Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Three Awards, A Meme, And A Fondue




[I usually put this at the end of these things, but this is a long one and some of you might not get there before you curse me out and leave. I truly and sincerely appreciate it when someone thinks enough of me to give me an award. Most of the insults herein are in jest - yes, even the ones concerning Eddie Bluelights. I will proudly display these awards with all of the others I have been given, proving once again that I'm a hypocrite and my ego is absolutely insatiable. And that's enough of that. Let's get on with the ass whippings.]

You people are sick bastards.

(Well, one of you is an Essential Bastard, but he's in a sickness category all his own.)

Have you learned nothing from history? Does the past hold no meaning for you? Are you completely beyond reason and asking for the literary equivalent of a red hot poker up your bum?

I guess so. Over the past couple of weeks, I have been given three awards and I have also been tasked with a meme. Obviously, some folks like being eviscerated. Fine by me. I don't often let my true inner beast run rampant, but when four dopes basically challenge me to let him out and slobber all over them... well, let's have some fun, shall we?

Our first contestant this evening on It Pays To Be Ignorant is Angie Ledbetter, otherwise known as Gumbo Writer. She hails from Louisiana, which is probably explanation enough. With little thought for her own well-being, she bestowed this sarcasm upon me.



It is The Noblesse Oblige Award.

(Why are half of these things in a foreign tongue? Do the people who make these up think that giving them names from a romance language will make the damned things classier? Wake up, morons! The last good thing to come out of France was Brigitte Bardot, and the only reason we liked her was because she left France. They eat snails, for God's sake. And the only reason anyone can stand to be around their odiferous country is because the cheese stinks so bad you can't smell the actual French people.

Of course, half the population of Louisiana has French ancestry, so do I need to go on? No, but I will anyway. This is the part of the country that gave us Zydeco music, which is basically accordion played by guys who couldn't cut it in polka bands. And they couldn't find enough snails to eat, so they did the next best thing and started eating crayfish, which are roaches that didn't have brains enough to evolve into land dwellers. What's up with that? Get a lobster and find out what a real crustacean tastes like, Étouffée-For-Brains.)

Here's some laughable stuff that supposedly pertains to me.

* The Blogger manifests exemplary attitude, respecting the nuances that pervade amongst different cultures and beliefs
* Their Blog contents inspire; strives to encourage, and offers solutions
* There is a clear purpose at the Blog: one that fosters a better understanding on Social, Political, Economic, the Arts, Cultures, Sciences, and Beliefs
* The Blog is refreshing and creative; and The Blogger promotes friendship and positive thinking


Holy shit! Is there some other Suldog out there that I don't know about and who was supposed to receive this award instead of me? Are you completely out of your gourd, Angie? Me? Respecting nuances, striving to encourage, fostering a better understanding of economics, and promoting positive thinking? I've done a lot of drugs in my life, but never anything as stupefying as what you must be on. Are you smoking those crayfish?

Of the many stipulations that come with this award (and which I'll mostly ignore) I especially love this one:

"Write a short article about what the Blog has thus far achieved – preferably citing one or more older posts as evidence."

So, it's a fucking essay question. OK, here's what this blog has thus far achieved. It's earned me about $300 for four years of writing, which works out to 8 cents an hour. Other than that, it's made me a pariah (which is something I've striven for most of my life, so I suppose that's alright.) I will cite these posts as evidence.

Ginger Or Mary Ann?


Boogers

What they're evidence of, aside from vapidity, I have no idea, but rules is rules.

I'd keep going here with Angie, because nothing is easier than denigrating Louisiana - hell, I could do 1500 words on muffuletta alone, even without resorting to double entendre - but I have other creatures to vivisect.

Next up on this edition of World's Dumbest Criminals is Eddie Bluelights. Eddie hails from the UK, and his hobbies include pretending he's Queen Elizabeth and fondling himself.

(No, wait. Eddie is actually a very nice guy, and he's a devout Christian, so he probably doesn't pretend he's Queen Elizabeth. Oliver Cromwell, perhaps. And fondling yourself is frowned upon by some denominations, so we'll change that to fondling ducks. Much better.)

Somewhere amid the tremendous amount of drivel he spews forth each day, he gave me an award (or, perhaps, two; it's hard to tell with Eddie sometimes. Honestly. You think I'm a verbose son of a bitch? Well, I am, yes. But Eddie takes bloviating to whole new levels. He is to superfluous verbiage what I am to freakin' crayfish how can you eat those things, Angie?)

Anyway, when he wasn't busy pleasuring himself while listening to Stanley Holloway monologues, Eddie gave me this:



Ready for more sarcasm? Here you go!

This goes to fellow bloggers who visit frequently and raise spirits with their kind words of encouragement, their beautiful images and their wonderful outlook on life. They make blogging a positive experience and continue to make life richer.

Oh, Saint Patrick on a pogo stick! Me, Eddie? I make your life richer? What a poor miserable bugger you must have been before! See, I would have figured Page 3 of The Sun might have made your life richer, but if it's me, well, I suppose there's nothing wrong with that, so long as you stay on your side of the ocean.

(My goodness. Eddie really is a nice likable guy and I'm setting new standards here for defamation of character. Ah, what the hell. He insulted American Football, basically calling us all poofters. Seriously. Look at this:

This game seems completely devoid of any logic or rules whatsoever, and if they do exist, they are as yet totally incomprehensible to a gentleman of England who understands very well both versions of "Rugger" - both league and union. These games are entirely logical yet you Yanks seem to have modified the basic rules extensively for your version of the game. Please remember we invented "Rugger" at Eaton in Rugby and somehow you have turned it into a game where the field is covered with swarms of multi-coloured wild locusts attired in modern day armour, beating the living daylights out of each other, whether or not anyone has the ball and where there seem to be no rules or purpose or order whatsoever - explain yourself please, Sir!!! Are there ANY rules or is it just an excuse to beat the crap out of each other and pinch the ref's whistle? And why all the armour? Our lads don't seem to require it! Are your lot a load of sissies?

Would anyone who has seen the Cleveland Browns defeat the Detroit Lions 12 - 7 in an utterly meaningless contest during the sixteenth week of the season suffer such nonsense from a limey? Well, of course, they should, but no, they damn well won't! And neither will I! Here's what I wrote in his comments section, in defense of the NFL:

American Football rules are quite simple. The team that has the ball attempts to move it down the field to make a touchdown (goal), while the team that doesn't have the ball gets to hit them as hard as they can, excluding certain rules violations such as jumping with both feet onto someone's chest while he's down, or "taunting", which is doing a silly dance after you jump on someone's chest with both feet while he's down. The overall object of the game, of course, is to make money for the television networks. As for the "armour" (or, as we correctly spell it, "armor") it is there to make the players look bigger to the spectators. In reality, most of them are 5-foot-5 and weigh 140 pounds (that would be 165 centimetres and 10 stone in your curious systems of measurement) and it is only the addition of spikes, helmets, shoulder pads, hip pads, maces, bludgeons, and spears that make them appear more dangerous. We, as a people, are scared of rugby (the sport, not the school) and fear that someday you will all decide to sail over here and kick our asses. This is why our true national sport is actually baseball, which you would recognize as rounders, and everybody in England knows that's a game played by little girls, so there you go, but we like it.

That'll teach him!

Eddie gave me this, too.



Blecch. As I recall, it's the "Your Writing Reminds Me Of British Cooking Award", which is about as big of an insult to somebody's writing as freakin' crayfish, Angie? Are you cereal? Crayfish? I'd just as soon cover my ass with pollen and sit on a beehive as put one of those waterbugs in my mouth.

Our next guest on Let's Make Fun Of The Mentally Ill! comes to us from New Zealand, where men are men and sheep run scared. In her spare time, she crochets prosthetic wings for flies who had theirs ripped off by mean children. She has two dogs, six cats, and practiced animal husbandry until they caught her at it one day. Please welcome to the stage... Four Paws And Whiskers!

The meme she has foisted upon me calls for me to name six unimportant things that make me happy. And then I'm supposed to pass the meme along to six other unfortunates and make their lives as miserable as mine became when I got it. Well, here are the six unimportant things that make me happy, but I refuse to pass this blogging equivalent of chlamydia on to anyone else and risk receiving the same sort of ill treatment I dish out to the imbeciles who pass these things to me.

Six Unimportant Things That Make Me Happy

1 - Gratuitously insulting nice folks who give me awards out of the goodness of their hearts.

2 - Imagining the looks on their faces as they read this stuff.

3 - The thought that perhaps this time I've been nasty enough to forestall the eventuality of anyone else giving me an award and/or meme.

4 - Hello? Is anybody still reading this?

5 - Frickin' crayfish, Angie? Don't you have anything better to eat in Louisiana, like maybe some slugs?

6 - Put that duck down, Eddie!

(Hah! Duck down! That's almost an actual joke!)

In closing, I'd like to say that this has been an entirely horrific experience, the like of which I don't expect to encounter again until my next colorectal examination. And the next chowderhead who dares to give me an award I will personally hunt down, tar and feather, and pack up in a crate for shipment to Eddie, who, upon seeing such an astonishingly large duck, will probably die from delight. In the meantime, frickin' crayfish, Angie? I'd rather lick a pigeon, and so would Eddie.

Soon, with more better...

Oh. Right. That's only two awards and a meme. I promised you three awards, and a fondue as well.

OK, here's the thing. The third award presents me with a conundrum of sorts. See, that award was given to my other blog, The Talkback Button. Since that blog is an actual part of my job, I'm not allowed to curse and swear on it. As you might imagine, that makes it near impossible for me to adequately respond. I'm not quite sure how to...

Oh, hell, Fhina has outwitted me. I think I have to just suck it up and accept the damn thing gracefully, pretending (for the sake of my job) that I'm actually honored to receive a tiny dog sitting in a cup.

I think I'm going to puke.

(I've used this next joke before, but half of you just scan these things, anyway, so it will seem brand new to some of you.)

I am taking a short respite from posting. After being so abusive, I need some time off to get the beast back into his cage. I'll be back sometime next week, probably, since I almost always find something I feel the need to spout off about, but for now, I bid you a fondue.

(That may seem like a malapropism, but considering the cheese here, it isn't.)

Soon, with more frickin' crayfish.


48 comments:

Bruce Coltin said...

I like your slightly sick sense of humor. My home/office overlooks the track on Victory Field. Wave, if you happen to walk by.

Angie Ledbetter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Angie Ledbetter said...

Yeah, that was me who deleted the first attempt due to unladylike commentary. :)

I threw up just a little in my throat when I heard about your newest acceptance speech, but as always, I managed to squelch it and have a reply for you:

Numero Uno (yeah, more "furin" lingo for ya): Our good Acadian folks came from CANADA not France! Doh!

#2: It's craWfish, not craYfish, you scabooble- headed ignernt Yankee boy!

#3: If you ever dare show up here, you will be forced to literally eat your nasty cuss words against the mighty CRAWFISH. Don't knock it til ya try it. And, PS? We've put one of your tasteless lobsters in the boil before, and the CRAWFISH kicked its a$$!

Love from NUMERO UNO BASEBALL CHAMPION LSU (that's El Ess Shoe to you)COUNTRY. XXXOO

Suldog said...

"scabooble-headed "

Ooh, I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds like something I might like to use the NEXT time someone gives me an award!

You know, I had written "crawfish" throughout the thing, as that was what I had heard more often, then decided to check Google. Big mistake, I guess :-)

Thanks for being a (fairly) good sport, Angie!

Jenn said...

I have never eaten a frickin crayfish and after seeing that bucket full of live ones that look just like huge centipedes I will be hard pressed to ever do so. Of course shrimp are prety similar and I love them so who knows.

Enjoy your break.

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

yes l wondered if Fhina would get away with it....

you seem to be at your best just prior to a gap week! I wonder why that is, any analysis here.....?
I will assume your tongue was firmly in your cheek (bum cheek) when you mention the french in less than a warm welcome....you like me don't you, well don't you...? ah well...

and came over here to say, and got completely waylaid by your funny, haha, post that WE were in Mexico and so Xochimilco regularly between oct '67 and oct '68, we may have passed each other! what a hoot.....

Shammickite said...

You're just TOO rude, and Cajuns were Acadians originally, and from France many years before that, FYI.
And Happy Canada Day to you too, thanks for the good wishes, but this Canada Day I have far more important celebratory things to do than to finish reading all the drivel that you spout.

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

Thanks Suldog....

I knew there was a reason I am up at 5 am in the cold of a mid winter morning - what a lovely surprise ;)

I must get back to my crocheting :) The flies need me...

Ananda girl said...

I am exhausted from laughing... those duck jokes did me in!

OBTW... I love crayfish! You get to suck their little brains out. ;)

Hey, have fun on hiatus. (Take care of that knee.)

Brian Miller said...

too funny, nice defense of football.

Chris Stone said...

I love the Zydeco as "accordion played by guys who couldn't cut it in polka bands." excellent!

and that pic of the crayfish? looks like bugs. ugh. maybe some deal for cheap pest control could be struck...

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Sully, it's not the cute little pooch in the cup - It's the adorable, pink English tea-cup that I've awarded the Talkback Button!

Suck it up, Suldog!

As for that rest you're taking after some bad language and cusses, if you were a rugger player, you'd be straight back on the pitch, in play, even if you had a broken nose and a collapsed lung! Softie Suldog!

See, we don't really care, but we do love you! Laters...

Fhi x

i beati said...

how do you do it and Boston winning too !!

Lola said...

Uh oh...

Suldog said...

Fhina - If you don't mind, I'm going to keep the little dog! He's grown on me.

Gaston Studio said...

After a particularly disappointing meeting a bit earlier, I really appreciate being able to open your blog and be absolutely ASSURED of laughing my a$$ off! Thanks Suldog.

Oh, and congrats on the awards!

lakeviewer said...

You were born a bit too late to play at the Don Rikles's roast; but, you could stand in for him anytime in my book.

As for Eddie's reaction. your stuff may get lost in translation.

Buck said...

Don Rickles should sit at your feet and worship you, O Master.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Thank you for not realizing that the Maugeritaville Post of the Week is actually an award. Probably because I didn't send you the badge, because I didn't want to be verbally eviscerated (learned that word from the Bastard).

Karen said...

I hope Eddie wasn't in Queen mode when he read this... he'd faint dead away. Much better to have him going down on ducks... er... I mean stroking duck down... or something...

GreenJello said...

Very smart to give an award to you on your business-side blog. Very smart...

Jen said...

Good to know not to send you an award. Actually, I tend to feel the same way. Oh, and by the way, you have made some money off of your blog? $300 is $300 even if it does come down to 8 cents a post.

MVD said...

Here's the Suldog I know and love: the curmudgeonly old son of a bitch who bites the heads off small animals and steals toys from children just to watch them cry. Enjoy the long weekend, sans softball. That's a lot of hours for beehive sitting with an ass crack full of pollen.

Eddie Bluelights said...

Well, Sir Jim of Suldog - you've been and gone a done it now, my man! Questioning my 'orientation' indeed - that's a first I can tell you! I am coming over personally to rearrange your anatomy extensively!! I expect you are relieved Concorde is no longer in service 'cause if it was your ass would be busted already!!
Lola is coming over and I have asked he to contact you and inform you I am out to get you and pulverise you.
No look here!! I challenged you to a duel not long ago and got a wingey, whiney, nandy pandy response about water mellons at 20 paces!! and for seconds you requested another plate of veal!!
What sort of a response is that?? What are you, man or mouse?? I'm coming over personally to ram that plate of fish and chips down your cake hole, so there!!
Now, kind Sir!! you deserve to be taught a huge lesson - I shall therefore deluge you with copious amounts of verbal diahorea (Oh shit I can't spell diahorea and I am not wasting time looking it up).
Talking of crap I think you do agree with me that American Football deserves such an accolade since I still cannot fathom what those commentators mean by third base, liners, and all the other drivel they spout endlessly as the locusts swarm and run round in meaningless circles.
I agree our game of rounders was a good foundation for your baseball and you chaps have done a great job to as you all say endlessly to everything we invent, "Make it bigger and Better!" Well done for that - great game!
Now, get in order Suldog. We British are still your Lords and Masters - we are mounting a return in revenge for chucking us out and for the Battle of New Orleans. We will lick you next time and the first thing we will do when we win is to rid the world of that ridiculous game and to introduce our queen as your sovereign and to make you recognise the letter U in your alphabet which seems lacking in words like colour and armour. In exchange we shall be state no 51and we shall all come over and give you lot elocution lessons so you can talk properly like us and thereby play Roman Generals (like Jack Hawkins) in epics like Ben Hur rather than humdrum parts Charlton Heston plays. I think there is a big maket over there because you all love us really and queue up for ages to hear us talk a load of rubbish from people like Tony and Cherie Blair.
In conclusion I will have great satisfaction seeing you on your knees screaming:

"ESAELP EVAH YCREM NO EM"

Play it backwards my man - it means:

"PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME"

I look forward immensely to awarding you another Prize but I have not got one yet unless there is anyone out there willing to give me one so I can make you squirm yet again!!!!
I have an ally I see in the form of "A woman of no importance" Well done sister, we licked hi good.

Loved this Jim - had a great time HA HA HA LOL

Funny Girl said...

It's been a long week and it is only Wednesday; thanks for the funny!

Marguerite said...

Well, I finally found time to check out the great Suldog. I've seen you around and had the mistaken impression that you were somehow intelligent. This post is not only ignorant, but insulting to me and I'm sure many other readers that don't have enough nerve to comment. Shame on you Suldog and until you taste a crawfish, don't knock them. I am the one who passed the Noblesse Oblige award to Angie and cannot imagine why she thought that you deserved it. And your remarks about Eddie Bluelights were dispicible, as well, since Eddie is such a nice person. What was Angie thinking???

Sandi McBride said...

For crying out loud...I'm not sure whether to laugh or blush, so will just pretend that your computer has been invaded by ill mannered children...oh what the hell, I know better than that...but I needed a good laugh...
Sandi

Eddie Bluelights said...

Oh and one more thing, Suldog!
Would you prefer to face a British Bull Dog or a British Lion?
Eddie

Moannie said...

I am so gratful that there are still people out there prepared to face your wrath and give you awards; how else would you be driven to such scurrilous and very funny venting so that we, trembling slightly for the donors are treated to a good few belly laughs while drawing sharp intakes of breath.

Keep it up, brave ones.

Suldog said...

Marguerite - All of the people I "insulted" got it. Angie got it; Eddie got it; Fhina got it; and Four Paws got it. You seem to be the only one who didn't (with the exception of Shammickite, who at least admitted she didn't read it.)

I can only assume you didn't read the first paragraph, the one in brackets, or at least you didn't comprehend it. Are you willing to stand there and tell me you did actually read this whole thing? Or perhaps you just scanned most of it, saw some particular insults and swears that rubbed you the wrong way, didn't see the many times I included myself among those being flayed, and decided to get up on your high horse and... oh, why bother? Go suck on a crawfish and leave me alone.

Jazz said...

You've outdone yourself this time Suldog! Bravo!

Sarah said...

You do realize that you've opened the floodgates, right? Your other blog will now be receiving awards, memes and weird pictures of food galore and you'll have no choice but to accept them with a smile.

Poor guy.

Anali said...

Congratulations on the awards and have a Happy 4th! ; )

Eddie Bluelights said...

Hey folks!
Leave the poor guy alone!
He's partially surrendered and eaten his disgusting plate of fish and chips so I am well pleased - I have him in a Boston Crab wrestling hold but in order to secure complete victory I require someone to tickle his toes. Have I any volunteers?
Thank you all, you decent folk, particularly the ladies for showing your loyalty and supporting me in your droves. You indeed represented the 'forces of light' in a very dark world.
The big question is, "Should I give him another award?"
Please comment "Yes" or "No" at my place so I can get the film crews in for the fight of the century.
Other than that Jim, you are a great chap and a true gentleman, fighting well by the "Queensbury Rules" (That's British boxing just in case you didn't know). I haven't laughed so much for ages!!
Jim, I think we should stage a two way battle to the death - any ideas? ~ Eddie

Chris Stone said...

*is there a cliff notes version to Eddie's response?*

Daisy said...

Wow, that was a zinger!! I agree with Moannie, I'm just glad people are still prepared to give you awards and face the consequences! And naturally I'm hugely offended by the French comments - and they didn't bring a grin to my face at all!!

Jeni said...

Boy, talk about some scintillating conversation or sparkling repartee for sure, the above post and commentaries are definitely all that and then some!
"I bid you fondue!" -now that one totally cracked me up. I will be giggling to myself no doubt for a long time to come over that sentence and probably it will become like an earworm, but not a musical one, and inevitably I will use that line of some poor unsuspecting soul who doesn't understand the punny side of life and the joys it brings. And so, to you, till after the big holiday weekend is history, I bid you a fine fondue too!
(Oh, just saw what my word verification here is -"Cheasi" -do you think it is implying something?

Hilary said...

Your award acceptance speeches never, ever fail to make me laugh. Poor Marguerite.. I hope she comes back to read over a few of your very recent posts. Everyone who knows you, knows that you're a gem. Thank you Angie and Eddie for triggering this post.

Happy 4th to you Suldog.. from one of your many friends north of the border. :)

Judi FitzPatrick said...

Another side-splitting post.
Since no one else pointed this out, I can't resist. Were you a fan of Tom Lehrer perhaps - "and practiced animal husbandry until they caught her at it"? I love that line!
Have a great 4th, until next time.
Peace, Judi

Theresa said...

Great post Suldog. As always. Anyway, congrats on the award. You deserve it. I so totally enjoy reading your posts. Thanks!

Rhea said...

Very clever, Sul. I came her expecting cheese or chocolate fondue, but noooooo...

Woman in a Window said...

When I'm not doubled over laughing or spitting your words out loud to my husband, I'm scared of you. Your wit has had much refinement over the years. What I really mean is that you can be a real asshole but the the funny part of it is that we all love you for it. Weird, huh?

Michelle H. said...

When I heard whispered in the wind that someone took offense to my good dear Suldog, I had to rush over and defend him.

Please do read all his writing -- from start to end. Yes, I know he can be a blowhard, but he is a kind, wonderful blowhard whose humorous side is so prevalent in his writing that it cannot be missed -- unless you simply scan through the posts. And for that, you deserve to miss the point entirely.

As always, I had a good laugh at this. Although compared to the flaying you did here, I had it easy from when I double-tagged you! Can't wait until you get another award, MLGF!

Thumbelina said...

Exhausted.
Cooking up an award when I stop laughing...

Suldog said...

Judi - You win the prize (I don't know what it is, but you win it!) Yes, I shamelessly stole that line from Lehrer. I figured somebody would spot it, and you were the one with guts enough to call me on it! :-)

Fireblossom said...

Mercy. I bopped on over from Pouty's blog and what should await me but handfuls of deesgusting, icky revolting BUGS. Yick.

Anyways, I see that you are a 1961 rookie star. I had older brothers. Even older than me, I mean. Plus i love baseball. So I know these things. I even own a 1962 Rocky Colavito. I was only 7, but i loved him. Every girl did. I think it was the law or something.

Anyway, congratulations on your awards. :-)

Pouty Lips said...

God forbid that Marguerite ever finds my blog. Ergg.

My only other comment is that I cannot believe anyone would just 'skim' over your posts. Not me. I hang on every 'sullenly' surly word.

That's enough kiss-ass.

Janet said...

The things I miss. In my defense, I was busy building a windmill and making a conquistador hat on Friday. (seriously)
I'm Southern, but there's no way you can make me eat a crayfish, crawfish, or whatever. I swear I'm going to make up an award to give you. Oh, and I think Sarah is right.