Monday, April 06, 2009

OK, Granny, Let's Compare What We Twiddle

You all know how I feel about receiving blog awards, right?

(If not, read this or this or this or even this. You'll get the idea quickly, I'm sure.)

I feel pretty much the same way about being tagged to complete some dreadful meme. Sure, let me list 20 things I like to fantasize about while masturbating. I've got nothing better to do, other than the actual masturbating.

Here's the truth. I rather like being given the tools with which to write a relatively easy blog post. Awards and memes certainly provide me with that. I can hold them aside until I'm bereft of actual ideas and then trot them out to do a dirty little dance accompanied by my semi-obscene commentary. Swell, so far. And, perhaps it's something in my natural makeup, but I find it rather simple to insult the hell out of someone or some thing. To be sure, I always tell the person who gives me the award - at their place, in the comments - that I'm going to insult both the award and him/her. It seems that my reputation is such that it's now expected, so the awarding party takes some sort of perverse pride in being dragged through my verbal slime. All well and good. I get to let off some steam, you get a few laughs, and nobody's feelings are truly hurt.

Today, though, I have to do a beastly thing. I was given a meme by Granny On The Web. I've done what I usually do - told her that I'd be ripping her a new one - but, damn, she's a nice little old granny. Seriously. She's a churchgoing lady with 7 kids and a scad of grandchildren and she lists one of her interests as "caring". I kid you not. It's a lovely sentiment, she seems to be a lovely person, and I don't know if there's any way I can pull this off without looking like a complete turd.

I'm going to give it my best shot.

First off, I'm only assuming she's a granny. Actually, she's probably some 15-year-old pimply git sitting in his mom's council house in Shepherd's Bush, his similarly spotty mates gathered around the computer getting their jollies from some wanker in the states having bought it. But, let's work on that assumption that she really is a granny. The woman says she likes the Bee-Gees, Barbara Streisand, The Carpenters, and ABBA. What sort of a Motorhead, Black Sabbath, Deep Purple, and Ramones fan would I be if I didn't give her a couple of well-aimed kicks with my steel-toed Doc Martens?

Here's the meme she wishes me to complete, in it's entirety from her blog:

I have been tagged by Willow Tree to write seven quirky things about Moi.

Do I have seven?......

... or even one quirky thing in my make-up à propos mi persona?

Surely not, OK wait a minute then I'll ask Hubby...

1. I pretend I can speak French/ Spanish/Chinese ( I can, a bit) and he says I still pretend I can speak English.

2. I day-dream. Constantly! ( Really?)

3. I don't like meat. (So! I am not alone in that!)

4. I twiddle my thumbs. ( So what! at least I am not sat idly doing nothing)

5. I'm stubborn ( What!!! Oh all right then Yes I am)

6. I eat too quickly ( Burp, Excuse me. Oh, Ok then I do)

7. I am too shy. (Ah, is that a quirk? Could be.....(perhaps a tiny one))

Those are pretty quirky things. Mine will seem rather mundane by comparison. And, just so you can see how mundane, let's compare them, first hers and then mine.

Granny - I pretend I can speak French/Spanish/Chinese.

Suldog – I pretend my underwear is made out of Jell-O.

Granny - I daydream. Constantly!

Suldog – I never dream. As a matter of fact, I never sleep. I have nightmares when I’m awake, though. As a matter of fact, you're part of one right now.

Granny - I don't like meat.

Suldog – I eat nothing but aardvark noses.

Granny - I twiddle my thumbs.

Suldog – I twiddle my testicles.

Granny - I'm stubborn.

Suldog – I’m not stubborn, but I will refuse to admit that you’re right. If you want to argue that they’re the same thing, refer to the sentence previous to this one.

Granny - I eat too quickly.

Suldog – I’m still working on a breakfast burrito from 1985.

Granny - I am too shy.

Suldog – Oh, yeah? Well, I’m three shy. We’re talking about a full deck here, right?

Yup, she sure has me beat.

So, now I’m supposed to tag seven other poor suckers. OK. I tag Barrack Obama, The Dalai Lama, Charles Manson, Richard Branson, Andy Dick, Grace Slick, and Mister Ed.

Soon, with more better stuff. Not too tough of a promise today.


Michelle H. said...

*snicker-snicker* Twiddle. I knew masturbation would find it's way in this post. And what a great post it is!

MVD said...

Just make sure all that testicular twiddling doesn't send you on a one-way trip to intensive care. Unless, of course, your junk is brass.

Jinksy said...

Good job my hair is white already, or you may have turned it with this post...

Ruth and Glen said...

Thanks for the laughs !

Rosaria Williams said...

You are starting something all right, the non-response-response. Watch it, somebody is going to like this, and want more, and more. That's the rub.

Jeni said...

Just thinking here -if you ever decide to start another blog, you could always give it the name of The Testicle Twiddler, ya know.

Chris said...

Jesus, Suldog, you are brutal. Picking on a granny like this. But hey, she was warned fair and square I guess.

And now you've got me trying to twiddle my testicles. Thanks so much.

Anonymous said...

Granny surely did not know what she was doing, or else it is a psuedo-thingey from Lime...she'd do that in a heartbeat. Made me laugh anyway...hairy palms.

Marian Dean said...

Hands up Suldog, you suzzed me right and proper there.
Pimply I may be, but I don't twiddle my balls!

Love Granny

GreenJello said...

Shouldn't the testicle twiddling be in the masturbation meme?

Buck said...

I think Obama will probably respond on his web site, providing you sent him an e-mail, of course.

"Yes he can!"

endangered coffee said...

I was basically scared off facebook by all the damned tagged notes. Being OCD, I did a massively long 25 things foolishness that was entirely too long and was not so random. on the plus side, it did give me at least a dozen breakaways I can post as original-to-you blog entries.

oh yeah

and I'm twiddling my testicles

Reasons said...

Suldog, how did you know I'm really Barak Obama?

Lisa Johnson said...

Well, I'm sure that Obama will make sure to complete the meme by the end of the week.He seems to have a lot of time on his hands lately. He tagged me as a cousin on facebook! ; )

tshsmom said...

I'm happy to see that somebody came up with a good use for Jello! I imagine that Jello shorts make testicle twiddling easier. ;)

Suldog said...

Green Jello opined:

"Shouldn't the testicle twiddling be in the masturbation meme?"

Sounds like one of those specialty songs Danny Kaye used to do...

The testicles to twiddle
Are in the masturbation meme
The part left in the middle
Is the one that takes a pee-pee

Hilary said...

Poor Granny.. and jinsky. ;) You're too funny.

Gennasus said...

So I guess there's no point in me tagging you with the 'Forty things you REALLY don't want to know about me' meme?

Unknown said...

Aardvark nose is an underrated delicacy. I take it that's what is in the burrito?

You know Andy Dick would probably actually do this if he ambled his way over here.

Saz said...

andy dick, is that an anagram?

Just keep it up to that kinda stanard and l'll send you one too!

Andrea said...

So freakin' hilarious!!! I hope more people tag you so I can enjoy the rant!!! :)

Cath said...

You ... you ... twiddler you!

I hope you're going to post the answers to those whom you tagged here. Yes? Barack's should be good, and the others. :)

Angie Ledbetter said...

Ah, I pegged ya for a testi twiddler right off. :)

i beati said...

Just for fun I'm going to try it, poor granny and the abuse you give her..hahah

i beati said...

do you have a lot filed under the label masturbation?

lime said...

ok, i KNOW what you meant by twiddling testicles but my mind is just slightly warped and so i now have a mental image of them spinning round out round like a pair of thumbs. of course this is while you're wearing the jello undies so there is a considerable amount of churning going on.

right, ok, then...i'll be leaving.

Carolina said...


And very funny comments too. The testicle-twiddling proves to be a catchy pastime.

Oh, and I explained the Lapje-thing in the comments section of my blog.


A Woman Of No Importance said...

I would sure like to read Grace Slick's responses, although I'm not so sure she'd be that happy aabout your testicle twiddling in her presence, Suldog...