Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Welcome To The World Of Tomorrow

(Before we begin, I'll remind you to visit THANKSGIVING COMES FIRST on Facebook. LIKE it, damn you!)

(OK, perhaps that was a little too authoritarian of me. If you LIKE it, I'll tell you a story.)

(Thank you. Here goes.)

(But first, let me allay your fears. With a title like the one I've given this piece, and coming on the heels of Election Day here in America, you may have the idea that this will be a political diatribe. It won't. For one thing, I wouldn't even know where to begin. The many and myriad ways this country decided to send itself down the tubes yesterday leaves me so dispirited that I can't speak on any one subject without foaming at the mouth. If I start talking politics here, and you stick with me, neither of us will get any work done and the economy will tank even further. That seems inevitable now, anyway, but if my shutting up will stem the tide a little, I'm willing to do my bit.)

(I will say, though, that The 5% Rule seems to have once again been proven true.)

(And now we'll find out if the liberals are willing to put their money where their mouths are. When Bush lost the popular vote, but won the electoral, the pissing and moaning could be heard from coast-to-coast. With it looking as though Romney will have won the popular vote, but Obama will remain in office due to an electoral college win, we'll see if the complaining is on par. I tend to doubt it, but who knows?)

(Anything else? Yeah. I'm happy about one thing. Medical Marijuana was approved in Massachusetts. Opponents said that this was an attempt to have pot completely legalized via the back door. You bet your ass it was. Now that we have a foot in the door, my fervent hope is that we use the other foot to kick the fucking door down completely.)

(Elizabeth Warren. Oy.)

(Sorry. I can't help it. If I kept this shit in, I'd become an ax murderer. At least when I vent it by writing, lives are spared. Here comes the friendly part of today's stuff.)

MY WIFE and I have finally made it to 2012. This past Saturday, we bought a trio of services from RCN. Instead of my having to access teh intertubes exclusively at work, we now have access at home. We had a landline phone until the past weekend, but now we have phone service via our internet provider. We also upgraded our cable TV service to include TIVO.

What this ultimately means, of course, is that I can once again pretend I'm way younger than I actually am. Not having an internet connection at home labeled me as an extremely ancient fart. I was outed daily as a geezer when I revealed we still relied on a landline for our communication needs. When folks found out I still suffered through actual commercials while viewing TV, I was regarded as some sort of mentally deficient relic from prehistoric times. Now I can go into chat rooms, pretend I'm 16 while talking to teenage girls, and nobody will be any the wiser!

No, maybe that's not such a good idea. Still, I could if I wanted to, so I have once again become potentially dangerous (which is, by most measures, a sure sign of youth.) Meanwhile, MY WIFE has shown early warning signs of addiction.

We had decided to get up early on Tuesday and go to the polls at 7am to vote, the earliest possible time in our precinct. I awoke at 6:20, came out of the bedroom, and found MY WIFE at the keyboard with slightly bloodshot eyes. I asked her how long she had been surfing. She confessed to having been doing so since 5am.

I tried to be understanding. I've been able to satisfy my cravings for internet interactions whenever I've gone to work, but she hasn't. This is the first time she's been fully free to explore any and all aspects of world-wide webbiness. Her job, unlike mine, did not allow her to freely graze in the pastures of electronic delight. Her travels were highly regulated and confined, whereas mine were graciously allowed (so long as the work got done and was up to snuff.) So, I didn't get all snarky on her ass. I did, however, raise a slight ruckus concerning one thing she had done.

She left messages for people using MY Facebook account. By any measure, that is considered a serious breach of netiquette.

One of the messages wasn't so bad. She wished my sister-in-law a Happy Birthday. I probably would have done that myself if I wasn't entirely self-absorbed. I think she also asked her to vote early, vote often, and vote Libertarian (two-thirds of which I'm in favor of.) It was the other message that irked me a bit. She commented to one of my softball teammates concerning his profile picture.

I can't remember the exact words she used, but it struck me as something that had the possibility of making me look totally gay. I don't have anything at all against gay people, but I prefer to have my sexuality recognized for what it is: unapologetic heterosexual horndoggery. And so I sent a follow-up message to my buddy:

"MY WIFE is all excited about having The Internet, so she's been sending you messages in my sleep. By the way, what IS up with that photo?"

I'm not sure if that cleared me. If it didn't, I'll make fun of his weight the next time I see him. As much as I don't want to say anything that might hurt his feelings, I'll have to. Straight guys are the only ones who make fat jokes these days. Women and gay guys don't do it because... well, I'm not entirely sure why they don't, since fat jokes are almost as funny as dick jokes, but they don't. And my being a total a-hole will prove to my buddy that I'm not interested in being his a-hole. Or something like that. If you're a straight guy yourself, you understand. And more's the pity, probably.

So, anyway, yeah, I've entered the current century (electronically, if not mentally.) I'll try to get MY WIFE to set up her own Facebook page next, and she has also expressed a desire to have her own blog. This, of course, means that there will actually be somebody on-line who can fact check my blog and offer rebuttals, so I'll only be half as entertaining as I am now since much of my value as a writer resides in my stunning ability as a liar. However, in the first two days we had TIVO, she recorded three shows, so she may never get around to it.

(TIVO is like some big, friendly, completely retarded cousin. Just like that relative who kept telling you to try the asparagus au gratin at the last family reunion, it keeps suggesting stuff to us that, in its lumbering way, it thinks we will like. MY WIFE recorded the following shows: CBS Sunday Morning, Call The Midwife, and The Mark Twain Prize telecast. Working from that list, TIVO suggested that we would like Pardon The Interruption, James Robison, Remember The Titans, and The Glass Menagerie. I'd usually insert a joke at this point, but why bother?)  

Soon, with more better stuff (although, if you see my profile pic suddenly changed to a LOL cat or something, it may not be me, so be wary.)


Kat said...

I had a very difficult time pulling myself out of bed this morning. Welcome to socialist America. Ugh.
And don't even get me started on the popular vote not winning.
I can't even talk about it. I can't.

Anyway, sounds like your wife is gonna be in big trouble with the internet around now. ;) Congrats to you two kids!

Michelle H. said...

Ah, you've entered the 21st century! Now, all you need is a cell phone.

Suldog said...

Kat, Michelle - Thank you. Sooner or later we'll figure it all out.

Jackie said...

You know that I woke up with a weight in the pit of my tummy; I'm wondering where in the world the "pie in the sky" 'stuff' the liberals are tossing to the populous is going to come from. (Pardon that preposition at the end of the sentence. Just feeling dangly this morning.)
Regarding your trip into the technological wonder(s)....Congratulations!! Hopefully, your WIFE has her own FB page by now (congratulations to her too!!)

Suldog said...

Jackie - I still need to do a completely balls-out rant. I've got too much crap boiling over inside of me. Maybe I will. But I don't want to turn people off from the "Thanksgiving Comes First" stuff by doing so. I'm torn.

Daryl said...

Keep breathing .. the world did not end, America is still a democracy not a socialist republic .. and if both sides of the 'aisle' would stop all this horse-assery nonsense of blocking bills in order to defeat a man they don't like and want to see fail(I am not going to go into why I think they want him to fail) and remember they were not elected to make someone fail, they were elected to get their constituents needs taken care of ... their job is not to pander to Lobbyists but to support what the people in their districts expect to see happen.... and like when your sports team loses, there's always next time ...

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

Welcome to the next century of internet access! Now the first thing you should do is search for the movie The Net and Tivo it. After you watch it you may change your mind about having internet at home...

Craig said...


I've been chanting to myself over and over, for the past few months: "It's only politics; it's not ultimate Truth. One way or another, we'll all (well most of us, anyway) live thru the next four years, and if we're fortunate, the proportion of our lives on which politics has a direct impact will be blessedly small. . . It's only politics; it's not ultimate Truth. . ."

And yet, I can't deny the uneasiness that's creeping into the back of my brain, 'cuz it seems like some folks think it IS ultimate Truth. . .

Anyway, I'll be 60 the next time we do this; I suppose I ought to cherish the few opportunities I have left. . .

Anyway, as to what you said you really wanted to write about - I'm with ya. Jen and I were a decade-and-a-half behind the curve on our first microwave, our first VCR (which we got just in time for it to be driven out by DVDs), and our first cordless phone (and now, of course, our younger friends look at us with astonishment and ask, "You still have a (*gasp*) LAND LINE??)

I've heard tell of this TiVO thing. Does it have a clock on it that will flash '12:00' until I die?

Suldog said...

Daryl - Indeed. As I've expressed elsewhere today (maybe at your place, too?) we still possess the main freedoms needed for all freedoms to live - freedom of speech, freedom of the press, and freedom to vote as we please. I'm not totally apoplectic. Thanks, love.

Suldog said...

Jenn - Aieeeeee! I don't need any virtual nightmares, thanks. It was tough enough figuring out how to get this stuff to all actually work (I didn't go into that because I didn't want to look any stupider than I already do!)

Suldog said...

Craig - The one fantastic thing about TIVO (there are probably others, but for now this one will suffice for conversation) is that it flashes NOTHING. It just does its job (although, while recording, the display does change a bit, but unobtrusively for the most part.)

Buck said...

Ah, well. I've rendered my garments, am saving my cigar ashes (I have the remnants of two such, already), and will go shopping and/or lookin' around for sack cloth today. My whiskey consumption will prolly spike, too... if last night is any indication.


And here I thought the last four years were way too long.

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

If you really, really, really feel the need to blast one, I offer you the opportunity over at my place

You can even use a nom de guerre (I do)

It isn't called Well, oh yeah!!! for nothin'

lime said...

welcome to the 21st century. we don't even have tivo so congrats there.

now the important stuff, if YOUR WIFE starts a blog i intend to be one of her first readers since i know from personal experience how utterly hilarious she is.

Barbara said...

I can't believe it! You've actually been in the 21st century for awhile, if only part time, like a time traveler or something, so I'll say welcome to your WIFE. By the way, you had me laughing so hard by the end of this! You and your WIFE are beginning to remind me of George and Gracie! In a very youthful way, of course.

Suldog said...

ALL - Flames will be shooting out of my mouth (at least, I think it's my mouth) sometime tomorrow. Wear your asbestos underwear if you come back.

stephen Hayes said...

It's surprising that you don't already have legalized medicinal pot. Oregon turned down legalizing it but Washington State next door legalized pot for recreational use. Time to dust off my bong. there's dust on it.

Tabor said...

Well, Suldog, you and I will have to agree to disagree, because I am very contented this morning...both for the results of the electoral and popular votes. BUT, blogging is not my place for politics. I do dare you to watch The Midwife...then blog on it. I would love your take.

Jimmy said...

Oh Yes the wife on your Facebook account, heck I found out that I actually had a virtual farm one day and was doing really well with it, I wouldn't even know how to get to the farm or harvest the candy corn or whatever they grow, not sure if this is a hip thing or not, but just because she has her own FB account wont keep her off yours Ha Ha

The election I have to hang my head in disgust over, and like you if I start....

messymimi said...

This first-cousin-to-a-Luddite congratulates you and says, better you than me on the TIVO, as i don't watch TV at all.

If Your Wife starts a blog, let me know, and i'll follow. She must be special, married to you (and yes, i mean that as a compliment to both of you).

Hilary said...

I suspect I would love YOUR WIFE's blog. I hope it happens soon.

Ami said...

I can't comment about the elections without starting to feel anxious and sad and hopeless.

As for TIVO and FB (I think facebook is the antichrist), well, welcome to the future?

I just got texting added to my phone last year. I am sure the next big thing is just around the corner, which will lead people to say things to me such as, "Oh, you still text? How quaint!"

Sueann said...

Welcome to the 21st century!! The air is clear here and I love your company! And it will be cool to meet your wife!!
Blog away away!

Unknown said...

(Electoral vs. popular vote: Yeah, but popular democracy ain't all we often assume it to be. The electoral college was a compromise, an attempt at balance, for better or worse, but probably not for good or evil.)

(Medical marijuana: Ha! Love it! [Your comments, that is. I've never tried medical marijuana.])

(Elizabeth Warren: Yeah, but if Scott Brown was telling the truth, he's exactly like her, except that he doesn't believe in social liberalism. Oy vey.)

Internet: Clearly the biggest time-waster since sliced bread. There ought'a be a law agin it!


Jeni said...

I don't doubt for a NY minute that this country still has a lot of rough roads ahead especially with respect to the economy. But I also think, considering the mess the DUBYA left for Obama, he managed, somehow, to get a few things across, even with the yahoos on the hill trying everything in their collective powers to make him fail. Nor do I think that the end of the world as we know it is just around the next bend now either, as I do think the other choice was totally out of touch with the lifestyles of the very common people, particularly those below (way below) even the middle class level, whatever the heck denotes middle class anyway. But one thing for sure, I will be looking forward to reading any and all rants you do on that topic or any others for that matter. As to Your Wife and her internet obsession now, I'm also looking forward to "The Rest of the Story" aka "Life With Suldog" -certainly not akin to "Father Knows Best" but maybe on a slightly different level. My computer here gets used by me, my daughter, occasionally by my son, by the stepgranddaughter and now, even by Maya, who at age 9 likes to go "Window Shopping" (usually looking at new Sketcher shoes, just like her aunt with her shoe obsession) or playing on "Paint" as does her little brother too. Because my daughter and I are the main users of this equipment, both of us on Facebook and we have a whole lot of the same friends too, sometimes, if I'm not paying really close attention, I may not realize I am commenting on my daughter's FB and not on my own, which at times upsets or embarrasses my daughter which usually causes me to like FB even more then!