Thursday, May 19, 2011

Suldog's Handy Hints For The Apocalypse!

As a Christian, I...

No, I need to rephrase that.

As a sane Christian, I feel it is my duty to tell you that The Apocalypse probably won't happen this coming Saturday. There are a number of folks without many of their marbles who believe that May 21st is the end of the world. When the world doesn't end at 6:00 pm this Saturday, the rest of us Christians will have to endure the world at-large giving us a big middle finger because of the few who have little brain. So, if we're all still here at 6:01pm, I'd appreciate it if you'd cut the rest of us some slack.

However, just because somebody has performed math from the eighth dimension and determined we have only two days left, that doesn't mean it definitely won't happen. The possibility exists. It could happen while you're reading this, or it could happen a couple million years from now. It might be Saturday. Who knows? So, since our imminent doom actually could be imminent, here are some tips to help you get drafted by God in the first round instead of becoming a left behind free agent. I'll also give you a few helpful suggestions should you follow these tips and still be among those NOT raptured.


1 - Read The Bible And Pray

I suppose this seems rather obvious. If you had been doing this already, though, it stands to reason you wouldn't be reading me. I mean, if a Catholic priest listens to your confession, and you tell him, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been two weeks since my last confession. I missed mass, I took The Lord's name in vain twice, and I enjoyed reading Suldog's What I Learned In High School", he won't bother giving you two Hail Marys and three Our Fathers. He'll excommunicate your ass on the spot (and call you a no-good twisted son of a bitch, to boot.)

Since time is limited, I'd suggest The Gospel Of Mark. It's the shortest one. Of course, if Saturday is the end of the world, you don't have to pay any attention to the part that reads...

"No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father."

... because, hey, Harold Camping will have proven that wrong. Or, if it isn't wrong, it would mean that Harold Camping is God, in which case I'm very doomed.

2 - Stay Dressed

Do you want to stand before Jesus, to be judged for all eternity, in your birthday suit? Of course not. If you did want to, then you'd be guilty of pride, and we all know what that goes before. Anyway, even the worst criminals in the world wear a nice suit when they're going on trial, so you should probably dress for the occasion. I'd suggest at least business casual.

It should go without saying that being in the middle of sex (or, even worse, in the middle of sex with yourself) would be a tremendous breach of etiquette.

3 - Watch Your Language!

If you toss off a "Jesus Christ God Damn It!" at 5:59, you might be in deep doo-doo a minute later. Play it smart. If you're a clumsy type, don't be hammering any nails. If you're a democrat, watching FOX News probably isn't a good idea. If republican, avoid CNN.

(Actually, I don't know that either democrats or republicans can do anything to save themselves at this point. My personal belief is that Heaven will be full of non-partisans and minor party members, while the Dems and Reps will be drafting zoning laws in Hell, but the track record of Libertarians being among the elect is rather anemic, so history may be against me on this one.)

4 - If Your Parents Ask You To Do Something, You Probably Should

Unless, of course, they ask you to curse, steal, lie, kill someone, or do anything else that contradicts one of the other commandments, in which case you can tell them to go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut. Or, now that I think of it, you could politely point out the error of their ways and hope that they, too, will be saved. Yeah, that's probably better all around. Go with that.

5 - Don't Kill Anyone

Unless it's The Anti-Christ. I think it's OK to croak him. If you kill someone else, however, just because you thought he might be The Anti-Christ, and it turns out he wasn't really The Anti-Christ, you're screwed. Best to leave the killing to God. Why get your hands dirty taking a chance you don't need to take?

6 - Quit Coveting Stuff!

That especially goes for your neighbor's wife. Yeah, I know she's hot, and she gave you a wink over the taco dip at that block party last summer, but we're talking an eternity of burning and maybe dripping pus-filled sores. Also, you might go to Hell.

7 - Don't Witness Any False Bears

Teddies are cute, but it says so in Deuteronomy, so...

Oh, wait a minute. Don't bear false witness? That makes more sense. No lying, then (which is why the Democrats and Republicans are in trouble, but I digress.)

8 - For Goodness Sakes, Get Rid Of Your Buddhas & Ganeshes & Other Bogus Gods

This isn't self-explanatory? Christ!


Finally, a tip given me by my good buddy, Daryl.

9 - Stock Up On Air Freshener

One of the things that's supposed to happen is a great earthquake that will be so enormous it will open up every grave on Earth and throw the contents of said graves out onto the ground. P-U! You'd better have some Glade handy, just in case you're one of those who's sticking around. Also, it might be a good idea to keep Fido indoors for a while, otherwise he might eat a relative.


1 - If You See Someone Riding A Cloud In Glory, Ask Who He Is

Hah! Tricked you! If you ask Him who He is, that's a dead giveaway (and I do mean a dead giveaway.) Just say, "Hi, Jesus! How's it hangin'?", and play it cool like you knew all along. If you see someone riding a regular cloud, without glory, feel free to ask him anything you like.

2 - Go To The Home Of The Holiest Rich Person You Know

That way, if he gets taken and you don't, you can have all his stuff!

3 - Have A Bite To Eat

What, you should starve just because the world is ending? Who knows how long it's going to be before your next meal? What with all of the bodies popping out of graves and whatnot, it's likely to get grody. The food supply might become contaminated pretty quickly. Fill up while you can. Just to be on the safe side of the dietary laws, though, you might want to skip the pulled pork and fried clams.


1 - Hide

If you're left behind, you know what? Everybody else who got left behind with you is either a liar, a thief, a murderer, or some other type of sinner. It probably won't be pleasant. I'd stay inside and watch Gilligan's Island re-runs or something. If you're lucky, maybe you can find a couple of adulterers to pass the time with.


I hope this has proven helpful. I rather doubt it. In any case, here's the best advice of all, and it's for real. If you live your life as though you expect Jesus to return at any moment, it couldn't hurt. Bake some cookies. I think He'd like that.

Soon (if we're all still here beyond the weekend) with more better stuff.


Bonnie Zieman, M.Ed. said...

Well done! But I am coveting ... I wish I had written this post it is SO good.

Cricket said...

Awesome! The 'Dog is back, with more better, if less frequent, stuff.

I knew that award would push you over the edge. Heh, heh.

And as it just so happens, I got a good deal on air freshener yesterday, so I'm all set there.

Perhaps a prayer to St Mary Magdalene might be in order... maybe she can intercede and, y'know... explain about the neighbor's wife. I mean, a whole bunch of #9s is better than one #7, right? Right?!?

Jazz said...

Wait a second, wasn't the end of the world supposed to be December 12, 2012? Have I been cheated out of a whole year and a half?

Had I known I wouldn't have paid for those renos... Damn.

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

I whole heartedly applaud your use of the word 'grody'. Might as well go old school if we're all going down anyway. What really sucks is we just did a week's worth of grocery shopping. Damn, had I known I would've saved the money and gone to Cancun instead.

Michelle H. said...

All I'm imagining is the end of the world and being in my birthday suit during the rapture. Or worse, sitting on the toilet doing a number 2.

By-and-by, I once read a story about the coming end. God sent down large beings on strings, sort of like marionettes, and whoever got saved was pulled up to heaven. If the marionette wrapped its arms around you and you weren't one of the "saved," you burnt up right on the spot. Fascinating piece of short fiction...

Glen said...

What kind of cooky do you think he's like - fruit or chocolate?

Craig said...

Wait a minute. . . You made all like, 'I'm goin' away, 'cuz I got nothing left for blogging'. . . and then you put THIS up? Dude, that is some SERIOUS sandbagging. . .

This is a GREAT post. Especially the citation from Mark. And the last paragraph.

But. . . you know, I look around me, and all I've ever seen, MY WHOLE LIFE, is sinners (even when I look in the mirror) (which, I suppose, is marginally better than looking in the mirror and seeing nothing at all, if you know what I mean). So, you know, maybe those folks who said the world was gonna end in 1914 were right, and we're all just screwed anyways. . .

And speaking of being screwed, I'm pretty sure you're wrong about the whole having-sex-when-the-Rapture-happens. I mean, 'be fruitful and multiply' (which is my wife's and my motto; we even had it embroidered into her bridal veil) (in case anybody is wondering - NO, NOT REALLY!), and all that. But I'm pretty sure you don't want to be having sex with your neighbor's wife when it happens. . .

Jeni said...

First off, have to say your way with words always amazes and usually amuses me too and this piece is no exception in that respect. Second -I am thinking here that with my daughter's decision today of changes she wants to initiate, the end of the world may actually take place sometime today -in my house -because she wants us -herself, me, her boyfriend too -to stop smoking in the house and then, to carry that step further in that we all try to stop smoking. Well, you know now why I said the EOW may take place in my house today -or at least by 6 p.m. Saturday -if we go through with this plan. I know we SHOULD do this but sheesh, just hate to give up such an old friend -nicotine -ya know. (Especially since I just bought two cartons of the sticks yesterday and we all know those are non-returnable, non-refundable entities! And I have Scottish ancestry so you know too what that means, don't you?) Peace! Waiting for the Rapture. (cough, cough -no pun intended there.)

Sandy Kessler said...

The one good thing this Camping does is remind us in semi broad strokes are we living right?"No one knows about the day or the hour,not even the angels in heaven , nor the Son, but only the Father

Anonymous said...

Ha! This is hilarious! Or should that be holarious?

And thanks for the warning about eating: cheesecake here I come!

hee hee

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

This gives a whole new meaning to the expression, "I'm going camping this weekend."

Hilary said...

Bah.. we already experienced the end of the world when you stopped blogging. And thankfully, even that didn't last.

Daryl said...

I am so so glad you havent left the blogging world .. tomorrow you must read my tribute to the end of days ..

GreenJello said...

"Also, you might go to Hell."

Heeheeheeheehee! Best line. :)

Anonymous said...

End of the World huh? Well, better get this off my chest now.....

You are quite simply the sexiest man that ever graced a softball uniform

There...Wow - that felt really good to say.

Suldog said...

Wow. Thanks, Fred.

(Actually, I have no idea if you're a man or a woman, but the compliment is enjoyed, either way. However, don't follow up on it unless you're a woman, OK? :-) )

Buck said...

8 - For Goodness Sakes, Get Rid Of Your Buddhas & Ganeshes & Other Bogus Gods

This isn't self-explanatory? Christ!

Wait jes a damned (heh) minute, Bud. Whose gods are you calling FALSE? You've got SOME nerve, Fish-Eater.

Rants aside, this "end o' the world" stuff presents a small existential crisis for us Buddhists. Is it only YOUR world that's ending, Christer? Or is it the whole ball o' wax? If it's the whole ball o' wax, what will we be reincarnated as, and where? Will everything start over? I only have a lil over 48 hrs to think about this and time's a wastin'... so I better light off some incense and get started.

(insert smiley-face thingie here, if'n ya hadn't guessed)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the smile - really good advice, especially the "No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." reminder!

Chris said...

Okay, who had "Mid May" in the "When's Suldog Gonna Start Blogging Again" pool?

I'm half hoping the world DOES end on Saturday. It's been a shitty week.

Lisa Johnson said...

I guess I'm covered, because I can bake some cookies. Too bad I witnessed a false bear! ; )

Unspoken said...

Oh my gosh! This made me laugh out loud. I liked your after the end advice. HILARIOUS.

messymimi said...

As a Christian who doesn't so much claim to be sane as just generally nuts but not clinically nuts (no meds needed), i agree with you.

On my blog, you've inspired me to tell a funny story that happened to my Brother-in-Law, The Mouth. It has to do, sort of, with the rapture.

lime said...

and to think...i could have scheduled my kid's wisdom teeth extraction for next week and we'd all have been spared because by next week we'll be floating along on a cloud.

when camping is proved a looney i wonder if he'll go mayan on us and go on with their date of armageddon.

Claudya Martinez said...

My birthday is on Friday maybe I'll get some air freshener as a gift.

Thank you for all these tips. I feel so much better prepared. To think I was going to have a naked Saturday, but really I don't want to meet my maker and seem prideful.

Sueann said...

Since my time is short and I have so many things to do...and you have added to my list! Thanks for that!!
I will only say!!!!!!........
WEll DONE!!!
You totally had me laughing my head off here

Suldog said...


If I believed in your pot-bellied deity, I'd try to come up with an answer for you. He had some pithy sayings, and I do rather like the idea of a deity who looks as though he guzzles beer and scarfs down pizza all day, but I'm sorry. He ain't it.

If you come back as anything, though, I suspect it will be as hops. That should make you very happy, unless you're being punished for past sins, in which case you'll end up in some Budweiser and then become the end product of some lowlife in Flint. Me? I'd probably come back as a softball. I'd rather be a bat, but I'll take what I can get.

I'm smiling, too, of course.

Clare Dunn said...

Most likely, I'll get drafted in a later round and wind up in the Minors for eternity.

(...wondering if my car has enough gas in it to get to Pawtucket tomorrow)

omgomgomg, cd

Craig said...

Ah, a Flint joke. How charming. . . (unless, you know, you've ever actually been to Flint). . . (And if you really wanted to go all-in with the 'low-life Michigan' jokes, it should be Stroh's. . .)

And I gotcher game - you just like the phallic imagery of the bat. . .

If I Were God... said...

Glad you came out of retirement for THE RAPTURE! You sound like you're mostly prepared, but do you have A RAPTURE KIT?

If anybody needs one, I have extras, just come on by.

(Don't worry Sully, I've saved one for you and Knucklehead, but you may have to share)

Suldog said...

Craig - Since I own every record ever made by Grand Funk, I feel I'm entitled to make a Flint joke here or there. Anyway, I was just trying to add some known color to my reply to Buck, a former Detroit denizen. No offense intended to nice people from Michigan :-)

Suldog said...

Dear God (NOT) - Thank you very much. If I get there first, screw Knucklehead.

Chuck said...

Always good to see you posting, Jim. I got a laugh over witnessing false bears. That joke was truly unbearable.

Buck said...

Heh. What Craig said.

Duncan D. Horne - the Kuantan blogger said...

We came across some wild Christians a month or two back who also said May 21st will be the end. See you on Sunday!

Duncan In Kuantan

Mariann Simms said...

I like this part best:

2 - Go To The Home Of The Holiest Rich Person You Know

That way, if he gets taken and you don't, you can have all his stuff!

I like stuff. :)

Mich said...

I feel like this should be a pamphlet, in neon colours and distributed worldwide.

Maggie May said...

You really are a scream!!!! Just in case you don't know what that expression means....... it is another way of saying........ very funny!

I don't suppose that there is any more chance of The Rapture happening today than any other day! However, if it does, lets hope I meet up with you sitting on a cloud!
Phew! Only a few hours to go.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Craig said...

I just realized I have tickets to a 7PM baseball game tonight.

Da. . .ng it!

Oh, wait! The world ends at 6PM in what time zone?!? Yeah. . . that's the ticket! Maybe it's, like Alaska Time, or something.

Or maybe, you know, it'll be like that Y2K stuff, and the world will end progressively, one time zone at a time. So, call your friends in the UK just after 1:00 this afternoon, and if they don't answer, you'll know it's ON!

CiCi said...

Your blog posts are almost always helpful. Even if it isn't good advice, it is a good read.

Kathleen said...

Just in case your world ends at 6 pm, which will be 5 pm in Minnesota, I want to make sure you know this, Suldog: "I ADORE YOU!!!"

Kathleen said...

And . . . just in case, the prognosticators are off a bit, I was wondering if you still plan to give me the "scrameroo"? I have, after all, posted several times this month? Just curious.

Ericka said...

you know, i totally got my end-of-the-world scenarios mixed up and kept telling people that it was NEXT year.

turns out? the mayans knew NOTHING about the rapture. and neither do i.

glad to "see" you! said...

Great advice, Suldog. I'll post this on my refrigerator for when the next scheduled rapture rolls around.

High Power Rocketry said...

: )

Pat - Arkansas said...

Shoot! I guess I got 'left behind,' because I'm still here this morning!

Pam said...

I didn't think you could stay away, glad you're back! Hopefully, Harold Camping will be retiring now from "prophetizing!"

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip said...

So I called my friend in England and nobody answered.

My first reaction was uh,oh!

Then I remembered he and his wife,she who must be obeyed, have hopped over to France to restock their wine cellar.

I just can't help but think how disappointing this must be for all those folks who now realize they're going to have to go to work again tomorrow.

Shammickite said...

I'm still here.
Not even a flash of lightning or even a teeny tinmy little earthquake.
No choirs of angels.
And it was a lovely sunny day too. I'd have hated to miss the first day without rain for a couple of weeks.
So it's just as well it didn't happen.
Oh well, maybe next time.

Lora said...

I don't know any holy rich people! In fact, my list of holy people period is rather short. Good thing it seems I have some time to work on this issue! lol