Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Some Asshat Gave Me An Award



In case you're new around here, I have to explain about me and awards. When someone gives me one, I accept it by saying all sorts of mean things about the person giving it to me, and I usually throw in a few unkind words about the award itself, too. Why? I'm not quite sure anymore. I suppose it's kind of like Britney Spears flashing her vajayjay. You just have to accept it as a fact of life.

Anyway, get a load of this...



That ridiculous bit of flummery was foisted upon me by Ivan Toblog.

Yeah.

Let me tell you something about my morning thus far. When I woke up, it was Bob Cousy outside, with a wind chill factor below Leon Powe. If you aren't a Celtics fan (Heathen!) that means 14 and 0, respectively. And that's Fahrenheit, pal, not the entirely less-accurate Centigrade scale some European weenies use. As a favor, I'll do the conversion for you:

0 Fahrenheit = Colder Than A Polar Bear's Ass Centigrade.

So, I put on my very warm winter jacket. Except, when I went to zip it up, I found out that the little thing you pull on to do up the zipper (what is that thing called?) had broken off and gone missing, so I had to insert a paper clip into the mechanism to make it work. The paper clip will remain there for the foreseeable future because I refuse to go into a coat repair shop and look like an idiot by asking them to fix it and having to refer to it as "that little dangly thing" because God only knows what they'll think I'm talking about. Instead, I'll look like an idiot who has a paper clip where his little dangly thing should be.

So, Ivan Toblog, you have given me an award. And, believe me, I'm as much in the mood to tear you a new one as I've ever been, even more so than THIS TIME, THIS TIME, THIS TIME, THIS TIME, THIS TIME, and possibly even THIS TIME. However, I'll have to tear you a limited one, Ivan, the reason being...

Well, here's the problem. He (I assume 'he', but he could be a she; who the hell knows on the intertubes?) has given me none of my usual targets. By using a pseudonym, he/she has given me no idea what nationality she/he might be, so I can't start throwing out random ethnic slurs. Too bad. I've got a whole bunch of good French ones left over from other times, so if he/it/she could have been be verified as a frog, that would have made it easy. He/she/it uses an avatar, rather than an actual photograph, so no material there. Yeah, I could say that the avatar looks as though its trying to pass an especially large and glass-strewn bowel movement, but it's too easy to pick on cartoons. Of course, I could just rag on the pen name itself. Ivan Toblog? Saint Francis on a unicycle! If I had made a joke that pitiful, I'd be ashamed to show my real face, too.

Anyway, it/she/he/they decided to get on the free links gravy train by awarding me an entirely bogus award. At least, that's the only possible reason I can come up with for it. Or maybe he/it/she/they just really like me a whole lot and felt like acknowledging me somehow? Nah, couldn't be that! Anyway, it's called the "One Of A Kind Award". I suppose they/her/he/it/y'all meant it as a compliment of some sort, but DUH! Everybody is one of a kind, even identical quadruplets. Don't believe me? Check out this rather sad story I'm using as my punch line just because I'm feeling mean enough today to do so. See? One of a kind!

Well, the bogus award worked for him/it/her/them/legion because I did give a link to Ivana Fahgyoo or whatever its/his/her/that millipede's actual name might be. It appears all you have to do to get a link from me is hand me some hideous little gimcrack gewgaw. Don't tell all the folks on my sidebar who paid me actual cash money to advertise, though. Shhhhhhhh!

And that's about all I've got for you today - a bit of a rant, a link to a sad oddity, and some entirely unnecessary denigration of a person who seems to like me. And I've given you all of this for no apparent reason. If you've come to expect more from your visits here, that's your problem. I'm not responsible for your orgasms (especially since my little dangly thing broke off.)

Soon, with mere bitter stuff.

31 comments:

That Gal Kiki said...

Yea, but how do you REALLY feel? ;)

Jazz said...

What the hell is with the grey flannel bow? One of a kind in a suit?

Mr. Knucklehead said...

Note to Suldog Readers:

While Jim here has clearly stated that he's not responsible for your orgasms, I am hereby volunteering that service.

Provided that you're a really hot (okay, semi-hot) (okay, breathing) female.

Anonymous said...

Just in case it has not been pointed out by someone else, that appears to be the "hat" Aretha Franklin wore at the
innauguration(?). Am I right ladies?

Expat From Hell said...

Some people are around to just upset you - once in a while. Like the Clippers. EFH

Ivan Toblog (aka IT) said...

IT is just dandy [get it, those are the initials] as I have been neutered... or at least rendered impotent.
The dangly thingy is called a zipper pull, though I think dangly thingy is a perfectly legitimate term unless you're speaking of the male anatomy.
That award, a likeness of the hat Aretha Franklin wore as she shivered in D.C. last year [that's for Jazz's benefit], will not be presented to any others. Oh, there may be other "ones of a kind," but we'll find other graphics.
I got the Cousy/Powe reference because at one time I was a Celtic follower, if not a fan. My sports loyalties lie on the West Coast, anywhere but in LA.
"Ivana Fahgyoo," all I can say to that is Well, Oh Yeah!!!

Ivan Toblog (aka IT) said...

Addendum:
Asshat is not the exact expression I would have used. The first four letters are a good start.

Quirkyloon said...

You've taken blog awards to a new level of hatred and animosity.

And...

I like it!

*smile*

However, I LOVE awards, so you can send them to me (and don't forget to linky my name in YOUR blog).


*grin*

Hilary said...

"I'll look like an idiot who has a paper clip where his little dangly thing should be."

Sympathy to your WIFE.

Michelle H. said...

What? You mean we didn't have to pay to get our links on your sidebar? What a gyp! Where's my refund!

Orgasms by coming here? Note to self - need to see the doctor because something must be broken. I haven't had any... well, never mind. There's a hidden punch line in there I don't want visited on me.

Buck said...

That "link to a sad oddity" was sad, indeed. Losing your three sisters to breast cancer just has to leave one with an "uh oh" sort of ugly premonition in addition to unbearable sadness.

Your Don Rickles-like acceptance speeches have made me wonder: why are there no "Darwin Award" equivalents for really BAD blogs? Coz I've seen some doozies... and don't go makin' any assumptions or smart-ass remarks about sergeants here, either. ;-)

Mariann Simms said...

I want an award, dammit.

I'd brag about it all the time - I'd put it on my resume. I'd force the kids to look at it.

But do I get one??? Noooooooooooo.

I'm going to stand back and see how many come to me now.

Any day now...

...any day...

not your Uncle Skip said...

I'm just a little miffed. I cruised on over here to Suldog, looking to comment on cow farts and global warming because somebody over on Dave Barry's blog with nothing better to do must have Googled cow farts and posted three of the most likely links, and I find that the subject has been changed to Asshats.
(darn! I'm all out of breath after reading that out loud)
Now all I can say is WTFBBQ and congratulations on a well deserved award, Jim.

Ananda girl said...

Dave Berry put a link to your blog Suldog? Now there's an award!

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

Oh Jim!
thanks for dropping by with your usual wittisisms... wish l could frame them, well guess l could...

you wrote...
What sort of barbarous heathens do you live with? well l have to say l have asked myself that a lot recently over the 'festivities' and use the term loosely cos 'my man' doesn't 'do' christmas, so l'll leave it to your imagination...my thoughts are there floating in the ether!

I'll prepare you a small parcel next time l bake shall l??

l'm off now to check out Mr Knucklehead, apparently you aren't claiming responsibility and he's offering, so l may as well saunter over and window shop.....

saz x

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

You get the award (I'm crouching to avoid your blows) for the best explanation of why receiving awards is such a pain in the ass!!!

Ivan Toblog (aka IT) said...

Maybe I'll have a shirt made:
I'm not an @ssh@t.
I'm the @ssh@t.
That's Mr. @ssh@t to you!

Or you can just call me it ;-)

Eric said...

Whether you meant to provide orgasms for everyone or not, I think you provided the humorous equivalent of them anyway (well, except for Michelle...but that's a whole other story anyway, ask her doctor).

So take your award - the wanky little hat - and fix your damn zipper pull already!

Note - opinions stated here are not the responsibility of Eric, but rather his muse who has taken command of the keys. Muhahahahha!

Land of shimp said...

Aha, I see your flexing your curmudgeon muscles despite the sad state of your dangly thing ;-)

Sir, you seem to have a bit of Don Rickles on your lapel.

I like Ivan Toblog, what with the "Take it. Do your worst." survival instincts of a lemming, and all.

Oh, there's a pretty cliff...

~jill said...

always worth a visit.....=D

Jeni said...

Well, whatever your opinion of the award may be, this one was really quite appropriate because Sully, you definitely ARE one of a kind! And we should all be damned thankful for that too, shouldn't we? (Even if the award is made from -or modeled after -Mz. Aretha's Inaugural hat!)

slommler said...

Sorry you lost your "dangly thingy" and I hope you can overcome your embarrassment and get it fixed....soon! And I see Mr. Knucklehead needs a date!! LOL!!
Hugs
SueAnn

Moannie said...

Sorry Jim, but you are unique. No one gives laughs like you do. Thank heavens there are still some intrepid folk out that that DARE to give you one [awards I mean, of course]

according to the veri word you have been...humooked.

Think the dangly thing is called a pull tab [well in this house it is until it comes off...then it is this 'blankety blank'

Chris Stone said...

lol. good morning! hope you're having a better day today!

i beati said...

are you referring to the pull tab or zipper fastener??See all the little electrons and neurons are not gone yet!!Congrats I ahven't had an award in G knows how long..

Karen said...

Haha... it's called a pull-tab.

She Writes said...

I happily accept your award acceptance speaches :). Brittany... No, I close my eyes and say if I don't seeit, it isn't real!

lime said...

since everything else that can be said has been said i guess i'll just take knucklehead up on his offer.

Janet said...

The story on the surface is very sad, but on another level, how must it have felt to be put on display like that for your whole life? Ugh. That's been 10 years ago, I wonder if she has succumbed to the same fate as her sisters.
But back to the award for best dangly bits . . . whilst I did NOT get the Celtics reference, because I do not follow sports these days, I did appreciate your observation regarding Celsius vs Fahrenheit.
(Sheesh - is there an award for most pompous comment, because I think I qualify.)

Janet said...

Okay, I can't add, it was 8 years ago. I did find this article from 2005 - apparently she did get it too.
http://melbanewsome.com/work2.htm

Janet said...

And here is an article about multiple multiple births. (See what you started?)http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/14661

And this is the saddest article of all about the Fultz girls.
http://books.google.com/books?id=1OEDAAAAMBAJ&pg=PA212&lpg=PA212&dq=Fultz+quadruplets&source=bl&ots=ZaRBJ3v841&sig=giRfYIvMN2fcpYz1_mABUbKSoLo&hl=en&ei=7jxRS-BBj46UB-C09aQK&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=11&ved=0CCsQ6AEwCg#v=onepage&q=Fultz%20quadruplets&f=false