Monday, March 09, 2009

Hello, Dummies! You Asked For It!

It’s 5:35 Saturday morning.

(Yes, I’m writing a blog post at 5:35 on a Saturday morning. MY WIFE says I have no idea how to take a day off. She says you’re supposed to sleep later on the days you don’t work. I totally disagree. I say getting up earlier on the days you have off allows you to enjoy more of that day. On the other hand, if I could sleep through work...)

(If any of my co-workers leaves a snarky comment, the office coffee will taste funny and you’ll know why. That’s all I’m saying.)

Anyway, life is good. Last night, I went to the Celtics game with MY WIFE, and we saw them beat the Cleveland Cavaliers. Almost better than the win, we got to see LeBron James blow an absolute showboat of a dunk. With the score something like 6 – 4 in the first quarter, he roared in from right of the basket and wound up to tomahawk the ball through the hoop, but it just went *BOING!* off of the rim and shot up into the air while the entire arena fell apart laughing. That’s entertainment! Before the game, we had a delicious meal at Phoenicia, a great little middle-eastern restaurant that, for some unknown reason, had only us and one other couple in it on a Friday night, while every other place up and down the street was jammed. The shish kebab and falafel were great, the service was attentive, and the price (with tax and drinks included) was $40. Now that we know where to go to avoid the a-holes on a Friday, they’ll no doubt go out of business.

(Maybe everybody else in Boston knew we were there, and they were the ones avoiding the a-holes? Nah, couldn’t be that.)

At the game, MY WIFE took a trip to the concessions stand and came back with a souvenir drink cup for me – it says "17-time world champions" and has every winning year printed around the rim – and when we got home, there was a message on the answering machine saying that my new glasses were ready to be picked up, so next time LeBron makes an ass of himself, I’ll be able to see it as clearly as I would have when I was a teenager. Right now, I’m drinking wonderfully tasty and aromatic freshly-ground coffee; I’ll be taking a relaxing hot shower as soon as I’m done typing; and I’ve got the first round of the World Baseball Classic to look forward to later on. In Jimworld (copyright pending, but unlikely) it just doesn’t get any better than this.

However, some rain must fall into every life. Last week, two people gave me awards.

If you’ve been coming here for any appreciable length of time, you know how I accept awards: with extreme venom. I diss the award and rip the presenter a new one. I don’t see any reason to change that now.

This first award appears to be a lemonade stand.

At first, I had trouble understanding why. Then I figured it out. It’s a lemonade stand because when life hands me lemons, I wind up and throw the fucking lemons full-speed back at life's oh-so-smug face. Or I make lemonade. It’s one or the other. In any case, I supposedly have a great attitude and I’m full of gratitude. Yeah, right. Did you click on the link above about the coffee?

The person who gave me this award isn’t actually a person. She’s a frog. I’m not just throwing out a weird little insult here; I’m serious. Take a look at her avatar.

Her name is Jazz, and she’s a frickin’ frog. I’m getting awards from amphibians now. Granted, it’s an amphibian in a top hat, but still. What’s next? A toad in a tutu? Crocodiles in spats? A porcupine in a jumper? Oh, wait a minute. I already DID get an award from a porcupine in a jumper. Never mind.

The best thing is that she actually calls me out. She said, and I quote:

"I’m going out of my way to give [this award] to Suldog because, traditionally, every time someone gives him an award, he tears them to tiny bits..."

Imagine that. It’s reached the point where people are giving me awards because they WANT me to do a tarantella on their heads. I’ve become the Don Rickles of the blogosphere, with folks desperately trying to get seats in the front row so that I can insult their clothing and call them hockey pucks. Well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my time barely earning a living on the fringes of show business, it’s to always give the people what they want, so I hope the above has satisfied your warped needs.

If not, try this on for size. I think lemonade sucks. It’s the most over-rated drink in the history of the universe. It doesn’t satisfy your thirst, and even though it has enough sugar in it to send your average diabetic into a coma, it still puckers up your kisser and makes the phlegm clog your throat. And... Oh, Hell, I don’t know where I’m headed with this, but you’re still a freakin’ FROG. There was a reason God made tons of them fall from the sky on the Egyptians, you know. It’s because people think they’re slimy and gross. The Egyptians weren’t standing in the middle of the street going, "Aw, look at the cute little frogs!" They were running away, screaming, "Shit! Frogs! Quick, Amenotep! Close all the windows!"

Come to think of it, has anyone ever had a single good thing to say about a frog? No, of course not. When you want to insult a Frenchman, what do you call him? Right. And any animal that the best you can say about it is that it resembles a Frenchman isn’t going to get you any sympathy, lady. And I’m part French, so that ought to tell you something. And then, after you drink the lemonade, you piss like a cow on a flat rock, you’re still thirsty, you probably swallowed some seeds that will lodge in your appendix and kill you, and enough about frogs, lets move on to Green Jello.

Green Jello? Yes, that’s the name of the person who gave me the other award. If it’s Green Jello, maybe it’s made from frogs! Nah, probably it’s snot.

(Get it? It’s SNOT? It’s NOT? And snot is green? Yeah, like I’m supposed to be upset that you’re gagging. If you've stuck around this long, you deserve whatever you get, you masochist. And it’s not like you paid to get in.)

The award that comes from Chartreuse Gelatin? It looks like this.

OK, I’ve got to admit that I like the idea of making someone jiggle. However, the award is named after the person who gave it! How amazingly self-absorbed, childish, and ego-driven!

(I’m hoping none of you remember this. If you do, keep your mouth shut and play along.)

So, Froggy Snots, you thought that giving me this gettin’ all jiggly wid it thang would make me happy enough to spare you a flaying? Not bloody likely, Booger Dessert.

Geez, that’s enough. I can’t come up with any more combinations of Frog, Snot, and Jello. If I keep going, I’ll have to admit that it’s probably just lime-flavored (even though it’s likely made from horse hooves. Yech!)

As usual, I’m supposed to pass these abominations on to a whole bunch of other unsuspecting wretches. As usual, I won’t. You can all relax now. Well, except for two of you. I’m giving both of these awards to the people who gave me the other one. Green Jello gets the lemonade stand, and Jazz gets the Jello Jiggler. Serves you both right for thinking you could get away with this.

And now, since I’m Don Rickles, I’ll end the same way he always does. I’ll say that this entire performance has just been in fun and I don’t really hate anybody. Good night and God bless!

(Of course, Rickles ended his act that way because he was performing in front of a live audience and the possibility always existed that some moron in the audience wouldn’t get it and might actually attack him in the parking lot afterward. That doesn’t really make any sense for me, since you’re not really here. So, screw you. I meant every word of it.)

In closing, let me say that this has been 30 minutes of my life wasted, which is probably about six times as many minutes wasted by you reading it, so you got off easy. I’ll add these awards to the gallery on my sidebar, as proud of them as I am all of the others, despite the vitriol spewed in the paragraphs above. I say this just in case one of you actually is a psycho bitch with access to my address. I’ll remind you that I’m a Libertarian and therefore likely to be armed.

Soon, with more better stuff.

Frogs. Bleah.


GreenJello said...

A lemonade stand? Hrumph. I think not. I want the Suldog Award. So there.

Suldog said...

You want The Suldog Award instead of The Lemonade Stand? That's like asking for a big plate of gristle when you've been offered Kobe Beef. But, it's your funeral. You've got it!

endangered coffee said...

... but Limeade is severely underrated.

Anonymous said...

Whew! I must be a cowardly pussy cat because every award I have ever been given I have wanted to pass onto you, but just the thought of all the terrible things you would say stills my finger on the click button. Makes you think I must have lived a very sheltered life.What a wimp!

I think YOUR WIFE is the nicest kindest woman ever to have been stuck with an old curmudgion.

Jazz said...

Damn, well dude, you got me laughing which is a good thing on this shitful Monday morning. Oh, and for the record, that's not just any frog, it's Michigan J. Frog! The ultimate frog.

And also for the record: I'm French.


Carolina said...

I like frogs! Except for the ones that are floating all bloated in our pond now, because they were frozen and now they are on the verge of exploding. Those I don't like! They always explode when I'm fishing them out of the pond. Yuck!
But I like frogs that are alive! I really do. Except the ones that feel amorous and express those feelings quite loudly at night! Under my bedroom window. Fortunately for them I don't own a gun.
But the rest of the frogs I like.
Not that you were even remotely interested in that ;-) Lemonade is nice too, but only on a hot day in summer. That is usually one day a year. Sorry to have bored you with all this information.
Congratulations on your awards!

Saz said...

Mmmmmm.. I concur with mOannie mum, l'm too scared to award you anything. I like it when you come by and say pervy things on my makes me smile, maybe that makes me weird, but l like smiling. I wouldnt like to be hit with the suldog diss-fest!!

veryfication word is subtl'...NOT

Anonymous said...


I always did like Don Rickles...

I've been thinking about starting a blog but have been a little nervous about it. This is just another incentive to join the fun. I'll have to work harder to get something going and then come up with an award to send you. I may even have to put a little extra thought into my possible avatars.

Thanks for the chuckle.

Anonymous (for now)

~j said... wrote this at 5:35 in the morning. i can't even spell my name at 5:35 in the morning. i'd give you an award to announce your blogging greatness to the world, but i don't do virtual award thing. (and i don't sit in the front row of mean comics' shows either)

don rickles...tarantella....lebron being lebron...and frog/snot/jello combinations. can't think of a better way to start the week.

Pam said...

i think jello is made out of gristle...i actually read it's made out of bones and skin. blah! *makes note to self: do not give suldog an award* hehe

Jinksy said...

So enjoyed your gracious acceptance speeches at this latest award ceremony. Such veomous verbal dexterity is worthy of the highest accolade. Oops, did I mean lemonade?

Angie Ledbetter said...

Kudos on more undeserving awards! :) Wasn't Rickles the very best ever? 'Course, you're his stand-in (haha) in Blogland.

Buck said...

But... but... didja get to ride the zamboni again Friday night?

Sharfa said...

You might think it's funny, but itsnot.

5:30 AM on a SATURDAY? You really are certifiable.

Cath said...

1. I remember THAT award. It is still on my sidebar.

2. You posted your address on your blog a little while ago.

3. I may be a psycho bitch.

4. Mwuhahahahahaha! (= evil laugh)

5. I can't be bothered to swim that far so you are safe.

6. For now. If I win some money for the airfare, you're first.

Michelle H. said...

Even though you diss the awards and tear people new a-holes (I'm sporting mine proudly), you make the posts so entertaining that we want to witness more of your madness. Oh, the irony...

Pat - Arkansas said...

At least a sandal-wearing porcupine in beaded dreadlocks has a personality, but Lemonade or Jello? :) --no offense intended to the award grantors--

I enjoyed your ripping and tearing; always a pleasure, and you gave us a double dose today!

Reasons said...

I promise I will never send you an award. Haven't got a clue how to do it. Actually, on second thoughts...I do like a wind up... Someone please leave me a comment telling me how. ;-)

tshsmom said...

Frogs eat bugs. THERE, that's ONE good thing about frogs. ;)

I'm with you on getting up early on weekends. It's the only time I get totally to MYSELF.

CSD Faux Finishing said...

Ah yes, the slimy Suldog lick-your-face award. Good days indeed. I think I misplaced mine but I'm sure I can dig it out of the bottom of the pile of junk it is in.

Lime jello is so the best.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Likely to be armed? Suldog? Yikes!

I'm leaving now! He has no access to Nuclear Weapons, does he? Just checking!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for letting me know about the list I had. I was relived to know it wasn't real advice!

As hard as you try no to, you seem to continue to charm your readers into sending you awards.

Congrats :)!

lime said...

and then there's me. i get an award and forget who gave it to me and rarely get around to passing it on. i am the dead letter office of awards.

as for frogs...what about kermit. i like the guy. it ain't easy being green.

Anonymous said...

"If I keep going, I’ll have to admit that it’s probably just lime-flavored (even though it’s likely made from horse hooves. Yech!)"

Actually, in this country, Jell-O is made from pigs' hooves.

Jeni said...

I do believe I read or heard somewhere about jello being made from cow bones -there is gelatin in the core of the bones or something to that effect. Actually, come to think of it I think I saw this on either the History channel or Discovery -one or the other -about the guy who invented jello!
But what does cows pissing on flat rocks have to do with any of this anyway? Although, as expressions go, I rather liked that. It'cute and catchy, ya know.

Ali P said...

If you weren't armed, how would you TYPE?

Thank you! I'll be here all week! Remember to tip your servers!

John-Michael said...

I will just trust that (in this happy little World that is my Mind) Kermit is excluded from all of your insufferable rantings. To believe otherwise would be unconscionable!

Lovin' Ya, Jim, My SulDog Friend ...

Jane! said...

You don't like lemonade!?!?! I wonder if maybe you're not putting enough vodka in it.

I totally agree that it's easier to get out of bed to NOT go to work. Five thirty-five might be a bit overboard, though.

Hilary said...

Usually, when I realize that a blogger's post is about awards, I'll just move along to the next one. Yours is the only awards post I'll read from start to finish.. and love it. Thanks always for the laughs.

david mcmahon said...

I'm up early every morning too. I love it.

Janet said...

I swear the next award I get I'm passing on to you just so you'll write a post about me, even if the award wildly inappropriate, like domestic goddess or something. Not that I'll be getting THAT one anytime soon. Or ever.
(And yeah, that's Michigan J. Frog, the singing frog from Warner Brothers.)
I like our frogs. So far none of them have frozen and exploded, in spite of living in a pond created from an ice chest.