Friday, April 11, 2008

Cussin'

The Blog-O-Cuss Meter - Do you cuss a lot in your blog or website?

Shit.

Fat Hairy Bastard had this at his place. Now, he registered only 23.4%. I have no idea how he got off so easy when you consider that THE VERY NAME OF HIS SITE, which shows up on every page, is considered a swear in and of itself, at least by some folks.

Of course, the question that begs asking is this: What exactly constitutes a swear? Some folks would include everything from "goshdarn" on up. Me? I tend to raise the bar a bit higher. I use "Hell" "Damn" "Crap" and others of that sort on a regular basis, but I consider them very minor league. I don't expect anyone but the most cloistered old maids to find those truly offensive. Hell, I use "shit" and "fuck" like some people use ketchup and salt on french fries - liberally, ubiquitously, but with no malice aforethought. I don't even think about the ramification of using lesser swears such as "crap" until somebody (usually MY WIFE) points out that there might be some readers who would find it crude.

As a matter of fact, about the only curses I really find offensive involve blasphemy. I try very hard to self-censor on that account. You'd be hard-pressed to find a "[Deity's name]Damn" hanging around these pages.

(The other thing I find offensive isn't so much cursing, as it is when someone uses a word as a curse when it shouldn't be. Take the word "cocksucker", for example. I hate it when it is used as a pejorative. I think it's a lovely trait in a person - especially a female person - and if we men who enjoy such things want to keep enjoying it, we shouldn't make anyone feel bad for doing it.)

The only person I worry about, when I swear here, is My Mother. She hasn't said an actual swear in - just an estimate - forever. She's all full of "shoot" and "sugar" and "fudge" and other substitutes. I guess if they perform the same function for you, they're good enough. Me? If I went around saying "Sugar!", instead of what I really wanted to say, I'd build up so much pressure inside of me that the top of my skull would blow off and the resulting bony shrapnel would kill somebody. When you consider such an eventuality, me saying "Shit!" every so often doesn't seem like such a bad trade-off.

(If I ever said "Go fudge yourself!" to someone, I'd deserve whatever happened to me.)

Of course, swearing in general isn't what it used to be. George Carlin had his famous Seven Words You Can Never Say On TV routine. Nowadays, what with cable and all, there isn't a single one of them you won't hear, and on a regular basis, too. Even on the broadcast networks, I think there are only 6 of the 7 that are still verboten. "Piss" has completely lost the power to shock. Everybody says things like "pissed off", even on so-called "family" shows.

(I'm not sure about "tits". I think I've heard it once or twice. And "shit" has certainly shown up on things like NYPD Blue, if no place else. So, Carlin's Seven may be down to four, in actuality.)

Well, I could go on getting cheap shock-value laughs, but I think it would be more instructive to find out if you are as filthy a son of a bitch as I am. Go, find out. Then report back, please. And if you come in at a higher percentage than I did, you should be ashamed of yourself. Go wash out your blog's mouth with soap.

23 comments:

lime said...

ok, i got 17.5% and they call that high. i'd really like to know what words they define as cuss words because i think i use fewer than that on my site....though my recent 'ass stance' may have bumped it up.

ppffttt....like i give a fuck anyway. ;)

Janet said...

I try to curb the profanity (I can and will cuss like a sailor) since my child started using it. Hearing a 3-year-old say, "Oh, shit!" is startling at best. So we've taught her that it's an ugly word. Now she will correct us when we say it. That and "Stupid". Her latest is "hate." Will it never end? I'll let you know my meter reading. I hope the fees don't go up.

Janet said...

Ha! 0%. Pure as the driven snow, I am. (And if you belief that, I have a bit of oceanfront property you would like . . .)

Balcony Gal said...

Shit, I'm afraid to try it on my site. I've tried to be good over there because I don't want to upset my husband and because I want the Cs brass (yes, turns out even the Cs owner is reading my little blog) to think I'm an angel. I'd hate to disappoint myself and find out I'm a total crack head of cussing.

Like Janet, my 3 y.o. has started saying some choice things that clearly come from my side of the family. I giggle, a lot, when she says craptastic, though. I figure it's harmless.

Suldog, I must say, as someone who has actually stood in the same room with you (and perhaps shared the same microphone but we don't want to get people talking) I think I'd piss my pants if you said shoot or fudge. Though when you have sworn in my presence it was always a whisper swear and I consider that fucking polite as all hell.

Mushy said...

Oh, I saw a few but wish I didn't! I once quit, but somehow got back into softcore words!

I had a friend who punctuated every comment with GD. His wife once scolded him and he said, "Oh GD, I'm sorry!"

~Fathairybastard~ said...

Jesus boy. You talk to yo Momma with that mouth?

~Fathairybastard~ said...

Seriously, I learned some of my best cuss words and phrases listenin' to my Mom watch Cowboy games. "Get that son of a bitch!", ringin' out on so many fall weekends. Aaah, those were the days. Hell, that was just a few months ago.

DJ Big Mick said...

"Around 3.1% of the pages on your website contain cussing."
Holy Shit! I can't believe I scored so low... I mean in conversation, I tend to swear like an ex-sailor turned truck driver.
I too avoid taking the Lord's name in vain in print, however, my motives are quite different. I'm not so much worried about offending people as I am the outlandish religion-based pop-up ads that result!

Rooster said...

Sull, I'm too offended by this post to comment on it.

Shit, I just commented on it! God damn it!

Buck said...

I posted my results on April 3rd... 8.1%... which is "Medium," according to the Cuss-O-Meter. I've cleaned up my act a LOT in the last few years, what with being an old sergeant and all. Every fourth word was an f-bomb while I was on active duty, not so much these days.

It's the grand-kids.

Melinda said...

Wow I'm SUCH a goodie-goodie. Only 10% for me... not sure if that's something to brag about or not...

Since both my and my fiance's family read my blog, I usually have to censor myself. But I'm wondering if I write one blog post with lots of cuss words if I can increase this number... hmm...

Jeni said...

Holy Rip! If my blog is rating at a 38.5% for a VERY HIGH on the cuss meter, I'd hate to see what rating I would get if I didn't try to keep my cuss words down as much as I do now! What the heck words are they counting there anyway?

Brian in Oxford said...

My wife and I debate whether FART and CRAP are considered inappropriate words for small children. We come down completely on opposite sides of the two words. I'm pro-crap, anti-fart, and she's the opposite. go figure...

Stu said...

Remember what George said about the list and "tits" - "...and Tits doesn't even belong on the list. That is such a friendly
sounding word. It sounds like a nickname, right? "Hey, Tits, come here, man. Hey Tits, meet Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots." It sounds like a snack, doesn't it? Yes, I know, it is a snack. I don't mean your sexist snack. I mean New Nabisco Tits!, and new Cheese Tits, Corn Tits, Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits. "Betcha Can't Eat Just One." That's true. I usually switch off. But I mean, that word does not belong on the list."

Stu said...

and to be serious, I curse like someone who was raised in an Italian suburb of New Jersey, which, y'know, I was. So I don't curb my cursing in front of the kids. I try not to be terribly vulgar, but I don't censor myself that much either. I want them to know about everything, so that they can decide for themselves.

Also, my blog got a 3.2% with the cuss-o-meter. That's 'cause my Mom reads my blog, and I just don't have the kind of courage necessary to type 'cocksucker' in front of my mother. As a baseball fan, I am happy to say it, but not in front of Mom.

Shrinky said...

I'm scared to run mine through this.. eeeek!

I laughed out loud at some of your observations, particularly the cocksucker one.

There is a time and a place for everything. I was floored to learn (long after his death) that my father cussed for Scotland with his mates. Not once did I ever hear anything profain escape from his lips..

CrazyCath said...

Oh no I am a REAL goody two shoes! Darn it and shit! (That should up your score a bit).
I daren't tell you what I scored. I have had the cuss o meter a little while now. I'll post my ENORMOUS score some time and then you can see what good, angelic company you keep.

;0)

Sharfa said...

19.5% for me. Much better than in real life. I'd say I behave myself on my blog.

Cricket's Hearth said...

Hi, I am out blog hopping this evening and came across your site. Quite amusing I must say! I snooped around a bit and read more of your writings. You definitely have a flair for recounting personal events in your life. I would like to invite you to check out my second blog (of course you are welcome to visit Cricket's Hearth as well) Slice of Life Sunday to see if any of my prompts inspire a memory. http://sliceoflifesunday.wordpress.com Thanks for the laughs!

the blue state blogger said...

Let's try it over at Tiger Woods' site!

GO TIGER! YOU CAN DO IT!!

CrazyCath said...

Jim - you're tagged mate. Come over and see!

Chucka Stone Designs said...

Seriously, as a fellow Bostonian this entire post completely fucking offended me.

My blog would get a 0% most likely but if that meter followed me around I'm sure it would actually implode in about 4 minutes.

Chris Stone said...

well. my probable low score would depress me too much!

i wonder... why my mother's "fudge" and "shoot" never worked as well for me? I do enjoy "frack" though. peeworm is another good one. i think the internet is forging the next generation of substitutes.

i mean, really, who makes fudge anymore?