I've Made Up My Very Own Meme!

Every so often, someone tags me with a meme. When it happens, I both enjoy and abhor it (which is a pretty confusing trick, so I'll explain.)

I enjoy it because it's a compliment. The person who tagged me either likes me a lot, or thinks that what I'll have to say will be interesting, or possibly both. It also gives me a good option for filling blog space. I can natter on about nothing in particular, for a thousand words or so, with as much or as little detail as I desire. It's much easier than writing up an actual true story. When I do that, I have to get all the facts straight, record them in a linear fashion, and maybe even give attribution. An excuse to just make stuff up? I love it!

On the other hand, I abhor it because I always feel obligated to complete the task. As I've mentioned before, I hate being handed unasked-for obligations. And, if I decide not to do the meme, I feel guilty. I know that the person who tasked me with the completion of said meme was probably looking forward to reading my take on it.

So, having explained to you my position on the meme, I will now tell you that I've decided to make up one of my own. And I'm going to tag a bunch of you to do it, too.

Nope! Too late! You can't cut and run now. If you've read this far, you'll have to slog through the rest of it and take your chances on being named at the end. If you do run, you can't hide. Sooner or later, I'll be stopping by your place, looking for my meme, and if I don't see it... well, I'd just better; that's all I'm saying.

Here are the rules:

1 - On your blog, copy the following questions. Write out your responses to them.

(Did I really have to put in that second sentence? Probably not, but some of you might be stoned. It's hard for me to imagine another reason why you'd be here.)

2 - Give a link back to the blog you found this on. If you don't, Bill Gates will come to your house and take back all of that money you earned by forwarding his e-mails.

3 - Until such time as you get at least 20 comments, hop up and down while singing this little ditty which I've entitled "The Perverted Lifeguard Song":

I like women who like to go swimmin'
In nothin' but the skin that God gave 'em
And if they go under, it should be no wonder
I'll jump in the drink and I'll save 'em
There's nothing, you see, more a turn-on to me
Than a lady all wet, limp and breathless
I'll buy her some dinner and if she's a winner
I might even pay for her breakfast
Yum Tum Tiddly-Tum
I'm a perverted lifeguard!
Yum Tum Tickle Your Bum
I'm a perverted lifeguard!

If you're a woman, you don't have to sing it - unless you want to. However, you DO have to do the jumping up and down bit. Nude. And send me photos.

4 - I'm not kidding. Send me photos.

5 - Tag everybody on your sidebar. Tell them to send me photos, too.

6 - If any men send me photos, they'd better be damn good looking.

7 - No, skip that. Just don't even think about doing it. If you're a man and you send me a photo, I'll publish it.

8 - Oh, God, NO! I can just see all of the perverts stuffing photos of themselves into envelopes specifically because they'd get a rush out of seeing their junk published here. Stop reading. Go away.

9 - OK, now that they're gone, let me repeat: Ladies, I want nude photos of you jumping up and down. That's the only reason I'm making up this meme.

10 - I will NOT publish any photos I receive from ladies jumping up and down in the nude. As a matter of fact, I won't even tell anyone you sent them to me. Unless I don't get any at all. Then I'll make stuff up. So, at least one of you better send me some. Think of it as sacrificing yourself for the common good.

OK, here's the meme:

1 - How willing would you be to send naked photos of yourself to a relative stranger?

2 - If I absolutely positively guaranteed that the photos would never be seen by anyone but me, in the privacy of my bedroom, would that change your mind?

3 - What if I promised to burn them up after a reasonable length of time? Say, thirty years.

4 - I'd send you one of me in return, but the only person I have to shoot the shots is MY WIFE. I have a feeling she'd object.

5 - Yes, I'm going to let her read this. She'll probably call me a pig. In which case, if you don't send me any nude photos of yourself jumping up and down, I will have spoiled my marriage for no good reason. How much guilt can you handle? Send the photos!

6 - OK, now I'm not even doing a good job of keeping up the pretense that this is a meme. The last two questions weren't even questions. I suppose I'd better make up at least one legitimate question.

7 - What's your favorite flavor of giraffe?*

Now, here's who I'm tagging:

Everybody in the world, even if you don't have a blog (unless you're related to me - my name isn't Oedipus.) I would prefer that you not have a dick. And, now that I think of it, skip the jumping up and down part. It will only make things blurry. Oh, and you should be at least 18 years of age, too. I'm not looking to get caught up in any interstate kiddie porn stings. I'm just looking for a cheap thrill.

Soon, with... Oh, who the hell cares? Send the photos!

* Raspberry.