Monday, October 26, 2009
[Image stolen from Canada.com]
Is there something in the water up there? I keep warning people: DO NOT GIVE ME ANY MORE AWARDS! And then some Canadian dope (or is that redundant?) goes ahead and gives me one. Jazz (apparently not the brightest bulb in the chandelier) gave me this:
As you can see, it's called the "Over The Top" award. For a dimwit, Jazz showed great perspicacity. Despite how my agreeing with her will lower the estimation of my IQ in the eyes of the intelligentsia (that is, non-Canadians) I find that I must concur with her on one thought: What in hell does a woman in an apron have to do with being over the top? See, if I was designing an award called the Over The Top Award, and for some unfathomable reason it had to involve a woman in an apron, this would seem to me a more suitable bit of artwork:
(And, by the way, if you'd like to purchase this work of art, you can! Go to AllPosters.com)
Even more tragic than any of the foregoing, this is another of those awards that comes attached to a meme. Before I can have the award, I'm supposed to give 35 one-word answers to 35 stupid questions. Okay, I will. But, first, since Jazz gave me this onerous duty, I think it's only fair that I make fun of her entire country. I call this song "Oh, Canada!" and you can sing it to the tune of "Oh, Canada!"
Your armpits smell like cheese!
True nerfbrain dopes who fall down on their knees
When a Queen walks by, or a Frenchman farts; it's a sorry sight to see!
Oh, Canada! Football teams of 12! A dollar called the loonie!
Oh, Canada, your thumb is up your bum!
Oh, Canada, your thumb is
Oh, hell. I actually like Canadians quite a bit. Mister Rogers got his big break up there, and for that alone I'll give them their props. And the Canadian people, on the whole, have a general niceness to them that inspires similar in return, so I feel ten different sorts of guilt at having said these nasty things about them (except for the French-Canadians, who have a certain insufferable arrogance in common with Frenchmen the world over. Of course, most of them don't give a damn what I have to say, since this isn't written in French, so fuck them.)
(Okay, okay. I know lots of swell French folk, too, and my ancestry is about 25% French. Geez, this is just a stupid pastiche of lame jokes until I get to the damn meme. Chill, Canadian Frenchpeople.)
Here's the damn meme.
(One word answers. Here's one word for you: Blowme. What is this, psychotherapy?)
1. Where is your cell phone? Hell
2. Your hair? Extinct
3. Your mother? Embarrassed
4. Your father? Beyond
5. Your favorite food? Animals
6. Your dream last night? Weasels (Really. It was hideous.)
7. Your favorite drink? Women
8. Your dream/goal? Heaven (My chances have been radically diminished with this.)
9. What room are you in? Mush
10. Your hobby? This
11. Your fear? That
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Here
13. Where were you last night? There
14. Something that you aren't? Everywhere
15. Muffins? Puffins
16. Wish list item? Sex
17. Where did you grow up? Haven't
18. Last thing you did? WIFE (I don't do it with things, you Canadian pervert.)
19. What are you wearing? Out
20. Your TV? Aggravating
21. Your pets? Cigarettes
22. Friends? Cheers
(Hah! See what I did there? I would've said My Name Is Earl, but it had to be one word.)
23. Your life? Mumbletypeg
24. Your mood? Abstract
25. Missing someone? Me
26. Vehicle? Drugs
27. Something you're not wearing? Well
28. Your favorite store? Charlie's
29. Your favorite color? Translucent
30. When was the last time you laughed? Now
31. Last time you cried? Then
32. Your best friend? #18 (Does that qualify as one word? Probably not. By this time, who gives a rat's ass?)
33. One place that I go to over and over? Edge
34. One person who emails me regularly? God
35. Favorite place to eat? Crotch (although inside of the elbow is pleasant enough and between the breasts is good for a laugh.)
Okee-dokee. That takes care of that.
Oops! I think I'm supposed to hand this execrable piece of goose poop off to some other poor sucker. Here goes...
I'm giving it to Shammickite at Rook's Nest. She's from Canada, so it's going back north where it belongs. I really shouldn't burden her with this, as she is a truly nice person who sent me a couple of wheat pennies in response to this, but what the hell. With any luck, she became so pissed off by the time she reached "Oh, Canada!" that she'll never have gotten this far and won't even know she's been tagged.
Soon, with less rancorous stuff.
(By the way, I stole the cliche Frenchman from This Place.)