Thursday, September 18, 2008

It Is No Longer IF I Am Elected. It Is Now WHEN.



All you folks who decided to hop onto the Suldog For President bandwagon? Buckle up your seat belts and hang onto your hats, because we are now rolling!

General Rooster (OK, if you don't know why he's a general, you need to read yesterday's post, and the fact that you haven't done so already will be noted on your permanent record) has informed me of some stunning developments concerning the campaign. I can hardly contain my glee. Those of you who signed up to be generals and admirals and stuff like that? Feel free to go out and buy the snazziest uniforms available. It looks as though the election is now ours for the taking!

I know, I know. Even I, your fearless leader, found this hard to believe at first. However, it's absolutely true, and, if you still have any lingering doubts, just watch the following:

Jim "Suldog" Sullivan For President!

Life is very, very good.

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In the meantime, for those of you who have any lingering questions concerning the policies which will be implemented under my administration, I herewith reprint the pertinent (and, in some instances, impertinent) bits of yesterdays comments section. I have deleted only those parts which do not serve to clarify my positions.

Anonymous said...

You? President? I'd rather lick a pigeon!

Melinda said...

Oooh Sully - apparently not everybody realizes how wonderful you and your Drugs For Everybody Campain is! (unless of course anon has been partaking in the program and now happens to love licking pigeons. I've heard some drugs can make pigeons taste like orange gummy bears. mmmm gummy bears)

Since I'm not allowed to vote for you - In support, I will help you to bring maple syrup, poutine, and Trailer Park Boys DVDs so all Americans can enjoy them!

Best of luck,
Gen. Peterson

Rooster said...

I take "burned at the stake!". Why? "I'd rather have a warm steak than a cold chop!"

I'll also opt for being a general - I currently drive a Jeep Wrangler, so the transition should be easy. Plus I'd get seasick smoking pot on a boat all day.

I sent you a little campaign gift in your email...

Mushy said...

Do you have t-shirts?

Soon-To-Be-President Suldog said...

Anonymous - If you wish to lick a pigeon, that's your business. All sorts of deviants are welcome in Suldog's America. However, you'll be doing it in your jail cell. You had your chance. You could have been a general. I guess we all make our choices!

General Peterson - I will gladly accept the maple syrup and Trailer Park Boys DVDs. The poutine? I'll wait until I have the munchies and then give it my best shot. It can't be any worse than licking a pigeon, right?

General Rooster - The campaign contribution you sent is spectacular!

General Mushy - I do indeed have t-shirts. As a matter of fact, that's what I wear most days.

Oh! You want one that has, like, my picture on it or a campaign slogan? No, I'm afraid I don't have any of those yet. However, you have my permission to get the photo featured here tattooed onto your chest. And I thank you!

Soon-To-Be-President Suldog and Soon-To-Be-First-Lady MY WIFE


Chucka Stone Designs said...

Hmmm...looks like I'm a pigeon licker with no head what with hating the Three Stooges and all. And I was really looking forward to being an Admiral in my cute little outfit, riding around completely stoned, in a Jeep with the top off under the bomb dome. Damn. Guess I'll just be voting for that other guy now.

lime said...

ok, listen i am educationally handicapped. will there be remediation for the kids like me whose parents wouldn't permit the watching of the 3 stooges?

i'd like to be a general rather than an admiral because i get seasick. although since i will already be empress i am not sure how much it applies. yes, we shall spare ron paul, he alone is worthy. we will also established the birthdays of curly, moe, and larry as national holidays.

CrazyCath said...

Can I vote? Can I vote?
I qualify on every count except for where I live.

AND I am related. Directly blood related to your line of Sullivans by means of insanity.

Soon-To-Be-President Suldog said...

Chucka - You HATE... HATE? HATE The Three Stooges?!? I'm sorry, cute redhead or not, that's just... Damn. I hate to do it to you, but rules are rules. The only out I can think of is if you qualify under section 14. Do you? If not, would you like to? I, uh, what was the question? Oh, yes, see, if you qualify under section 14, you could devote your TV program to airing nothing but Three Stooges films, in which case I would be more disposed towards looking favorably upon your lack of taste. But I still don't know if I could let you be an admiral. I think the best I could do is designate you a lieutenant commander, IF you can find a lieutenant to command.

General Most Exalted Empress Lime - You were severely mistreated as a child! Not being ALLOWED to watch The Stooges? Since ignorance of the law is an excellent excuse under President Suldog (under President Suldog - now there's a straight line I'll leave alone...) then you are forgiven, but only if you declare the birthdays of Shemp, Joe and Curly Joe to be holidays, also. Oh, and Vernon Dent and Christine McIntyre, too.

Claire Voiant said...

Count me for 'burned at the state' too, and General Rooster be damned...

Hey Sully, I stumbled into a political cartoon that, in a twisted sense, kind of expresses the hopelessness I sense you feel with our political leadership as the first decade of the 21st century draws to an end. Thought you might appreciate the cartoon. http://www.cafepress.com/usa21stcentury

Soon-To-Be-President Suldog said...

General Crazy Cath - Well, you can't vote in this election. Those pesky laws won't be changed until I'm actually elected. However, for your willingness to do so, you can be a general, anyway. As for insanity, yes, it is a prerequisite. Thanks for noticing.

General Claire Voiant - Just for your name alone, you get to be a TWO star general. However, no damning of your fellow generals is allowed, even if it is General Rooster. So, back down to one star, just like everybody else.

By the way, while I certainly do agree with the sentiment expressed on the t-shirts you're hawking (Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n Roll) the problem is that the guy who represents sex (Clinton) denied it; the guy representing drugs (Bush) denied it; and the guy representing rock 'n roll (Obama) is... well, he hasn't denied playing it or listening to it or anything, but he is my opponent in the general election, so I refuse to say anything nice about him.

Anyway, I have no compunction concerning telling anyone and everyone that I have indulged, heavily. I am the truth candidate!

lime said...

under exalted empress lime (bwahahaha) the birthdays you amended to the original list shall be celebrated as national holidays. those who fail to observe the holidays will be poked in the eye.

Buck said...

"In order to qualify for the government buzz, you must show at least 65 days on a payroll during the previous year."

Ummm... you'd BEST make an exception for the AARP contingent, of which I might could be a member. Not sayin' I AM, of course, just lookin' out for their interests. So if ya want MY vote...

I don't wanna be a general, thanyouverymuch. But I WILL be your Command Chief Master Sergeant. There's more (real) power there, anyway.

Soon-To-Be-President Suldog said...

General Exalted Empress Lime - I bow in your general direction.

Command Chief Master Sergeant Buck - Damn! That's way too much to type. Let's just make it ComChiMastSerg.

Anyway, all you AARP types will still have to do your 65 days of duty. I'm sorry. No exceptions. However, the females can do their duty servicing the males, and the males can do their duty servicing the females.

Not bad, eh? I betcha THAT buys me a few more votes!

Buck said...

"Not bad, eh? I betcha THAT buys me a few more votes!"

That sealed MY deal. Er... vote.

- Command CMSgt Buck

San said...

You've got my vote. On one condition. Chocolate is decreed calorie-free! Correction. Chocolate is decreed to be the latest weight-loss secret!

Soon-To-Be-President Suldog said...

Admiral San - Under my administration's food guidelines, chocolate shall be deemed a vegetable.

Stu said...

Y'know, I was on board the Suldog Express until you inked a deal with CBS. Shame about it, I could have made good federal dollars as a grower.

Soon-To-Be-President Suldog said...

Possible General Stu - Inked a deal with...? No, no, no. I will immediately nationalize all media outlets that you don't like. Now do I have your vote back?

By the way, with the exception of "House" and [maybe] "The Simpsons", FOX will just plain be vaporized.

Oh, wait a minute. I promised some Sullivans that they could have shows on FOX. I'll hold off on the vaporizations until after the first ratings book.

CrazyCath said...

Chocolate will be deemed a vegetable?

I am on my way to the American Embassy as we speak to declare my intention to have American citizenship within the next 14 days so that I am a fully fledged and suitably experienced American citizen in time for voting.

I gotta have chocolate as a vegetable. That is so cool and well done San for suggesting it!

John-Michael said...

I am thinkin'(always a scary prospect) that I would prefer being an Admineral. I am so weary of requirements to be decisive. As Admineral, I would like to head up the Department of Obscurity and Vacillation Encouragement (I have always preferred the role of DOVE ...as opposed to being a 'hawk.') If you find your Self vacillating on your inclination regarding an inaugural parade ... I will assume the responsibility of facilitating a spontaneous Inaugural Meander to go wherever, whenever, and however it suits your Presidential inclinations at the time. (seems like an appropriate assignment for D.O.V.E.)

Twinkie said...

I will totally vote for you in four years, when it's legal for me to vote. Until then I shall be your biggest supporter! :-)

quilly said...

Before I was worried about my presidential choices. Now I am scared.

Jeni said...

...the Three Stooges -well, I find them to be just as funny and entertaining today as I did when I was a young'un -many, many moons ago! Maybe I am actually Peter Pan -still waiting but not wanting or able to ever grow up. You tell me.
A fine candidate you are -in more ways than one!
Can I be Secretary of the Treasury or some other cabinet member? One with not too many duties though, OK?

Soon-To-Be-President Suldog said...

General Crazy Cath - You'd better hurry. Under my administration, all American embassies will be converted into Wal-Marts (assuming their check clears.)

Admineral John-Michael - OK, you will be assigned the leadership of D.O.V.E., despite your odd way of spelling admiral.

(By the way, spelling and grammar will be very important under my administration. Anyone caught spelling "lose" with two Os will immediately be put to work on the bomb dome, cleaning off what the pigeons leave behind.)

General Twinkie - As soon as I get into office, I shall abolish the minimum voting age. However, everyone will have to pass an intelligence test, so just because you might be 94, that doesn't mean you automatically get to vote, either. The first question on the intelligence test will be "Who do you plan to vote for in the next presidential election?", and if you're smart, you'll know how to answer!

(By the way, until your Mom leaves a comment, you now outrank her. Use this power wisely!)

Quilly - You have every reason to be scared. Those other candidates are very scary! However, I must be circumspect in handing out a generalship to you. If you mean that the prospect of me becoming president is scary, then it's off to the gulag for you! Pledge your allegiance now and save yourself some traveling time.

General Jeni - I will appoint you Secretary of Education. The less you do, the better my chances of re-election.

Sandra Ree said...

Brilliant!

Admiral SR reporting to duty!

mlh said...

You are a shoe-in!

Soon-To-Be-President Suldog said...

Admiral SR - Welcome aboard!

MLH - Are you comparing me to footwear? If so, no generalship for YOU! Unless it's something really cool like spike-heeled thigh high boots or maybe a pair of black high-top Converse Chuck Coopers. In that case, not only are you General MLH, but your tank is in the mail.

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If there are any more questions, I will gladly answer them now. Thank you.


18 comments:

lime said...

i am soooo glad you didn't fart in my general direction or wave your private parts at my aunty!

i think crazy cath needs to be naturalized immediately and made assistant to general san who will be made chairman of the joint chiefs of snacks.

Suldog said...

General Exalted Empress Lime - Excellent suggestion! Consider yourself the first Admiral General in history!

Stu said...

Chocolate trumps all, so I'm happy to give you my endorsement, but I'd require a title that was clearly non-military. I'm a staunch pacifist and would only back you if you took a harder line against all forms of violence.

John-Michael said...

WHOA THERE!! What's this appointment of an Admiral General? Having been designated the first Admineral in the obscure vacillation between the two exclusive ranks, I detect an impending power struggle in the offing. But then again ... snacks do weigh in as an absolute essential to a harmonious administration. OK! ... never mind.

Suldog said...

Saint Stu - I am more than happy to comply with your request. Although my administration will generally (I hope you don't mind that word) tend to not involve itself in religious affairs, I am glad to appoint you the very first American Jewish Saint. As such, you now (or, will, once I'm elected) have the power to confer similar status on any others you deem worthy (once they've paid the extremely reasonable $50,000 registration fee, which will be deposited into the general drug fund.)

Suldog said...

Admineral John-Michael - Well, now that I know you didn't just make a spelling mistake, that changes everything.

Admiral General Exalted Empress Lime? I'm afraid I have to suspend your admiralty (and we all know how painful that can be, so I apologize heartily.)

However, since your demotion is due to Admineral John-Michael conferring his unusual title upon HIMSELF, rather than waiting for my OK, I will give you the choice of which punishment he should receive. If it can be filmed for profitable sale at a later date, perhaps I'll let you be a Commodore General.

mlh said...

You're giving me a tank? During my current dismal mood? I thought I was evil...

I am so blasting away at things, er, maintaining your dictatorship.

Buck said...

That video was just AWESOME! That's quite possibly the ultimate "how'd they DO that?" vid...ever.

And loosers cleaning up after the pigeons! Fitting and oh-so-appropriate!

-- Command CMSgt Buck, out.

CrazyCath said...

Now I liked Lime's suggestion and to work under San's chairWOMANship would be an honour.
But I did forget to mention one teeny weeny little thing. Like stu I am pacifist too. Any room for Jehovah's Witnesses? A new-naturalised-American-one-who-won't-have- a-militarised-title-but-is-happy -to eat-across-the-States-with-chocolate?

Oh I forgot. I don't vote in elections either! Dang. Well, does my moral support count?

Loved the video. Very clever.

Sandra Ree said...

ha ha, the video was hilarious!

and until you declare some kind of order on this craziness...I think I’m jumping ship...

and yes... I’m very scared of the ocean.

Suldog said...

General MLH - Yes, I wanted to tank you very much for your support.

(Hah! Tank! I'll be here until someone can get past General MLH's tank! Try the veal!)

Command CMSgt Buck - How'd they do what? Are you implying that there was some sort of trickery involved in the video? Do you mean that I'm... not... going to be... No, you couldn't mean that.

First Witness Crazy Cath - There, is that better? Hey, wait a minute! You don't VOTE?!? Up on the Bomb Dome for you!!!

Admiral SR - No jumping ship is allowed! Either you are with us or you are against us. In other words, either accept us (that is, me and your fellow admirals, generals, adminerals, commodore generals, saints, witnesses, and Command CMSgts) as we are, or it's up on the Bomb Dome for you, too!

Jenn said...

Ok wait a minute this is just out of control...now pigeons are relegated to the outside of the dome? What will we do for fun in the park on Saturdays if we can't chase pigeons & scare them into pooping on each other's heads? And 24 is off the air? You know Jack Bauer has saved countless lives from the perils of terrorist activities, perhaps he could be an asset to your administration.

I guess I will have to pick my battles and play that Stooges movie stuff just so I can keep eating my chocolate, uh, I mean vegetables. I always loved vegetables.

Admiral Jenn over & out

PS If there is a dome over us & we have no access to the ocean how do I get to actually be an Admiral?

Moannie said...

Please please come and be our Prime Minister...judging by the comedians we have had for the past, too many years you will be the essence of sanity. We'll get Queenie to Knight you, put a statue up to you in Parliament Square and Euro-Disney. Please!!!!Pretty please, we NEED you.

lime said...

i am already supreme exalted empress so admineral john-michael of the obscure vacillations board does not threaten me particularly since he reconsidered in consideration of the new appointments in chiefs of snacks. should you deem punishment necessary i'd suggest beating him with wet noodles followed by tickle torture until he promises no more usurpations of power.

CrazyCath said...

*starting to clean vigorously*

*wondering why this made a difference when previously she wasn't ABLE to vote and remained in favour. Still not ABLE to vote. But now cleaning because of beliefs. Hmph!*

CrazyCath said...

But likes cleaning - cleanliness is next to Godliness! Hah!

lime said...

wait who told cath she had to clean? that aint right. she brought chocolate to the party and that's my drug of choice! and i am empress! what kind of madness is this? cath, get down from scrubbing the pigeon poo. we are bordering on anarchy here!

don't somebody make me pull out my flogging stick now. or at the very least you all will be grounded and sent to bed without any drugs.

Janet said...

Geez, the things I miss when I leave my computer for a week. That video was brilliant.