Friday, March 13, 2009

NSFW





(Pretty snazzy artwork, eh? I'll have you know that's a Suldog original! I slaved over my drawing board for a good minute-and-a-half to come up with that.)

To the best of my recollection, I've held 28 different jobs. Here they are.

Paperboy, Blackjack Dealer, Carnival Barker, Shoe Salesman, Door-To-Door Salesman, Stock Clerk, Dishwasher, Musician (you could go here, among others), Drug Dealer, Cab Driver, Gambler, Courier, Bowler, School Bus Driver, Street Cleaner, Mail Room Clerk, Warehouse Worker, Security Guard, Garage Cleaner, Packer, Ice Cream Truck Driver, Proofreader, Fruit & Produce Delivery Driver, Medical Study Participant, Order Picker, Purchasing Clerk, Customer Service Agent, Catalog Writer, Voice-Overs & Commercial Production (my current gig).

My criteria for calling something a "job" is that I worked hard at it and also made money. So, if you want to argue, for instance, that dealing drugs isn't a job, I'll argue right back at you. Same goes for bowling, playing in a band, and gambling. Every one of the things mentioned above was something either I was hired to do or that I seriously tried to pursue as a career path, and it showed a profit, however meager.

The point of telling you all this - and about time, too - is that I've never been one to stick around just to draw a check. Money isn't the most important thing in the world to me. If I don't like where I'm working, or what I'm doing, or the people with whom I'm working, I'll quit. I've done it 26 times before. Only once out of those 28 jobs was I not the one to make the decision of whether I would stay or go.

(Bonus points if you can guess which one I was laid off from. It's one of those linked above, and I don't blame them even a tiny bit.)

The 27th job, the one I'm at now, has been ongoing for 18 years. I've been employed by my present company for almost 15 years longer than at any other job I've held. The reason for this is that I've never been pissed off enough to walk out. And the main reason for that is my boss.

My boss is a good decent guy. He pays me well; doesn't force a lot of useless rules on me (I don't ever wear a suit or tie unless I want to do so, and shaving is optional); is generous with bonuses and personal use of company equipment; and just generally keeps the office a non-stressful place to be. He hires good people, so there rarely have been any uncomfortable squabbles here. We all joke with each other and nobody is looking to file a lawsuit because their feelings were hurt. When you need an early exit, for an appointment of a non-work nature, my boss will let you go without making you sign an I.O.U. promising to give him back the half-hour on a later date. Of course, for our part, we realize it's a favor, so we don't start squawking for overtime if we're here some night until 5:10.

A few days ago, he asked me about the possibility of writing a blog for our company website.

He knows about this blog, and he's cool with it. I've never gotten a memo from him telling me to not say such-and-such because it would reflect badly on the company. I think he understands that anything stupid I might say here - and Lord knows that's a lot - only reflects poorly on me.

When he asked me about writing a company blog, I told him I was amenable to the idea. However, I wanted to know just what I could or couldn't put into it. Obviously, if he was completely comfortable with what I wrote in this space, he would have just asked me to link this stuff to the company website, and he didn't ask for that.

I told him that I had already written a few posts, for my own blog, that dealt with my work as a voice-over talent and/or recording engineer. I suggested that these might be immediately transferable to the company website; perhaps a minor edit here or there to insert the company name. I printed them out for him to read. After he looked at them, well...

Boss: You write well, Jim. You have a unique voice; quirky and entertaining.

Me: Thanks!

Boss: However, there are a couple of things that we couldn't put on the company website.

Me: Such as...

Boss: Well, this, for instance. In it, you call yourself a "Vocal Whore."

Me: And?

Boss: Well, "whore" isn't really a word we want on the website.

Me: No?

Boss: You go on to say that you wouldn't be able to give any real information concerning the client's product even if someone held a red-hot poker to your private parts. You wouldn't actually write something like that in a piece for the company, would you?

Me: Well, uh...

Boss: And then, you say, "If you hear a male voice telling you to press one for customer service and press two for sales, it might be me. I'm that son of a bitch." We can't have language like that.

Me: No? Well, I...

Boss: And in this one, you say that in high school you flunked Spanish three times, Latin twice, and French once. That makes you sound as though you don't know what you're doing.

Me: When it comes to foreign languages, I don't. I'm pitiful!

Boss: But you can't let the clients know that!

Me: I think it's more believable than letting them think I'm fluent in the 60-some languages we sometimes have in our scripts, but...

Boss: Later on in the same piece, you say you don't particularly like working with our foreign voice talents. That sounds horrible, Jim!

Me: I do say that they're all swell people, though, and it's just my ignorance of their languages that makes it uncomfortable, and... Oh, I see. It's the same thing about showing ignorance, right?

Boss: Mmmmmm... mostly. And you printed part of a script here, to illustrate what editing Mandarin Chinese is like. It doesn't contain anything that could link it to a specific client of ours, does it? If it does, that's not good.

Me: I don't think it does. But, it's in Chinese! Nobody can read it!

Boss: Jim, there are over a billion people in the world who can read Mandarin.

Me: Oh, yeah, I guess you're right. I was just thinking of, like, Boston. Oops!

Boss: And this other piece about a client. We could get sued!

[No, you don't get a link to that one, just in case.]

Me: Sued? Why?

Boss: It's a very litigious society out there, Jim.

Me: But, I went out of my way to call them a wonderful company that makes great and useful products. You really think they'd sue us?

Boss: I don't know, but I'd prefer you not write anything like that again.

Me: OK.

Boss: And in this other piece, you pretend to be talking to a client and you say, "Pull your head out of your ass and give me a fucking clue."

Me: Well... uh... It's a joke, see... and... uh...

And so on.

The above wasn't an exact replication of any one conversation. It's actually a composite of a few different bits from discussions with both my boss and my partner in the production department, but I strung them together to give you the full effect of how well my stuff was received in its raw state. I truly, honestly, wouldn't have given a second thought to any of those things going onto a company website, which is why I'm where I am and my boss owns a company.

So, it appears that I am Not Safe For Work, even my own.

I've since rewritten one of the pieces, making it very family-friendly, and we'll see how he likes it. I think he will. I can write that way all the time, if need be, but I'll be a son of a bitch if I can see how it's any improvement on my normal shit.

Soon, with more @#%@*! stuff.


30 comments:

endangered coffee said...

all in all, I love your effin' boss, from someone who has had almost as many jobs as you (24, although most of them have been for either newspapers or supermarkets). I hope I find a job like yours where I can stay for 18 years. So far, longest job I've held is at Purity Supreme when I was in high school and college. Anyway, I would read your company blog, even without vocal whores

Jeni said...

During my work life, the longest time I ever worked at the same job was the bit when I was an Avon Rep for 18 years! After that -eight years working for the wonderful National Rifle Assn. in D.C. and then seven years as a slave (waitress) at a nearby truckstop! Oh and eight years working part-time for the world's largest private weather forecasting company. I almost forgot about that one. But lots of varied positions scattered around too -part-time, full-time, etc.
I can see, somewhat, your boss's concerns about your doing a company blog, but yet -because I really enjoy your free style of writing as shown in the majority of your posts here -and also, because I hate the bit about having to tippy-toe around upteen people so as to be so damned politically correct, polite and all that poppycock all the time, I wonder if writing a company blog that way will take away the good humor that prevails in your writing here.
Oh and get this -my word verification here today is nabdamet -appropriate, don't you think?

lime said...

it must be great to have a generally cool boss who treats you like a grownup. i can totally see that conversation happening.

now if i ever need someone to do a commercial about tumescent liposculpture backed by an intrumentalized version of "hot for teacher" i know who to call...and i'll know whose ancestry to curse when i get stuck on hold while making that call.

but i still chuckle when i think of the outtakes and that one other business full of double entendres.

Nana Net said...

My oh my what can I say. You truly crack me up!!!
As for the longest job I have ever held it would have to be being a MOM! Yep 27 years and counting. And it is a required 24 hours a day, 7 days a week one with no paycheck involved. Nope, only the rewards of love.....
Now as to which job you got asked to leave from I would venture to say the "Ice Cream Truck Driver!" ROFLAO Why? More than likely cause you were eating up the goodies instead of delivering the full load!

jinksy said...

You COULD write Family Friendly, but I bet it wouldn't be as much fun to read as your usual 'happy' (?) style, in all its glory!

jinksy said...

OH, and for me , it's got to be either the washing up or the customer service job - can't see you fitting into either of those too happily - hence getting the boot - Ah! But working in a shoe shop for one who hates shoes? Maybe... can't wait for the answer...

Chris said...

I'm going with "shoe salesman".

Michelle H. said...

Carnival Barker has my vote for being the laid off one.

Moannie said...

All that political correctness has done is to turn the whole of the western world into a litigenous mass. Someone laughed at a Muslim policemans beard t'other day and he is sueing for THOUSANDS! i HAVE TO ADMIT i LAUGHED TO, AND i DON'T CARE IF HE IS BLACK/WHITE/RED OR GREEN, IT WAS FUNNY, NO, IT WAS stupid. oops! forgot I had cap lock on. I wish I could draw it. It was not very long, in fact it looked painted on and it began under his ears, down onto his chin and up the other side. his upper lip was clear and most of his lower chin.

Actually the point I am trying to make is...what happened to 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but names can never hurt me?

I agree that sometimes you can be a bit, well, Suldoglike, and that that wouldn't go down too well in business. But, look at the laughs they would get...what a way to start a business day.

I'm going for the drug dealer...using the product or under charging 'cos you felt sorry for the buyer who really, really need it, man.

Carolina said...

I truly have no idea (yet) what a Carnival Barker is expected to do, other than barking at a carnival and I think you might be good at that (I will read the story later), if I remember correctly leaving the washing up job was your own decision, so I'm going with the shoe shop job.

I hope your rear end is comfortable ;-)

friday18 said...

This was too funny. I'll be very interested in reading your work blog, if it does go up.

2 off-topic comments:
1. I posted the solution to MR DUCKS today, so you can stop pull out your remaining hair. :-)

2. Any chance we can talk you and YOUR WIFE into coming to Beer Tasting tomorrow night? Even if either of you are not really beer drinkers, everyone has a fabulous time, and the munchies will be delish (if I do say so myself). We'd love to see you!

Jane! said...

Maybe a voice hustler?
Anyway, I hope this work blog gig doesn't take time away from your real purpose in life - entertaining US!

Ruth and Glen said...

My guess is the Garage Cleaner job. The one where you went down the ramp and wound up on I-90. I'm still laughing about that.

Ruth

ciara said...

omgoodness...lmao. well, i'm sure you'll contain yourself & do a good job. sometimes it's hard to not say the things you def want to say. i have to refrain at times, too lol

Pouty Lips said...

This is classic Sully. I go to work every day praying no one at work has seen my blog. The other day a coworker said that she knew I love post-it notes and I thought - oh shit she's seen my vid (being that I've not mentioned that at work - but the possibility exists that maybe the 150 different colored post-it notes might have given her a clue). I hate how work gets in the way of my freedom of speech. Your boss sounds cool. I actually know of one blogger who had to blow up her own blog or lose her job.

Karen said...

Yeah, I think you probably were laid off during your stint as a dishwasher. At least that's the one I would *want* to be laid=off from!

Suldog said...

I'll suspend the suspense and tell you all it was the Catalog job. If you read that piece, you'll find out why - and why I didn't blame them :-)

Janet said...

I had that boss in my next to last job. He was fabulous. I'm hoping they'll take me back someday.
I think I've had that many jobs, but I'm not going to stop to count them all now. The longest I ever lasted anywhere was 5 years.

Chris Stone said...

the Catalog job? i was thinking it must have been the paperboy job! just because it would take talent to be laid off from a job like that. ;)

Buck said...

Your boss sounds cool, indeed. The simple fact that your boss would even consider asking you to do a company blog is indicative of your boss' coolness, in and of itself. Most corporate types would blanch at the first three lines in any given post of yours (as in: considering you as the author of a corporate blog), methinks.

Apropos of not much: I was blessed in that I only had three or four asshats for bosses in my 40+ year work life, and most of those were in the military (imagine THAT!). I only worked for a grand total of three orgs in those 40+ years, too (USAF and two IT companies). The saving grace was I rarely did the same thing twice in any of those three organizations... so my working life was GOOD. But being retired is the best gig I've ever had. ;-)

Angie Ledbetter said...

Such interesting stuff here every single day!

Cath said...

Oh my goodness Jim you didn't seriously give it him raw did you?

ROTFL.

You didn't. It is such funny stuff but I can see why he wouldn't want the company attached to it!

Poor Jim! I hope he uses you to do the blog. It only needs a tweak here and there and he is absolutely right - your voice is unique on a blog. You would be able to write such a great blog for the company you work for. I just hope the the constraints of not cussing and not saying anything that could be remotely sue-able doesn't squash your talent and kill it. :0/

As for the job you were sacked from - was it shoe salesman?

Cath said...

It was the catalogue job? (Sorry - catalog. Hmph).

And I love how being a "drug dealer" is in the same sentence as "school bus driver", "mailroom clerk", "security guard" and "ice cream truck driver"!

John-Michael said...

So, what's the 'problem?' I can see how "drug dealer", "school bus driver", "mailroom clerk", "security guard" and "ice cream truck driver" are all in what would br referred to (in today's business parlance) as "networking opportunities." [grin]

(You have reminded me of the sizable stack of accumulated business cards that testify to my own work history. Ugh!)

Love Ya, Jim ...

Ribbon said...

Hi that was a fun read. Nice to know that someone is happy in there work place.

best wishes Ribbon :-)

Shrinky said...

Aw sweetie, Suldog under censorship would be like a hug without a squeeze, all the fizz would be flattened - nay lad, don't do it!!

It's funny how so many of us just usually drift into what turns out to be our "career", isn't it? I never would have guessed I'd finish up in recruitment - and even LOVE it, too! Shrug.

Woman in a Window said...

Oh, Suldog, I don't know. It almost sounds like he'd like a Suldog post with most of the Suldog omitted. Then it would just be a, a, a damned boring post.

(Never be apologetic about your faith over at my place or anything like it. We all have our own opinions and when I ask for them, I'm prepared. And I appreciate the honesty.)

Jenn said...

I'm forcing my husband to read this when he gets home tonight. Matt has held jobs with so many different companies and it always makes him feel bad that he doesn't stay "forever" (whatever the hell that means) at any of them. I keep telling him if he wants a gold watch he's gonna have to buy it himself but now there is hope that good companies and good bosses actually do still exist out there!

This is great, now with the advent of your need to write such boring ass material for the company I can only imagine how much more colorful its gonna get around this place ;P

Sam said...

What a colourful job history you have! I think I'm probably 'unemployable material' myself

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Suldog was a drug-dealer?! Wha'!

Never change, Sir. Always be yourself, please?

No matter what your lovely boss says, his is only one opinion... I agree that one might have to be more careful with a work blog, in terms of upsetting the natives, but your blog is yours and yours alone (and ours, by association), stay the wily and bright, crazy and clever, witty and (sometimes) rude, Suldog!