Monday, October 26, 2009

Canuck Gives Me An Award, Eh?

[Image stolen from]

Is there something in the water up there? I keep warning people: DO NOT GIVE ME ANY MORE AWARDS! And then some Canadian dope (or is that redundant?) goes ahead and gives me one. Jazz (apparently not the brightest bulb in the chandelier) gave me this:

As you can see, it's called the "Over The Top" award. For a dimwit, Jazz showed great perspicacity. Despite how my agreeing with her will lower the estimation of my IQ in the eyes of the intelligentsia (that is, non-Canadians) I find that I must concur with her on one thought: What in hell does a woman in an apron have to do with being over the top? See, if I was designing an award called the Over The Top Award, and for some unfathomable reason it had to involve a woman in an apron, this would seem to me a more suitable bit of artwork:

(And, by the way, if you'd like to purchase this work of art, you can! Go to

Even more tragic than any of the foregoing, this is another of those awards that comes attached to a meme. Before I can have the award, I'm supposed to give 35 one-word answers to 35 stupid questions. Okay, I will. But, first, since Jazz gave me this onerous duty, I think it's only fair that I make fun of her entire country. I call this song "Oh, Canada!" and you can sing it to the tune of "Oh, Canada!"

Oh, Canada!
Your armpits smell like cheese!
True nerfbrain dopes who fall down on their knees
When a Queen walks by, or a Frenchman farts; it's a sorry sight to see!
Oh, Canada! Football teams of 12! A dollar called the loonie!
Oh, Canada!
Gloriously Dumb!
Oh, Canada, your thumb is up your bum!
Oh, Canada, your thumb is

Oh, hell. I actually like Canadians quite a bit. Mister Rogers got his big break up there, and for that alone I'll give them their props. And the Canadian people, on the whole, have a general niceness to them that inspires similar in return, so I feel ten different sorts of guilt at having said these nasty things about them (except for the French-Canadians, who have a certain insufferable arrogance in common with Frenchmen the world over. Of course, most of them don't give a damn what I have to say, since this isn't written in French, so fuck them.)

(Okay, okay. I know lots of swell French folk, too, and my ancestry is about 25% French. Geez, this is just a stupid pastiche of lame jokes until I get to the damn meme. Chill, Canadian Frenchpeople.)

Here's the damn meme.

(One word answers. Here's one word for you: Blowme. What is this, psychotherapy?)

1. Where is your cell phone? Hell
2. Your hair? Extinct
3. Your mother? Embarrassed
4. Your father? Beyond
5. Your favorite food? Animals
6. Your dream last night? Weasels (Really. It was hideous.)
7. Your favorite drink? Women
8. Your dream/goal? Heaven (My chances have been radically diminished with this.)
9. What room are you in? Mush
10. Your hobby? This
11. Your fear? That
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Here
13. Where were you last night? There
14. Something that you aren't? Everywhere
15. Muffins? Puffins
16. Wish list item? Sex
17. Where did you grow up? Haven't
18. Last thing you did? WIFE (I don't do it with things, you Canadian pervert.)
19. What are you wearing? Out
20. Your TV? Aggravating
21. Your pets? Cigarettes
22. Friends? Cheers

(Hah! See what I did there? I would've said My Name Is Earl, but it had to be one word.)

23. Your life? Mumbletypeg
24. Your mood? Abstract
25. Missing someone? Me
26. Vehicle? Drugs
27. Something you're not wearing? Well
28. Your favorite store? Charlie's
29. Your favorite color? Translucent
30. When was the last time you laughed? Now
31. Last time you cried? Then
32. Your best friend? #18 (Does that qualify as one word? Probably not. By this time, who gives a rat's ass?)
33. One place that I go to over and over? Edge
34. One person who emails me regularly? God
35. Favorite place to eat? Crotch (although inside of the elbow is pleasant enough and between the breasts is good for a laugh.)

Okee-dokee. That takes care of that.

Oops! I think I'm supposed to hand this execrable piece of goose poop off to some other poor sucker. Here goes...

I'm giving it to Shammickite at Rook's Nest. She's from Canada, so it's going back north where it belongs. I really shouldn't burden her with this, as she is a truly nice person who sent me a couple of wheat pennies in response to this, but what the hell. With any luck, she became so pissed off by the time she reached "Oh, Canada!" that she'll never have gotten this far and won't even know she's been tagged.

Soon, with less rancorous stuff.

(By the way, I stole the cliche Frenchman from This Place.)


Buck said...

except for the French-Canadians, who have a certain insufferable arrogance in common with Frenchmen the world over.

Especially where Les Habitants are concerned! THAT'S "insufferable arrogance!" (all in good fun, of course. No, not really.)

Hilary said...

Ouch.. you hate Canadians. I'm so insulted. I'm so hurt. I'm so laughing. :) Poor Shammie. :)

Another funny post from one of my favoUrite Amurikans.

Shammickite said...

No, Mr Suldog, you may be surprised to hear that I don't get mortally insulted when I read all the ridiculous crap you spout about Canada, my chosen country! I simply feel incredibly sorry for all you uneducated and blinkered Amurricans.... people who mistakenly believe that they live in the greatest country in the world, whereas you are all misguided souls, floundering in ineptitude and bad government.
There are so many good things about Canada, far too many to list here, but let me remind you, Mr Suldog, that I found you a 1913 wheat penny here in Canada, and you couldn't find one in the whole of the Unites States of Amurrica! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Oh.... by the way.... almost forgot... thanks for the award!

Daryl said...

Aha .. where is her other hand? And does she use that tickler, er, duster on herself, her client,er, her friends or both? Inquiring NON Canadian bloggers need to know.

Sandy Kessler said...

one word huh. ZUT!!

Michelle H. said...

I have one word, and it's for that black & white artwork of the maid with the duster.


Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chris said...

Favorite Room: Mush.

Wow, that's awful. I love it.

You know, Sully, you may not WANT to reveal details about yourself on these things, but you end up doing just that. To be frank (and you can be Ernest), it's kinda creepy.

And you know I mean that as a compliment.

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip said...

Y'know, just because you receive an Over the Top! award, it doesn't mean you have go over the top with your response...
Wait a minute!!! Sure you do. It came with strings.
Any time there is a demand for a one word answer, the questioners deserve what they get... particularly if it's on a Monday.

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip said...

BTW - I have nothing against Canadians. Some of my best friends are from Canadia <- [GRINS]

Anonymous said...

Thank you Jazz for having the nerve to give Jim an award. So good to have you back m'dear and not a ball round or oval to be seen.

The French Canadians hate the French, which was one good reason for us not to stay there.
First good laugh I've had in days, merci.

Jinksy said...

This is the first set of answers resulting from a meme, that I have actually enjoyed! Most are too boring for words... But don't get any ideas about ever getting me to answer a similar set of questions, eh? :)

Desmond Jones said...

Not to worry, Sully; I'll never give you an award. . .

But heck, by insulting Canadians, you're insulting a significant chunk of my ancestry. So I suppose I should be really pissed. But, as the Canadians say, "EH. . ."

You know how to spell 'Canada', right?

C-eh-N-eh-D-eh. . .

And room. . . mush. . . mush-room. . . I just got it. . .


Brian Miller said...

and if you had not earned it you earned the

Elizabeth Bradley said...

My mother was a French Canadian. My dad would have been an Irish Canadian, had his mother and father not have been living in Detroit Michigan when he was born. So I'm offended, you bet I am. Okay, not really.

Dad married a French girl, (why I'll never know, because he called them frogs and had quite a bit of trouble with their arrogance.) Mom used to say his family thought being Irish made them better than everybody else because the Irish were put down so much, and to combat the bigotry they developed a superior attitude. Seems there was plenty of superiority to go around. :)

Judi FitzPatrick said...

19. What are you wearing? Out
27. Something you're not wearing? Well

Too funny, you had me laughing out loud, literally!

Peace, Judi

GreenJello said...

Hmmm... I think I will make that award for you.

Theresa said...

Great answers! I laughed at their ingenuity and originality. You are the master of the answered and yet, unanswered, question.

Jazz said...

Damn Jim, this was a good one. Oh, and for the record, I'm not only Canajun eh?, I'm one of those frenchies too...

And for the record, I'll hunt you down again if I get another one...

Gennasus said...

You dream about weasels? What goes on in that brain of yours?!

I'm glad you took up the challenge, your answers made me laugh. And I'm so relieved you don't do THINGS.

lime said...

oh lordy, suldog, i soooo needed a laugh tonight. thankyouthankyouthankyou a hundred times over for providing it. from quoting monty python to so many of your answers...this was very good therapy.

Susan English Mason said...

My One Word:


Fragrant Liar said...

You are a cracy mo-fo.

Jeni said...

Oh please, please, PLEASE, don't ever grow up, Jim! Your humor was sorely needed in my life today -as I was miserable, witchy-bitchy and just plain nasty too -wish I'd had a chance to read this earlier today as it could have begun the process of bringing a little bit of laughter and light -much, much needed -into my life!

Ananda girl said...

I am particularly fond of this one Suldog... you're my favorite perv!

Uncle Jim said...

Your grandmother was Canadian!