Friday, June 24, 2011

You Want The Truth?

You can't handle the truth!

This has absolutely nothing to do with A Few Good Men or Jack Nicholson. As a matter of fact, it has little to do with anything. I'll give you an explanation, anyway, since I like to hear myself write.

My good friend, Lime, gave me the Versatile Blogger Award.

(Wrong! That sentence actually could be more ludicrous. Her name could be Kumquat and she might have given me the Man Who I Want To Cover In Chocolate And Lick Even More Than Hugh Jackman Award.)

Here is the actual badge of dishonor under discussion.

Now, before we go on, I wish to clarify something.

Hah! It's a cooking joke! Thank you! I'll be here all week! Try the veal!

OK, where were we? Oh, yes. I usually make it a practice to not accept the same award twice. And I have been given this particular piece of disgrace before. It was foisted upon me by the entirely lovely (yet demented) Sweet Pea.

(HERE is the proof, both of my getting the award and, if you click a few more links within that piece, her dementia.)

(Or mine. I'm never 100% sure about these things.)

Anyway, when some internet equivalent to chlamydia is bestowed upon me, I generally try to find a cheap way out. And the easiest is to say, "Gee Willikers! You know, (insert name of idiot here), I'm really very thrilled that you decided to honor me with one of the most meaningless shows of appreciation outside of a daytime Emmy, but I've already had the pleasure. Thanks just the same, and if you're ever going to be in my neck of the woods, give me three days notice so I can alert the authorities and get a restraining order, OK? Thanks much!" Lime, however, is actually a person I consider a real and true friend. We have met. Here's proof.

(You can feel free to make whatever comments you wish about her tongue. I won't, since MY WIFE took that photo.)

Anyway, I like Lime. I liked her even more when she allowed me to use the following photo for the cover art on the CD released by my imaginary band.

(Yes, my imaginary band. But it has real people in it. You must be getting entirely sick of all the links by now, but go HERE. See?)

So, getting back to nothing in particular, and I'll try to tie this all together at some point later on, I was cruising a few blogs I hadn't visited in a while, and when I got to Everyday Goddess, I saw that she had posted the bulk of a blog interview she had done with Eddie Bluelights, one of his "roasts".

(I'm not done with the links. If there haven't been enough to keep you busy, there will be more.)

Her responses to Eddie's questions were good and solid. Meanwhile, here's a link to the time Eddie roasted me (which was actually a roasting by the originator of the roast, David McMahon [may his tribe increase!] with additional dithering [I think that's what they call it] by Eddie. And I thought to myself, "Self, since you have nothing planned for the immediate future, you could do what Everyday Goddess has done and re-post your roast!" (which could get me arrested in some states, but De Gustibus Non Est Disputandum, as my grandfather said the first time he saw Lime's tongue.)

Since I'm basically a lazy sluggard with no ambition, that seemed a good enough way to fill space. So, I went about beginning the construction of said piece, but then Lime told me that she was giving me VD... excuse me, an award... so, I have now decided to combine both the reprint of the roast and the award reception.

(This will be an absolute mess, much like all else you've already been through here today.)

(Did I need to tell you that? No, you knew it wasn't going to get any better. However, I sometimes can't help becoming overly pedantic [is there such a thing as perfectly pedantic?] although I have thus far been able to ignore the voices that tell me to take a machete to DEA agents, just in case any are reading and are willing to let their guard down.)

Here it is, whatever it is.

(I should like to point out that the questions are the actual questions given by Eddie Bluelights and/or David McMahon. The answers, since this is about getting an award and I am (in)famously known for reaming out those who give them to me, are as a person with absolutely no compunction about hurting feelings might give.)

[Note: I am not a person who has absolutely no compunction about hurting feelings. I care. I do not like to hurt people's feelings. So, if this offends you, go and fuck yourself.]

Here's the first of the standard questions. Why do you blog?

Only to please Lime. Have you seen her tongue? Holy Anteater, Batman!

(I'd also throw in some joke about a G-string, given the guitar photo, but it's too much work.)

What's the story behind your blog name?

There isn't one. It's my nickname. Duh.

By the way, do you know why Lime calls herself "Lime"? It's because she has big patches of scaly green skin.

(They don't show up in the photos, but trust me. I've met her.)

She was going to call herself "Crocodile", but crocodiles don't have pits.

(I have no idea what that means. If you do, drop me a line.)

What is the best thing about being a blogger?

Getting to meet people such as Lime who have tongues the size of Rhode Island and gnarly green skin. Otherwise, I can't come up with anything at the moment. I could spout some twaddle about getting to meet wonderful people from other blogs, but the only reason I ever visit them is so that they'll visit me in return. It's all very incestuous, not unlike a circle jerk between hillbilly cousins.

What key advice would you give to a newbie blogger?

Get to know Lime! If you're really nice to her, she'll show you her tongue (and she won't show you the green scaly alligator skin. Or maybe it was crocodile. I don't know. You expect me to keep track of this crap?) Otherwise, my best advice would be to not blog, ever, unless you have inordinate amounts of free time for which you can't find any other use. The vast majority of your peers will be slack-jawed droolers who think their cats are uniquely hilarious when dressed in a funny hat and who cannot spell 'lose' (not that anyone should expect a cat to be able to spell anything.) Most of those who don't fall into the preceding category are OK, but still losers (or loosers) of one stripe or another (especially the tabbies.) Occasionally, a true talent will be found, but he or she will have some hideous fault that prevents them from ever becoming truly successful (such as using far too many parentheses for no discernible reason.) I'd estimate that those who graduate from a blog to an actual writing career are about 1 in 500,000. Those who deserve to do so are about 1 in 10,000,000. Me? I'm just a dickwad.

[From HERE. Extra bonus points because the hat is a LIME!!!]

What is the most significant blog post you've ever read?

Maybe THIS ONE. I'll tell you for sure when I get around to reading it. I'm pretty backed up right now (which has nothing to do with reading, actually, but I thought I'd throw it out there in case anyone had some spare Ex-Lax they might like to send me.)

(Nah, don't pay any attention to that. I'm just full of shit.)

What is the most significant blog post you've ever written?

All of them. I especially like this one you're reading now. Or maybe the one about me jerking off in a high school bathroom. Yeah, I'd say that's about the height of my prowess, both literally and figuratively, so let's go with that. Oh, and gratuitous mention of Lime!


That's it for whatever this was. There were some rules and stuff, about telling seven things that nobody knew about you before, but I don't care (and if there aren't seven things within this that you never knew before, I'd be mighty surprised. So would the cats, but they always are.)

And here's where I sign off in the usual way (which is something you should do if you want to reach the lofty heights to which I have transpired, which is about the sort of grammar you can expect from most other bloggers, and get similar awardages.)

Soon, with more better stuff. As a matter of fact, very soon!


[From HERE, and I think that fulfills my yearly quota of cats, which all blogs must meet.]


silly rabbit said...


Buck said...

(such as using far too many parentheses for no discernible reason.)

Someone, somewhere is working up a "Master of Parentheses" blogging award and you're the odds-on fave to win it. The inner-nets are too big for this NOT to happen.

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

" best advice would be to not blog, ever..."

Too late.

"(Nah, don't pay any attention to that. I'm just full of shit.)"

...and parenthesisses <- is that a word?

Chris said...

How have I missed the "jerking off in a school bathroom post?" I'll be right back, gotta read THAT one.

Chris said...

Okay, I did read it before, but apparently I had blocked it from my memory.

"Crotch taffy" brought it all back.


Michelle H. said...

*snicker* crotch taffy *snicker*

You haven't lost your touch. Your pull at getting such streams of laughter is what draws me back to such voluminous reading.

(get yer mind out the gutter)

i beati said...

again with the humility Are you still celebrating the CUP??

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip said...

Well you know that you'll get lots and lots of hits on this post because you've mentioned kittens and jerking off.

lime said...

Her name could be Kumquat and she might have given me the Man Who I Want To Cover In Chocolate And Lick Even More Than Hugh Jackman Award.)

dammit, why didn't I think of that????

this was a great giggle to come home to and since laughter is good medicine i am doing just great right now. thanks for playing along in your one of a kind way. i mean i was praised for my tongue, had my skin compared to a crocodile, and mentioned along with hillbilly circle jerks and cats with hats. What more could a girl possibly ask for....well, aside from a chocolate dipped hugh jackman that is, but hey, even i recognize there are limits to what can be done in a blog post.

did i ever tell you if i ever had a dog i'd name if quat just so i could call, "come, quat!" it;s true.

anyway, i am fully gratified by the skewering provided. wait, that kinda makes me sound like richard harris in "a man called horse."

well, thanks in any event. :)

messymimi said...

When i saw the title, i wasn't sure i wanted the truth, but i did want to read. Glad i did.

Sueann said...

I need a cat with a lime helmet for sure!! Make my days go much better. Just like yours!!!!!!! Ha!

Jeni said...

This post should or could have been titled, "The truth and nothing but the truth."
I'm just ultra happy that you came out of semi-blog-retirement a little while back and are now doing your normal thing with blog awards!
Lime really keeps that green scaly skin under control (and wraps) quite nicely though, doesn't she?

Maggie May said...

Oh My Goodness! What a read. Had me in stitches.
Hope no cats were hurt in the making of that post!
I now see Lime in a new light! I see all limes now in a new light!
Keep on making people laugh!
Maggie X

Nuts in May said...

I'm not quite sure what the hell all that was about, but I do know I loved it! It definitely had more better stuff.

Craig said...

Well, I envy you for actual live-in-person contact with one of my very favorite people; something I've not yet managed myself (I do have a set of tie-dyed napkins, tho, and a couple pairs of nifty tie-dyed socks, which I get out every so often to sniff, since she touched them once upon a time) (wait, is that creepy?). . .

But my goodness, that tongue. . . (Mr. Lime is a lucky, lucky man. . .)

Saz said...

great that you are on such form...and when I feel like some masochistic self flagellation by way of your tongue i shall send you an award...i seem to recall I did in the early days of my blog life...and I obviously got away scott free...
praps you simply ignored them in them thar days..

saz x

Matt Conlon said...

"...and she might have given me the Man Who I Want To Cover In Chocolate And Lick Even More Than Hugh Jackman Award."

Is that to say, the man I want to cover in chocolate and lick, Even moreso than Hugh Jackman wants to cover him in chocolate and lick?

Every time I go into a public rest room, I end up thinking "crotch taffy", and inevitably end up grinning ear to ear while standing at the urinal. God only knows what the people walking by me are thinking.

...actually, I have a pretty good idea what they're thinking...