Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The Previous Day's Jokes


I knew, as soon as I started writing a bunch of stand-alone punchlines, that I'd have to type up the jokes at some point. It was utterly inconceivable that anyone else would know the exact same set of bad old jokes that I do.

So, here are the jokes - or, at least, most of them. In order to save typing time (as well as what's left of my sanity) I'll refer you to some other pages and/or websites for a few of them. That way, if you already know one, you can just scroll merrily along to the next joke instead of slogging your way through the rather lengthy and painful telling of it.

(By the way, so far as I know, Abbott & Costello never told a single one of these. However, a great many of them sound like they could have been told by them, so I figured, "Hey, why NOT a picture of them?")

Groaning is acceptable.

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"Excuse me, sir, but you've got a banana in your ear."

"What?"

"I said you've got a banana in your ear."

"What?"

"I SAID YOU'VE GOT A BANANA IN YOUR EAR!"

"I'm sorry. I can't hear you. I've got a banana in my ear."

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"Hey, do you know what's the meanest animal in the jungle?"

"Sure, that would be the liger."

"The liger?"

"Yeah, it's got the head of a lion on one end and the head of a tiger on the other."

"The head of a lion on one end and the head of a tiger on the other? Then how does it take a shit?"

"That's why it's the meanest animal in the jungle..."

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"What has 28 legs, is green and purple, furry, and has a gigantic stinger?"

"I don't know. What has 28 legs, is green and purple, furry, and has a gigantic stinger?"

"I don't know, either, but there's one crawling on your shoulder."

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The baseball game was in the bottom of the ninth inning. The Red Sox were trailing, 3 - 0, with two outs, but they had the bases loaded. The Royals manager made a call to the bullpen. In came their ace reliever, Paul Milfamey.

Milfamey took the mound, staggering slightly. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a can. He took a big gulp from the can and returned it to his back pocket. He threw four straight balls to Ortiz, driving in a run. He took another slug from the can in his back pocket. He threw four straight balls to Ramirez, driving in another run. He took the can out of his pocket and drank some more. He tossed four straight balls to Lowell. Finally, he gave Nixon another base on balls, and the game was over. The Red Sox won, 4 -3.

Milfamey walked off the mound. As he did so, he took the can from his back pocket and finished the contents. He then tossed the can on the ground and stumbled into the clubhouse.

Nixon turned to Lowell and said, "What was in that can?"

Lowell replied, "That? That was the beer that made Milfamey walk us."

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A man goes on vacation and the next door neighbor agrees to keep an eye on his house, his cat and his elderly mother.

The man calls to check on things periodically. Everything is fine until the fifth day. When he calls that day, the neighbor tells him that the cat died. The man is in shock and he asks how it happened. The neighbor responds that he doesn't know - the cat just died.

The man says, "How could you just blurt out news like that? You know I loved that cat. You should have let me down easy. Today when I called, you could have said that the cat went out the upstairs window and is on the roof, but you think the cat will come back in. You could then tell me, the next day, that you've called the fire department to try and get the cat down from the roof. Finally, you could tell me the rescue went poorly and the cat died. But by then I'd be ready for the bad news because you would have set me up for it gently. Understand?"
"Yes."

"OK, I'm sorry I got upset at you. Now, how's my mother?"

"Your mother's on the roof."

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Pig with a wooden leg.

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"Call me a taxi."

"OK, you're a taxi."

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I'm skipping the next 7 punchlines. If you don't know the jokes that go with these punchlines, then you just plain haven't been paying attention in your life. Everyone knows these jokes by the time they're three years old, whether they want to or not. It's the law or something.

(Well, OK, maybe not the nuns joke or the polar bear and penguin joke, but it's the same set up as the previous two. Black, white, red all over? OK.)

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"That's a Grecian Urn."

(alternate: "That's a Henway.")

"What's a Grecian Urn?" (or, "What's a Henway?")

"$25 an hour, if he's in the union"

("About three pounds, on average.")

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"How do you stop a dog from smelling?"

"Cut off his nose."

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A giraffe walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender brings the giraffe a beer and says, "That'll be twelve dollars."

The bartender then says, "You know, we don't get many giraffes in here."

The giraffe says, "And at these prices, you won't get many more, either!"

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(This joke is better said than written, but here it is anyway.)

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "OK. Sure, pal. Go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Ruff!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

The bartender, annoyed, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "Maybe I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"

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The commandant of the army camp gets a message that Private Johnson's mother has died. He calls in Private Johnson's commanding officer. He tells him the bad news and asks him to relay it to Johnson. He asks that the news be broken gently.

The officer says, "Don't worry. Leave it to me. I'm very good at this sort of thing."

The officer goes to Private Johnson's barracks. He tells all of the men:

"Line up in alphabetical order."

The men do so.

"OK, all of you men who have a mother that's still living, take one step forward."

The men start to do it, when the officer says:

"Not so fast, Johnson."

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A little village of Trids had built their well on top of a hill. An evil troll took over the hill and wouldn't let the Trids get any water. Every Trid that went up the hill was kicked down by the troll. Frustrated, the Trids asked the local Rabbi for help. He climbed the hill and got the water without any trouble from the troll. When he went back up the hill he asked the troll why he hadn't kicked him down the hill. The troll replied:

"Silly Rabbi! Kicks are for Trids!"

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"Why is cream so much more expensive than milk?"

"Because it's so hard to get the cows to squat over those tiny cartons."

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"Ugh. Why do we keep coming here to eat. The food is horrible."

"And such small portions, too."

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"This year, we went on an around-the world cruise."

"An around-the world cruise? How exciting!"

"Not really. The service was terrible and just about everybody we met was rude."

"Gee , that's too bad."

"Yeah, next year we're going someplace else."

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Scroll down. You'll see it.

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Man walks into a butcher shop. He says, "I'd like a pound of kidleys, please."

The butcher says, "Don't you mean 'kidneys'?"

Man says, "Well, I said 'Kidleys', didle I?"

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(Usually a longer set up, but I'm supposed to be back to work by now.)

A woman is coming home from the grocery store. She has a speech impediment.

She gets on the bus. The bus goes over a bump. Her bottle of aspirin flies out the window.

"My asburn! My asburn!"

"I'm a bus driver, lady, not a doctor. Try soaking it in some cold water."

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And on that - probably the worst joke of the lot - I bid you a fond farewell until tomorrow. I might write out the rest of them then. Or I might not. It might be safer for the world if I don't.

See you then.

2 comments:

James Cooper said...

Haha, classics.

Didn't the character of Data do the kidleys one in an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation? I seem to recall it in that scenario...

Melinda said...

heehee
I can promise you that some of these jokes would totally crack up the kids in my class - they're going to think i'm a comic genius ;)

Then again, they think somebody burping the alphabet is the pinnacle of hilarity...

cheers!