Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Yeah, I Wrote It, But Your Guess Is As Good As Mine Concerning What In Hell It All Adds Up To

... 3:46am here in Boston, and that concludes tonight's broadcast of Red Sox baseball. The final score, Red Sox - 25, Yankees - 16, in 29 innings. We now join The Jim Sullivan Show, already in progress.

[Bark! Bark! [Sizzle] Yip! Bark! Bark! [Sizzle] Yip!]


Let’s hear it again for Michelle, The Flaming Poodle Juggler! Thank you, Michelle!


And now, we’ve come to that portion of the program wherein I dip into the mailbag and read letters from our viewers!

(Music: "We Get Letters")

Our first letter comes to us all the way from Port Orford, Oregon!

(Audience: "Oooooooooh!")

Well, I don’t know if we can expect much of anything from a place whose official tourism site has nothing on it, but here's the letter, anyway. It says, "I’ve tagged you for an award over at my place". Well, we all know what that means!

("If I Only Had A Brain" is played by studio orchestra. A huge Wheel-Of-Fortune-type device descends to the stage. Audience applauds.)

That’s right! It’s time to spin The Wheel Of Gratuitous Insults! And here we go!

(Spins wheel, while studio orchestra plays mid-section of "The Saber Dance". Music slows gradually, as does wheel.)

OK, the wheel is slowing down. Let's see what category of insults we come up with tonight!

The wheel is still spinning... it's going past You’re So Stupid, I... You Come From WHERE???..... What Did You Possibly Eat To Get So Fat?....... A Priest, A Rabbi, And YOU Walk Into A Bar......... Yo Mama........... You Call That A Baby?.............. I Haven't Smelled Anything That Bad Since.................. It looks like it’s going to land on The Last Time That Was Funny Was When Hooded Sheets Were A Fashion Accessory In Certain Parts Of Mississippi!...................... Aaaaaaaaaand..... No! The wheel has stopped on What In Hell Does THAT Mean?"

(Audience: BOO!)

Hey! Did you pay to get in here? I know it’s been a long time since the wheel landed on Quips Worthy Of Oscar Wilde And Dorothy Parker, but that’s the luck of the draw, folks. Now, let’s get on with it.

This award comes from SixtyFiveWhatNow! Huh? Come Again? What in Hell does THAT mean? And the award is called Palabras Como Rosas. What in Hell does THAT mean? Palabras? Friend of Brassieres?

(Audience starts throwing things)

Sit down, ingrates! You knew when you came in here I’d make a cheesy sex joke out of something sooner or later. Anyway, what about "Como"? What in Hell does THAT mean? Is it Perry Como, the old-timey crooner?

(Audience throws bigger, deadlier things)

OK, OK, I know this sucks so far, but wait for the payoff. "Rosas"? I bet that means just what it sounds like, a bunch of flowers. So, the whole thing taken together means Chum Of Over-The-Shoulder Boulder Holders And A Singer With Some Roses. What in Hell does THAT mean?

(Studio audience leaves, and I can’t say that I blame them)

OK, so the home audience is still here, right? Hello? I guess I'll have to continue on faith that you are.

I don’t know what to do with these awards anymore, folks. I can be as vicious as the next guy, assuming the next guy isn't Genghis Khan, but I’m trying to build up good karma for my dental surgery, so I don’t want to insult the giver of the award too greatly. She seems like a nice sort, anyway. I’m sure the award was given with all good intentions, but so are most cases of the clap. I’ll tack it onto the sidebar, as usual, and, insofar as entertainment goes, you can only hope that nobody gives me another award while I’m feeling so disgustingly mellow.

Actually, I did get another one, kinda sorta.

See, Angie Ledbetter, otherwise known as Gumbo Writer, gave me The Zombie Chicken Award.

What’s that you say? I already got this award, and just two weeks ago at that? Yeah, it’s true. Angie decided to throw a monkey wrench into my happy gears. When I got the award originally, she was one of the poor souls to whom I handed it off. Well, she decided to give it back.

I’ve got to tell you the truth. I don’t know what in hell to do now. I’ve never had this happen before. I always figured once you handed one of these odious things off to some other sucker, you were done with it. I guess not.

I’m going to take the coward’s way out, which should come as no surprise to any of you who know me well. I’m going to give the award to somebody else and then invoke the "no return tags" rule.

(If you don’t remember what that is, it’s from when you were a kid and you played a game of tag. When you were tagged and became "it", you could easily just tag the person who had tagged you and make them "it" again, right? And then they’d tag you again, and then you’d tag them again, and then sooner-or-later one of you hauled off and punched the other guy. In order to avoid such things, the “no return tag” rule came into being. Once you were tagged, you could only tag someone other than the person who tagged you. Because of that rule, I think I may still be "it" from the last game of tag I was ever involved in. However, I digress, and you certainly don't deserve that.)

(We had been smoking angel dust and playing the game by whacking each other over the head with 2x4s, as I recall. What I remember with clarity is getting conked on the noggin, and the next thing I knew I woke up in some bushes and my wallet was gone. I never saw those guys again. Come to think of it, I'm not entirely sure I had ever met them before that time, and maybe I was just mugged. Yeah, that would explain why my pants were missing, too, I guess. Huh.)

Soooooooooo, I’m giving the award to Magazine Man. Not only is he The Best Writer On The Internet (it says so on my sidebar, so it must be true) but he also will probably ignore the damn thing completely and that will be the end of that.

Boy, this wasn’t good, not even a tiny little bit. Hey! I’m having almost all of my remaining teeth out on Thursday! Did I mention that? Cut me some slack.

And that’s The Jim Sullivan Show for today. Be sure to stay tuned for The National Oyster Shucking Championship coming up next on many of these fine stations.

(sound of crickets)

Stuff, Better, More With, Soon.


Expat From Hell said...

Free-form commentary is often the best. Miles Davis jazz records are wonderful because he just lets it rip. You are the Blogging Miles Davis. Keep up the good work!


lime said...

oh man, can i be the vapid game show hostess who smiles when the wheel of insults descends? no scratch that, i want to be the surly, intelligent version of vanna white. wait, anne robsinson already did that with the weakest link...dangit...you got any use for a tie dyed chick with a warped sense of humor and crazy hair? i just wanna be on your game show as a hostess is all.

Sniffles and Smiles said...

YOU are so witty! Very funny post! Don't know how you do it...More better stuff...well, with you that's possible...but I think you do the more better stuff every post!

Gennasus said...

As ever, your writing is inspired (and probably inspiring), I am not worthy to leave a comment. Not that I'll let that stop me.

You set the scene so well, I was there in that audience, throwing stuff and waiting for those flaming poodles.

Shame I couldn't paw something forward to you. Those salmon treats are really yummy! With your impending dental surgery (ouch!), I hope I didn't make you wince when I mentioned my vizsla looking like she had no teeth. Don't worry, I'm sure you won't look like that!

MVD said...

Hey Suldog - I'll see you at St. Mary's for the oyster shucking. If they're raw on the half shell, you won't need teeth to enjoy yourself anyhow.

Anonymous said...

I think you are getting the awards simply for the marvellous rants that follow on as night follows day. Roll on the next one but it won't be from me 'cos I'm chicken.

Angie Ledbetter said...

Great broadcast, Sul!

"no return tags"...um, does this include regifting at Christmas?

I truly am praying for the forthcoming nightmare when the white-coated guy/gal-who-sticks-hands-in-mouths-and-expects-a-conversation session.

Love this place. Always makes me smile.

Pat - Arkansas said...

If there ever was a blog that did NOT have "Words Like Roses" it's this one! (With a few notable exceptions like your posts on Dorothy and praises of YOUR WIFE.) Perhaps it is those posts that have garnered the "Palabras Como Rosas" award. I'm delighted to see that you have accepted it with your usual grace.

All that being said, I loved it... as usual!

Chris said...

In fairness to the Yankees, the nine-run top of the 29th inning was allowed to happen only because Mark Teixeira was on the mound for New York. And I must say, I was pretty impressed with Pedroia's 13-18 hitting performance.

Entertaining as always, Sully. Take care.

Ananda girl said...

You never cease to entertain me here. I never know what you will do. It's always funny and you know, what is life without a good laugh? Thanks. Keeping those prayers and blessings going, by the way.

Theresa said...

What the heck are you talking about! That was a very entertaining post. You modest modest man. Good luck with the whole "teeth thing". Just look at it this way...You're gonna get some real good drugs. Maybe good enough you'll end up in the bushes with no pants again.

Michelle H. said...

They were REAL POODLES?!?

Oh, Suldog. How could you? Or am I the one barking and yipping because my hands are on fire during the juggling.

WTF! I never got paid either!

Buck said...

"Boy, this wasn’t good, not even a tiny little bit."

Au contraire, mon ami! Brilliant... as usual.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Soopoyb, Suldawg! I've been practicing the American accent - Well one anyway - Please, pliz, pleez may I have a job as a multi-faceted, comedic, voice-over artist?!

You make it look so easy - Just like your writing, Sir - A gift, and you wear it well, as Mr Stewart once crooned between football matches!

Word verif is 'coonatic' - I kid you not - I think the Universe is playing tricks on us... I think we should be told!

Cath said...

Hilarious, you can, out of anything, make.
Do it, you, how?

Insanity prevails.


david mcmahon said...

Aw, shucks - oyster championships!!

Rosaria Williams said...

Well, Suldog,you didn't disappoint. Only, I should have sent you a Palabras como Onions. It would made more sense, as I figure your dog will need onions to be palatable. You got me and Port Orford on the map. What more is there?

Jeni said...

Two major truths in this post and the comments. One being how you can slice up and serve insults over the blog awards and the comments about that you can take just about anything, write it up in a post and keep folks coming back for me. And that is just what the person you awarded this to does in his writing as well! Yep, for sure Magazine Man is the best writer out there! So your commenters comments have my vote for being so right about you and your style and your awarding that to MM is also 200% on target!
Love your crazy award acceptance speeches! More soon with better? Well, it must be cause I sure do keep coming back for more, don't I -and so do a whole lot of others!

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Oh, but of course this is a POTD!!! You are so brilliantly funny! Congrats, Jim...From a fan, Janine

Jinksy said...

Thinking of you today, Thursday, as I write...Wish, Oh, WISH I could award you more Zombie Chickens until you had a whole flock, at which point you wrath would probably hold no bounds. Instead I hereby endow you with the special, Invisible Teeth Award, as your bark was always worse than your bite - although this may be even more evident in future.

See - there it is in the space above. Treat it with care, as the roots go deep....

Reasons said...

You accepted an award?!! 2 awards?!! Are you becoming a little soft dear Suldog, or did the dentist start you on some medication already?

And now you're POTD I see - fame and awards. SPEECH!!

Suldog said...

The Invisible Teeth Award! I have long-dreamed of getting it! And, I've had an acceptance speech all ready to go, too. Here it is!

And I thank you!

Cheffie-Mom said...

Congratulations on the Post of the Day Award! Great job!

Jewels said...

Sigh. I love sarcasm! This actually made me laugh out loud. And not just the LOL that you put at the top of people's posts, but the really real kind in which your mouth opens, (teeth or no teeth), and a huge GAFAW comes right out of your belly.

Janet said...

I don't know if I laughed harder over Friend of Brassieres or clap being given with good intentions. I swear I'm giving you the next award I get just so you'll write me my very own post. This is hysterical.