Monday, October 02, 2006
I'm sitting down here to write, but I have nothing particular in mind to write about. I'm trusting that I can improvise well enough to keep you entertained.
"But, Bullwinkle, that trick never works!"
"This time for sure! Nothing up my sleeve! Presto!"
(Outdated cartoon reference. Good start.)
I could easily knock off four or five pages talking about something or other in sports. However, any time I go off on that tangent, I know I lose about half of you immediately. What's the matter with you people? Why don't you like the same exact things I do? Just because most of you don't give a tinker's damn about Boston College football is no reason to abandon me. Is that love? No, not at all. And just what is a tinker's damn, anyway? For that matter, what in hell is a tinker? A Rodin statue in Ireland?
(This is going downhill mighty fast. I'd better slam on the brakes.)
(Actually, with puns like that, I've probably lost all of you except for the skimmers. Skimmers suck. I work like hell to craft something interesting, choosing each word carefully for succinctness and flavor and they only read every fourth line or so, getting just the gist of the piece, which with my stuff isn't much. Basically, the gist of everything I've written is this: I'm a self-involved self-important self-abusing ex-doper, with little real direction or ambition in life, so it's no wonder I'm floundering. I should just clam up. I'm probably giving you a haddock, but it's nothing personal. I'm just doing it for the halibut. Surely, salmon cares enough about me to keep on reading, even if it is getting hard to figure a trout. I know you're being scrod, and I didn't even buy you dinner first. Sorry! But I'm just flexing my punning mussels, so stop being such a crab.)
Yikes! Be that as it may - and it usually is - I've got to come up with something better than that if I want to keep your attention. How about a succession of punch lines with no preceding jokes? Yeah, that should keep you busy while I'm figuring out what else to do.
"I'm sorry. I can't hear you. I've got a banana in my ear."
"That's why it's the meanest animal in the jungle..."
"I don't know, either, but there's one crawling on your shoulder."
"That? That's the beer that made Milfamey walk us."
"Your mother's on the roof."
"You don't eat a pig like that all at once."
"OK, you're a taxi."
"To get to the other side."
"To hold his pants up."
"He wanted to make time fly."
"A sunburned zebra."
"A nun falling down some stairs."
"A penguin being ripped to shreds by a polar bear in a tuxedo."
"$25 an hour, if he's in the union."
"About three pounds, on average."
"Cut off his nose."
"And at these prices, you won't get many more, either!"
"Maybe I should have said 'DiMaggio?'"
"Not so fast, Johnson."
"Silly Rabbi! Kicks are for trids!"
"Because it's so hard to get the cows to squat over those tiny cartons."
"And such small portions, too!"
"Yeah, next year we're going someplace else."
"I make it up in volume."
"Well, I said 'Kidleys', didle I?"
"I'm a bus driver, lady, not a doctor. Try soaking it in some cold water."
"Oh, goodness, you can't see him from there! You have to stand on the bureau and turn your head just so..."
"You don't call him anything. He's not going to come to you anyway."
"Look at the elephants coming over the hill!"
"He didn't say anything. He didn't recognize them."
"By the footprints in the Jell-O."
"Anywhere he wants to."
"Two 400 pound canaries."
"No, I'm mad at my neighbor."
"Then don't do that."
"Well, sure, it's a great act, but what does he do for an encore?"
"Why? Is there one missing?"
"Well, it's infected and my doctor told me to soak it in warm liquid."
"Shhhhh! Everybody will want one!"
"The backstroke, I think."
"Well, why not? That's what you served me yesterday."
"Yeah, I got a tapeworm and it's good enough for him!"
And this certainly isn't good enough for you, my faithful reader. But it's all you're getting. Sorry!
See you tomorrow.