Friday, January 15, 2010

Some Asshat (me) Is GIVING OUT Awards



This entire post falls under the category Hypocrisy Of Such A Stupendous Nature It Deserves To End In A Whipping. I am doing that for which I have excoriated others. I am giving out awards.

I know, I know. But, before you march en masse to Massachusetts (with torches in hand, and with cries of "Kill the monster!") I hope you'll give me a chance to defend my indefensible actions.

You see, during the most recent insult-fest, I received some comments to the effect of "Gee! I'd sure like to get an award! I never get one..." So, being a nice guy underneath it all - rude is only bile deep, after all - I felt bad for these folks. They all seem like nice people. I've visited their places and I haven't come up with any good reasons for them NOT to have received any of the thousands of ridiculous virtual trophies cluttering up Teh Intertubes.

And, verily, I thought unto myself, "Self, why not give these poor slugs the awards for which they so deeply crave?" And, since I am omnipotent lord and master of all I survey on this page, it shall be so.

Before the actual handing out of the baubles, though, I have to confess to a couple of previous indiscretions. A few of my good long-time readers with good long-term memories will remember my having given the following as a "Thank You!" to some folks. It is called The Suldog Award.



I offered this to a handful of very kind people who actually did me some favor or another. Being the sort of thoughtless and inconsiderate bastard I am, I've entirely forgotten what the favor was. However, examples of the award are still extant on a few sidebars, so it would be useless for me to deny it's existence.

On another occasion, I was goaded into giving out an award. The entire incident is probably best left in the dustbin of history, but (as Mr. Laurel once opined to Mr. Hardy) honesty is the best politics. I've always felt that I'd rather out myself than be outed by someone else. So, rather than have some smartass point this out in the comments, I'll direct you to it myself, with the wholly-honest warning that the entire post may be stunningly unsafe for work.

(Here's a good set of guidelines: If you work in a church, most definitely do not hit the link. If you work in a sausage plant, it all depends upon your boss's sense of humor. If you work in a Chinese dildo factory, you're safe.)

Anyway, without any further ado (since no amount of ado can undo what has been done), The Gaffy.

OK, now that we have the shameful confessions out of the way, let's get down to the shameful business at hand. The new award - and it's rather spiffy, too; wait until you see it! - is called The Sully.

Before we go on - and I most surely do - a good question to ask might be...

What, exactly, does someone have to do to receive this extremely uncoveted award?

Well, I'll tell you. You have to ask for it. That's about it. The reason for even including that little bit of a proviso is because, in some jurisdictions, giving someone a Sully without them having asked for it could probably result in charges being filed and I'm not taking any chances.

The first recipient of The Sully is Quirkyloon.



How could I refuse to give an award to a face like that? She looks as though she just discovered there's a wombat in her panties. Her stuff is most certainly quirky and loony, so truth in advertising applies. All in all, why not? She asked for it, so she gets it.

Next up to the podium is Mariann Simms of Blogged Down At The Moment. I only recently discovered this woman via Knucklehead's Blog-Off 2010 competition. I think she's sort of a female version of me!



Well, OK, she's a heck of a lot prettier than I am, but that's not what I meant. She seems to have a fondness for writing about the same sort of stuff I do. She reminisces about things that almost nobody remembers. She complains in an amusing way (and I say that even though I actually LIKE what she's complaining about. And, if she's puzzled concerning that, I have to think it's a guy thing. The people I have seen most foaming-at-the-mouth concerning this are usually women.) She notices weird stuff. And she does all of this in very entertaining and humorous ways. And, as with Quirkyloon, she asked for it. Since she's prettier than me, I'm more than happy to give it to her.

Finally, I'm also giving the award to i beati.



The lack of capitalization is hers. I'd never disrespect someone by not giving them their capitals. Besides being one of my most prolific commentators, she's just plain nice. A visit to her place affords you the opportunity to grab a clean laugh, perhaps ponder the blessings you've received, and then leave none the worse for wear. Works for me! Once again, she asked for it. And (as Mr. Christ once promised Mr. Which Means Rock) ask and ye shall receive.

(That is such a rotten joke on so many different levels. First, Jesus didn't say it to Peter directly; it was about 5,000 hungry guys sitting on a hillside. Second, most of you have probably already forgotten the throwaway reference to Laurel and Hardy from the sixth paragraph, which you had to remember to really get this. In addition, the people most likely to understand the joke [without explanation] are Christians, but they're also the people most likely to be mortally offended by it, too, so my expectations of drawing a laugh were fairly much nil going in. I'm a Christian myself, so I feel I have some right to leave it in, but I wanted you all to know that I do actually feel some level of guilt concerning it.)

Enough folderol. Let's get to the damned award. Here it is!



Display it with pride, ladies! It's not everybody who gets Sullied - you actually have to ask for it! You did, and more's the pity, but so am I.

Soon, with more better stuff.


38 comments:

Quirkyloon said...

"Ask the Suldog and ye shall receive."

From a wombat free (at the moment) and grateful award recipient!

Ha!

Thanks! You're the bomb-diggity!

LMBO!

Buck said...

You are such a NICE guy, Jim! That's said with tongue both in and out of cheek. And don't ask how I did that trick.

i beati said...

I plan to whine some more and maybe you'll send money -- ciao Have a special weekend. I plan to thanks Sandy

Chris Stone said...

lol. that is good! i'd ask to be sullied too, but i have to look at my blog sometimes! lol.

Mrs. C. said...

The only thing that would make that award better is if you fashioned the bag into a loincloth. Then I would write my ass off to get one.

Jazz said...

Words fail me they do. Oh yes.

That Gal Kiki said...

This is fantastic!

Uncle Skip, said...

A pun...
Not only that, but a shaggy pun...


Good work, Jim.

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

Tres quirky toi la.

Are you really standing there tout nu?

Phew, thank goodness (having trouble with god these days) I declared my award blog free!

Now you really must get the award for hypocrisy as you say .... why, funny as it was, I actually believed you the other day! :)

Craig said...

Well, I'd never be so crass as to ASK for an award. . . Far better to be given one on my own obvious merits. . .

And, just for the sake of saying so, let's not talk about my obvious merits, shall we?

Michelle H. said...

I'm speechless over the "Sully" award, which might work in my favor the next time I think about asking for an award.

No, really. It's ingenious. The bag says it all. (Did you eat Chinese? Because that's what our Chinese restaurants use as take-out bags?)

Mr. Knucklehead said...

Holy crap, that's the funniest award badge EVER.

Congrats to Quirkster, Mariann, and i beati.

She Writes said...

Oh my gosh! No you did not. A dog giving a kiss button as the award for women :)! Never have you made me laugh this hard, and believe me, you have made me laugh.

Congrats to the lucky recipients??? I am confident when I say chances are you have left an impression they will not soon forget!

Bruce Coltin said...

Did you also invent "Asshat?" It conjures up a disturbing image in my mind.

~jill said...

Oh, Mrs. C, please don't give him suggestions like that....you know he'll do it....and do you REALLY want that?

great badge, Jim!

Ananda girl said...

I must agree with Mrs.C... you really should be wearing it as a loin cloth! Ha Fun post Suldog.

Ivan Toblog (aka IT) said...

Speaking of awards, don'tcha think you should post your last one in the sidebar?
I might add that it is not nice to claim that someone is a female version of you and then, further down the page, post your picture.
Wombat in her pants WBAGNFARB, but a wombat very difficult to misjudge if you know anything about wombats.
As for them asking for it, that may be. However nobody really deserves to have their name Sullied.
You do, sir, have a way with words and tell a great story even if you occasionally get sidetracked.

Ivan Toblog (aka IT) said...

Oh, as for the title of your post, it takes one to know one and I accept the honor. An @$$h@t is better than an @$$hole... at least the breath is better most of the time.

Suldog said...

To answer Bruce's question: No, I did not come up with the term "asshat". The first place I ever saw it used was on Magazine Man's blog, but I think it was around before that. It's on the Urban Dictionary page, and there's actually a site called asshat.com (I haven't visited there yet, as I'm sort of afraid of what I might find.)

Tim King said...

Well, all I can say is...

OMG! You're completely naked, aren't you?!

(Runs horrified from the room.)

-TimK

slommler said...

Is Tim right??? OMG!! You are naked??!! My eyes are closed...really they are. The award is...well is...ummmmm...priceless???
Congrats to the er winners!!??!!
LOL!
SueAnn

Merisi said...

Mom always said to ask nicely.
Wished she'd told when to ask.
Congratulations to the winners, and to their mothers too. They brought them up right.
(My mom does does not read blogs.)

lime said...

how could anyone NOT want to be sullied? that's one rockin award!

Pouty Lips said...

I may not have received the award today, but I feel like I was already sullied. I have to admit so far you are the only person who has accused me of having pouty lips in my panties.

"Pouty Lips...Oh, it's not those lips that are pouty?"

Mariann Simms said...

Wow...I am so honoured! I am! And to be compared as a "female version of you"...well, be still my beating heart. (And that's coming straight from a person who takes both Verapamil and Wafarin, so I'm not really asking my heart to be still - but you know...it's a saying.)

Did I actually ask for an award? Oh...yeah...I remember that I don't remember as I write most of my stuff under Ambien-influence. But it does sound like me...and while I'm on the topic of awards...

...please, everyone, if you have ANY awards you give out - I am available. ;)

Honestly, thank you - I love it. And without meaning to sound too redundant...I shall post it post-haste.

Janet said...

sorry, I just can't stop giggling over the wombat in the panties thing. Can I put the dog picture on my blog and pretend i did you a favor way back whenever it was?

Peter N said...

So many laughs I lost count! Thanks, Sul.

Reasons said...

Oh...and like....where's MINE????

Just because I didn't ask for one doesn't mean to say i won't pout and sulk and stamp my foot for not receiving one. Not that I'd stoop so low as go ASK for one. Oh no. Not me.

HERUMPH!!

XX

Shrinky said...

Are you naked there? (Zooming in) Jeeze, careful for what you wish for, eh?

Carolina said...

I was right about the teeth!

;-)

Eddie Bluelights said...

Great Award, Sully
I deserve it!! LOL ~ Eddie

Debbie Drews said...

Thanks for the encouraging comments you kindly left on my post. Debs

Kathryn Magendie said...

LAUGHING!!!! now ain't you a sweetie(stinker)...now I'll have to go by and visit them....

Realliveman said...

Cool blog. I will be back for more

Judi FitzPatrick said...

Well, I congratulate the "winners" or do I? Thanks again for the laughs!
Peace, Judi

Ruth and Glen said...

Finally got some downtime and a chance to catch up here. Now THAT is certainly a one-of-a-kind award. LOL. Congrats to the recipients!

Gaston Studio said...

Well, that's different! Congrats to the recepients and to you for a great idea.

Jeni said...

How could anyone possibly be offended if they receive such a prestigious award as this one?
It's kind of hard to imagine someone else who writes a bit like you do but if you say so, I'll take your word for it and assume that means intelligently but with what some might call a bit of a perverse side too. You've not steered me wrong thus far with these pronouncements so I figure the same goes for now too.