Thursday, June 21, 2012

THE LAST DAMN AWARD



Despite what I said ten days ago, some dim bulbs insist that I should keep on accepting awards. Today's 15-watt porch light is Quirkyloon. Here's a photo of her enjoying a wombat in her underwear.




And here's the award.




These virtual cases of chlamydia always come with rules, which is one of the reasons I despise them. Do they ask you to follow some absurd set of rules when you receive an Oscar, an Emmy, or a Tony? NO! As a matter of fact, when you receive a Tony, it explicitly says on the statue that you never have to follow the rules again (unless you're straight, in which case they check to see how the voting got screwed up.) So why, in order to display one of these armpit pimples on your blog, should you have to list Six Things You Ate That Were Still Alive? Or even Reveal What You Wore The Last Time You Had Sex With A Human?

Fie!

(Which would be a good thing to yell in a crowded theater in order to see if anyone was truly listening.)

(Now, THAT'S a non sequitur what is one!)

Anyway, one of the hideous rules connected with this particular internet equivalent of toe jam is that the recipient is supposed to pass it along to seven other unsuspecting and otherwise peaceful individuals in an effort to see that everyone with a computer eventually ends up with this pussy rash.

(That's pussy, as in filled with pus, and not the vulgarity for the female sexual organs, although if I know my audience, that's how each and every one of you pronounced it on the first read.)

When Quirkyloon, an otherwise harmless molester of zombie wombats, foisted this fetid pile of stink cheese on me, here's what she said:

Suldog... is funny and wise. And he LOATHES awards and will ROAST you if you bestow one upon him. Let's see if he READS this post, cuz I ain't gonna tell him.

Me? Funny and wise? That tells you right there just how much of both of those superlatives she has on board, which is to say she is equivalent to Pooh.

(That would be Pooh, the bear of very little brain, as opposed to pooh, the shit. Still, if I know my audience, you're probably long gone by now, so why am I still typing?)

Well, first off, I figure there might be a few [hundred] of you who are glad to see anything from me that doesn't mention softball. A couple others have fallen asleep in their chairs, and I like to hear myself talk, so wot the hell.

Anyways, here's the thing:



Hah! If I know my audience, half of you don't get it and the other half are saying, "It's a proper name, so it should have been capitalized, like "Pooh" was."

*SNORT*

And now that I've finished my last line of coke, we'll go on. You see, I don't have anything more than what I've already given you, which, you have to admit, hasn't been all that and a bag of chips. However, I do have a very large backlog of USED insults from when I accepted other awards in the past, so I'm just going to trot a bunch of 'em out on the stage now and you can decide if they apply to Quirkyloon or not. I don't give a rat's ass whether they do because I've done my job here, as shoddily and haphazardly as I'm allowed under union blogging rules, and I'm going home now. Before I go, though, I am telling you the stone-cold absolute bottom-line truth:

THE NEXT PERSON WHO GIVES ME AN AWARD WILL BE TREATED SO VICIOUSLY, SO INHUMANELY, SO VASTLY WORSE THAN THIS, THAT IT WILL MAKE HAVING YOUR FACE SET ON FIRE AND TROD UPON BY A SPIKED BOOT SEEM CHEERFUL AND LOVING BY COMPARISON.

(Or maybe I'll just ignore it, which is what I could have done with this award, but I truly like Quirky, she asked for it, and I always try to be kind to the dull-witted.)

OK, here come the old insults! Few of them will make any sense in the current context, but so am I.

"Being a blogger deemed worthy of note by Quirky is similar to being a food item declared healthy by a sack full of Twinkies."

"I suppose Quirky is creative, in the same way that a vicious dog leaving a cat only three legs to hobble around on is creative, but that does little to swell the dog’s reputation and leaves you with somewhat less of a cat. In certain circles, that might qualify as art."

"Next up on this edition of World's Dumbest Criminals is Quirkyloon. Quirky hails from Neptune, and her hobbies include pretending she's Queen Elizabeth and fondling herself."

"I'm wracking my brain trying to come up with just exactly what type of gift Quirky might have, other than the ability to induce type-2 diabetes, but I think the idea is to just acknowledge that such gifts exist in all of us, even if when we put on a jumper and sandals we become the stuff of a bad STP trip."

"To be singled out, in her estimation, as funny, is certainly an honor that ranks up there with, say, being named starting first baseman for the 1963 Washington Senators."

"Too easy a target. I mean, sure, I could sit around all day bashing Quirky, but where's the sport in that? I'd have her skewered before she could wipe the tobacco drool off of her chin. It would be like... well, like making fun of Texans or lesbians. All they have to do is show up and it's funny. I don't have to say a damn thing."

(End of old insults, all of which were re-cycled even before this, as My Darker Grey Friend, Michelle, knows. Sad. Truly and officially sad. I'm quoting myself quoting myself quoting myself. Even Truman Capote never sank that low.)

Of course, I could have saved all of us some trouble if I had remembered earlier that I already received this award and just sent you to read the post I wrote back then. But, I didn't. I'll try to give you back these ten minutes some other day.

Thanks bunches, Quirky. If I know my audience, I now don't have one. My reputation has been destro... well, no, my reputation is pretty much bulletproof, unfortunately, so never mind.

Moon, with snore butter muff.

(Why not? It makes as much sense as anything else here.)



26 comments:

haphazardlife said...

I almost wish I had an award to bestow upon you to see what you could come up with!

innominatus said...

That's the most entertaining thing I've read in a long while. Think I'm gonna go invent some new awards to give you...

joeh said...

So now I have to follow Quirkyloon!

Babs said...

I've don't understand the purpose of an award for blogging. I appreciate the work people put into their blogs and the photos as well. Love the step by step with the cooking... The thought behind the awards are nice but
the speeches that follow are the worst part..
I'll give you an attaboy if you were closer I'd bake a cake for you and your wife, but that's it.

Stephen Hayes said...

Well, Quirky acknowledged that you hated awards but she was going to give you one anyway, and she expected to be the subject of your wrath. You didn't prove her wrong. I was also the recipient of her generosity and also received this award. I just said, "Thanks." Know this, Mr. Suldog: If you ever receive an award from me, and you just might, it will mean that I've had a massive stroke. I won't even be able to comprehend the insults. Ha!

Karen said...

Funny stuff. Cooking blogs had those types of awards going around 3 or 4 years ago, and I occasionally still see people handing them out, but I hated them and just (im)politely ignored them. And yes, I'm one who was glad this wasn't about baseball ;)

Craig said...

Wouldn't Uranus have been even more, um, fitting (HAH!) than Neptune? (And I don't even care if you pronounce it yer-ANUS or URINE-us; either way, you know, it's all good. . .)

Maggie May said...

Definitely you deserve the Kreativ Blogger award. Even your insults are creative but most of us will see that beneath them there is LOVE! You couldn't be vicious if you tried.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Christine Macdonald said...

If there were an award for great posts about not liking awards, you'd win.

Quirkyloon said...

HA!

All I can say is: FIE!

HA!

And for the record myanus is MINE and not up for grabs or comments.

heh heh

You didn't let me down Suldog.

I just love feeling the vitriol.

But then again I am quirky.

HA!

Thanks for the roast. Now I need a Diet Dr. Pepper. heh heh

Ami said...

Wait... what?

Eddie Bluelights said...

LOL. I'm back from the wilderness to read this after your well deserved Kreative Award from Quirkyloon. I seem to remember you had an earler Kreative Award bestowed on you LOL. I've really missed these Suldog rants - so much so I am seriously considering giving you another award LOL.

Thanks for the visit and comment! I am OK thanks and hope to return to BlogLand soon.

Eddie Bluelights said...

LOL. I'm back from the wilderness to read this after your well deserved Kreative Award from Quirkyloon. I seem to remember you had an earler Kreative Award bestowed on you LOL. I've really missed these Suldog rants - so much so I am seriously considering giving you another award LOL.

Thanks for the visit and comment! I am OK thanks and hope to return to BlogLand soon.

messymimi said...

You gave me a much needed smile.

Gail Dixon (Louisiana Belle) said...

So wickedly hilarious!

lime said...

i feel a strange sense of kinship with quirkyloon ;)

and yes, you know your audience well...this memer of it, at least.

Michelle H. said...

Strange... it's like I read those insults before...

Lora said...

Probably the best blog post I've read this week! Maybe I need to find some new blogs..... ;)

Barbara Shallue said...

You know us so well, it's scary! You can rest assured I'll never give you an award - not because of the insults, but because I'm too lazy to do all of the requirements and acknowledgments! (I haven't actually gotten an award in a long time, but that's okay with me!)

Buck said...

Hey... Are you for hire in the highly unlikely event I get an award?

silly rabbit said...

Thank you for accepting this award. I always enjoy your rants and insults. You sling them so well!

The Broad said...

Ho! Ho! Ho! The old Sulldog we all know and love ... XXX

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Oh, man, reminded me of a note I actually got from a teacher when she sent a student to the nurse's office, and I SWEAR this is verbatim...

"Student has pussy finger, smells funny."

Pussy. As in filled with pus. Once I realized what it meant, I laughed for an hour.

Chris@Knucklehead! said...

Ah ha! I remember the "sack full of Twinkies" line. HILARIOUS.

And Snore Butter Muff would be a great name for a rock band.

Hilary said...

Oh it isn't your last award. There will no doubt be more. This one suits you. Your acceptance of these awards is indeed creative.

Jackie said...

"15-watt porch light" made me smile.
Where do you come up with these insults?
Such a funny guy, you are.
You know I luv ya and would never give you an award 'cause my heart couldn't take it. I have always and will always continue to think of you as Sweet Suldog. And that's the truth (said in my best Edith Ann voice.)