Thursday, April 03, 2008

Where Was I?

The map above shows those United States that I've visited. I have also been in a state of euphoria, as well as a state of grief, but they aren't officially part of the union and thus were not available choices.

(Stu just gave me a big shout-out over at his place, telling people what a marvelous writer I am and how I have tremendous comedic chops. After the joke above, nobody will ever believe him again. He should probably just set fire to his blog and collect the insurance. It's the only way he has left to limit his losses.)

I got the map from a site called MyWorld66. However, instead of providing you a direct route there, I'm going to send you to DJ Big Mick. His site is where I found the link, so I figure it's only fair to toss him a few crumbs.

(That makes you the crumbs. Sorry! I'm such a heel. If I was making any dough off of this thing, I'd give you some; it would be the yeast I could do. I bet that would get a rise out of you!)

(Those are pretty rye jokes. Am I on a roll or what?)

(OK, I'll stop bragging. I don't want to get too carroway with myself.)

(It takes serious crust to make jokes like these. What can I say? I'm baked.)

(Hmmmmmmmm. I think I smell a blog burning. Hey, Stu! When you get the insurance dough, pumpernickel or two over my way.)

Now, DJ Big Mick is of the opinion that you have to have an overnight stay in a state for it to qualify as having been visited. I have a much easier and more logical rationale. I consider it visited if I left bodily fluids of some sort behind. So, if you live in one of the states I've "visited", watch your step!

(Here is where I planned on making disparaging [yet oh-so-witty] remarks concerning some of the states. However, after this piece of crap, I expect that quite a few readers will be abandoning ship. I don't want to piss off any more of you than I already have. As explained in the previous paragraph, though, I've already pissed on quite a few of you, so perhaps it's too late.)

There's little I can do at this point to make this have been a worthwhile trip for you, so I'll just stop.

("...make this have been a worthwhile trip for you, ..." is a painful construction. I truly struggled over that wording for a good five minutes, but that was still the best I could come up with. And there's a sentence ending in a preposition for your troubles. You're welcome.)

(Of course, the following is not only ungrammatical, but more than likely untrue, to boot.)

Soon, with more better stuff.

(I believe I just broke the indoor record for indiscriminate use of parentheses combined with bad puns and poor sentence composition. Woo [and further unto that] Hoo!)

(Come back tomorrow - if you dare - and I'll have a real, actual, honest-to-goodness true story for you. It involves my grandfather, a trolley, a big fish, an Irishman, Boston City Hospital, a lost penny, and the great depression. I could have told it to you today, but I felt like loafing.)


David Sullivan said...

I've left fluids in every state but Alaska.

I won't get into detail about what fluids.

lime said...

i've made it to about 35 states. it's been 18 years since i wandered into boston, mass but i am headed up there to see my cousin this weekend :)

Janet said...

I've been to about 20 states. If you're trying to get rid of readers, these kinds of posts are NOT the way to do it. I count on you for making me laugh out loud, and you always rise to the occasion. (HA!) I notice you've been to Tennessee and Kentucky, the two states I've lived in. Any actual visiting, or just deposits?

Suldog said...

Cuz - Good. Those are details I'd rather be ignorant about :-)

Lime - You are? Would you like someone to stalk you while you're here? I can arrange that.

Janet - I think perhaps you're reading the map backwards. That is, maybe you're reading the grey areas as the states I've been to? I haven't been to either Tennessee or Kentucky. Not that I wouldn't like to leave some fluids there someday...

Rich said...

Your jokes are ehhem...unique to say the least Suldog.

Mushy said...

Yep, like David said, fluids and/or solids in 34 including Alaska and Hawaii!

Buck said...

I think you need to contact the Guinness World Records folks. There has to be a category for bread puns, and you just set the record.

I've left fluids in all 50 states, but it took me nearly 60 years to finally get up to Maine. Dunno what took me so long... coz it's a beautiful state.

Janet said...

Yes, I did indeed get it backwards. I'll be skulking off now.

Suldog said...

Rich - That's as good a word as any to describe them, I suppose.

Mushy - I didn't say anything about solids! Ewwww!

Buck - You know, Maine is the reason I chose to use fluid leaving as my criteria rather than a sleepover. I've been to Maine on many occasions, spending entire days there, but I've never slept there, to the best of my knowledge.

Janet - That's OK. We all still love you.

lime said...

what's a visit to beantown without a stalker!

oh and i gotta say your comment at my place wins the award for most honest and the one that cracked me up the hardest. loved it!

mountainlime (at)gmail (dot)com if you're serious

adamg said...

Sleep over? Please. If you can die in a place, that counts as a visit. Therefor, I count Delaware (hey, we could have been wiped out by a semi on I-95 and Kentucky (changeover at the Cincinnati airport, which is actually in Ky). And I won't budge.

Suldog said...

Lime - I've replied to your e-mail addy. Maybe if our schedules mesh...

AdamG - Yeah, I kind of feel that way, too, but the fluids thing makes a more... interesting picture.

Shrinky said...

I so want to visit Massasschusis (and learn how to spell it), I have a very dear friend living there who threatens to leave the state if I step on a plane to visit, so I guess it's not on the cards for now (but I'm working on it).

I did go to NY once, does that count?


Suldog said...

Shrinky - Does New York count? Yes. It counts against you, I'm sorry to say. Minus points!

(I still love you, though.)

Jerry said...


Came here from Mushy's blog. You haven't been to two of the states that I've lived in. I thought everyone had been to Indiana to at least take a dump on their way to some place else.

I've left fluids in all 50 states.

Suldog said...

- I've wanted to take a dump on Indiana, if that helps.