Friday, February 26, 2010


I'm about as tired of it as I could possibly be.

[Audience I carry in my head: "Tired of WHAT, Jim?"]

Thanks for asking. I'm tired of receiving awards. I've been the recipient of so many of them, and, of course, I've deserved every one, but...

["You're a pompous ass, Jim."]

That'll be enough out of you.

I've been given 36 of these suckers. It was 35 before Michelle gave me this one:

***Ponderously Heavy Sigh***

You've been coming here long enough to know what I usually do when I get one of these travesties foisted upon me, right? I attack both the giver and the gift. I spew venom and vitriol. I release my inner Godzilla upon Internet Tokyo. In other words, I become a total asshat. And now, it's expected of me. When people see that I've been given an award, they react with wholly uncalled for sadistic glee, as though I'm Gallagher and the award giver will be playing the part of the watermelon.

And I'm tired of it. I just don't want to do it anymore. Can't someone else be the asshole for a while? Why do I always have to play that role?

["Because you're perfect for the part, Jim."]

Hey! I told you to shut up over a hundred words ago!

Anyway, I could call Michelle a first cousin to a blob of snot, or a sword-swallowing buzzard-faced nincompoop, or even a jelly stain on the duvet cover of life, but where would that get us? Certainly not any closer to world peace, or even Syracuse.

Michelle calls herself The Surly Writer. But she's not, really. She's sweet, and generous, and lovely, and a nice person, and...

See? I'm going soft. I just don't have the heart to call her a big crust of, um... what DO you call that stuff that forms in the corner of a dog's eye? Whatever it is, I see no good reason to call her that. She's never done anything even remotely nasty to me, so...

Well, except for the fact that she gave me this award when she knew full well the sort of festering pile of seagull guts I was likely to become when I wrote about it. I suppose that counts for something.

So, since I don't really feel like insulting anyone anymore, but since she's obviously expecting it of me, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go back through some of my previous awards posts, take random insults from each one, and insert Michelle's name as need be. Michelle can pretend that I'm really saying every one of them specifically about her. I won't be, though, and to prove it, each insult will have a link back to the original post so that you can find out just who I was saying them about. For instance, let's pretend I said this to Michelle:

I'm giving you the "3 Is For What Finger I'm Holding Up And Aiming At You Right At This Very Moment And What Are You Going To Do About It, Bitch?" award, OK? So there, smarty! How do you like them apples?

If you click onto it, you'll see that I actually said that to Crazy Cath, not Michelle.

(Not that Crazy Cath deserved it any more than Michelle does. And now, Crazy Cath has vanished. The awesome force of my vituperation seems to have obliterated any trace of her previous existence from the face of the blogosphere. I am truly a reprehensible human being. Pretend I'm making a really sad face to show you I'm sorry about it.)

So, back to the transparent conceit previously fabricated, I'm NOT saying these things to Michelle:

For a dimwit, Michelle shows great perspicacity. Despite how my agreeing with her will lower the estimation of my IQ in the eyes of the intelligentsia (that is, non-Canadians) I find that I must concur with her on one thought: What in hell does a woman in an apron have to do with being over the top?

Well, OK, some of them seem a bit weird out of context, but if you click onto the link, you'll get to see some titties!

Here are some better insults (but not better titties!)

... being a blogger deemed worthy of note by Michelle is similar to being a food item declared healthy by a sack full of Twinkies.

She looks as though she just discovered there's a wombat in her panties.

I suppose Michelle is creative, in the same way that a vicious dog leaving a cat only three legs to hobble around on is creative, but that does little to swell the dog’s reputation and leaves you with somewhat less of a cat. In certain circles, that might qualify as art.

Next up on this edition of World's Dumbest Criminals is Michelle Hickman. Michelle hails from Pittsburgh, and her hobbies include pretending she's Queen Elizabeth and fondling herself.

I'm wracking my brain trying to come up with just exactly what type of gift Michelle might have, other than the ability to induce type-2 diabetes, but I think the idea is to just acknowledge that such gifts exist in all of us, even if when we put on a jumper and sandals we become the stuff of a bad STP trip.

To be singled out, in her estimation, as funny myself, is certainly an honor that ranks up there with, say, being named starting first baseman for the 1963 Washington Senators.

Well, that's a pretty fair bunch of insults. How about one more for good measure and then we'll break for lunch?

Values? I'm displaying values? I suppose I am, but I wouldn't brag about them. If Michelle wants to be recognized as being associated with my values, so be it, but it shows tremendously poor taste on her part. However, de gustibus non est disputadum, as my grandfather said that time he was arrested for tattooing Mussolini's face on the neighbor lady's butt.

Hey! Wait a minute! The only one getting insulted there is me, I think. And that post actually was about Michelle. She gave me PD, the dusky minx! And now, you have to hit the link to find out just what it was, so there! Nobody's getting out of here alive, Bucko.

I hope the above has fulfilled my contractual obligation to be nasty. If you feel I haven't lived up to my usual standards, give me another frickin' award and I'll see what I can do.

Soon, with...

Oh, hell, one more for the road.

I think lemonade sucks. It’s the most over-rated drink in the history of the universe. It doesn’t satisfy your thirst, and even though it has enough sugar in it to send your average diabetic into a coma, it still puckers up your kisser and makes the phlegm clog your throat. And... Oh, Hell, I don’t know where I’m headed with this, but you’re still a freakin’ FROG. There was a reason God made tons of them fall from the sky on the Egyptians, you know. It’s because people think they’re slimy and gross. The Egyptians weren’t standing in the middle of the street going, "Aw, look at the cute little frogs!" They were running away, screaming, "Shit! Frogs! Quick, Amenotep! Close all the windows!"

... more better...

Too easy a target. I mean, sure, I could sit around all day bashing Michelle, but where's the sport in that? I'd have her skewered before she could wipe the tobacco drool off of her chin. It would be like... well, like making fun of Texans or lesbians. All they have to do is show up and it's funny. I don't have to say a damn thing.

... stuff.

(No Michelles were harmed during the making of this blog.)


KLo said...

You are so darn funny : )

lime said...

phew, as another michelle i am greatly relieved that none, especially michelle hickman, were harmed in the writing of this post.

Eric said...

Way to go Suldog. Give that damn Surly Writer what for. How dare she be so nice and sweet and caring? It's probably just a ruse anyway. Smack her again, just for the hell of it.

(note: the above statements are made by my muse, not by me. Honestly Michelle, I had no part in disparaging your fine name, but he took the keyboard from me.)

Eleonora said...

I know that's just the Lent fast talking, you're actually a real SWEETHEART... mwa ha ha ha (horror film laugh)

Michelle H. said...

Uh.... didn't you get the memo? When you become a blogger, and a great one at that, you have to get an award for every year you were born. So expect at least another 17 of them, or 18 after Tuesday of next week.

I want to say I'm glad that you didn't filet me, although it still feels as if you really fileted me, which still brought me a chuckle, and still made me glad I gave it to you because you do have a great blog and you are a great writer.

Now about this audience in your head. They're kinda rude. Maybe you should get a new audience?

i beati said...

Michelle go for him- Seagull guts first thing in the morning

sickens me as well.I'm the one who is super sweet and deserves these awards. Happy weekend folks. I'll be in theraphy - seagull guts !!

i beati said...

fondling herself - rofl

Buck said...

Nobody's getting out of here alive, Bucko.

snzzt... gurggrl... snarx... What? Hunh? You talkin' to ME?

Oh. OK, never mind. That said, your recycled insults are worlds better than anyone else's originals. I mean that. Bucko.

Cricket said...

Are you sure you're not just angling for a spot in Vegas once Mr. Rickles joins the Majority?

She Writes said...

You are always good for a laugh! Always. Congrats Michelle?! :)

Quirkyloon said...

Um, exsqueeze me?

I'm the original one who "looks like she's got a wombat in her panties!"

AND... I don't share my wombat!

So there!


Moannie said...

Only those people who really know you well enough to be sure you are a softie sweetheart , and know that you like them too [bloody awful sentence] -have the temerity to give you awards. Well they have to have iron knickers or underpants too,depending on their sex...or preference. The people I feel truly sorry for are the ones who have recently found you-like you enough to award you something without realising the danger they are in, and get torn off a strip for doing so. Enough to have them runnung for the hills.

Ihave to admit my heart lifts to see it has happened again and I'm in for some fun.

Is Eric a relative? There is a distinct likeness.

Suldog said...

To answer a question that deserves an answer - No, so far as I know, Eric and I are not relatives. My Dad did get around, though, so no guarantees. We ARE both nice guys underneath it all, if that helps.

jinksy said...

From some people, insults are like beautiful gifts! LOL! I don't do awards, but I do think you deserve a putty medal for invective of the nicest possible kind! :)

Matt Conlon said...

Boy. Appreciation. How dare they? Showing appreciation for someone. And on a Friday, no less. What a way to start the weekend, being all appreciated and what not. Like they're trying to make you say "thanks" for an award you didn't want in the first place. Deplorable. Reprehensible. [insert-adjective]able.

You know, that's what wrong with the world today. All this touchy-feely "good job"ing "You're awesome"ing complement giving, politically correct tomfoolery.

What ever happened to "Shut up."? No one ever just tells someone to shut up anymore, they're always like "While I respect your position on this subject, I'm must disagree". or "I can see how you could come to that conclusion given the facts you've seen and taken from a specific point of view"... Feh!

I for one, will not fall in line sir. There shall be no giving of the awards. I don't even HAVE an award to give, I'd have to concoct one for you, and frankly that sounds like a bit too much work.

...and why would someone do something they know would provoke someone who grew up in the greater Boston area? Don't they know? I'm betting that's what happened to Whitey Bulger. He gave Sully here an award, and now no one can find him.

TechnoBabe said...

Well, you certainly let Michelle have it I must say! And she deserved it too, the idea!! Giving you an award.
And that Michelle? She just pretends to be nice. Smile.

Karen said...

You must be getting soft... had to resort to using already-been-said insults. Hmph! No more awards for you!!

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

I was wondering how you were going to handle Michelle, given her complete and total awesomeness.

The bit about the Twinkies is my favorite. Hilarious.

~jill said...

It's a good thing it's Friday, Michelle will need the weekend to recover.

I won't give you an award, but I will thank you for making my morning blogging so much more enjoyable.

slommler said...

That crust in the dogs' eye is eye snot! Don't cha know?
And poor Michelle...a girl was just trying to do her good deed today and she get pummeled for it. Poor thing!!

Chris Stone said...

your invective is inspiring, as always! lol.

Shrinky said...

Aw, you big old softie, you - little wonder you were the first one to spring to Michelle's mind when she cast around for someone to pass this along to.. (wink)

Uncle Skip, said...

I wasn't even going to check today's post because I thought it was probably just about your weather... you have had enough of that white crap? Then I realized that I have nowhere to go. Now I'm glad I did. There's like having a lesson on invective from an expert.

veri word - elike
that would be liking something electronically?

Kathryn Magendie said...

*LAUGHING!* crack me up....and I adore Michelle! :-)

And T'anks for the birthday wishes fellow Piscean!

And an Almost Happy Bird-day to you too Handsome!

Jazz said...

Aw, but Sully, it's your own damn fault, you're so wonderful at spewing vitriol. You're the king, nay, the emperor of vitriol.

Nobody does it better.

Maggie May said...

You know you LOVE these awards and are soft as putty in a babies hand!

Nuts in May

Jeni said...

What Maggie said -goes for me too. You did a great job of accepting this award -true to your usual form.

Eddie Bluelights said...

Nice one Michelle!! You know Jim doesn't know how to handle the really nice 'guys' like you and me!! (he!he!). I found it very difficult to induce him to produce a fang full of venom, hence the ducks and Queen Elizabeth mention.
Great fun, Jim, just what I wanted during my convalescence but look, mate, I'm already in stitches!!! without any of this. For the record I am recovering well and hope to be more active in blogland soon.

Anonymous said...

If you stop talking about the awards, will they go away. Probably not. Oh well, guess you have to celebrate around a pot of boiled crawfish and other stuff. Ask Angie L about this. Any reason for a party here.

Eva Gallant said...

Ah, you play the curmudgeon, but those of us who've been around these parts for a while know the truth!

Hilary said...

No doubt another award will be along before too long. Can't wait. :)

David said...

Dog why fight it?

Eddie Bluelights said...

We'll have to rename you Oscar soon after all these awards!!

Thumbelina said...

How do you do it? Even when you don't want to you manage to conjure up nasty and vitriol from somewhere. There was me thinking "aw. He's gone soft. I knew he had a soft side and really loved all those awards and getting them". And you go and spoil it. Again.

The sad thing is, I know just how long I have been reading this blog. I could recognise individuals through the insults without clicking on the links. I'm not sure if that is because the insults decribed them or because I remembered the posts so well, but I didn't need to click.

And no Michelle's may have been harmed in the making of this post. But what about CrazyCaths eh? You managed to disappear her into the ether didn't you? You wicked, wicked man you! ;0)

(I often read. Not around as much but I am the proverbial thorn. No matter where you put me on that list of yours on the sidebar, I WILL turn up. You can count on it.)

Shrinky said...

It's okay, I'm not really in here, I've just snuck back in to plunder your readers, seeing as how mine are all such a wee bit - er - less entertaining? I'm taking it you'll understand, a girlie has to do, ect, yeah?

Cheers, over at my gaff, no one wants to now about my naked jam and marshmalow protest, I just knew you wouldn't mind.. xx

Judi FitzPatrick said...

You have the most clever way of saying "thank you" I've ever read ;-).

Peace, Judi

Land of shimp said...

Mwhahahaha, first the award, and then the deluge!

You must be exhausted from searching out all those prime insults, Sol.

But, as another person put it about something else, "Complaining about that lot in life is a bit like saying, "Wah, my solid gold house needs dusting, and my diamond shoes are too tight!"

I'm sticking tiny little bandaids all over my shriveled little heart, which is, of course, bleeding for you in your plight ;-)

Have a marvelous, sunny day, Suldog.

Teacher's Pet said...

You're such a nice guy...and anyone who knows and reads you knows that.
I wanted to send accolades to Michelle today for her blog "Fractured Fairytales"...She's apparently recovered from the 'gentle fillet...because she wrote one heckuva blog.
I love reading your blog, Jim...truly.

Gaston Studio said...

You try so hard to be a bad guy, but we all have your number mister!

Theresa said...

Congrats on the award Suldog! And congrats to Michelle on having the guts to give it to ya. Oy vay!

♥ Braja said...

It's all just a plot to get attention....


Shammickite said...

I've never heard the word "asshat" before.
And I don't think I need to hear it again....

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Ah, my dear Jim, I see you haven't lost your are hurling insults at a frighteningly funny rate!! Thanks for giving me a great way to get down a particularly bad cup of morning caffeine! But no...I refuse to sing a "spoonful of sugar..." You can speak to Michelle about genuine kindness, caring and sweetness ;-) And underneath it all, I think you are, too! Hugs, Janine

Matt Conlon said...

Alright Jim, It's been like 5 days since your last post... You still having fits over this award? Can't want for the next post, I'm expecting frothing vitriol, piss and vinegar... etc.

Or something nice, whichever.

Ananda girl said...

My personal favorite insult here is "She looks like she just found a wombat in her panties!" LMAO!