Thursday, January 24, 2008

Aunt Jemima's Mattapancakes? JB Sash & Dorchester?

Just a few things I need to get out of my brain (in order to make room for lines, should Martin Scorsese offer me a speaking part.)

This is just so that those of you who know me only from yesterday's posting (see link above) will not continue to labor under the mistaken impression that I can't help but look like a mental patient.

Now, on to matters of genius.

MY WIFE has come up with the solution for the state's fiscal woes. Her plan will allow the Commonwealth of Massachusetts to forgo selling its soul to casino operators, as well as make the elimination of the income tax a realistic feasibility to even the most ardent liberals.

We should sell naming rights to our cities and towns to the highest corporate bidders.

Well, why not? Sports teams do it all the time. TD Banknorth Garden, the Staples Center, Arco Arena, Tropicana Field - the list is gigantic. And if they're shelling out millions of dollars for the right to throw their name and logo onto such small pieces of real estate, imagine how much they'd be willing to fork over for the ability to name entire towns!

An obvious one is our own home of WATERTOWN. Why not ask Coca-Cola for a couple hundred million for the right to change it to DasaniTown? I'm pretty sure we could get a bidding war going. Do you think Coke will stand idly by while there's the possibility of our burg being called AquaFinaVille? I don't think so! And they could draw their product right from the Charles River and nobody would know the difference.

The possibilities are almost as endless as the stream of revenue would be.

Dr. PEPPERELL; Jimmy Dean Breakfast SAUGUS; Magic SHEFFIELD; NEW Improved Kingsford Charcoal With Less ASHFORD; I Could Have HADLEY a V-8; CHIC-Fil-A-OPEE.

Old jokes could be recycled for profit. Dick Hertz from HOLDEN? Use Vaseline!

SALEM? MARLBORO? CHESTERFIELD? We could sell 'em to the tobacco companies and they wouldn't even have to change the names! I bet D'Angelo would be willing to go to war with Subway and Quisno's for the rights to SANDWICH. And Alka Seltzer would pony up a pretty penny for BELCHERTOWN.

(I dread to think what the folks from Preparation H could do with ATHOL, but we need the bucks.)

We could even throw out a few bones to registered philanthropies. ACTON could become The Aids Acton Committee. DUXBURY could be known as Ducks Unlimited Bury. How about Save The WALES? READING Is Fundamental But That's Not How You Pronounce This Town.

Selling just ONE name to only ONE company would make us all millionaires. MasterCardAchusetts. I rest my case.

I own this CD. All I can think of, whenever I look at the cover, is that somebody in the Columbia Records art department must have been royally pissed at Goodman. "Here's my chance to shove that clarinet of his right up his ass!"

Tomorrow, the Boston Celtics play the Minnesota Timberwolves. I marked this on my calendar as "New Celtics vs. Old Celtics." This is because the Timberwolves have something like 6 ex-Celtics on their roster, the most notable being Al Jefferson (seen lurking in the background of the above picture.)

The calendar I marked it on came from a funeral home. MY WIFE had gone to pay her respects to a relative of a friend, and they had Pope John Paul II calendars - free for the taking - in the lobby on the way out. She knew I needed a calendar for my office, so she grabbed one. It's rather nice, actually. It has lots of room on each date to write notes concerning things of importance, such as when the current Celtics play their alumni. Since it is a Catholic calendar, it also has the feast dates of various saints included.

As I was writing "New Celtics vs. Old Celtics" in the space for January 25th, I noticed that it was also The Feast of the Conversion of Saint Paul. I won't pretend to know enough about Paul Pierce's character to make a judgment concerning his eligibility for sainthood, but I did somehow find it rather fitting. And maybe that's a halo he's wearing, not a sweatband, eh?

Let's see. Anything else of importance to say?

Oh, yes.

Soon, with more better stuff.


Rhea said...

Athol has always made me laugh. I feel sorry for anyone who lives there.

lime said...

your wife is brilliant. we kept the casinos out until that cheesesteak sucking ape ed rendell became governor and gladly sold us to the casinos. PA already has some seriously weird names of towns. if it would have kept the casinos out i'd gladly have let my home town be renamed preparation h.

ah, and ya do clean up nicely. i'm impressed

Melinda said...

MASTERCARD-achussetts?!! I didn't even read the rest of your post yet - had to comment on that first.

Utterly brilliant.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

OK, too funny! I found myself laughing out loud and thought I could come up with some good ones myself. Alas, I'm whipped and dead-tired, so I will leave the creative town sales to you.

thesouthender said...

How about ChelmsFord Focus? Fig Newton?

True story: Upon meeting a college friend of mine, my 86-year-old grandmother asked where he was from. He replied "Athol," to which she responded "You don't thay!" said...

Man, I hope more than anything that you get that "crazy" job! What a hoot it would be to see you on the big screen and shout out in the theater "Hey, I know that guy!"

Thanks for the comments "down under" and for the purchase.

Please know that the paperback version is I hope you didn't go for the hardcover, unless you really wanted it.

I updated the text last evening, so the next printing should be up to date.

When we meet at the academy awards dinner, I'll buy you a beer of two! said...

Just in case you don't revisit blog comments:

Much my brother in law has been known to say!

Sul...I do appreciate, and it's not the little profit I might make, it's knowing someone cares enough to want something I've created for themselves. It really means a lot...I suppose that comes from the "daddy thing"...still need that feedback!

I also, wish you would consider documenting your tales as well. You are a "cesspool" of information on many subjects that people would really buy!

Jeni said...

I just "stumbled" across your blog yesterday and added you to my reader - too funny, just too doggone funny! Loved your town name suggestions! (Among other things -all good, though.)

Merisi said...

Ah, the possibilities, wished I had come up with the concept!

There's this little village in Austria, stuck with a name that rhymes with looking. Your wife's brilliant idea could not only make the folks there rich, but let them get rid of a name they are burdened with since 1070 (yes, ten-seventy!). How does AmExing sound, btw?

Anonymous said...

Darn you!!! Now I can't look at an advertisement without trying to connect it with a town. How are these?
Marthas VineYARDLEY
ZICAMbridgestone (2 for the price of one)
CHAPaquiddic STICK
AIR Bourne
and these were just while I was trying hard to sleep in this morning, darn you again.

Suldog said...

Thanks, everybody! When you read my mother's comments, you know where I got much of my sense of humor - for better or worse. Chicken of the SEAKONK? Oh, my. Too funny!