Friday, February 18, 2011
Yes. I'm back in the saddle atop the venomous and reprehensible horse known as Suldog Accepting An Award.
(The horse pic comes from HERE. I went to Google, typed in "ugly horse", and it showed up. I'm rather pleased. His teeth resemble what mine used to look like before I got my implants.)
I know I told you I wasn't going to have anything else for you this week, but I lied. You should be used to that by now. The reason for my returning is that I have been given an award.
Some of you know what's coming. Many of you have no clue. That's because you're new here. You've been around for a couple or three weeks, seen some posts detailing my ridiculously compassionate side, and you think I'm something other than what I am, which is emotionally bifurcated.
(Damn. That's a swell word. I should get paid extra for dragging something like that out of my brainpan, especially since I don't get paid at all. Do you have any idea how much masking tape I have to wrap around my skull each day to keep double-jointed words like that from escaping? It adds up.)
Anyhow, it would behoove some of you, especially if you're an ugly horse...
(I'm not going to finish that sentence. It started off as a pun, but degenerated into nonsense. I don't care. I'm here to deliver the bile, not get an A in English.)
What in the FUCK am I talking about? Who knows? In any case, go HERE. Or HERE. Or HERE. Read. Understand what lurks in the murky depths of my malformed and putrid soul. Sure, I save mice and give them cookies, but I have no pity for those who mistakenly assume that I'm worthy of an accolade. Or a lemonade.
What brought about this latest attack of gas? Some character named Sweet Pea gave me an award. I was sort of thrilled at first. I didn't know Popeye's nephew liked my stuff!
(I've always assumed he was Popeye's nephew. MY WIFE thinks he's Popeye's bastard child from a previous marriage, and Olive Oyl is very kind to put up with him. You can think whatever you want. I just threw it in here because what other obvious joke comes to mind when you're talking about somebody who actually calls herself Sweet Pea? I mean, unless you want to deliberately misspell the second part of it and go the scatological route, which I won't unless things get truly desperate later on.)
[The Popeye & Sweepea image comes from HERE, which is more than you can say for me. As a matter of fact, you can watch whole cartoons over there! Yay! All things taken into consideration, there's no reason for you to be here when you could be there. I've lost any respect I had for you, which isn't saying much.]
Back to the subject at hand, as if there is one. Turns out this Sweet Pea apparition is a woman. Not too bad of a looker, either...
... if you don't mind eyes like Uncle Fester on meth.
I kid, I kid. They're lovely eyes. A tad heavy on the eyeshadow, but otherwise acceptable for any Alice Cooper impersonator.
How many of you hate me now and have gone away? Raise your hands.
Hah! Trick question! If you had left, you wouldn't be able to read that sentence. Put your hand down, you dope. Anyway, I really was kidding. She has gorgeous eyes. And I told her what an a-hole I would be. Go to her place and read the comments. She gave me permission! What a maroon!
So, anyway, this lovely woman gave me this altogether undeserved award:
Near as I can figure out, she thinks I'm versatile. I say "near as I can figure out" because, well, have you seen her site? I gave you the chance to click over to it earlier, but you probably didn't. Here's another opportunity. Go THERE.
Are you back? Well, of course you are. Or you didn't leave at all. Whatever. I'm trying to make jokes here and I expect you to hold up your end. God knows your girdle doesn't.
Despite the non-sequitur above, I'm going to be 54 in a week or so. What does that have to do with the price of tea in China? What does ANYTHING have to do with the price of tea in China? Who in hell came up with the idea that that should be the rhetorical question of choice? Anyway, I can't read a damn thing over at Sweet Pea's place without a magnifying glass. Do they make fonts any smaller than that? Not that I'd have any idea if they did, because anything smaller than that would be invisible. From what I've been able to gather between splitting headaches, I'm supposed to link to her (which I've done in my own inimitable way), tell some stuff about myself (which I'll do because I'm as full of myself as I ever was) and then inflict this web-based gonorrhea on a bunch of other poor saps (which means you, so if you didn't leave before, now you're screwed.)
Here's some stuff about me that's about as real as anything else on the internet:
1 - My actual name used to be Jigglebutt A. Skolinsky. I changed it for tax purposes.
2 - I live in a cheese garden.
3 - My favorite color is soiled.
4 - Every morning, I have mildew for breakfast. It's quite good smothered in onions.
5 - Everything up to this point has been a lie. Everything beyond this point is the truth.
6 - The previous sentence is a lie.
7 - The previous sentence is the truth.
8 - I love you.
And now, just to drive that point home, here's where I give this astonishingly insincere gewgaw to some of you and task you with giving it to other folks until everybody has it and we can all go to bed none the wiser for our experience here. If your name is mentioned below, that proves it.
Growing Up In Waldron
In The Wheel
My Life As Jane
So F*cking Fabulous I Piss Glitter
And, wot the hell, let's have someone from outside of the United States...
Fab, Feisty, & Fifty
(All of these people have interesting things to say. Whether they'll be saying any of them at the time you click over to them, I haven't a clue. If you weren't chosen, and you feel that I've somehow slighted you, the only conclusion I can come to is that your reading comprehension skills suck.)
Let's see... Anything else I can add to this pile of glop to make your visit here today worthwhile?
I suppose this will do...
And you thought I was kidding about me having had the same teeth as that horse at one point in my life. Neigh!
Soon, with more better stuff.