Where Was I?

The map above shows those United States that I've visited. I have also been in a state of euphoria, as well as a state of grief, but they aren't officially part of the union and thus were not available choices.

(Stu just gave me a big shout-out over at his place, telling people what a marvelous writer I am and how I have tremendous comedic chops. After the joke above, nobody will ever believe him again. He should probably just set fire to his blog and collect the insurance. It's the only way he has left to limit his losses.)

I got the map from a site called MyWorld66. However, instead of providing you a direct route there, I'm going to send you to DJ Big Mick. His site is where I found the link, so I figure it's only fair to toss him a few crumbs.

(That makes you the crumbs. Sorry! I'm such a heel. If I was making any dough off of this thing, I'd give you some; it would be the yeast I could do. I bet that would get a rise out of you!)

(Those are pretty rye jokes. Am I on a roll or what?)

(OK, I'll stop bragging. I don't want to get too carroway with myself.)

(It takes serious crust to make jokes like these. What can I say? I'm baked.)

(Hmmmmmmmm. I think I smell a blog burning. Hey, Stu! When you get the insurance dough, pumpernickel or two over my way.)

Now, DJ Big Mick is of the opinion that you have to have an overnight stay in a state for it to qualify as having been visited. I have a much easier and more logical rationale. I consider it visited if I left bodily fluids of some sort behind. So, if you live in one of the states I've "visited", watch your step!

(Here is where I planned on making disparaging [yet oh-so-witty] remarks concerning some of the states. However, after this piece of crap, I expect that quite a few readers will be abandoning ship. I don't want to piss off any more of you than I already have. As explained in the previous paragraph, though, I've already pissed on quite a few of you, so perhaps it's too late.)

There's little I can do at this point to make this have been a worthwhile trip for you, so I'll just stop.

("...make this have been a worthwhile trip for you, ..." is a painful construction. I truly struggled over that wording for a good five minutes, but that was still the best I could come up with. And there's a sentence ending in a preposition for your troubles. You're welcome.)

(Of course, the following is not only ungrammatical, but more than likely untrue, to boot.)

Soon, with more better stuff.

(I believe I just broke the indoor record for indiscriminate use of parentheses combined with bad puns and poor sentence composition. Woo [and further unto that] Hoo!)

(Come back tomorrow - if you dare - and I'll have a real, actual, honest-to-goodness true story for you. It involves my grandfather, a trolley, a big fish, an Irishman, Boston City Hospital, a lost penny, and the great depression. I could have told it to you today, but I felt like loafing.)