Wednesday, September 17, 2008

If I Am Elected...

I wrote this almost two years ago. I was, as a matter of fact, the only candidate to have declared at that time. Since then, I have also republished it. However, since my campaign seems to have not gained the traction I thought it would, I'm publishing it again. Now that the post-convention furor is dying down, perhaps some of you will come to your senses and get on-board the Suldog bandwagon.


Good evening, folks. I'd call you ladies and gentlemen, but you know what you are.


In response to a request from Melissa (whose link no longer works) (I suspect she was spirited off by the CIA for having supported my campaign) I am now going to discuss my platform. I would rather discuss the plataforma, but we can make dinner plans later.

Oh, I suppose I should tell you that this is my presidential platform. This is what you can expect, should you be so high as to decide to cast a vote for me in 2008.

1) More Drugs!

Hey, if you being high got me elected, I better keep 'em coming. Every year, everybody gets a government-issued 300-day supply of the drug of their choice. If you use it up in 100 days, that's your problem. Come on, people! You have to learn some self-control, for goodness' sakes.

Some of you are no doubt wondering why it isn't a 365-day supply. Look, you've got to work sometime or the whole country will tank and then nobody gets any drugs. In order to qualify for the government buzz, you must show at least 65 days on a payroll during the previous year. Pharmacists and Doctors are ineligible because they can get as much as they want anytime anyway. If you're on the dole, you'll have to get your drugs by mugging people like you do now.

To show you my sincerity, I shall personally be handing out syringes and bongs at random polling places on election day. Nothing to put in them until I'm elected, though, so get voting!

Now, some of you may be asking how I will fund this plan. That's simple. I am going to sell off all of our military resources and equipment to the highest foreign bidders. You can get a lot of bones for the price of a stealth bomber, let me tell you! Factor in all the various bombs, aircraft carriers, miscellaneous tanks and hand weapons? That should be enough to keep everybody high for at least 20 years, and probably fund the school systems to boot.

"But what will we do when someone attacks us?", I hear some nancy-boy saying. I've got it covered.

2) No More War!

Yes, I have the solution to war. I propose building a gigantic see-through dome over the entire country. This will keep bombs out.

Of course, it will also keep out rain, so we'll have to build a gigantic network of aqueducts and water-treatment plants from coast-to-coast, in order to facilitate the growing of crops. Special consideration will be given to those crops which can be made into pharmaceuticals.

To do this, I will authorize a plan whereby every man, woman, and child will work 65 days a year for the federal government. This will also solve the employment problem from proposal number one.

I realize that the Bomb Dome will tend to cut down on air travel. Too bad. See America First. By Rail. Yeah, that's the ticket! That should put AMTRAK in the black, too.

Of course, a gigantic dome will not only keep bombs and rain out, it will also keep pollution in. Therefore, to alleviate that eventuality...

3) SUVs Will Be Illegal!

Actually, I don't give a damn about pollution. I just hate driving behind them. You can't see a damned thing! So, no more SUVs. And anyone caught with a Hummer will be executed by having it fed to them in bite-size pieces. With one exception...

4) The President Will Be The Only One Allowed To Have A Hummer!

Hey, get back behind those barricades! I didn't say that the President would be the only one allowed to GET a Hummer. You're thinking of that fellow from Arkansas. No, in the interests of national security, I can take up as much space as I want. Hey, you got a problem with that? I'm the guy giving out the free buzz, remember? So move your crummy Miata to the side of the road and let me by.

By the way...

5) There Will Not Be An Inaugural Parade!

Why in the name of Beelzebub's left tit do you need to see the President (that is to say, me) marching down Pennsylvania Avenue? That's always seemed like a tremendous waste of money to me (that is to say, Your President.) So, take what you would have spent on the parade and put it into the general drug fund. Anyway, I don't feel like walking that far, even if I'm riding in my Hummer.


6) There Will Be An Inaugural Party!

And one hellacious one, too, you bet! But you won't be invited, unless you make a significant contribution to my campaign. Significance starts at $10,000,000.

Better yet, contribute to one of my many RE-election campaigns. You say I'm limited to two terms? Hah! I will win over and over again, because...

7) I Shall Repeal All Term Limits!

You think once I get in, I'm going to give anyone a fighting chance at getting me out? What government-issued goodies have you been smoking? And, just to make sure I can carry out this plan...

8) Congress Shall Be Abolished!

They suck, anyway, so they're history. Except for Ron Paul. He's the only one with any common sense, so what the heck, I'm appointing him Congress For Life. Not CongressMAN - CONGRESS. He's it.

As for the rest of those bums...

9) All Congressional Salaries & Pensions Will Be Abolished!

These monies will be put into the general drug fund, except those earmarked for Presidential Hummers. All of the frauds currently receiving Congressional salaries, and those past frauds receiving pensions, will be put to work constructing the Bomb Dome. They will NOT receive the usual 300-day drug benefit. Instead, in order to up their productivity, they will be force-fed crystal meth.

The only exception to the above is the aforementioned Ron Paul, who will have his pension upped 5% every time another of the Congressional Domeworkers keels over dead.

Insofar as who will be the vice-president when I'm elected...

10) My Running Mate Will Be Chosen At Random By Publishers Clearing House!

So, get those entries in today! Special priority will be given those who purchase subscriptions to High Times. If you get your entry in before October 1st, you'll be eligible for the special early-bird prize: A seat on the Supreme Court.

Remember this, though. If you win the nomination as my running mate, but you get some uppity idea about succeeding me as President after the election...

11) The Vice-President Will Be 247th In Line For Succession!

The 246 people before him in line will be a secret. That way, you'll think twice before offing me. I might be crazy, but I'm not stupid, and how do you know I don't have the Grand Dragon of the KKK at the top of the list? Better the buzz-giving devil you know.

As a special incentive...

12) Everybody Who Leaves A Comment On This Blog Gets To Be A General!

Or an admiral - your choice. There won't be an Army or Navy or anything, what with the Bomb Dome in place, but you'll still get to ride around in a jeep or on a yacht wearing a snazzy uniform. This is your last chance, so comment NOW!

13) Everybody Who Left An Unfavorable Comment Will Be Jailed!

You'd rather lick a pigeon? It had to be a good comment. It pays to read ahead. Too late now, pal. See you in the gulag!

14) All People Named Sullivan, Married To A Sullivan, Who Gave Birth To A Sullivan, Ancestors Of A Sullivan, Or Who Are Progeny Of A Sullivan, Get A Network TV Show!

Those who are able to prove direct relation to me get one on CBS, NBC or ABC. After that, my cousins, it will be Fox, the WB, UPN, and on down the line until those with nebulous relationships get either The Home Shopping Network or Spike.

15) Fast-Pitch Softball Will Be The Mandatory National Sport!

The President (ME) will be given five strikes and will only need two balls to walk. And, believe me, this President has 'em already.

16) Anyone Who Kicks A Kid Out Of School For Carrying Aspirin Or A Nailfile Will Be Castrated, Live And In Color, On The President Suldog Show, Wednesday, 8pm (9pm Central) On CBS.

It's frickin' hard enough to get kids educated without suspending them because of some hare-brained politically-correct nonsense about zero tolerance. Those school officials in violation of this policy who were born without the necessary equipment for castration will be given sex-changes and then castrated.

And, finally...

17) Anybody Who Isn't A Three Stooges Fan Will Have Their Choice Of Being Burned At The Stake Or Having Their Head Cut Off!

If you're a fan, then you know what your reply should be to that statement. If you have no clue? DIE! DIE! DIE!

But, first, I'd appreciate your vote. Thanks for your time!

I will now entertain questions from the floor.


Anonymous said...

You? President? I'd rather lick a pigeon!

Melinda said...

Oooh Sully - apparently not everybody realizes how wonderful you and your Drugs For Everybody Campain is! (unless of course anon has been partaking in the program and now happens to love licking pigeons. I've heard some drugs can make pigeons taste like orange gummy bears. mmmm gummy bears)

Since I'm not allowed to vote for you - In support, I will help you to bring maple syrup, poutine, and Trailer Park Boys DVDs so all Americans can enjoy them!

Best of luck,
Gen. Peterson

Melinda said...

ps. I can't believe I spelled "campaign" wrong!!

(must be the result of Ontario's Drugs for Everybody program. Sorry about that!)

Rooster said...

I take "burned at the stake!".


"I'd rather have a warm steak than a cold chop!"

I'll also opt for being a general - I currently drive a Jeep Wrangler, so the transition should be easy. Plus I'd get seasick smoking pot on a boat all day.

I sent you a little campaign gift in your email, let me know if it works.

Mushy said...

Do you have t-shirts?

Suldog said...

Anonymous - If you wish to lick a pigeon, that's your business. All sorts of deviants are welcome in Suldog's America. However, you'll be doing it in your jail cell. You had your chance. You could have been a general. I guess we all make our choices!

General Peterson - I will gladly accept the maple syrup and Trailer Park Boys DVDs. The poutine? I'll wait until I have the munchies and then give it my best shot. It can't be any worse than licking a pigeon, right?

General Rooster - The campaign contribution you sent is spectacular!

(EVERYBODY: Tomorrow I will be posting what General Rooster sent me. It will amaze and astound you. Or drive you to licking pigeons.)

General Mushy - I do indeed have t-shirts. As a matter of fact, that's what I wear most days.

Oh! You want one that has, like, my picture on it or a campaign slogan? No, I'm afraid I don't have any of those yet. However, you have my permission to get the photo featured here tattooed onto your chest. And I thank you!

Chucka Stone Designs said...

Hmmm...looks like I'm a pigeon licker with no head what with hating the Three Stooges and all. And I was really looking forward to being an Admiral in my cute little outfit, riding around completely stoned, in a Jeep with the top off under the bomb dome. Damn. Guess I'll just be voting for that other guy now.

Chucka Stone Designs said...

PS This is how I'll look in my jail cell before I head off to the guillotine (pun intended). No special dispensation for cute red heads huh?

lime said...

ok, listen i am educationally handicapped. will there be remediation for the kids like me whose parents wouldn't permit the watching of the 3 stooges?

i'd like to be a general rather than an admiral because i get seasick. although since i will already be empress i am not sure how much it applies. yes, we shall spare ron paul, he alone is worthy. we will also established the birthdays of curly, moe, and larry as national holidays.

CrazyCath said...

Can I vote? Can I vote?
I qualify on every count except for where I live.

AND I am related. Directly blood related to your line of Sullivans by means of insanity.

Suldog said...

Chucka - You HATE... HATE? HATE The Three Stooges?!? I'm sorry, cute redhead or not, that's just... Damn. I hate to do it to you, but rules are rules. The only out I can think of is if you qualify under section 14. Do you? If not, would you like to? I, uh, what was the question? Oh, yes, see, if you qualify under section 14, you could devote your TV program to airing nothing but Three Stooges films, in which case I would be more disposed towards looking favorably upon your lack of taste. But I still don't know if I could let you be an admiral. I think the best I could do is designate you a lieutenant commander, IF you can find a lieutenant to command.

General Most Exalted Empress Lime - You were severely mistreated as a child! Not being ALLOWED to watch The Stooges? Since ignorance of the law is an excellent excuse under President Suldog (under President Suldog - now there's a straight line I'll leave alone...) then you are forgiven, but only if you declare the birthdays of Shemp, Joe and Curly Joe to be holidays, also. Oh, and Vernon Dent and Christine McIntyre, too.

Claire Voiant said...

Count me for 'burned at the state' too, and General Rooster be damned...

Hey Sully, I stumbled into a political cartoon that, in a twisted sense, kind of expresses the hopelessness I sense you feel with our political leadership as the first decade of the 21st century draws to an end. Thought you might appreciate the cartoon.

Suldog said...

General Crazy Cath - Well, you can't vote in this election. Those pesky laws won't be changed until I'm actually elected. However, for your willingness to do so, you can be a general, anyway. As for insanity, yes, it is a prerequisite. Thanks for noticing.

General Claire Voiant - Just for your name alone, you get to be a TWO star general. However, no damning of your fellow generals is allowed, even if it is General Rooster. So, back down to one star, just like everybody else.

By the way, while I certainly do agree with the sentiment expressed on the t-shirts you're hawking (Sex, Drugs, & Rock 'n Roll) the problem is that the guy who represents sex (Clinton) denied it; the guy representing drugs (Bush) denied it; and the guy representing rock 'n roll (Obama) is... well, he hasn't denied playing it or listening to it or anything, but he is my opponent in the general election, so I refuse to say anything nice about him.

Anyway, I have no compunction concerning telling anyone and everyone that I have indulged, heavily. I am the truth candidate!

lime said...

under exalted empress lime (bwahahaha) the birthdays you amended to the original list shall be celebrated as national holidays. those who fail to observe the holidays will be poked in the eye.

Buck said...

In order to qualify for the government buzz, you must show at least 65 days on a payroll during the previous year.

Ummm... you'd BEST make an exception for the AARP contingent, of which I might could be a member. Not sayin' I AM, of course, just lookin' out for their interests. So if ya want MY vote...

I don't wanna be a general, thanyouverymuch. But I WILL be your Command Chief Master Sergeant. There's more (real) power there, anyway.

Suldog said...

General Exalted Empress Lime - I bow in your general direction.

Command Chief Master Sergeant Buck - Damn! That's way too much to type. Let's just make it ComChiMastSerg.

Anyway, all you AARP types will still have to do your 65 days of duty. I'm sorry. No exceptions. However, the females can do their duty servicing the males, and the males can do their duty servicing the females.

Not bad, eh? I betcha THAT buys me a few more votes!

Buck said...

Not bad, eh? I betcha THAT buys me a few more votes!

That sealed MY deal. Er... vote.

- Command CMSgt Buck

San said...

You've got my vote. On one condition. Chocolate is decreed calorie-free! Correction. Chocolate is decreed to be the latest weight-loss secret!

Suldog said...

Admiral San - Under my administration's food guidelines, chocolate shall be deemed a vegetable.

Stu said...

Y'know, I was on board the Suldog Express until you inked a deal with CBS. Shame about it, I could have made good federal dollars as a grower.

Suldog said...

Possible General Stu - Inked a deal with...? No, no, no. I will immediately nationalize all media outlets that you don't like. Now do I have your vote back?

(By the way, with the exception of "House" and [maybe] "The Simpsons", FOX will just plain be vaporized.)

Suldog said...

Oh, wait a minute. I promised some Sullivans that they could have shows on FOX. I'll hold off on the vaporization until after the first ratings book.

CrazyCath said...

Chocolate will be deemed a vegetable?

I am on my way to the American Embassy as we speak to declare my intention to have American citizenship within the next 14 days so that I am a fully fledged and suitably experienced American citizen in time for voting.

I gotta have chocolate as a vegetable. That is so cool and well done San for suggesting it!

Stu said...

Just remembered when the Reagan administration's USDA classified ketchup as a vegetable.

John-Michael said...

I am thinkin'(always a scary prospect) that I would prefer being an Admineral. I am so weary of requirements to be decisive. As Admineral, I would like to head up the Department of Obscurity and Vacillation Encouragement (I have always preferred the role of DOVE opposed to being a 'hawk.') If you find your Self vacillating on your inclination regarding an inaugural parade ... I will assume the responsibility of facilitating a spontaneous Inaugural Meander to go wherever, whenever, and however it suits your Presidential inclinations at the time. (seems like an appropriate assignment for D.O.V.E.)

Twinkie said...

Haha, funny post.

I will totally vote for you in four years, when it's legal for me to vote. Until then I shall be your biggest supporter! :-)

Stu said...

Oh, and about House M.D. - I used to be a serious fan, but it's gotten too formulaic - have you seen the Dead Ringer's take on House? Dead Ringers take on House M.D.

quilly said...

Before I was worried about my presidential choices. Now I am scared.

Jeni said...

:five strikes and will only need two balls to walk" - loved that line!
And the Three Stooges -well, I find them to be just as funny and entertaining today as I did when I was a young'un -many, many moons ago! Maybe I am actually Peter Pan -still waiting but not wanting or able to ever grow up. You tell me.
A fine candidate you are -in more ways than one!
Can I be Secretary of the Treasury or some other cabinet member? One with not too many duties though, OK?

Suldog said...

General Crazy Cath - You'd better hurry. Under my administration, all American embassies will be converted into Wal-Marts (assuming their check clears.)

Adnmineral John-Michael - OK, you will be assigned the leadership of D.O.V.E., despite your odd way of spelling admiral.

(By the way, spelling and grammar will be very important under my administration. Anyone caught spelling "lose" with two Os will immediately be put to work on the bomb dome, cleaning off what the pigeons leave behind.)

General Twinkie - As soon as I get into office, I shall abolish the minimum voting age. However, everyone will have to pass an intelligence test, so just because you might be 94, that doesn't mean you automatically get to vote, either. The first question on the intelligence test will be "Who do you plan to vote for in the next presidential election?", and if you're smart, you'll know how to answer!

(By the way, until your Mom leaves a comment, you now outrank her. Use this power wisely!)

General Stu - Ha! Spot on!

Quilly - You have every reason to be scared. Those other candidates are very scary! However, I must be circumspect in handing out a generalship to you. If you mean that the prospect of me becoming president is scary, then it's off to the gulag for you! Pledge your allegiance now and save yourself some traveling time.

General Jeni - I will appoint you Secretary of Education. The less you do, the better my chances of re-election.

Sandra Ree said...


Admiral SR reporting to duty!

mlh said...

You are a shoe-in!

Thimbelle said...

You know you have my vote, silly boy. And, FWIW, I spent many happy childhood (and adult) hours watching the Stooges, and LMAO.

And, since you made my kid a General, I'm not sure how I could outrank her. Unless, of course, you put me in charge of Fruitcake. In that case, of course, I become the third-most important person in the administration... After you, your Lovely Wife, and the Commissioner of Softball of course!

Janet said...

If you can abolish Congress (most especially that supreme waste of air, Mitch McConnell), I will volunteer for pigeon duty on the bomb dome.
I'm printing bumper stickers now.