Monday, January 03, 2011

Be It So Resolved

I generally don't make New Year's resolutions. That's because I don't really care for New Year's as a holiday.

Don't get me wrong. I like having the day off, and I truly appreciate any day wherein the main activity is watching football. It's just that I find it a very flimsy type of holiday. Wow! We're turning a page on the calendar? Let's get drunk!

(You would think, from some of the stuff I've confessed to, that it would absolutely be my kind of holiday. Well, yeah, OK, maybe it should be. But it isn't. New Year's is amateur night. I went pro years ago, had a stellar career, retired, and was elected to the Hall of Fame on the first ballot. Watching the neophytes stumble around on December 31st is just painful.)

Be that as it may - and if you have more than three on New Year's Eve, but never more than two on any other day, it is - I have decided that this is the year I will actually make a list of resolutions. And keep every damned one of them, too.

I promise to smoke at least 7,000 cigarettes.

Yes, that's a bold one to lead off with, but I'm going to do it. I know it seems highly improbable, and I dare say that there are few of you who could do it, but I'm basically willpower personified.

I will eat at least 100 pounds of red meat.

I could have gone higher - heck, that's only about 1/10 of a cow - but the first resolution was so stunning, I'm willing to cut myself some slack on this one.

I vow to drink 100 gallons of milk, 15 gallons of cream, eat 25 pounds of refined sugar, and swallow at least 3 pounds of chocolate bon-bons.

This will not be easy, but I've got a plan. I'm going to do it gradually, meting out a bit of the task each day. Except for the bon-bons. With any luck, that part of it will be completed by January 4th.

I will spend a minimum of 600 hours on my couch, sluglike, watching other men sweat on my television.

Actually, that sounds as though I'm going to invite guys over to exercise and then drip all over my set, but you understand what I mean. I expect to have a full 5% of this one completed by the end of the first day. Yes, it will take a gargantuan and superhuman effort on my part, especially considering that I'll have to get up every so often to light cigarettes, eat hot dogs, put cream in my coffee, and grab another bon-bon, but I have faith in myself.

Now, some of you are no doubt saying, "Good Lord! This guy is going to be dead before May!" Yes, it may seem as though I'm setting the bar a bit too high for myself, and the stress associated with completing these tasks might kill a lesser man, but I figure if you're going to make resolutions, you may as well make them worthwhile and a true test of your character. If I fail, it will be a noble failure. Anyway, I'll relieve a bit of the pressure by lowering the bar a bit on my next resolution.

I promise to flip the bird to at least 12 other drivers.

That's only one a month. I have no doubt that opportunities will abound, and, if I put my mind to it, I could probably finish this one off in a single day. But, I'll let moderation be my watchword.

I swear to, at least twice, let the laundry pile up on my bedroom floor to a minimum height of four feet.

This one seems rather easy, but the laws of physics tend to work against you. Unless you let stuff get really stiff and crusty, the pile tends to topple before reaching the required height. I'll try my best, though.

I will look at the broken air conditioner, the broken television, the fourteen empty packing boxes, and the frame leftover from the no-longer-used futon in the back bedroom, and think about throwing them out.

Even without making a resolution concerning it, I've done this one at least 100 times over the past two years. I'm sure I can make enough of an effort to do so one more time in 2011.

OK, so some of you (all of you, if you have any brains) have come to the conclusion that I'm being facetious. I can't help it. I was born that way. However, in order to make your trip here something other than a total waste, here are some resolutions that, while actually hard for me to keep, I'll really and truly give my best shot.

During the roughly 52 trips I make to the supermarket to buy groceries, I'll actually NOT buy the cookies 5 times.

Every time I hit the cookie aisle, I tell myself that I don't really need to buy any. This year, I will steel myself and NOT buy the cookies once or twice. No, wait a minute, I said 5 times, didn't I? Whew! That was a fairly rash promise, but I guess it's too late now, having declared it in a public forum and all. I guess I have to do it. 5 times it is!

I will tell myself to start getting in shape for softball season, once every week, between now and April 10th.

You do realize that the expenditure of energy involved in this mental effort will burn a bare minimum of 15 calories, right? I'm exhausted already! And I should note that this will insure that, by the time the season begins in April, I will have done more than 90% of my teammates.

Finally, I absolutely vow to write a minimum of 100 blog entries that will be of interest to nobody, utterly inane, and serve no other purpose than to entertain myself. As a matter of fact, I promise to be so damned lazy that, at least once this year, I'll take an old post from two years ago, change a couple of things in it, and pretend that it's completely new!

Hmmmmmmm. Make that 99, and the other part completed! Yay!

Soon, with more better stuff.


Bruce Coltin said...

Wow! You will probably have to hire an assistant.

Jinksy said...

Now those are a whole heap of sensible resolutions. Many could do with following your lead...Enjoy the bon bons...

Lori said...

I like your thoughts on New Years Eve and setting resolutions...I do think it's kind of over rated...I usually blame my thoughts about it on the fact that I am so lame in that I don't usually have anything more fun planned then having some champaigne and watching movies at home. I would say my least favorite holiday is Valentines day.

I did get to enjoy a few football games on new years day myself.

I don't usually make resolutions but have made wishes or hopes for the new year. For the past few years I have picked a word for the year..last year I picked confidence and while I could stand to still gain more confidence I am happy to say that at the end of 2010 I was much more confident that at the start of it. Still pondering at my word for 2011.

Enjoy those cigarettes, milk, meat and football Happy 2011!

Daryl said...

Except for the cigarettes & red meat it all sounds doable

Pam said...

LOL! I think you can do it all. Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

Now I like these resolutions. A lot.


Kat said...

Your wife is a LUCKY lady. HAHAHA!! I'm sure she is gonna love that letting the laundry pile up and the 600 hours of tv watching. hehehe jk It actually sounds very similar to my hubby. ;)

Now these are resolutions I could stand behind. Very sensible of you. :)

Seriously though, thank you for the laugh. I needed that this morning. :) said...

FYI... I've found that it is possible to let the laundry pile up to four feet if you place the pile in the two foot space between the bed and the wall. Except for the whole football thing, this list could work for me.

Craig said...

I've made great progress in the art of flipping off my fellow motorists in a friendly, 'nothing-personal-but-what-you-just-did-was-an-incredible-jackass-move' manner. But 12 times a year would be pretty good restraint for me. . . ;)

A Woman Of No Importance said...

Will it count if I eat the bon-bons for you, Suldog?!

Great resolutions (apart from the smoking - that worries me!), but I do hope that you and your lovely missus have a splendiferous year, Sir! x

Anonymous said...

I've already broken my one New Year's resolution - I'm so ashamed.

Not really...a post about New Year's resolutions is a blogging requisite. We all want to know that no one else is any better at keeping resolutions than we are. It's easier to start a new year with the bar already set low. Except for the chocolate bon-bons; I set my consumption bar pretty high for them.

Jeni said...

Hmmm. How many cartons would it take to have smoked 7,000 cigarettes? Just wondering and too lazy to do the math. I'm thinking that since, in the past, when I would occasionally make some lame resolutions and would always fail miserably at them too within a matter of days, sometimes hours, and since I have resolved on numerous occasions in the past to quit smoking, that if I resolved to smoke 7000 cigarettes, since my resolutions always reversed themselves, maybe a resolution like this could work in the reverse for me and help me quit. Ya think? Wouldn't hurt to try it that way since obviously I'll probably still be smoking, huh?
Happy New Year, Suldog and I'll be here, waiting to read your inane prose and such -whether it be a brand-new piece or a re-run!

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

If telling myself to start anything was an accomplishment... well, you should see how the mess on my desk has spread.
BTW - If you buy cookies at a place like Sam's Club or Costco, you don't have to buy them when you go to the grocery store... even if you inhale them.

Nah, I didn't make any resolutions.

Michelle H. said...

During the roughly 52 trips I make to the supermarket to buy groceries, I'll actually NOT buy the cookies 5 times.

You do realize this can be taken at a different angle. You could keep this resolution every time you go to the store. All you have to do is keep your package count below 4 boxes for every trip.

Yeah, I'm weird like that. What of it!?!?

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

LMAO @ Michelle H.

Eddie Bluelights said...

By Red Meat do you mean Raw and uncooked LOL 100 pounds is ambitious unless you think you are a tiger.

7.000 cigarettes - that's 19.17 a day. Not bad but I thought you had quit smoking. LOL

The others should be a piece of cake - or are you giving that up as well?

Just looked up what "Flip the Bird" means! A goody, Jim! . . . but I do that everytime I get the car out of the garage. The ruddy pesdestrians will never let me get out of my drive! LOL

As for me . . . . no New Year Resolutions - much easier.

Your Re-Roast will be published soon - I'll ket you know well in advance ~ Eddie

Saz said...

..and you can have my shit load of chocs, as l seem to have become immune...l think its the gin intake Jim!

love this post!!
keep up the good work..

saz x

thanks for all your lovely words recently...manna to my ears and heart!

Buck said...

MY kind o' resolutions, assuming you substitute the 7,000 ciggies with 700 cigars. Easily done, with the exception of the traffic/bird one. Drivers here on THPoNM wave at each other in a friendly fashion (I am NOT making this up!) and "traffic" as most people know it is non-existent. Small town livin', and all that.

Happy New Year, Jim!

Crazed Nitwit said...

My arteries hardened just from reading this post!

Happy 2011 Sully!

Chris said...

You've set lofty goals, Jim, but I have no doubt you can make it all happen.

If you need help with the bon-bons, just let me know.

Ericka said...

not happy with the cigarettes thing - wth happened to gradually quitting?!?

i'll come to boston and serve you the red meat (at least a portion or two of it) if you edit the cigarette thing. i'll bring fruitcake too...

and then, i'll help you eat bonbons. gods, i'm an awesome friend.

Maggie May said...

Not all of them are good choices, Suldog. Hope you are joking!
I am trying to lose weight so that has to be my resolution.
Happy New Year.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip said...

"...spend a minimum of 600 hours on my couch..."

That's only a little less than two hours a day. I'm not seeing any challenge there at all.

As for flipping anyone off, the real challenge there is to do it in the grocery store when offended by someone's manner.

I don't even want to hear about throwing out broken stuff that might have some useful parts.

Jackie said...

I just shake my head and smile...
Jim's back in true style, and 2011 will be a very good year.
Hugs and smiles,

Thumbelina said...

"Just perfect.

My sort of resolutions. Inspired Jim, as always.
Thanks for a great giggle, nay, guffaw! on the first day of the month, nay, YEAR!

Now go rest. You must be exhausted. "

That's a 'recycled' comment. Check out CrazyCath 2008. ;0)
With a bit added on now. A bit like the post! :)

(I know you "get" my dry humour even if the others don't.)

Hilary said...

Now that's ambitious... just as I'd expect. :)

Wishing you and YOUR WIFE the very best for 2011.

i beati said...

refreshingly honest

Shrinky said...

That's the spirit, aim high! I'm concerned you're plying too much pressure on yourself here, but time will tell.. I'll be firmly behind you, my friend (at least 4,000 miles)!

lime said...

it's because it's amateur night that i prefer to stay put and have my kids get to where ever they wish to be early and STAY put. this year we all sat coccooned in the living room watching movies and dozing off before midnight. what a bunch of party animals.

if you read my post you know i've already resolved NOT to smoke, which should be pretty easy since I don't smoke to begin with. i figure that way you and i together can restore balance to to the resolution plan on the east coast. i may need to add your resolution about eating 3 lbs of chocolate bon bons though. that seems easily attainable for me.

Jenn Flynn-Shon said...

I knew this read awfully familiar...well the good news is you've already gotten one resolution out of the way good and early. And if I know you at all from reading you these past couple years I'm quite sure you're well on the way to checking a few more off the list as well.

Hope your 2011 is all you hope for and more! Funny, I refer to 2 nights as amateur night -- New Year's and St. Patrick's Day. As an Irish girl you wouldn't catch me anywhere near a bar on that evening...

Karen said...

My kind of resolutions! I'm behind you 100%! Happy New Year :)

Anonymous said...

Wait one ding-dong minute here...

You were born facetious?

All this time I thought you were Irish!!!


Anonymous said...

I'm going to have to measure my laundry pile when I get home - it's gotta be close to 4 feet tall. I guess it's cheating, though, because the first 2 or 3 feet are the laundry hamper.
I think these are very reasonable and admirable resolutions! Happy New Year to you and your WIFE :)

Anonymous said...

Sorry, the cookie aisle is a must for me, considering I am a Cookie Monster. But, since you have committed yourself to 5 deprivals (I don't think that's a word, but you get what I mean), I expect a post about each one of them and the effects it had on you. :-)