Friday, January 15, 2010
This entire post falls under the category Hypocrisy Of Such A Stupendous Nature It Deserves To End In A Whipping. I am doing that for which I have excoriated others. I am giving out awards.
I know, I know. But, before you march en masse to Massachusetts (with torches in hand, and with cries of "Kill the monster!") I hope you'll give me a chance to defend my indefensible actions.
You see, during the most recent insult-fest, I received some comments to the effect of "Gee! I'd sure like to get an award! I never get one..." So, being a nice guy underneath it all - rude is only bile deep, after all - I felt bad for these folks. They all seem like nice people. I've visited their places and I haven't come up with any good reasons for them NOT to have received any of the thousands of ridiculous virtual trophies cluttering up Teh Intertubes.
And, verily, I thought unto myself, "Self, why not give these poor slugs the awards for which they so deeply crave?" And, since I am omnipotent lord and master of all I survey on this page, it shall be so.
Before the actual handing out of the baubles, though, I have to confess to a couple of previous indiscretions. A few of my good long-time readers with good long-term memories will remember my having given the following as a "Thank You!" to some folks. It is called The Suldog Award.
I offered this to a handful of very kind people who actually did me some favor or another. Being the sort of thoughtless and inconsiderate bastard I am, I've entirely forgotten what the favor was. However, examples of the award are still extant on a few sidebars, so it would be useless for me to deny it's existence.
On another occasion, I was goaded into giving out an award. The entire incident is probably best left in the dustbin of history, but (as Mr. Laurel once opined to Mr. Hardy) honesty is the best politics. I've always felt that I'd rather out myself than be outed by someone else. So, rather than have some smartass point this out in the comments, I'll direct you to it myself, with the wholly-honest warning that the entire post may be stunningly unsafe for work.
(Here's a good set of guidelines: If you work in a church, most definitely do not hit the link. If you work in a sausage plant, it all depends upon your boss's sense of humor. If you work in a Chinese dildo factory, you're safe.)
Anyway, without any further ado (since no amount of ado can undo what has been done), The Gaffy.
OK, now that we have the shameful confessions out of the way, let's get down to the shameful business at hand. The new award - and it's rather spiffy, too; wait until you see it! - is called The Sully.
Before we go on - and I most surely do - a good question to ask might be...
What, exactly, does someone have to do to receive this extremely uncoveted award?
Well, I'll tell you. You have to ask for it. That's about it. The reason for even including that little bit of a proviso is because, in some jurisdictions, giving someone a Sully without them having asked for it could probably result in charges being filed and I'm not taking any chances.
The first recipient of The Sully is Quirkyloon.
How could I refuse to give an award to a face like that? She looks as though she just discovered there's a wombat in her panties. Her stuff is most certainly quirky and loony, so truth in advertising applies. All in all, why not? She asked for it, so she gets it.
Next up to the podium is Mariann Simms of Blogged Down At The Moment. I only recently discovered this woman via Knucklehead's Blog-Off 2010 competition. I think she's sort of a female version of me!
Well, OK, she's a heck of a lot prettier than I am, but that's not what I meant. She seems to have a fondness for writing about the same sort of stuff I do. She reminisces about things that almost nobody remembers. She complains in an amusing way (and I say that even though I actually LIKE what she's complaining about. And, if she's puzzled concerning that, I have to think it's a guy thing. The people I have seen most foaming-at-the-mouth concerning this are usually women.) She notices weird stuff. And she does all of this in very entertaining and humorous ways. And, as with Quirkyloon, she asked for it. Since she's prettier than me, I'm more than happy to give it to her.
Finally, I'm also giving the award to i beati.
The lack of capitalization is hers. I'd never disrespect someone by not giving them their capitals. Besides being one of my most prolific commentators, she's just plain nice. A visit to her place affords you the opportunity to grab a clean laugh, perhaps ponder the blessings you've received, and then leave none the worse for wear. Works for me! Once again, she asked for it. And (as Mr. Christ once promised Mr. Which Means Rock) ask and ye shall receive.
(That is such a rotten joke on so many different levels. First, Jesus didn't say it to Peter directly; it was about 5,000 hungry guys sitting on a hillside. Second, most of you have probably already forgotten the throwaway reference to Laurel and Hardy from the sixth paragraph, which you had to remember to really get this. In addition, the people most likely to understand the joke [without explanation] are Christians, but they're also the people most likely to be mortally offended by it, too, so my expectations of drawing a laugh were fairly much nil going in. I'm a Christian myself, so I feel I have some right to leave it in, but I wanted you all to know that I do actually feel some level of guilt concerning it.)
Enough folderol. Let's get to the damned award. Here it is!
Display it with pride, ladies! It's not everybody who gets Sullied - you actually have to ask for it! You did, and more's the pity, but so am I.
Soon, with more better stuff.