Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Whips, Arses, Thanks

I surrender.

I tried to stop cold turkey. I tried to kick the habit. Some of you, however, insist on my being as hooked as you are. You want me to drag my ass back here to tickle the keyboard and spew words onto the electronic page.

(Ew! That isn't a pretty picture at all!)

I've been able to ignore most of your entreaties to return, but this...

The Most Ridiculously Slimy Award Ever Given!

... just won't let me sleep until I say something.

You may remember a dope who calls herself Sweet Pea. A few months ago, she gave me an award. At that time, I took a whip to her bum (figuratively, as I'm wont to do, although I might literally want to do it, if I ever actually meet her) and the thing is, she thoroughly enjoyed it! So, in order to get me to spank her again, she gave me this:

Understand something, please. This is not one of those awards that sprout on the internet like a pus-filled boil on a wino's nether regions...

(Hmmmmmm. The imagery isn't getting any better. I'd bail, if I were you.)

... and which she then passed to me because she couldn't think of anyone better to torture. Nope. Some others have tried that trick, in an attempt to get me to return, but I was strong enough to thank them kindly in their comments sections and then go about my non-blogging business as happy as the proverbial clam (which begs the question of why clams are so damned happy, but we'll leave that for another day.) No, Sweet Pea invented this atrocity in her own diseased mind, specifically to award to ME. Nobody else has been given this award. Nobody else will ever be given this award, I assume.

Hooray for me.

(I have a theory about why clams are so happy, by the way. It's because they're not oysters.)

(Hey! Have you got a better theory? Shut up.)

So, we were talking about Sweet Pea. If you used one of the handy links above and went to her place, it should be clear to you that she wants me to slap her around a bit. She has literally asked me to figuratively do so. What sort of gentleman would I be if I didn't?

(Figuratively, of course. I'm not so sure I'm a literal gentleman, nor do I really hit women.)

(Unless they hit me first.)

(Or unless they ask me to hit them. So far, nobody of the female persuasion has asked me to hit her. I suppose the possibility exists that it could happen, though, so should you desire to have yourself slapped around, just let me know and I'll try to clear some time with MY WIFE. Maybe she'll even join in. She probably wouldn't like the idea of some other bimbo making time with her husband.)

(Hmmmmmmm. That sounds as though I'm calling MY WIFE a bimbo. I don't think I worded that very well. Ah, screw it. I can't possibly word it in a way that would make her happy when I'm talking about putting a whip to some woman's ass.)

(Or, in this case, arse. She IS from the U.K.)

(Sweet Pea, I mean. MY WIFE is from Duxbury, Jamaica Plain, Roslindale, and Beacon Hill. Yes, it took four different locales to make MY WIFE what she was when she met me, which is to say terribly confused, and that's why she was amenable to my blandishments, whatever in hell that means.)

Anyway, look at that photo.

(It's the only one available on her site, so far as I can tell, so I have no choice but to extrapolate upon it. Don't worry, though. I'll clean up afterward.)

I can only imagine that she's naked in the part of the photo we can't see, her butt sticking up in the air just waiting for the whip to crack across it.

(Well, maybe it's not the only thing you can imagine, but you're not me. Thank God for small favors.)

See that hint of anticipatory smile? Oh, yes.

(Obviously, somebody already popped her one in the eyes. You don't get shiners like those from bumping into a door, although that's probably what she told them at the National Health Service.)

You know, I said just about everything I could possibly say about her photo the last time I whipped her bum. And, if I keep on going on about beating her, some folks are going to think I mean it. I don't mean it. I don't get my kicks from that sort of stuff.

(At least, I don't think I do. I've never actually tried it. Maybe I'd enjoy tanning her English posterior. I'm pretty sure the Irishman in me would, anyway.)

(I bet you didn't know I had an Irishman in me. The son of a bitch has been trying to escape for about fifty years now, but the Hispanic, French, and Scot in me keep him in his place.)

(It's crowded in me.)

Anyway, never having actually tried slapping someone on the bum, I'm not certain if I'd like it or not. And I have no idea if she'd particularly enjoy it, either. But, if she would, and I denied her that pleasure, that would be sadistic on my part. What sort of a person would I be if I denied someone such painful pleasure? I'm so confused!

(But, hey, I don't even know if she has a butt. For all I know, her body ends at her shoulders, the poor kid! Maybe, in the same way that blind people sometimes develop amazing hearing to compensate for their loss of vision, Sweet Pea's blinkers have become so big because she has no lower body at all and, to make up for her lack of mobility, she has developed prehensile eyes that can reach out and grab stuff.)

Well, now, this is just getting weird. But not as weird as Sweet Pea! Did you know she was invited to the Royal Wedding? It's true. She couldn't go, though. She...

Hmmmmmmm. I could give you the punch line, but something just occurs to me. Now that I think of it, I'm not truly sure she IS from England. I've been laboring under that assumption (among other things I've been laboring under) but I can't find proof of it anywhere. I think I may have just built up this picture in my mind of a butt being whipped and just naturally associated it with the United Kingdom for some reason. Probably something to do with Eddie Bluelights.


Geez. Now that the possibility exists that Sweet Pea is from around here, that takes some of the thrill out of it. Well, at least for that Irishman in me. The Frenchman is still up for it, but he's always up for it. As Winnie Le Pooh says, "Zut Alors!"

This has deteriorated into something I wouldn't feed to my dog, if I had one. Hey, thanks a lot for telling people I'm hilarious, Sweet Pea. If I can ever do you a favor, like, say, severing your jugular, just let me know.

(If you want to make it up to me, you could pretend to be a young girl from England who wants her bum whipped. Send me photos.)

(No, wait! The Apocalypse is scheduled for this Saturday, and I'd better be on my best behavior. Tell you what... If we both get left behind, then you can send me the photos.)

(Photos of your left behind! Hah!)

Before I go, which I'm sure you're all wondering when that will be now, I'd like to thank the following people for taking the time to say nice things about me when I supposedly retired from blogging. They would be Knucklehead (if you go to his place, you'll find all sorts of deluded people bidding me a fond adieu, and there are links to their places, too. You could just go on and on and on with visiting the links, and maybe by the time you reach the end of the internet I'll be done here) and Expat From Hell (who wrote a poem and stuff, which he probably wishes now he had sent me some anthrax, instead.)

(There were others who wrote nice stuff, but there's nobody reading this damn thing by now, so probably no great loss if I don't mention you by name. Suffice to say, I love you, such as I'm able to express it.)

(Or even ground-ship it.)

Whatever this was, it is now done.

Well, except you should go HERE.

Soon, with more bugger stuff.


Brian Miller said...

really you had me at the title...there are a lot of people in me too...legions...i like clams too

haphazardlife said...

Ha! So you can't stay away - I knew it.

Unlike me. My problem is I want to blog but am dealing with a dearth of inspiration. Maybe I should just write a post abusing you.

- Jazz

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

Mussels are happier still. They don't get sand in their beds.

Funny how you inferred Sweet Pea is from Blighty.

Bruce Coltin said...

She looks like an angel.

Daryl said...

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is one vice I will never encourage you to quit... tho the end is near .. say goodbye to everyone on the 20th, the 21st well its apparently not happening ..

Would it not be insane if those nutters were right and it all ended .. like Lost?

Linda said...

So, this is what happens when you try to stop blogging sort-of-cold-turkey?

Please go back to your previous semi-regular spewing. Strangely enough I miss it.

Craig said...

Roses are red, violets are blue;
I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. . .

You remind me of the old joke about the sadist and a masochist:

Masochist: Beat me! Hit me! Hurt me!

Sadist: No.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Hey, glad to see a Sul-post! I figured some award-bearer would drag you out of retirement.

And look at that! You used an entire month's worth of parenthesis to make up for the time you lost!

Personally, I think Sweet Pea's kinda cute.

Fire Fox said...

There's no way a person with writing talents such as yours, would ever be able to keep quiet. Grin. Thank God for small favors.

sweet pea. said...

hahaha. okay. i think im good for a little while now. haha.
i knew you wouldnt be able to ignore it
and all the parentheses were a good touch =P

messymimi said...

Worth every minute i spent standing at my computer.

Clams are probably happy because, being clams, they don't have to listen to each other talk, every one if them is always clammed up.

Michelle H. said...

Wow, I've never read this much of a dissertation about asses since... I don't know when. Glad to read your usual vitriol, of course. As for clams, they don't have the mussels to stretch to intimidate anyone from not calling them happy, which is why they commit mass suicide at clam bakes. They are so misunderstood.

I guess my comment made as much sense as your post ;)

Red Hamster said...

It's crowded in me.
It certainly seemed that you had a lot to get out of you -- feel better now?

I don't know any one else who could discuss whips on arses, and get grateful thank-you's all round, including from Sweet Pea, the object of your verbal whipping. Don't you just amaze yourself at the power you have over us?

Saz said...

all I can say Jim is 'thank fuck for that!!!!!'


saz x

mucho luv

Maggie May said...

Glad to see you back even if the post is all about whacking bums!

I can remember the post about your Mum from before but enjoyed reading it again.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Moannie said...

I should have known an AWARD would get you back..had I remembered how they stirred you up I would have thought one up for you.

Thank you Sweetie Pie. We all owe you one.

Hilary said...

Glad to see you back in such fine form. :)

"(I have a theory about why clams are so happy, by the way. It's because they're not oysters.)

(Hey! Have you got a better theory? Shut up.)"

I do.. .it's because they're usually baked.

Buck said...

(Or unless they ask me to hit them. ...

So now I have this Warren Zevon song running through my head. Thanks, Jim. One of these days...

lime said...

gees, you went cold turkey and took the rest of us with you. i had the jitters, and hallucinations, and toe cramps and nostril twitching, and excessive navel lint, and profuse earlobe sweating. my fingernails started to curl too. i think i might be alright now because i've had 3 doses of suldog in the last several days. i guess i owe sweet pea a gratitude of debt. if she is assless i could share some of mine.

Lori said...

LOL...you are too funny...I so enjoyed this...very well deserved award. :) Thanks for the laugh...good medicine.

Quirkyloon said...

Yay! He's back!

And the only thing that made up award graphic is missing is a baseball bat.

I wanted to take one to mine after trying to read your last post!

heh heh heh

i beati said...

Sweet pea is only a figment of your imagination- hahah

Clare Dunn said...

So there I was, at the end of your post, and didn't see my name mentioned as one who 'said nice things'. I am crushed.

At least you love me as part of 'The Collective'.

xoxoxo, cd

Shammickite said...

I was wondering how long it would take before the blogger itch got you scratching again. So it turns out that it took a SweetPea from goodness knows where to persuade you..... well, Sully, it's good to see the craziness is back.

Clare Dunn said...

Sully, thank you...
The painting now has a name!
(no shite...check it out!)

xoxoxo, cd

Judi FitzPatrick said...

Sorry I haven't been around, didn't realize you had retired from blogging. ;-(
This hilarity only proves how well-deserved the current award; hope to read more stuff, bugger or otherwise, very soon.
Laughingly in peace, Judi

Suldog said...

OK, this is too good. Everybody should go here...


I mean it. EVERYBODY.

Jeni said...

Will ya just look at all those lovely and very welcoming comments, Man!???? With popularity like that, you can't possibly retreat into a non-blogging reclusive life again now, can you? I hope not anyway!
So good to read your words of butt-whipping and such.

Mich said...

I thought you'd gone very quiet...

Why would you quit blogging!? I mean where else could I laugh at puss-filled boils?

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Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

The day you "retired" (a term I use in air quotes of course) I thought to myself there were only a few things that could get you back and posting again:
1. The Celtics win the big game (sorry they lost btw, and I have no idea what its called because I just don't know jack about basketball)
2. Your female blog followers finally sent you those naked pictures you've been asking for the past handful of years
3. Someone lured you into the daylight with an award.

Gotta say, selfishly, I'm pretty glad it was 3.

The Broad said...

I'm absolutely breathless now ...

Absolut Ruiness said...

Welcome back Sully! Great to see you...but im in a dillemma now! I still have atleast 2 whole years of your blog to go through and if you start writing the way you have been il never be able to read "LIVE" (for lack of a better word). but thats a small price to pay for you sheer awesomeness. Wish me luck in having the self control to hold myself from reading what you have published today before iv gone through all your previous posts (obviously i failed today).

Julie said...

wow ... maybe you should give the whole threesome with spanking a go ... well there's not much else i can say after wading through that post.

Well other than it was funny ...

welcome back ...