Here are the rest of the jokes.
What jokes? Why, the jokes to which these punch lines are... the punch lines. And of which these jokes were the first half.
Here's the other half. Put two halves together and you get a whole, which is probably where these should buried. Deeply.
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An 85-year-old woman calls the police and reports that sheÂ’s seen a naked man walking around in front of his window. The police send someone to check it out.
A policeman arrives and goes up to her apartment. He takes a look out of her window and sees nothing. The policeman says:
"I'm sorry, lady, but I don't see any naked man."
"Oh, goodness, you can't see him from there! You have to stand on the bureau and turn your head just so..."
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The next batch of jokes is about as hideously insensitive as they come. I present them here only as a public service, you understand.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the ocean?
A: Bob.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs on your doorstep?
A: Matt.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on your wall?
A: Art.
Q: What do you call a dog with no arms or legs?
A: You don't call him anything. He's not going to come to you anyway.
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And the next bunch is from the class of jokes known as "Elephant Jokes". I love them. Your mileage may vary.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Look at the elephants coming over the hill!"
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing dark glasses?
A: He didn't say anything. He didn't recognize them.
Q: How can you tell if there's been an elephant in your refrigerator?
A: By the footprints in the Jell-O.
Q: Where does a 700-pound gorilla sleep?
A: Anywhere he wants to.
Q: What's yellow, weighs 800 pounds, and goes "CHIRP! CHIRP!"
A: Two 400-pound canaries.
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From The Henny Youngman Collection...
I went to the doctor. He told me to go over by the window and stick out my tongue.
I said, "Why? Is the light better there?"
"No, I'm mad at my neighbor."
"Doctor, it hurts when I do this."
"Then don't do that."
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Fellow with a suitcase goes to a talent agency, where he sees two agents. He says he's got the greatest act in the world. The two agents say, "OK, show us your act."
The fellow opens up his suitcase and pulls out a gallon of kerosene, a gallon of turpentine, a gallon of gasoline, and a book of matches. He swallows the kerosene, then he swallows the turpentine, and then he swallows the gasoline. He lights a match and swallows it. He blows himself to smithereens.
One agent turns to the other one and says, "Well, sure, it's a great act, but what does he do for an encore?"
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"Did you take a shower this morning?"
"Why? Is there one missing?"
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And now, for the grand finale, some waiter jokes.
"Waiter! Your thumb is in my soup!"
"Well, it's infected and my doctor told me to soak it in warm liquid."
"Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"
"Shhhhh! Everybody will want one!"
"Waiter! What is this fly doing in my soup?"
"The backstroke, I think."
"Waiter! Bring me some runny scrambled eggs, two slices of soggy toast, some greasy lukewarm bacon, a glass of orange juice with pits in it and a cold cup of coffee."
"Sir, I can't serve you that!"
"Well, why not? That's what you served me yesterday."
"Waiter! Bring me two slices of burnt toast and a rotten egg."
"Burnt toast and a rotten egg?"
"Yeah, I got a tapeworm and it's good enough for him!"
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Tomorrow, with more better stuff.
(I think that's what I promised you yesterday, too. I don't know if you can trust me.)
4 comments:
More better is good. Less better is still good. Or better. I'm confused....in a good way.
Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
To hide in the cherry tree!
To continue the men with no arms and no legs jokes:
... under the car?
Jack.
... in the window?
There's two of them. Curt and Rod (say it out loud).
... being pulled behind a boat?
Skip.
... in the leaves?
Russell.
... on your air conditioner?
Two here also. Norm and Max.
... in the bathroom?
John.
... on the grill?
Frank. Unless it's a woman. Then it's Patty.
/I am so very, very sorry.
In an Irish bog?
Pete.
(You need a bit of specialized knowledge for that one, but it's the best I could come up with as rejoinder on short notice. I never heard the Curt/Rod one. That's a keeper, for sure.)
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