...

wow....i am so glad that i took the time to visit today. that was an INCREDIBLE post. death by rubber chicken......hahahahahaha

Karen said...

I'm not big on sports, but even I might have a good time at a Fartball event! (Watching, of course. I don't fart.)

Buck said...

Ah... well done! I see we have common professional interests, as well. The worst week of my entire working life was spent doing what the USAF called "Academic KP," back in the day when service people still did their own chores before contracting became all the rage. I was assigned to "the clipper" (a huge dishwasher) in a C-shift dining hall that served guys going to tech school from six p.m. until midnite. It was hard, hot, dirty work (in Biloxi, Miss. think "humidity" as well as world-class heat) that seemingly lasted for-frickin'-ever.

I think I slept for 36 hours straight when that week was over...

Elaine Denning said...

God, you are so good at this kinda thing. I've been interviewed too. D'ya fancy answering mine for me?

GreenJello said...

Fartball. Pure genius.

Whatever you do, don't be smoking one of your cigarettes at a game!

Unknown said...

you said "poop yourself."

Saz said...

thanks for the huge laugh!!! So glad Lime altered the format slightly to aurral questions...a lotta fun!!

Carolina said...

Oh you had me in stitches there. Hubs is actually getting a little bit annoyed with me sitting behind a computerscreen with tears of laughter in my eyes and telling him that he MUST read this. But NOW I understand why you like the NOT stainless kind of women! And your mind works in mysterious ways. I thougt the first question was a really tough one, but no....not to you of course. If you actually would allow burping in the fartball-games, so that it would be something like fartburpball, I could join. My burps are quite good, my farts wouldn't get us anywhere near the finishline (or do I have to read the rules again? Is there a finishline? I'm not so sure anymore. Oh well...). Loved your post (as usual), your my blogGOD, although that sounds like a stalker, which I am not! No really!

T said...

Oh my, I haven't laughed so hard in ages. Excellent and fun post!!

Jane! said...

Good answers!
I think a person's appreciation of farting depends on whether they are the fart-er or the fart-ee.
Funny, funny post.

airplanejayne said...

Thanks for visiting! And after reading your interview, I am revising and editing mine prior to posting.

fartball. I'm sure this will be an Olympic sport at some point in time. And, I'm sure, some team will be disqualified for tampering...

Mrs. C. said...

Oh, the humanity. I thought for sure I was going to pee my pants before getting through Fartball, and then there was the evil henchman thing. Move over Jack Bauer, Suldog's comin' to save the world.

Chris Stone said...

Next time I'm in boston i'll check out the pleasant cafe... though... will keep a sharp eye out for anybody lurking in the corner, clutching a rubber chicken and large spoon with a WIFE that laughs uncontrollably every time "waldbaums" is said.

who knows, perhaps it was in the food, these past 45 years....

Chris Stone said...

oh and fartball. SUBSTANCE ABUSE!!!!

the nfl. full of it....

Jeni said...

If ever before reading this I had any questions in my mind about your sanity, they are all gone now. Man, you are absolutely -but most delightfully -flat out insane! "Fartball?" What a hoot -or perhaps I should say "What a toot!" My son would definitely qualify for that type of sport and would be eligible to be the highest paid for his ability to produce loud, really obnoxious farts, upon command -and without having had a canning kettle full of baked beans, with deviled eggs on the side, to eat. Although the eggs do tend to add a lot in the aroma department too. What do you do to enable yourself to conjure up these things? Just too damned funny! But a great post -that's for certain!

Hilary said...

Ah my early morning laugh(s). You never let me down. Kudos to Lime for coming up with these silliness-evoking questions. You both have wonderfully crazy minds.

Jinksy said...

Hurrah for Hilarity! Those projectile trolleys got my vote.

Uncle Jim said...

Poop Yourself.... POOP YOURSELF; since when did you leave your usual scatological adjectives behind? (Pun intended)

Unknown said...

Just when I think you have gone to the furthest reaches of the imagination to conceive of your blog posting hilarity I am proven dead wrong. This is hilarious.

For pizza here in the area I am a disciple of Bianchis on Revere Beach and Pino's in Brookline is a close running second. Always on the lookout for a 3rd option though so thanks for the tip :)

Jazz said...

I wanna play fartball! Unlike the rest of your readers, I'll admit I could do quite well if I had to.

Janet said...

I laughed so hard I was aching at fartball, and I was really almost afraid to read the rest of it in case I ruptured something. But I am a suldog addict, so of course I went for the whole thing. I am in severe pain now, but i think everything is intact. Fartball actually sounds like an excellent sport for older folks - it's one of the things that seems to get more prevalent with age. Lime is obviously a young person.
And in spite of the imagery of that question, the Pleasant Cafe sounds wonderful.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.