Monday, August 03, 2009

The Last Award I Am Ever Going To Accept

Here's the award.

You may be asking yourself why this is the last award I am ever going to accept. Fair enough question, but you'd be more likely to find out the answer if you were asking me. The answer, in any case, is that I've run out of original ways to insult these things. I've gotten so many of them that my well has run dry.

(My well was only about a foot deep to begin with.)

I used to be able to insult people at will and with style. Maybe not class; in the monopoly game of life, that has always been an elusive property for me to acquire. But, style? Originality? For sure. To wit (but not one heck of a lot):

A Previous Award Acceptage

Well, okay, maybe my claims of originality aren't all they're cracked up to be, but I'm just lousy with style, as well as without it.

I received the currant award...

No, that would be an award associated with berries. I received the current award from Blunt Delivery. She is a very funny person. To be singled out, in her estimation, as funny myself, is certainly an honor that ranks up there with, say, being named starting first baseman for the 1963 Washington Senators.

(Bobo. I've always had a fondness for athletes named Bobo. Do parents actually name their boys that? I find it hard to believe, but look at Dweezil Zappa and Zowie Bowie. Anything's possible. So far as I can tell from the previously linked biographical information, Bobo Osborne didn't have any other name aside from Bobo. Let's check out some others!

Bobo Olson appears to have been "Carl" via his parent's ingenuity. But, can you think of a better name for a boxer than "Bobo"? I mean, not counting "Irving", especially when your ring alias was Izzy Ashcan.

Bobo Brazil was a totally fictitious name, but he was a pro wrestler, so what did you expect?

Hmmmmmmmm. Actually, those are all of the Bobos I can think of, except for Bobo Newsom. And his real name wasn't Bobo, either. I'm severely disappointed by these results, and now most of you have left here scratching your heads, saying, "What in the hell was that guy talking about? Let's go look at some LOLCats! At least if they're not funny, they're cute!")

See? I tried to riff on guys named "Bobo" for about 150 words and failed miserably. I'm completely out of ideas here. I am a shell of my formerly venomous self.

(I could have said "I am Michelle of my formerly venomous self", but only about three of you would have gotten that joke, even with the link. And my readers have some of the biggest brains around, which means you'll be in deep shit when I release the zombies. However, I digress.)

You want to know how little gas I have left in the tank of my imagination? The picture in the award is of a Barbie doll holding two tiny bags of cocaine. And I can't come up with anything. Zilch. Nada. It should have been like shooting fish in a barrel, but...

(Did anybody ever actually do that? Maybe it wasn't like taking a gun and aiming into a barrel full of fish, but rather a person wearing a barrel and... this is going nowhere, too. Sorry.)

So, without any further ado - and that's even the best I could come up with for that, and I've been using this running joke, off and on, for almost five years now - I graciously accept the award. It will go in a place of honor underneath all of the other worthless trinkets I've been given (one of which was the previously-linked-to "Zombie Chicken Award", so this new one should probably wear a hat or something.)

I have a feeling that this disgraceful performance will lose me about 150 followers - and I only have 126 - so my usual closing is probably superfluous.

(Is it possible to just be 'fluous'? How about... Oh, screw it.)

(Even my fact-checking sucks. I must have gone to Bobo Osborne's stats page five times, making sure it didn't give another name aside from Bobo. I just clicked the link, to be sure it worked, and I saw immediately that his real first name was Lawrence. Feh.)

Soon, with more bitter stuff.


Ananda girl said...

So that must be why we call those blow-up punching clowns "Bobos"! Maybe its something with the name Carl... my uncle Carl who played in the Minors... we called Uncle Punk. It had nothing at all to do with music. I had an Uncle Boob too... but that's another story!


eeka said...

Jim, in honor of this beautifully written post, I'd like to bestow upon you this most coveted award:

You, Jim Suldog, have just been awarded the 2009 Smoot Award for blogging excellence. Wear it proudly.

eeka said...

You may claim your award here:

Rodell said...

I'm going to start reading your stuff, but I promise I won't award or otherwise honor your for it.

Have a great day!

Chris R.

Suldog said...

Eeka, imp that she is, is trying to make a liar out of me. That's not too hard of a task, as I have a propensity toward that end of the truthfulness spectrum to begin with, but I truly appreciate the effort.

lime said...

you realize this is likely to invite as many awards as you have readers don't you?

Buck said...

Barbie's holding two lil bags o' blow? And here I thought they were pillows. Now there's a "failure of imagination" for ya.

Jazz said...

Ha! you've been brought to the brink by these things.

We got ya!!!

But I'm sure you'll get your mojo back when they just keep coming.

AlpHa Buttonpusher said...

So basically you said award blah blah blah something something like the last time I gave you one?! You're going soft man!

Michelle H. said...

(I could have said "I am Michelle of my formerly venomous self", but only about three of you would have gotten that joke, even with the link.

Um, I don't get it.

Huh, so Barbie's selling blow. I guess with Ken getting 5 to 10 in the state pen for running that prostitute operation, she has to do something to pass the time before he's released.

There you go! Something original - and I'm not even going to charge you for it... at least I won't charge you much.

JennyMac said...

Big award for you...on its way. LOL. Great post...sassy and cynical...I like it.

blunt delivery said...

dear suldog,

so does this mean I've won at life? i've officially stumped and stifled your creative ability to come up with a witty comeback for my ridiculous, but awesome award?

or are you just tired?


Hilary said...

So is this the last award you're going to accept the same way this, that and then was your last season of baseball? Hope so. ;)

Granny on the Web said...

Methinks thou dost protest too much! You may get swamped with the things now!

Very chuckly post
Love Granny

Elizabeth Bradley said...

For some crazy reason I'm reminded of when Brando sent that American Indian girl to the Oscars.

lakeviewer said...

Suldog, you don't have to work at being funny. You just are. We love you for the quick-McGraw, shoot-em-up before they know it-take-no-prisoners-attitude. Long live the real Suldog.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Nothing wrong with a little rambling, Mr. Suldog. Knock yourself out.

Moannie said...

You're doing it on purpose, pretending to lose your Mojo, lulling us all into a false sense of security and then you'll pounce. I'm not fooled, no award from me, ever, even if I had the wit to think an appropriate one up .

Eddie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
david mcmahon said...

You, sir, have more awards than the late Audie Murphy had medals.

Deservedly, in both cases!

Eddie Bluelights said...

I give you advance warning Mr Suldog that I am preparing an award for you right now as we speak!
It is futile to resist because you are surrounded by lots of my angels and members of the most dangerous sex - all lionesses in their prime. The award is A HEART! My Heart of gold because underneath all that protesting, kicking and screaming there lies a man who has a heart, somewhere! deep inside!
Full details will appear on my next post - but take heart! ~ Eddie

Jackie said...

See how naive I am....I thought Barbie was holding two bags of powdered sugar. She could be whipping up a batch of lemon squares and sprinking p/shugar on them...and being the sweet li'l girl that she was originally intended to be. You are a funny guy. And, like Granny, I think you will now be innundated. Get ready.... :))
Smiles from Jackie
Ooooh....the word verification:
slycan :))

Sandy Kessler said...

You are so gracious I can't stand it sandy

Janet said...

You are in very grave danger of hurting my feelings. You had best go to my blog pdq.
(Just kidding, I'll always love you. But seriously, go visit my blog. I actually posted.)

Expat From Hell said...

I am working on the Pencilneck Geek award, but I'm not finished my Google research on the beloved Freddie Blassie. You, my friend, are the Bobo Brazil of Blogging. Perhaps the BBB award coming?


Jeni said...

The day your well runs dry I will have to stop blogging. No one to entertain me ya know!

Thumbelina said...

See? I go awol for a while and you get mush for brains.


Word veri is RUSTES. That's your brain. Rusty.