Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Ah, yes, indeed. I have been given another award. Unlike some of the previous awards I have been given - this, this, this, this, this, and this come immediately to mind - I will accept this one with a minimum of virtual dopeslapping.
This sudden attack of benevolence is not due to the award itself, although the award itself is mighty snazzy. No, the major reason is the awarder herself. This award was given to me by the lovely-yet-entirely-whacked-out Lime.
I've actually met this person. I've broken bread with her. We didn't mean to break the bread; it was just a bit of over-exuberance on our part. Nevertheless, we had some fun and parted ways amicably. It was my treat for dinner, so I don't want to screw myself out of a chance to get one back by calling her all sorts of nasty names.
I know, I know. You've probably given me an award in the past, and now you're saying, "This bastard tore me a gaping new one and she gets away with giving him an award just because he's afraid he won't get some shoo-fly pie at some unspecified later date? WTF?"
Well, if you spoke in full words, instead of initials, you'd make a better case for yourself, but I agree on the main point, which is that I'm a slug. Thus, I'm afraid this will not get any better for you, so to make this trip here at least worth a little bit of your while, here's a funny cat.
Here are the rules associated with this award:
The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken - excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all!
Those are the kind of rules I could possibly live with, excluding the first four sentences. Oops! There are only four sentences! Well, I like the spirit of the thing, anyway. At least, I like the mental picture of all of you running like hell through a barnyard crammed full of zombie chickens in order to get to my stuff. I think I'd like the mental picture even more if some of you were naked. Let me see.
(short pause to visualize you naked)
Yes, it was pretty good - except when Buck, Stu, and Chris Mauger entered the picture. Just for that, they're the first three who'll get this award when I'm handing it out at the end. That means there are still two of you who should be very afraid, despite how good you look naked, unless you send me actual photos of you naked, but that hasn't gotten me too many naked photos in the past, so why should I expect anything different now?
The real reason I deserve this award is because I know how to survive a Zombie Chicken apocalypse. The answer to Zombie Chickens is Zombie Cats!
Of course, then we'll have to get rid of the Zombie Cats. And the answer to Zombie Cats is... Zombie Dogs!
... even if he seems to have mistaken cupcakes for brains.
Of course, once the Zombie Dogs have eaten all of our cupcakes, we'll have no choice but to call in the Zombie Eagles!!!
Well, OK, I guess that's just a cartoon buzzard. He'll have to do. Then, in order to get rid of him, we'll call in that world famous transvestite, Bugs Bunny.
And, in order to get rid of Bugs, we get this.
I bet you thought I'd show you a can of Raid, but instead I went for the slightly more esoteric "hare remover" joke. That's why I get Zombie Chicken awards, bub.
And now, let's end this pitiful excuse for entertainment by naming the poor souls I'm foisting this award upon.
Buck, Stu, and Chris Mauger, for ruining my barnyard porno fantasy. That's not my only reason for picking them, though. I picked Buck because that's the sound Zombie Chickens make. I picked Stu because that's the only good way to cook a Zombie Chicken. And I picked Chris Mauger because he's a Yankees fan, which has nothing whatsoever to do with Zombie Chickens. He's just a Yankees fan.
The other two people who now have to cope with this thing are Gumbo Writer, because, well, DUH, Gumbo! And, ummmmmmmm... oh, how about Brinkbeest? She's got horses and stuff, so a few Zombie Chickens running around the yard probably won't make a big difference.
And there you have it, whatever it was.
Soon, with more better stuffing.