Inestimably Valuable Knowledge

What with this being the start of a new year and all, I figured I'd give you the benefit of the knowledge I've gained during my many years on this planet.

(Some other year, I'll give you the benefit of the knowledge I've gained from my many years on other planets. Most of that can be boiled down to one sentence, though, so here's the gist of it: The only place you can get good coffee is on Earth, so be sure to pack some when you leave.)

The following bits of knowledge will be numbered, but pay no attention to that fact. Each morsel I'm about to divulge is just as important as every other morsel; perhaps even more so, when you get right down to it - which is what I'm about to do, so pay attention.

1 - Everything is better with gravy, except ice cream. And cats. Cats are just fine without gravy.

2 - Everything is better with cats, except ice cream. Nobody likes furry ice cream, unless you also have gravy, in which case you're better off with neither.

3 - Every time you think you've figured it out, you haven't. That includes everything you've read up to this point, as well as everything that follows, but not this.

4 - Or this.

5 - You're not as smart as you think I am.

6 - Wheeler & Woolsey are hilarious. On the other hand, Abbott & Costello mostly leave me cold, except for "Who's On First", which is genius stuff. So, De Gustibus Non Est Disputadum, as my grandfather used to say just before he loaded porno onto the overhead projector at church.

7 - If you wear your socks inside out, it's likely no one will notice, but try it with your pants - just once - and see what happens.

8 - Is Enough.

10 - Belongs before 9, unless you're counting down to blast off (or desperately searching for funny things to write and mostly coming up empty.)

9 - Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public. However, there's a whole bunch of us who ain't getting rich doing it, either.

11 - The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. Damon Runyan said that, and now he's dead, so there you go.

12 - If you wait long enough, it'll happen.

13 - If you happen long enough, it'll wait.

14 - Never stand when you can sit. Never sit when you can lie down. Never run when you can walk. Never walk when you can ride. And if someone else is pulling your wagon, there's little sense in you getting out to push.

15 - Unless there's a gravy-covered cat eating your ice cream, in which case all bets are off.

16 - I guarantee you can think of at least 10 things you could be doing now that would profit you more than reading this. However, most of them involve actual work, so you're probably better off here than there, and vice-versa.

17 - See #15 and exclude words # 1, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, and 16, as well as the comma following word # 10, then insert the phrase "right at this very moment!" at either the beginning or the end - your choice.

18 - If you followed the directions in #17 and then actually went to check on your ice cream supply, Bill Gates will give you $10,000 for every e-mail you send to your friends telling them about it.

19 - As pertains to #18, I am not your friend.

20 - Please see my post from December 31st, and refer to the 9th resolution.

21 - Is when you can start drinking legally, and I'd take advantage of that fact, if I were you.

22 - The joke in #10 would have made sense if I wrote "after" where I wrote "before", but you already knew that.

23 - Soon, with more better stuff.

(23a - If you commented on this piece earlier, it's been lost. This is because I'm a boneheaded slouch. However, the words of Mainecatwoman, Lime, and Emon will forever live on in my memory.)

(23b - "Forever" is herein defined as "until I go to bed tonight.")