Irresolute

I don't do resolutions.

(Revolutions, yes. Resolutions, no.)

I see no point in setting myself up to be even more disappointed in myself than I already am. I refuse to make a bunch of promises I know I won't keep.

Hey, wait a minute! Maybe I can use reverse psychology on myself! Yeah, that's the ticket!

(This is a pretty flimsy text for a bit, even for me. Play along. What have you got to lose aside from the five minutes of your life that you'll never get back?)

MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

* I resolve to smoke at least 7,500 cigarettes in the coming year.

(Oops! It's a leap year. Make that 7,520.)

* I resolve to gain another 10 pounds before Easter.

* I resolve to never change the oil in my car until it is at least 200 miles past the time when I should have done so.

* I resolve to wear cloth sneakers, at least one time, in both a driving rainstorm and a raging blizzard.

* I resolve to eat red meat at least 100 times in 2008.

* I resolve to let some broccoli rot in the vegetable compartment of my refrigerator.

* I resolve to watch the Three Stooges at least 10 times when I could be doing something new and different.

* I resolve to leave the sidewalk and driveway unshoveled following a major snowstorm, thus ensuring that my car will be stuck for a week and that there will be no mail delivery during the same timespan.

* I resolve to follow up every decent blog posting with some piece of crap that will drive away whatever readers I accumulated with the good stuff.

* I resolve to curse and swear and throw temper tantrums whenever the tiniest and most insignificant things happen to upset me. Specifically, I shall continue to cry whenever I spill milk.

* I resolve to take three-hour naps every Saturday, rather than getting outside for some exercise and sunshine.

* I resolve to never walk anywhere so long as my car has gas in it.

* I resolve to drink as much coffee as there is in the pot, and then to make another pot. I resolve to use cream and sugar in every cup. I resolve to put a cigarette out in at least one mug during the coming year.

* I resolve to let the laundry pile up until it overflows the hamper.

* I resolve to eat an entire beef stick summer sausage, in one sitting, at least six times.

* Having retired from competitive sports, I resolve to do absolutely nothing during the times when I would have been playing softball, except eat beef stick summer sausages, drink coffee with cream and sugar, watch the Three Stooges, and smoke.

I've never yet kept a New Years resolution. Next year at this time, I should be the healthiest man alive. Wish me no luck in keeping them.

Soon (next year, really) with more better stuff.