Thursday, March 28, 2013

Super-Duper Amazingly Fantastic Friday, All Sins Forgiven Or Your Money Back!

What is your reward for trying to help me out a couple of days ago? A rehash of an old post, of course! I wouldn't be me if I actually gave you something valuable.

What follows is a repeat from Good Friday of a few years back (and two or three times before then, too, because that's the sort of lazy slug I am.) I've always given it serious thought when putting this out here again and this year is no exception. In the end, I still believe every word in it. Whether I put it out here or not, the sentiments expressed in the piece are still in my heart. So, if God is omnipotent, and likes a joke as well - both of which I believe wholeheartedly - I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by re-publishing.

The only other thing nagging at me is whether or not it's self-serving to publish it again. After all, I just said "I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by re-publishing" and that sure sounds self-serving.

Nah. As I say, God knows what's in my heart. I might be misguided - I'd say it's 7 to 5 in favor of that proposition - but I have to believe He would find my intentions to be good. And, as everyone knows, the road to heaven is paved with good intentions!

Well, it's something like that. Enough blathering! Enjoy. Or, if you don't enjoy it, be a better Christian than me and say a prayer for my forgiveness.


It may be Good Friday as you read this. If you're here immediately as I posted it, it's Maundy Thursday. If you're late getting here, it could be Easter. If any case, what in hell are you doing reading this crap, you heathen? You couldn't possibly believe that anything I have to say is divinely inspired. Get your ass to church.

OK, now that the easily-guilted holy rollers are gone, let’s get down to business.

Jesus is hanging on the cross. He looks down and sees Mary Magdelene crying.

Jesus says, “Mary...”

Mary looks up, still crying, and says, “What is it, Lord?”

Jesus says, “Mary...”

Mary again says, “What is it, Lord?”

Jesus says, “Mary, it’s... amazing.”

Mary says, “What, Lord? What is it? What’s amazing?”

“I can see your house from up here!”

Whoa, Pilgrim! Don’t go away mad. You may think it’s just a crummy blasphemous joke, but I can justify almost anything. Nothing up my sleeve... PRESTO!

See, Jesus is closer to heaven and he can see Mary’s house IN HEAVEN. He’s telling her that her faith has saved her and that she will spend eternity in paradise. Hah!

And I guess that’s today’s lesson: It all depends upon your point of view. This is "Good" Friday, right? Why? Why do Christians call this "Good" Friday, when this is the anniversary of the day when their savior was murdered, the day He was nailed to a tree and died a miserable, painful death?

It's because without the cross – without that death - none of us can ever see our house in heaven, no matter how high up we are here on earth.

Hey! That was pretty good! Quick! Are the easily-guilted holy rollers still within shouting distance? Call them back. Maybe this is divinely inspired.

Let’s see if I can wriggle out of another one.

So, see the painting up above, of Jesus on the cross? There’s a plaque nailed to the cross, just above His head. The plaque reads "INRI." Want to know what it means?

I’m Nailed Right In.

Well, what it really means is lightning bolts should be coming any minute now, and I’ll be going to hell immediately, IF God doesn't have a sense of humor. However, I believe that God has an amazing sense of humor. My belief is that, when we die, we’re going to find out that this whole thing was one long and involved joke. And we’ll laugh and laugh and laugh when we hear the punch line.

Or, if you don’t find that terribly convincing, try this on for size. If God doesn’t have a sense of humor, what can we expect in the afterlife? An eternity without laughter? Hey, kill me now and leave me dead. None of that resurrection shit for me, thanks.

Or are some jokes theologically sound and others not? Maybe. We all have subjective senses of humor, I guess. Maybe God does, too. If so, the only way to know for sure is if we can hear God laugh. Then we’d know what He finds funny. Let's try it. Everybody be very quiet for a minute. Here goes.

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come this way before."

The second one replies "Must be the cobbles."

So, I don’t hear God laughing. I’m assuming you don’t hear anything, either, right? Well, that's OK, it wasn't a great joke. Maybe we'll try again later.

What it comes down to is having faith. One way or another, you've got to have faith. If you don't, you're screwed. My faith lives in the belief that everything is for the best and that everything will be revealed in the end. Now, if what's revealed in the end is that God has absolutely no sense of humor at all, and He's royally pissed off at me for this, then that's the way it goes; I'm doomed. But, if God has no sense of humor, I've been doomed for a long, long time now. You, too - so at least we'll all fry together.

(The following will seem totally unconnected, but wait for it.)

I remember watching The Mike Douglas Show one day when I was a kid, and he had this comedy troupe on. For the life of me, I can't remember their name. However, the bit they did has stuck with me forever. It was a parody of Moby Dick.

Ahab and Ishmael are standing on the deck of the Pequod. Ahab is looking through a telescope. Suddenly, he sees something and gets all excited.

Ishmael: "What is it? What do you see?"


Ishmael: "Give me a look."

Ahab hands him the telescope. Ishmael puts it up to his eye and looks out at the sea. After a little while, he takes the telescope down from his eye and hands it back to Ahab. He says:

"Eh. It's a good white whale..."

I know why it's called Good Friday. It's because people were saying, "What a horrible day! They've croaked Jesus!" And so it had to be explained, over and over, that this was actually not a bad thing when you consider how it plays out in the end. So, "Good" Friday.

But why not really get the point across? Why not go all the way and call it Great Friday? Or even Super-Duper Amazingly Fantastic Friday, All Sins Forgiven Or Your Money Back? A little salesmanship wouldn't hurt.

Well, that's about it for me. I'm doomed, right? Eternal damnation; fire and brimstone; some guy with horns, in a red union suit, poking me with a pitchfork.

Nah. See, Jesus died for our sins and that even includes crummy jokes, Thank God. And, if you're an atheist or otherwise not a believer in Christianity, I got you to actually consider this stuff for five minutes. I got you to read the name - Jesus - 12 or 13 times. I figure that's got to count for something.

Have a joyous Easter and I'll see you on Monday - unless I'm struck by lightning.

(Which, by the way, I would consider proof positive that God has a sense of humor, although personally I'd find it much funnier if He did it to the producers of Real Housewives of Orange County.)

ADDENDUM: Hilary believes it was The Ace Trucking Company who did the Moby Dick routine, and I do believe she's correct.

Soon, with more better stuff.


(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip said...

I forgot about this one.
So I got to laugh my ass off all over again.

If anyone doesn't believe God has a sense of humor...
...just make some plans.

joeh said...

Even God has to laugh at the Nun joke. If God didn't have a sense of humor why are there Nuns?

Great post for a Good Friday.

Jackie said...

Have a blessed Easter, my friend....

OldAFSarge said...

That was well worth reading. The first joke, my old pastor would've LOVED that one. Are you sure you're not a "man of the cloth"? (Wow, wouldn't that be a surprise for your missus!)

God most definitely has a sense of humor. After all, He blessed us with you Suldog and your marvelous wit! You always bring a little light into MY world.

May Peace be with you my friend! Have a Blessed Easter!

Buck said...

I shall now recite my "Suldog Repost Litany," which is pretty short, as litanies go:

Your reposts are better than most bloggers' original stuff.

See? Short, to the point, and like all good religious litanies, full o' Truth.

stephen Hayes said...

I've always believed that God had a sense of humor. He'd go nuts taking us too seriously.

Chris said...

If God has a sense of humor (and he MUST . . . look no further than the duck-billed platypus or Florida to find proof of that), he wouldn't strike you down with a bolt of lightning. It's a tired cliche (so, incidentally, is the term "tired cliche"). He'd smite you with a rubber chicken or maybe blast from a fire hose.

Lowandslow said...

Of course He has a sense of humor. I'm here, aren't I? ;)


Michelle H. said...

Happy Easter!

sandyland said...

Thanks Blessed Easter all !!

Anonymous said...

I must have missed this one before, so I'm glad you reposted it!! I'm with you on the sense of humor thing - we're made in his image, after all, right? (And please pray for me because I laughed at the nun joke :)

Jeni said...

I agree wholeheartedly with your premise in this post as well as in each and every comment made before mine now too! Your mention of whether or not God has a sense of humor reminded me of a lady I know quite well -a very strong, big-hearted, believer of the Christian faith -who was married twice -each husband had the same first name too. (The name thing isn't really that important but I always thought it was kind of cool that the men in her life shared the same first name.) Anyway, her ex-husband and her 2nd husband died with in a day (or maybe it was 2 days) of each other. My son drove me up to her house to deliver some food (home-baked goods as many people do bring food to the home of the bereaved) and the reason my son drove me up there was because it was a terrible snow-storm of a night. He handed her the bread I had made and we spoke briefly about the circumstances of the passing of both these men and her comment to us was "Makes me a firm believer that God definitely has a sense of humor -a bit strange one at that at times -but a sense of humor all the same." Oh and by the way, I did hear something -a noise -as I read the "nun" joke but then I realized it was me chuckling away! And also -I think there is a whole lot of good logic to your words and theories in this piece! Now keep it coming -whether it is a rerun or new material, it matters not as it's all good!

The Geezers said...


Jokes like that are why I became a Buddhist.

Buddhist to the pizza chef: "Make me one with everything,"

Craig said...

Okay, standing just a bit clear, off to the side, just in case. . . ;)

OF COURSE God has a sense of humor; He created sex, didn't He? (Which, now as I think on it, is pretty slam-dunk empirical evidence of His goodness, too. . .)

Good save on the first joke, btw. . . "In my Father's house are many rooms. . ."

Daryl said...

you really need a rim shot machine :::rimshot:::

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

I have a rimshot machine ...sort of
It's here

Along These Lines ... said...

The good thing about blogs is it's YOURS and you can say what you like, and too bad if anyone takes offence. Bloggers also seem to have a good sense of humor.

messymimi said...

Yes, the Good Lord has a sense of humor. And yes, i'm praying for you! ;)

lime said...

of course he has a good sense of humor. he invented the platypus didn't he?

happy easter to you and YOUR WIFE.

Hilary said...

Thanks for the re-laughs. :) Happy Easter to you and yours, Jim.

Karen said...

Haha... Happy Easter, Jim!

Clare Dunn said...

OK. So I'm two weeks late commenting. So sue me.

Rhode Island children were guilted into believing that 'INRI' meant he was crucified in our state. God laughs at me all the time for being dumb enough to fall for that one.

xoxoxo, c