Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Enchilda Van Vechten



My good internet friend, Lime, gave me an award.



If you're one of the masochists who has been coming here for years, then you know that I long ago gave up accepting awards. The short story, since few of you will have clicked onto the link for the long version, is that I got tired of spewing venom upon those kind souls who gave them to me. It was my practice to heap insults and humiliation on the poor suckers, and while most victims of the abuse asked for it and reveled in it, once or twice the person on the receiving end didn't understand the humorous intent and had been basically brought to tears by what they perceived as a truly mean and rude reaction by a self-confessed Christian and a fanatic about Mister Rogers. So, I said, "Enough is too much!", and stopped accepting the damn things.

Lime is my good friend, however, and she pretty much begged to be abused, so I accepted her award and promised to barbecue her. That was three weeks ago. I have not been able to work up enough vitriolic pressure to do so. That's probably due to my softball teams winning most of their games. I'm too happy a guy to call her a despicable and overbearing wart on the hindquarters of humanity. I just don't feel like tearing her a new one (and, anyway, she lives in West Bumfuck, PA, and thinks a thesaurus is what you get on your lips when you kiss a T Rex with herpes, so why bother?)

I did promise her a post, though, so I hope her nasty and brutish disposition will allow her to accept what follows in the hideous spirit intended. It is a re-run, from six years ago, and if paying back her kindness with a moldy old re-run isn't insult enough for her, then I don't know my business and she can go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut (except she's a she, so I think she'd have to be the rolling donut and somebody else will have to take the flying fuck and if anybody is in the vicinity with a camera, I'll pay good money.)

Wow! That was worse than the stuff that made other people cry, so maybe I'm just a rotten person and should kill myself for the betterment of everyone else?

Nah! Here's the old stuff. By the way, it's a recipe for...



ENCHILDA VAN VECHTEN


The enchilda (misspellicus enchilada) is the only mammal native to the continent of Antarctica. It was discovered in 1995 by the brilliant yet extremely alcoholic zoologist, Kenneth Van Vechten. Until that time, he had been best known for his work in the field of animal husbandry. Then one day they caught him at it (see Lehrer for details) and he had to skip town, so he headed to Antarctica.



While in Antarctica, Van Vechten stumbled upon the enchilda, literally. In a blind stupor one evening, he went to take a whiz behind a handy iceberg and tripped over the only known colony of the creatures. He estimated that there were 2 million enchilda in the colony. Later (sober) counts put the number at 403.

The general consensus among the scientific community, upon being informed by Van Vechten of his discovery, was one of disbelief. This was because he had previously “discovered” giant pink rabbits. This time, though, he had taken pictures that actually showed something other than his disheveled living room strewn with tequila bottles. Upon seeing these newer photographs, the scientific community said, "Bleah!"

A full-grown adult enchilda weighs 75 pounds, most of that weight being in the legs. This is because it has 12 legs, each approximately 30 inches long. It has been postulated by some that it developed multiple legs in an evolutionary response to its environment. It has been postulated by others that the original postulators are full of shit and that God just has a tremendous sense of humor. In any case, the legs do aid in locomotion over ice and snow.

A thick pelt of white hair covers the body of the enchilda. This is the reason for its not having been discovered sooner, since it blends into the Antarctican background so readily. Either that or every scientist who visited Antarctica prior to Van Vechten must have been on the crack pipe to have missed these hideous creatures.


[The Antarctican night is the best time for viewing enchilda, as their pure white pelts make them almost invisible during the daytime.]


Perhaps the most interesting thing about the enchilda is its reproductive cycle. All enchilda are bisexual and hermaphroditic. They are born with five each of male sexual organs and five each of female sexual organs. They do not become sexually mature until they reach exactly six years of age. At precisely midnight on the day of their maturity, they indulge in a gigantic community orgy. Each enchilda copulates with ten other enchilda in an amazing daisy chain that ends with an explosive group orgasm at dawn.

Enchilda copulation always results in pregnancy and the gestation period is three hours. At 9:36 am, every pregnant enchilda makes its way down to the sea, dives into the water, gives birth, and then dies. They all give birth to one new enchilda, thus the population is static.

Until Van Vechten came along the dead enchilda were all eaten by whales. Van Vechten, having done a miserable job of planning for his food needs (he had packed 15 cases of tequila and two jelly donuts) decided to see if the enchilda were edible.

As it turns out, the answer was yes and no. Fully mature enchilda, having given birth and died, become both completely edible and utterly delicious. However, the non-mature-yet-to-have-sex-and-give-birth enchilda are fatally poisonous. Thus, since the only edible enchilda is one that has died of natural causes, the enchilda is the only animal approved for eating by PETA.

Since enchilda mate and give birth once - and only once - every six years, the window of opportunity for eating enchilda is limited. Due to their severe physiology, it is impossible to freeze an enchilda; they all must be harvested and eaten fresh. In addition, they rot in less than twenty minutes once exposed to warm-weather bacterial forms, so it is impossible at this time to eat them anywhere on Earth except their native land. The next enchilda orgy will occur on March 19th of 2014, so the following recipe is useless unless you plan on being in Antarctica on that date.

(It should also be noted that the enchilda-eating whales are so intent on their once-every-six-years feast they will actually pursue onto the ice sheet anyone who tries to poach “their” enchilda. Unfortunately, this is how Van Vechten met his demise. After eating an enchilda, he was himself eaten by a pissed-off whale.)

So, on to the recipe. Here’s what you’ll need:

1 Fully Matured (Dead And Sexually Satisfied) Enchilda
1 Very Heavy Cast Iron Frying Pan


That’s about it. The frying pan is for fighting off the whales. Whack 'em over the head with it if they get close to you.

As for the enchilda, they taste exactly like a medium rare strip sirloin when raw, so that’s the best way to eat them. When you cook one, it tastes like Spackle. The only exception is the spleen, which after cooking tastes like licorice bubble gum. And nobody in their right mind eats the liver; even the whales spit it out. The middle toe on the fifth left leg is considered a delicacy, but nobody knows why.

******************************************************************

I hope that satisfies you, bitch (though I have no earthly idea why it would.)

Soon, with more bitter stuff.



23 comments:

Craig said...

Lissen, I know for a fact that Lime is from EAST Bumfuck; there is no West Bumfuck. . .

And Lime-as-rolling-donut. . . Nope, not gonna go there. . . I think she might still count me as a friend; best leave it be. . .

And good Lord, Jim. . . I thought I knew for sure where you were gonna go with the 'edible-ness' of the enchilda, especially with five matched pairs of genitalia; sheesh. I mean, why do they need ten other enchilda for an orgy? Hell, they could have an orgy all by themselves! And, only FIVE?? Hell, with twelve legs, wouldn't they at least have one set in the crotch between each adjacent pair of legs? That would be six, if the male sets alternated with the female ones. Or, they could have a matched pair of male/female genitalia in each crotch; so that would be twelve pairs. But FIVE? Makes no sense. . .

(And is it a coincidence that 'enchilda' is only one missing letter from 'enchilada'? Were you eating Mexican when you originally wrote this? If so, what was her name?)

Daryl Edelstein said...

Lime as a donut .... I'm not going there

Hilary said...

You're like a Monty Python skit all to yourself - only some DO come here for abuse. No argument. :)

messymimi said...

Funny, and i promise not to award you anything but my attention when i read your posts.

lime said...

i am indeed satisfied, perhaps not as much as an enchilda (which i read as enchilada for the first paragraph, but what do you expect from the west bumfuck educational system, it's lucky i can read at all) after the sextenial orgy (kinda nice how that six year interval works out so nicely linguistically) but satisfied such that i am not lifting my head from the pillow and calling you a 3 hump chump.

and just for the record, worse men than you have called me a despicable and overbearing wart on the hindquarters of humanity, but coming from you i know it's an expression of love. so take that, you festering pustule on the impossibly small member of your least favorite politician.

and craig needs to be set straight, i AM from west bumfuck because i would not even consider associating with the toothless, missing-link denizens of east bumfuck. they think enchilda liver is a delicacy!

finally, can hugh jackman take the flying fuck at this rolling donut? no? fine. see if i ever award you again!

in other words, i laughed my way through the full post and now feel fortified to deal with the public for the next couple of weeks before i run away for vacation. thanks!

Jeni said...

misspellicus? Where on earth did you find THAT word? Maybe I should never ask you where you got/found anything for fear of what answer you might post in return, huh? But I will have to remember that word for sure -I can probably use if from time to time when I correct the spellings my kids let fly with every now and again.

Craig said...

I must have an out-of-date map. . .

Michelle H. said...

However, the non-mature-yet-to-have-sex-and-give-birth enchilda are fatally poisonous.

How would Van Vechten know that they were poisonous unless he ate one? And wouldn't PETA get involved over it being animal cruelty if the whale died from eating a poison Van Vechten?

I don't remember reading this one. An enjoyable read despite it being an award that you accepted while claiming not to accept any more awards as you claim to spit out vitriol when you didn't actually spit out vitriol in a new post that is actually a rerun post.

Suldog said...

Sigh. There's one in every crowd...

Michelle - No, no, no. Van Vechten didn't eat an immature enchilda. He saw a whale try to eat one before it died. The whale dropped like a stone. When the other whale ate Van Vechten, he had just consumed one of the delicious dead enchilda. So there.

[sticks out tongue]

Buck said...

I hadn't read the enchilda post before, either. I like yer more bitter stuff.

Stephen Hayes said...

I wonder if the Abominable Snowman would use enchildas the way Richard Gere uses hamsters. I was just wondering....

i beati said...

help

Michelle H. said...

Touche!

Matt Conlon said...

A lime donut. Yeah, I'd try it. Can't be worse than the peanut butter and jelly donuts I saw up in Maine...

Craig said...

And, you know, 'Enchilda Van Vechten' reminds me of the Dutch girl who was an exchange student at my high school, back in the day. Man, that girl coud really. . .

Uh, nevermind. . .

Jackie said...

Huh?...
I've been really sick.
Perhaps the region of my brain that processes is still under the weather.

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

Enchilda-eating Whales WBAGNFARB

Suldog said...

Jackie - Me, too.

(Not really, but I just thought I'd make you feel better.)

IT - "I'm going to a concert."

"Oh, cool. Who you gonna see?"

"Enchilda-Eating Whales."

"Oh, yeah! Eew!"

Quirkyloon said...

HA! I can't tell you how much I enjoyed this. And I, too, kept on reading enchilada, instead of enchilda.

Hmm. Wonder if salsa would make it more palatable.

Hmm.

silly rabbit said...

I don't recall this one either. More proof... like I need it... that you are very entertainingly insane. I like that about you. =:]

Barbara Shallue said...

This was totally new to me, and even with the limited bit of Lime knowledge I have, I bet she loved it even if she's seen it before.

haphazardlife said...

It was about time you got a new award.

Babs said...

Huh?

lol, What?

I had to take a shower due to the b.s. I just waded through, I think.

So if she gave you a bag of rocks to give to Joey something Italian to permanently live with where the fishies swim you'd compliment her better? lol if nothing else it was definitely entertaining.
I always felt that way after watching the Twilight Zone....