Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Face In The Mirror

[This was inspired by a post of the same title, at Long Hollow, written by the most excellent Barbara Shallue. As a matter of fact, the poem below is her work, and good work it is. I have made a few slight changes from her original in order to reflect my own experiences.]

Face in the mirror

You are the face I recognize, the face I know, the face I greet each morning and try to rationalize a reason not to shave.

Yes, the face I love, despite the lines and scars and spots and occasional crusty stuff in my eyelids where in hell does that come from?

You and I have traveled together, collected mementos of Life and other board games.

Your eye-crinkles and mouth-creases... reminders of laughter and reasons to smile and the many, many, many, many alcoholic beverages and cold pills.

Deep lines between your brows... etched during late nights learning to count cards in another vain attempt at not having to work 9-to-5 anymore.

Tiny scar on your forehead... souvenir of the time you used your parents bed as a trampoline and cracked your skull against the headboard when you were three. Or was it twenty-six? I forget.

Dark spots... I've never understood why only part of me freckles and the rest stays white. What's up with that? Freckles are like a permanent tan, but only on part of you. That's really messed up when you think of it.

(And how did I get this one freckle on my penis? I don't recall losing my pants at the beach. And where's my underwear? While we're at it, whose dog is this? And why is he looking at me that way?)

Remember The Alamo!

Is Barbara still reading? You really should visit her place. That's the least she should get out of this. And, anyway, this isn't as funny as it would be if you had seen her original and compared the two.

My Life

Better yet, MY WIFE.

My face.

(Or is it a canned ham...)

Soon, with more better stuff.


Craig said...

OK, I was with you until you got to the freckle on yer schlong. . .

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, yours is much better than mine! Love it! Thanks for the laugh - an honest-to-goodness, "laugh out loud and choke on my lunch" laugh!!

silly rabbit said...

LOL! How did that get there?

Buck said...

What Craig said. Overshare. But mebbe not for the distaff side. ;-)

Mich said...

BRILLIANT!!! I've printed this out and may have it framed.

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip said...

"(Or is it a canned ham...)"

It is what it is.

Suldog said...

Gee! Thanks, Skip!

Shammickite said...

Methinks you've given me a leeetle bit too much information, Sully.

messymimi said...

Bigger Girl loves poetry. Thought about reading this aloud, since she is in the kitchen now. Glad i didn't, although this is very, very funny.

Jeni said...

Now I'm wondering just how it came about that you were "searching" for freckles and found that one lone one there in that particular place. Care to explain that bit, Jim?
And come to think about the poem a tad more makes me think the "Canned ham" is a pretty accurate self-description but not just of yourself -rather for many of us!

Kat said...

Heh heh heh.

You're a real sicko.

I like that about you. ;)

Sueann said...

I don't know but I don't think I needed to know about "that" freckle!!

Suldog said...

Sheesh. All this fuss about a freckle. OK, here's the deal: I've had that freckle since I was about 8 or 9. No idea how it came to be there, unless I had a small hole in a bathing suit when I got a sunburn.


Michelle H. said...

Words fail me, Canned Ham, although that scar on your forehead sounds like a goods story in the making.

Schlong freckles? That make a good name for a band, Mr. Flaming LaRue.

Daryl said...

I usually never ever drink coffee while reading your blog (ok, when its a sports post I do sip but I check before I do just in case) and this is why .. please send me a new keyboard, I snorted coffee all over it...

notactuallygod said...

Mirror, mirror on the wall-
who talks to mirrors anymore?

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

Didn't the Schlong Freckles open for the Grateful Dead at Altamont?

Chris said...

"Mementos of Life and other board games."


Great stuff, Jim, as usual.

Hilary said...

Too funny. I had indeed read Barbara's post and it's wonderful. And yours is hysterical.

Moannie said...

I would imagine that the freckle is a beauty spot, Jim...we all have one somewhere on our bodies and why not put one where [very few?] people will see it.

A laugh out loud post from my fav.

lime said...

ok, i am totally stealing this idea too and will credit appropriately. too much fun! barbara's is a wonderful affirmation and yours is a hilarious celebration.

as for the freckle thing...well i am married to a redheaded man...yeah, i'll just leave it at that....other than to say "dong freckles" would be a great name for a rock band.

Alice said...

hey you
l am back but in a different place

luv ALice (fff)

Clare Dunn said...

This morning, you and Eddie Bluelights have prompted me to put "Depends" on today's shopping list.

xoxoxo, cd

Anonymous said...

Very cute, Suldog. Maybe TMI about your special freckle, but we're all adults reading this, I hope.

I have a special freckle too; it's a huge one on top of my right foot behind my little toe. I've had it all my life, I watch it for signs of skin cancer.....and get sick & tired of doctors gasping whenever they see it because they think it's a skin cancer.

No, not interested in showing you my freckle if you show me yours. :-)

ethelmaepotter! said...

I love Barbara's for it's honesty and simplicity, but yours is just plain old hilarious.

THIS is my favorite freckle part - "Freckles are like a permanent tan, but only on part of you. That's really messed up when you think of it." I couldn't agree more!

"And whose dog is this?" reminds me of a friend of long ago. He had a wickedly off-the-wall sense of humor...worked for a small locally owned grocery store, carrying packages to cars. One day, as he walked outside with an elderly lady, they were greeted by a pack of yapping dogs in the parking lot. Quipped Roger: "Which dog are you on?"

He got fired.

But that line became his classic!

Remember the Alamo!

PS - By the way, thanks for dropping in on my grandbaby post. And since you are one who doesn't especially think babies are cute, I take it as the highest compliment that you like mine!

PPS - Notice how I refrained from speaking of the unusually placed freckle?

PPPS - Well, I guess I have to take that back. Dang.

Ruth and Glen said...

Using your parents bed as a trampoline. . . received a few bruises ourselves from those headboards. But what fun times!

The crusty eyelid stuff, the freckled penis, the dog. . . LMAO!!

i beati said...

admiring the stache sk

Matt Conlon said...

If it was supposed to be hairless, it wouldn't grow hair!

...ladies, don't read too much into that statement...

Anonymous said...

Read Barbara's too.
Both posts made me chuckle.
Have a good week-end. Although you probably won't see this until Monday, so hope you had a good one. :)

Fi from Four Paws and Whiskers said...

I actually came back to read this after reaing this one..
thanks to both for a great laugh


Karen said...

Had to go read Barbara's then come back and read this again. Much funnier the second time! Good stuff!