Friday, February 18, 2011

Back In The Saddle?



Yes. I'm back in the saddle atop the venomous and reprehensible horse known as Suldog Accepting An Award.



(The horse pic comes from HERE. I went to Google, typed in "ugly horse", and it showed up. I'm rather pleased. His teeth resemble what mine used to look like before I got my implants.)

I know I told you I wasn't going to have anything else for you this week, but I lied. You should be used to that by now. The reason for my returning is that I have been given an award.

Some of you know what's coming. Many of you have no clue. That's because you're new here. You've been around for a couple or three weeks, seen some posts detailing my ridiculously compassionate side, and you think I'm something other than what I am, which is emotionally bifurcated.

(Damn. That's a swell word. I should get paid extra for dragging something like that out of my brainpan, especially since I don't get paid at all. Do you have any idea how much masking tape I have to wrap around my skull each day to keep double-jointed words like that from escaping? It adds up.)

Anyhow, it would behoove some of you, especially if you're an ugly horse...

(I'm not going to finish that sentence. It started off as a pun, but degenerated into nonsense. I don't care. I'm here to deliver the bile, not get an A in English.)

What in the FUCK am I talking about? Who knows? In any case, go HERE. Or HERE. Or HERE. Read. Understand what lurks in the murky depths of my malformed and putrid soul. Sure, I save mice and give them cookies, but I have no pity for those who mistakenly assume that I'm worthy of an accolade. Or a lemonade.

What brought about this latest attack of gas? Some character named Sweet Pea gave me an award. I was sort of thrilled at first. I didn't know Popeye's nephew liked my stuff!



(I've always assumed he was Popeye's nephew. MY WIFE thinks he's Popeye's bastard child from a previous marriage, and Olive Oyl is very kind to put up with him. You can think whatever you want. I just threw it in here because what other obvious joke comes to mind when you're talking about somebody who actually calls herself Sweet Pea? I mean, unless you want to deliberately misspell the second part of it and go the scatological route, which I won't unless things get truly desperate later on.)

[The Popeye & Sweepea image comes from HERE, which is more than you can say for me. As a matter of fact, you can watch whole cartoons over there! Yay! All things taken into consideration, there's no reason for you to be here when you could be there. I've lost any respect I had for you, which isn't saying much.]

Back to the subject at hand, as if there is one. Turns out this Sweet Pea apparition is a woman. Not too bad of a looker, either...



... if you don't mind eyes like Uncle Fester on meth.

I kid, I kid. They're lovely eyes. A tad heavy on the eyeshadow, but otherwise acceptable for any Alice Cooper impersonator.



How many of you hate me now and have gone away? Raise your hands.

Hah! Trick question! If you had left, you wouldn't be able to read that sentence. Put your hand down, you dope. Anyway, I really was kidding. She has gorgeous eyes. And I told her what an a-hole I would be. Go to her place and read the comments. She gave me permission! What a maroon!

So, anyway, this lovely woman gave me this altogether undeserved award:



Near as I can figure out, she thinks I'm versatile. I say "near as I can figure out" because, well, have you seen her site? I gave you the chance to click over to it earlier, but you probably didn't. Here's another opportunity. Go THERE.

Are you back? Well, of course you are. Or you didn't leave at all. Whatever. I'm trying to make jokes here and I expect you to hold up your end. God knows your girdle doesn't.

Despite the non-sequitur above, I'm going to be 54 in a week or so. What does that have to do with the price of tea in China? What does ANYTHING have to do with the price of tea in China? Who in hell came up with the idea that that should be the rhetorical question of choice? Anyway, I can't read a damn thing over at Sweet Pea's place without a magnifying glass. Do they make fonts any smaller than that? Not that I'd have any idea if they did, because anything smaller than that would be invisible. From what I've been able to gather between splitting headaches, I'm supposed to link to her (which I've done in my own inimitable way), tell some stuff about myself (which I'll do because I'm as full of myself as I ever was) and then inflict this web-based gonorrhea on a bunch of other poor saps (which means you, so if you didn't leave before, now you're screwed.)

Here's some stuff about me that's about as real as anything else on the internet:

1 - My actual name used to be Jigglebutt A. Skolinsky. I changed it for tax purposes.

2 - I live in a cheese garden.

3 - My favorite color is soiled.

4 - Every morning, I have mildew for breakfast. It's quite good smothered in onions.

5 - Everything up to this point has been a lie. Everything beyond this point is the truth.

6 - The previous sentence is a lie.

7 - The previous sentence is the truth.

8 - I love you.

And now, just to drive that point home, here's where I give this astonishingly insincere gewgaw to some of you and task you with giving it to other folks until everybody has it and we can all go to bed none the wiser for our experience here. If your name is mentioned below, that proves it.

Growing Up In Waldron

In The Wheel

My Life As Jane

So F*cking Fabulous I Piss Glitter

Uncle Skip

And, wot the hell, let's have someone from outside of the United States...

Fab, Feisty, & Fifty

(All of these people have interesting things to say. Whether they'll be saying any of them at the time you click over to them, I haven't a clue. If you weren't chosen, and you feel that I've somehow slighted you, the only conclusion I can come to is that your reading comprehension skills suck.)

Let's see... Anything else I can add to this pile of glop to make your visit here today worthwhile?

I suppose this will do...



And you thought I was kidding about me having had the same teeth as that horse at one point in my life. Neigh!

Soon, with more better stuff.


47 comments:

Teacher's Pet said...

Happy almost birthday. (What else am I going to say after reading this post? :)) Except....How did you know about my girdle?)
Smiles,
Jackie

I'm Jane said...

Bloody hell. Now I'll need to find a thesaurus in order to write a response.

Um, thanks?

Red Hamster said...

I've got to stop reading you while sipping hot tea at lunchtime; it hurts to snort hot tea out my nose.

Thanks for the award, haha. I figure you're giving me an award for being one of the few readers who hasn't given you an award...which I never would have, because I can see from reading your blog how much you appreciate awards.

Good Lord - those were really your teeth?! You poor dear - no wonder you got implants. I'm sure YOUR WIFE appreciates your implants too...I mean the teeth ones...for better kissing...oh never mind...

Uncle Skip, said...

OMGWTFBBQ!!!
If you will remember that far back, Jim, the last time you included me in one of these things the Department of Something or Other blocked my post.
I know what a bifurcation is without looking it up because I have probably spent at least as much time at the dentist as you.
Meanwhile I will attempt, over the weekend to make you wish you'd picked someone else.

Thank goodness it's a long weekend.

Suldog said...

Hamster - Yup. Really my teeth. Hideous things. Getting implants was one of the best decisions of my life. If you really want the story - it's long and grody - go to Google and put in "Suldog teeth".

Bill Yates said...

Jim, you rock. Thanks so much for your encouragement and support! Your blog is the gold standard for the blogosphere. Now, I gotta go google "Suldog teeth"...

Apryl said...

Well thank you for passing on the accolade!

And you sure you're American with those choppers?

All hail cosmetic dentistry!

I jest, you too could piss glitter.

haphazardlife said...

I love when people give you awards. We deal with awards in much the same way...

Maybe that's why people don't give them to me anymore. They expect girls to be all gracious and shit.

- Jazz

Hilary said...

Hilarious as these award posts always are - in true Suldog style.

Sausage Fingers said...

Nice chopmpers and they say that brits have bad teeth
Cheers, Sausage...

Moannie said...

I wanted to warn the poor girl but then I thought nah! Let's all have some fun, and actually, you were quite sweet to her in as much as I don't think she will be crying...

So grateful you got those teeth fixed, Jim. XX

Eddie Bluelights said...

It's a welcome change to see someone else drinking your cup of venom LOL.
Oh! but you have forgotten I gave you an award a while ago!! Probably best forgotten!! LOL
I shall visit Sweet Pea and take a magnifying glass with me.

I've missed a few of your posts - checking them now.

Buck said...

Near as I can figure out, she thinks I'm versatile.

I'm actually amazed you didn't recognize the double-entendre potential in that statement. With ALL due respect: you're slipping, Gentle Suldog.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Wait, when's your birthday? Mine's next week too, the 22nd. Have we not discovered this up until now or am I a forgetful idiot?

Or both?

messymimi said...

If i didn't have the most boring blog in the world, i'd make up an award for you just to get you to post more hilarity.

Then again, that's more trouble than a boring blogger can go to, so never mind. Just continue being funny for other reasons.

i beati said...

I went riding today

lime said...

so about the mildew...do you go for the all natural or the highly processed mildew?

sweet pea. said...

HAhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha you have noooooooo idea how much i laughed while reading this. soooo much. hahahahahahahahahahahaha. when i saw the picture of the guy you compared me to, i bust out laughing. i almost fell off the couch, i was laughing so hard!!!!!
and i think i might have been the first person to read this post =)
i just couldn't comment right away =(

this is hilarious. hahahhaha. i might have to save it, even =D

sweet pea. said...

and by the way, they actually do make fonts smaller than that. the only reason i dont use it is because even i wouldnt be able to read it......

Mich said...

Oh my goodness, you crack me up! And most days I need it, so thanks. <3

The Broad said...

Goodness! Gracious! Me! What an accolade. Congratulations ...

slommler said...

I agree...snorting tea through the nose is painful!!! Ha!! Congrats!!
Thanks so much...I needed this
Hugs
SueAnn

Shrinky said...

Um, so it's true what coke does to the teeth, then? (What? I'm only asking..) Aww, nice to see you aren't always all tender and fluffy ALL of the time, I was starting to worry..!

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

I must've blinked or something. I thought there weren't gonna be any more posts this week. But I see somebody went and kicked the hornets nest and stirred things up. That almost always makes life exciting.
Thanks, Jimmy boy, for pointing out the award I gave you. The rest of your readers should thank me, too... really. You should be truly grateful that there weren't any special requirements for accepting it... other than being your own true self.

Angela Christensen said...

This post resolves once and for all any doubt I may have had on this topic for all time: you DO have a gift for bifurcation, my friend.
A treat, as usual.

Jeni said...

Just those two little lines "The previous line was a lie" and "The previous line was the truth" -or is it the next line is a lie or the truth -whatever -shows how versatile you are. More people should give you awards because it really brings out how multi-talented you are.

Carolina said...

That horse has nice white teeth actually. You should see Naloma's. It would be a close contest between her current and your previous biters if there were prizes for the ugliest. And if a child is the product of a (previous) marriage it isn't a bastard, is it?

That poor almost 19 year young (yep, got my glasses out and zoomed in to about 400%) innocent girl. Her life will never be the same again and she'll probably think twice before putting on her make-up ;-)
She does have beautiful eyes though.

Congrats on your award. I thought the award-giving hype had passed. Or is it just me who doesn't get them anymore. I'm bitter ;-)

sweet pea. said...

carolina: im not too scarred =P
i dont really wear makeup as it is.... only sometimes.
thank you for the compliment on my eyes =)
=) =)

Maggie May said...

I hate to say it but the horse has neater teeth!
I am exhausted by the way your post went from one thing to another! But the thing is..... it brings a smile to my lips. (Not showing teeth though as they are not as neat as yours!)
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Uncle Skip, said...

My acceptance will be up on Tuesday... because Monday is a holiday and that's a crying shame because George Washington deserves to have his own holiday after all he went through for his country... because I want Suldog to be one of the first to see it.
I can't spill the beans about to whom I am passing it along, but there are some who might guess who they are and one or two others I've spared.

Craig said...

Ah, yesss. . .

Alice Cooper, Pride of Detroit. . .

Dianaa said...

blog deserves appreciation to you my love and my pride

Gaston Studio said...

Congrats on your latest award Suldog, as you are indeed a versatile blogger.

Michelle H. said...

See, I believed you that the last post of the week was really the last post of the week, and I miss this post. Sigh, and you know how I like a good award rant. I'm going to have to give you an award just for evil purposes... or for your birthday. I haven't decided yet.

"Congrats"... or rather "I so pity you." Whichever fits the seething emotions you're feeling now, MLGF.

Clare Dunn said...

Remind me to NEVER give you an award...and to thank you for not passing this one on to me.

your friend...
xoxoxo, cd

Matt Conlon said...

No fair! I didn't turn my computer on at all last friday because you said you were done for the week, and sans suldog, there's no reason for the intarweb, imo.

Now I'm like, 20 minutes behind schedule.

...dodged an award bullet though, so things could have been worse.

Happy early birthday. Going to the Tahiti??

Eddie said...

WHERE'S MY AWARD????

Stu said...

"My favorite color is soiled." - Sincerely, I laughed out loud. Comedy gold. I may steal it.

nick said...

Call 1-800-dentures

Uncle Skip, said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Uncle Skip, said...

@ Matt Conlon - Your award is here.

Okay, that fixed it.

Saz said...

Jim!!

I AM AS CHUFFED AS CAN BE .....as l know how you usually react to awards, you are a real softy here...bless yo

you are a sweetie!


xxxxx

nick said...

Oh yes, and Happy Presidents Pets Day - the day after Presidents Day, as I like to call it. In the US, we love our presidents..... pets. See my blog if you’re in the mood for a good ol' irreverent howl.

rhymeswithplague said...

I don't come here very often, but I came because Carolina (the one in Nederland) linked to you. Of course I'm howling with all the other readers (we do that, you know), but the reason I am commenting is that I wanted to tell you that I too know what bifurcated means because I used to work for AT&T.

Bill Yates said...

http://growingupinwaldron.blogspot.com/2011/02/award-from-suldog.html

Barbara Shallue said...

Oh my gosh, I'm so glad you said something about the font on Sweet Pea's site. I was really worried about my eyes. Now I know it's just that 50s thing. (Oh, and congrats on the award and the dental implants! No happy birthdays yet from me - you have to wait until March.)

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Crazy, but beautiful, as ever, Suldog! :) xxx