Tuesday, March 17, 2009

'tis A Great Day For The Semi-Irish

Ah, Sweet Jayzis, ‘tis Saint Patty’s day! Time fer th' wearin’ o’ th' green!

I’ll be startin’ me day off wit’ a pint o’ Guinness, and then a big tub o’ corned beef an’ cabbage. After that - Tura Lura Loo! - I’ll slap ME WIFE upside her gob and t’row me 26 kiddos down th' stairs, so they'll be gettin' ready fer mass in a proper way. After th' sarvice, I’ll punch Fadder O’Malley in th' mush and head on over to th' pub and meet Murph, Mac, Murph, Quinn, Tommy Fitz, Timmy Fitz, Jimmy Fitz, Murph, Sweeney, Sully, Sully, Big Sully, Fahey, Sully, and O’Brien for a few quarts o’ whiskey. Faith and begorrah! Then we’ll have a grand time whalin’ th' bejeezus out of each other until the blood runs in rivers, I tells ya! Toity toity toy! Then some more corned beef an’ cabbage an’ more whiskey an’ more Guinness while we tell each other tales o’ how, if we was still in the Auld Sod, we’d be beatin’ the snot out o’ whole armies o’ English arseholes. Ptooie!

O! Then th' topper to the whole grand day! The parade, by Jayzis! Won’t it be a foin sight to see all the lads and lassies dressed in their foinest and marchin’ down th' street? Ah, where’s me shillelagh? Another pint o’ Guinness, O’Reilly, and póg mo thóin!


Ah, th' barmaid is a foin homely lass, she is, but I’m a married man! Where’s ME WIFE? I want another 6 kids! Ah, ‘tis a foin day!


O’Toole, how are you? Go shit in yer fist, you boghoppin' son of a bitch! Where’s yer 42 kids? (*smash!*) Ah, Mullins! I thought that was you! Saints be praised, it’s good to see yer face!


And I don’t suppose you were after forgettin’ th' time you tripped me durin’ recess in th' fifth grade, ya bastard! Go n-ithe an cat thú, is go n-ithe an diabhal an cat!

Jayzis, Mary and Joseph! I’m so drunk I can’t find me own arsehole and it’s time fer me to go meet me 32 brithers an’ sisters who’re on th' police department and me 64 uncles on th' fire department an’ me 487 cousins who work fer the state because we’re all goin’ over to Seamus McCarthy’s house to play th' harp, drink more whiskey, eat more corned beef and cabbage, and then fight all night until we collapse in the street in a drunken bloody stupor. Erin Go Bragh!


I’m partly Irish. You don’t get a name like Sullivan or a face like mine without some Irish blood, but - God help me – I sure do hate to admit it sometimes.

The Irish are just about the only ethnic group that you can defame with impunity. Nobody is holding rallies to change the name of the Notre Dame athletic teams. The Fighting Irish. Try calling some college team The Hotheaded Hispanics and see how far you get. Throw an Irish cop with a larcenous streak into a movie or a TV show and nobody blinks. Hell, make him a drunk who beats his wife and has 12 unkempt bratty children. You might as well go all the way. It’s not like anybody is going to complain, least of all the Irish themselves. The Irish are just about the only group that generally ignores most of the stereotypes people throw around about them. For that matter, many of us seem to take pride in our rotten image.

When I say “us,” I say it with some reservation. Yes, I have Irish blood, but unless I tell you, you wouldn’t know that I actually have a higher percentage of Hispanic, not to mention French. I also have Yankee, which is English in origin, of course. And some Scottish. The Irish is pretty much only pasty skin deep.

So, by the stereotypes, this is my make up:

I’m a red-headed Irish Hispanic, so I must have a hair-trigger temper. However, being French, as soon as you stand up to my temper, I’ll surrender. Since I’m also English, I’ll probably make a very wry joke while doing so. The Scot in me would like to make a buck out of the whole deal.

I like to eat potatoes at every meal, but I’ll have snails, greasy beef and haggis with them. Oh, yes, with jalapenos on the side. I’ll also have a heaping helping of spotted dick for dessert, but petit fours will do in a pinch.

I’m up for just about anything sexually, of course, but would you mind not shaving your armpits? I might slap you around a bit, but later you can tie up the English side of me and put a whip to my butt, so it’ll even out. Since I’m also a Scot, if you want me to wear a kilt while we’re doing it, I’m OK with that.

I think Jerry Lewis is a genius, but Monty Python, Cantinflas, Billy Connolly and the first half of this post also make me laugh. I drive a Jaguar low-rider powered by peat, but never on toll roads. I wear a beret on top of my sombrero, as well as a derby under it. I work for the government, I sponge off of the government, I am the government, and I want to overthrow the government.

Ah, that’s enough of that, I suppose.

(Just in case you’re really wondering, about 1/3 of the above is true. I’ll leave it to your imagination which 1/3.)

(Not the Jaguar, that’s for sure.)

So, I don’t really have much of a point here, but I’m glad you came along for the ride. If I’ve upset you in any way, just be thankful that it isn’t Bastille Day tomorrow. Or Cinco De Mayo, for that matter.

Soon, con mas (whatever the French word for “better” is) stuff, Bucko.


Shammickite said...

Congratulations on your Irishness. And also on your Frenchness, Hispanicness, and all the rest of it. But everyone's a teeny bit Irish on March 17th, right?
Except me. I'll never be Irish. But I do have the red hair. And I love potatoes and Irish stew.

Cath said...

I think I might have seen this one before. I bust my sides laughing then...and I bust then again now!

It's the way you tell 'em Sully! (And I might even have said THAT last year too!)

Michelle H. said...

*snort* This was great, but what does "Go n-ithe an cat thú, is go n-ithe an diabhal an cat," mean exactly?

Jazz said...

Great post! You had me laughing out loud.

skywind said...

Oh, Happy St. Patrick's Day! LOL
What is Really Healthy-Health Blog
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Suldog said...

To answer Michelle's question, it means: May the cat eat you and the devil eat the cat!

Marian Dean said...

From one Irish mixed up kid to another. Have a great St Patrick's day whatever cap you are wearing.
My Grandaddy O Connell would be down the pub at first light if he was still with us. Bless him, gone these 45 years. Seems like yesterday.
Love Granny

lime said...

oh sweet jayzuz.....the universe may well implode soon!

i'm a greek raised by german/irish/english sorts so delete the hispanic and add add the greek jokes (yeah, those, you know the ones...) to that whole profile for me.

as an aside i have a red headed daughter who likes to make people's heads spin by strenuously asserting her greekness just to see the reaction she'll get since everyone assumes she is irish (though likely there's not a drop of irish blood in her).

CSD Faux Finishing said...

Well then Happy Ameteur Day Esse! I think you should head back to the pub, you left Clancy, O'Halloran, Fitz, Sully, Murph, Fitz and Sully on the floor.

My favorite Irish saying goes:

May those who love us, love us; and those who don't love us may God turn their hearts; and if he can't turn their hearts may he turn their ankles so we will know them by the limping.

I'm about 75%, the other quarter is Lithuanian. At least I got the Irish wit if I couldn't have the Lithuanian tan, that's what I always say ;)

Nana Net said...

Ok, now that I have regained my composure! Happy St. Patty's Day to you too! Now I am off to drink me some green beer!!!!

Jane! said...

Spotted dick, eh? I think I'll stick with corned beef and cabbage. I'm only Irish one day a year. ;o)

David Sullivan said...

Póg mo thóin!

Angie Ledbetter said...

Happy day to l/4, 1/3 or 1/2 o' ye. :)

tshsmom said...

What a foin Irish accent ye have mate!

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Sullivan, y'say? Wud ye be lookin' at moi point? (Thwack!)

Great post, Sir, love the Gaelic humour!

Voyager said...

Oh my God, too freakin funny.
I'm a red head too, but of Scottish descent. I get drunk on Robbie Burn's day, not St. Paddy's. But what the hell, in the name of cultural diversity I'll raise a glass or two of geen lager to you today.

Anonymous said...

Congrats on managing to parody just about every stereotype and generalization of all of us without causing too much offence to anyone.

Janet said...

That was just as hilarious as the first time around.

I'm a wanna-be Irish, but not a drop of Irish blood can I find in any ancestors. French, German, and mostly English (in fact, I think some of my relatives may have caused the potato famine).


And I can't even drink my Guinness anymore.

Enough with the whining! Enjoy the day! You can keep the cabbage, though.

Sam said...

millteanach greannmhar!

Andrea said...

This had me laughing out loud...as usual!! I've got Irish in me, so I was especially appreciative!! :)

Reasons said...

Now Suldog, you didn't take your meds today did you?! ;-)

Anonymous said...

"I think Jerry Lewis is a genius."
That comment just cost you any inheritance! I know I have threatened that in the past, but now I really mean it. Even if it was in the 1/3 that was incorrect. I am so embarrassed.

endangered coffee said...

I'm looking forward to the holiday celebrating Scottish, Portuguese, French-Canadian heritage.

GreenJello said...

I think I need to be drunk to completely understand all that.

Hilary said...



Carolina said...


Do you know the books of Roddy Doyle? Or the film The Commitments? You'll probably like them.

Brilliant post!