Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Finally! An Award I Deserve!


Ah, yes, indeed. I have been given another award. Unlike some of the previous awards I have been given - this, this, this, this, this, and this come immediately to mind - I will accept this one with a minimum of virtual dopeslapping.

This sudden attack of benevolence is not due to the award itself, although the award itself is mighty snazzy. No, the major reason is the awarder herself. This award was given to me by the lovely-yet-entirely-whacked-out Lime.

I've actually met this person. I've broken bread with her. We didn't mean to break the bread; it was just a bit of over-exuberance on our part. Nevertheless, we had some fun and parted ways amicably. It was my treat for dinner, so I don't want to screw myself out of a chance to get one back by calling her all sorts of nasty names.

I know, I know. You've probably given me an award in the past, and now you're saying, "This bastard tore me a gaping new one and she gets away with giving him an award just because he's afraid he won't get some shoo-fly pie at some unspecified later date? WTF?"

Well, if you spoke in full words, instead of initials, you'd make a better case for yourself, but I agree on the main point, which is that I'm a slug. Thus, I'm afraid this will not get any better for you, so to make this trip here at least worth a little bit of your while, here's a funny cat.



Here are the rules associated with this award:

The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken - excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all!

Those are the kind of rules I could possibly live with, excluding the first four sentences. Oops! There are only four sentences! Well, I like the spirit of the thing, anyway. At least, I like the mental picture of all of you running like hell through a barnyard crammed full of zombie chickens in order to get to my stuff. I think I'd like the mental picture even more if some of you were naked. Let me see.

(short pause to visualize you naked)

Yes, it was pretty good - except when Buck, Stu, and Chris Mauger entered the picture. Just for that, they're the first three who'll get this award when I'm handing it out at the end. That means there are still two of you who should be very afraid, despite how good you look naked, unless you send me actual photos of you naked, but that hasn't gotten me too many naked photos in the past, so why should I expect anything different now?

The real reason I deserve this award is because I know how to survive a Zombie Chicken apocalypse. The answer to Zombie Chickens is Zombie Cats!




Of course, then we'll have to get rid of the Zombie Cats. And the answer to Zombie Cats is... Zombie Dogs!




... even if he seems to have mistaken cupcakes for brains.

Of course, once the Zombie Dogs have eaten all of our cupcakes, we'll have no choice but to call in the Zombie Eagles!!!




Well, OK, I guess that's just a cartoon buzzard. He'll have to do. Then, in order to get rid of him, we'll call in that world famous transvestite, Bugs Bunny.




And, in order to get rid of Bugs, we get this.






I bet you thought I'd show you a can of Raid, but instead I went for the slightly more esoteric "hare remover" joke. That's why I get Zombie Chicken awards, bub.

And now, let's end this pitiful excuse for entertainment by naming the poor souls I'm foisting this award upon.

Buck, Stu, and Chris Mauger, for ruining my barnyard porno fantasy. That's not my only reason for picking them, though. I picked Buck because that's the sound Zombie Chickens make. I picked Stu because that's the only good way to cook a Zombie Chicken. And I picked Chris Mauger because he's a Yankees fan, which has nothing whatsoever to do with Zombie Chickens. He's just a Yankees fan.

The other two people who now have to cope with this thing are Gumbo Writer, because, well, DUH, Gumbo! And, ummmmmmmm... oh, how about Brinkbeest? She's got horses and stuff, so a few Zombie Chickens running around the yard probably won't make a big difference.

And there you have it, whatever it was.

Soon, with more better stuffing.

39 comments:

lime said...

here i had myself braced for and gleefully anticipating the abuse. i'm shocked, i'm stunned. (i'm also clearly more whacked out than even i realized)

i'm putting "the lovely-yet-entirely-whacked-out Lime" on my business cards (right under my job title of "supreme exalted empress lime:"). now i just need to get a business. in my empire you shall be promoted to head zombie chicken dispatcher and leader of the zombie minions since you clearly know how to wrangle the various zombie species.

oh, and if you're looking forward to shoo fly pie i can one up that with funny cake....imagine chocolate shoo fly pie rather than molasses based stuff. yeah....that took your mind off naked bloggers for just a moment didn't it? i thought so.

Michelle H. said...

Whoo-hoo! He didn't picture me naked, er, he didn't give me the award. Great post.

Pat - Arkansas said...

Oh, my! ::spewing coffee through my nose:::

One of these days I'll learn not to read your blog until AFTER I've finished my coffee.

Loved the hare remover!

i beati said...

well I'm completely miffed because I want that chicken and I don't know those people. time to ingratiate myself -- nair ahhaahahahahahahah

Stu said...

Funniest guy on the internet and the best you can do for me is pun my name? Oh, Sully, why hast thou betrayed me?

Also, the reason I never sent you a nude photo of myself is because I would never want to disrupt the sanctity of your marriage. While Your Wife might have been slightly revulsed, you clearly would have been overcome with desire. I don't need that sort of guilt.

With regard to Beaky "Killer" Buzzard, lets just say that he and I parted ways before my wedding day, well before my wedding day, I mean, like, hours!

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Oh, my, the chicken strikes again!!!! So fun to see what everyone is doing with the inspiration of the bird!!!!! The birdy bards are spreading their wings and making the rounds through the best bloggie sites around!!! So much fun...and I love all the additions to the zombie list...Yes, indeedy...surviving the zombie chicken apocalypse is certainly an achievement to be heralded! And you my friend are certainly one of us!!!! Or are we one of you? Anywhosit, birds of a feather must survive together! Cheers! ~Janine

Angie Ledbetter said...

Aww, Suldawg, can't tell you how honored I am...and, well, that the furballs all get ate up in your barnyard fantasy (let's leave the dawgs out of the scenario)!

Gumbo Writer shall wear the Zombie Chicken Badge with honor. (Dontcha love that their scrawny necks are wrung and their eyeballs are a'flappin?!)

When I ever get up to your area, I shall bring grits, shrimp, and all manner of fine vittles. Or if you git down here, we'll do you up a real crawfish boil! :)

Chris said...

Suldog, Suldog, Suldog. I've never been anything but nice and respectful, and this is the thanks I get? Being a Yankee fan has earned me many things . . . the joy of seeing my team win Championships, various objects tossed at me at Anaheim Stadium, ridicule from my co-workers in 2004. And now it's earned me a chicken award because a fifty-something Boston chowderhead fantasized about my naked body. There's only one thing I can say to this.

THANKS, DUDE!

Jazz said...

I wondered what you could say about this one. When I saw Lime had given it to you I figured it was the perfect fit.

Rhea said...

That is one creepy zombie dog. Yikes.

lakeviewer said...

You never fail to entertain and outrage a bit. Keeping us alive, ah?

Ananda girl said...

I have been here once before... Good Friday, which made me come back. Today I laughed so hard my co-worker came to see if I was alright. What an initeresting place you've got here!

Hilary said...

You never fail to entertain. :)

petra michelle; Whose role is it anyway? said...

Hilarious, Suldog, and oongratulations!

We Yankee fans don't need to defend ourselves! :))

jinksy said...

There is no doubt - you are the best joker in the pack! x

Buck said...

Aiiieee. You KNOW I have the same take on awards as yourself, minus the good humor (I've been fresh out of white suits for years). Add in the fact that this is the first blog-thing I read after (a) staying up all night and (b) sleeping until (nearly) the crack o' noon... and I'm nonplussed. Non-minused, too.

So. I'll play it straight: Thanks!

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Thanks, Jim, for returning my visit, and for your very kind and generous comments! Wishbone-ing you all the very best! Janine

Ananda girl said...

Suldog-- To have you at Oodles of Funch was a nice surprise. I'm glad you visited. I'm getting a kick out of your place and was happy to find my way there. I hope you don't mind... I put a link to your Good Friday post on my Easter blog. Thanks for the giggles!

Chuck said...

So can we expect a zombie chicken salad from you soon?

I used to call Chicken Caesar Salad Chicken SEIZURE Salad and complain that it was hard to find enough epileptic chickens to make it. Not that this has anything to do with your award.

Congratulations!

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Love, love, love, the Zombie Cats!

Jeni said...

I too was looking forward with great anticipation as to how you would wrangle around -and probably mangle too -the award when Lime said she was giving it to you. Great handling and handing off though. Highly commendable and more than a few good chuckles in the mix.

Cath said...

I think the zombie chicken award so suits you. Really. It's you to a T. Perfect. :)

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

for a while there l was very, very afraid!! LOL

Jane! said...

Did you say chicken and gumbo in the same post?
Now I gotta go find something to eat....

The Things We Carried said...

I am one who loves to see people recognized for their achievements, but there is no person, currently, I think I enjoy seeing receive an award as much as you!

Knowing you and YOUR WIFE had dinner with Lime not all that long ago, made it all the more interesting she would still bestow the award over here.

Have a nice weekend basking in the love of your fellow bloggers and the awards they can't resist sending your gracious way!

Andrea said...

Love this post...you need an award for the best acceptances of awards!!! :)

Ribbon said...

G'day... first time I've come across this award and I'm not surprised to find it here :-)

Congratualtions..... limes are wonderful!

Keep on lovin' life...

best wishes Ribbon

Jenn said...

nyuck, nyuck, nyuck...

Nair.

Rich said...

great post-funny pics too!!

GreenJello said...

You totally need to go over and award this award to Keely. She has a... thing... about zombies.

MVD said...

Braving a pack of zombie chickens to read the inspiration on these pages? Possible.

Of course, there's no question I'd weave through deranged fowl for some free voice-over work.

Gennasus said...

Zombie chickens? On no! Is it catching? Do I need to worry for my own little flock? Or, more to the point, me and LSH?!

Please send me one of those zombie cats.......just in case.

lakeviewer said...

I'm not sure you are over the chicken award yet. But, here is another one for you at sixtyfivewhatnow.

Woman in a Window said...

Wish I'd have known of that zombie cat! Yes, one of the better awards. Why can't they all be tongue in cheek (or invisible)?

david mcmahon said...

You met Lime? I hope you told her from me that I've always thought she is brilliant.

Janet said...

The Zombie cat nearly did me end, but the Hare Remover finished me off. And I keep telling you, naked is NOT a good way for me to be.

Carolina said...

Well, well! I truly loved your post again!
And I can assure you that we actually have some zombie chickens running around in our yard. No really. Some day I'll post some pictures (we have to take them first) of me, walking in the garden (not naked though, but I look better in your imagination) followed by two pigs, three dogs and about 4 zombie chickens and a rooster. Really, that happens! But thanks for mentioning me, and I will certainly pick up the award. Thanks again. And sorry for not answering earlier, have taken a three week blogbreak. Missed you terribly though and all of the other bloggers whose blogs I truly enjoy.

(Oh, and have you seen the British movie (or is it film?): 'Shaun of the dead'? Talking about zombies. Very funny. Highly recommend it to those who don't mind a bit of decapitating and bloodsplattering.
You can see the trailer here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfDUv3ZjH2k

Hugs xx

Ellen said...

Can I steal this idea and use it in my middle school english class? Are Zombie Chicken awards the sole provenance of bloggers? Don't you want to see what 12 year old language art students would do with this thing? To whom they would pass it? Please say yes, I can't afford risking my teacer creds by ripping this off...

Suldog said...

Ellen - By all means, thieve away! And please let me know the outcome!