First Date Etiquette

There are many people, who:

A - Are single, and have never dated before.

B - Have recently divorced or separated, following a long-term relationship, and need advice on gracefully re-entering the dating scene.

C - Who simply like to enjoy a good laugh at the expense of A and B.

For those who fall into one of the above categories (or who just plain fall down, now and again, for no apparent reason) I present the following lesson in first date etiquette.

Of course, you're probably asking yourself a very good question, which is this:

What makes you so qualified to hand out such advice, Sullivan?

Well, if you had asked me the question, instead of yourself, I might have given you a very good answer. Instead, I'll tell you that talking to yourself is something you should avoid if you want to make a good first impression on a date.

(Please remember that the following advice does not necessarily reflect the opinion of anyone sane, and any unauthorized reproduction, without the expressed written consent of the person with whom you wish to reproduce, is against the law in every state, even Arkansas.)

Let's start with some pointers!

(More pointers, and an occasional schnauzer or two, may be found in another piece of mine, "First Dog Etiquette"...)

DO'S & DON'TS

*DO always be sure to make arrangements for the date before picking up the person you are dating. If you fail to make these arrangements first, it's called "kidnapping".

*DO remember to bring your date chocolates and flowers. This way, if your date backs out at the last minute, you can eat the chocolates and smell the flowers so the evening shouldn't be a total waste.

*DO always be mindful of your personal grooming. Shower, shave, wear something nice, and don't pick your nose. Nothing is quite so disastrous on a first date as being a dirty unshaven bum who picks his nose.

*DO remember that the person you're dating is also on their first date with you! Be especially considerate of their feelings. If, for instance, your date calls you an ignorant flea-bitten scumbag, assume that it's just nerves on his or her part, and remain a gentleman (or a lady, depending upon what you were when the date began).

*DON'T take undue notice of your date's unusual habits or mannerisms. Remember that this is just your first date. Not only might you have some type of behavior that is just as distressing to your date, but what seems to be especially boorish now may well turn out to be something you will find cute as the relationship deepens. Of course, if your date is a dirty unshaven bum who picks his nose, this is unlikely.

*DON'T tell off-color stories and jokes, or make any remarks concerning sexual matters, until you're fairly certain that the person you're with is at least as perverted and depraved as you are.

*If you're a man, DON'T automatically pick up the tab. This is considered, by some women in this modern age, to be an act of chauvinism, highly insulting. Instead, give the woman a chance to be the one who pays. In this manner, not only will you show her that you consider her your equal, you might save a few bucks. On top of that, you'll find out just how desperate she is to be liked, and you can use that knowledge later in the evening to bolster your confidence during your clumsy attempts at coercing sex from her.

*DON'T be a dirty unshaven bum who picks his nose! This cannot be stressed enough!

Alright. Now that you've learned a few basics, let's see how you fare on a short quiz.

All of these questions were chosen to measure a subject's attitudes and responses in regard to human relations in general, and not just in a dating situation. However, unless you plan on dating outside of your species, the correct answers are still applicable.

Choose the response which most closely matches your own feelings. If you find no answer that matches your own feelings, use someone else's feelings. Ready? Let's go!

1) Your date shows up at your door with his or her mother. What is your reaction?

a) Act as though nothing is out of the ordinary, and invite them both in.
b) Tell them you've suddenly come down with a terrible headache, and the date is off.
c) Pitch mom down the stairs and make love to your date right in the hallway.
d) Pitch your date down the stairs and make love to the mother.

2) Your date tells you that instead of going to see a movie and having a nice quiet dinner in a fancy restaurant, he instead has purchased two tickets to the roller derby and has a coupon good for two Whoppers for the price of one. Do you...

a) Go to the roller derby, and even treat for the burgers?
b) Explain that it isn't fair to change plans at the last minute, then refuse to go?
c) Pitch your date down the stairs and make love to the mother?
d) Pitch a shit fit?

3) Your date shows up wearing day-glo orange sneakers, a tie that lights up and says "World's Greatest Lover", and carrying a 5 pound box of chocolates. You...

a) Ignore the impropriety and eat the chocolates?
b) Ignore the chocolates and eat the impropriety?
c) Pitch your date down the stairs and make love to the mother?
d) Go put on YOUR day-glo orange sneakers and "World's Greatest Lover" tie, while mentally making wedding arrangements?

Score yourself in the following manner: Take a carving knife and, starting at the base of the throat, make an incision 25 inches long.

NEXT: Why Ice Cream Doesn't Have Bones, But You Do.

Soon, with more better stuff.