Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Winter Carnival of the Insane

I was on a hillside in Korea, taking a short hike in the snow, when I saw him. He was dressed in a skin-tight orange and green leotard, and he was carrying two long skinny boards. I engaged him in conversation.

"Hello! Is the circus in town?"

"Excuse me?"

"I was just... um... admiring your outfit and I was wondering if you might be with the circus."

"Circus? No. I'm with the Estonians."

Ah, a religious cult! That explained the odd clothes. I continued my enquiry.

"What are you going to do with those boards?"

"Do you see that ramp over there?"

"The snow-covered one that ends in mid-air some thirty feet above the ground?"

"Yes. Well, I'm going to strap these boards to the bottom of my feet and then propel myself down that ramp as fast as possible. When I reach the end of the ramp, I'm going to jump."

"Good God, man, don’t do it! Think of your wife and children!"

"My wife and children? They're down there at the bottom of the hill."

"Then just turn around right now, walk back down to them, and thank your lucky stars someone came along and stopped you from killing yourself."

"Killing myself? Are you crazy?"

"Well, one of us may be. Where's your keeper?"

"My what?"

"The man who feeds you and gives you your medication and makes sure you get back to the home safely whenever you escape."

"Feeds me? Medication? Oh, you mean my trainer. He's over watching the skeletons."

"Skeletons! Where?"

"The next hill over."

I ran as fast as I could through the snow to the next hill. I asked the first person I saw where I could find the Estonian's doctor.

"Do you mean the trainer? I'm him."

"Oh, thank God! I was just over at that hill and..."


"Good Lord! I think that was a man!"

"Well, yes, it's the skeleton."

"No, no. That was a living person with a horrible grimace on his face and he must have gone by us at 80 miles an hour!"

"79.6, actually. Too bad. He's out of it."

"That’s an understatement! Aren't you going to do someth..."


"There goes another one!"

"Yes, and much better. 84.1 miles per hour! He's got a good chance."

"I don't think so! You say you're a doctor?"


"And you're just standing here watching these poor souls go hurtling by, doing nothing more than timing their hellish descent with a stopwatch? Your name wouldn't be Mengele, would it?"

"What are you jabbering about? This is the skeleton run."


"I suppose so! The bones must be piling up gruesomely! You fiend! I've got to find the police!"

I raced as fast as I could toward town, looking for a sane person. I came upon a lovely young girl.

"Excuse me, miss. Where is the nearest police sta..."

In my haste, I had failed to notice that the girl was only half-dressed. The poor child was obviously indigent, had worn the same clothes for many years, and outgrew them.

"Um, I don't mean to be indelicate, miss, but your panties are showing. Here, take my jacket and wrap it around your waist."

"Get away from me, you pervert. I have to get to the show."

"Show? What sort of show?"

"The ice show, of course."

"Ice show? What's going to happen there?"

"See these boots with skinny iron rods attached to the soles? I'm going to put them on and attempt to maneuver around a sheet of ice."

"Uh-huh. Wouldn't it be easier if you didn't have the metal rods on your shoes?"

"Well, duh! I don't have time for this, Grampaw. I have to meet my partner."

"Oh, you have a partner?"

"Yes, he helps me around the ice."

"Wouldn't he be more of a gentleman if he helped you home, where you could put on some decent clothes and a sensible pair of shoes? What else does your partner do for you?"

"He picks me up and spins me around, then he throws me in the air with all of his might."

"What?!? Where is he?"

She pointed to her left, but the only person I saw was a rather skinny fellow dressed in an extremely tight sky-blue waiter's outfit. I went to have a word with him.

"Excuse me, sir, but do you intend to forcefully pick up that young lady, twirl her in the air, and then toss her away like yesterday's rubbish? Not while I have my breath!”

With that, I raised my walking stick, intending to bring it down upon the top of that miscreant’s skull. However, as he ran away screaming, someone grabbed my cane from behind. I turned and saw a member of the local constabulary. Thank goodness! Now I could finally get someone to stop these many asylum escapees from doing harm to themselves and others.

"Come along, sir. There'll be no more of this from you."

He placed a pair of handcuffs on me!

"What are you doing?!? There's a man over there throwing himself off the side of a cliff while his wife and children watch! A mad doctor with a stopwatch clocking how long it takes for a living human to slide down an icy mountain! A poor defenseless underdressed urchin being forced to undergo physical trauma at the hands of a deranged waiter! Let me go! Let me go!"

As the policeman dragged me away, I heard a large crowd cheering. The last thing I remember seeing was a man sliding a big rock down a sheet of ice while two other men with mops feverishly swept a path in front of the rock. The man who had slid the rock was yelling, "Hard! Hard!"


"And that's when I woke up, doctor. I think I may be going insane. No one in his right mind should have the dreams I'm having. What's wrong with me? What should I do?"

"Shut off your TV before you go to sleep, Jim. Or, at least, don't leave it on NBC all night."

Soon, with more better stuff.


(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip said...

It doesn’t get much better than that, Sully.

messymimi said...

Heeheehee! Publish a book already, please!

Jenny Woolf said...

Another reason I'm glad I didn't watch the winter olympics. It doesn't go with eating rather late at night.