Fruitcake!

I've been called worse.

Those of you who have been coming here for a while might recognize this piece. It is from two years ago on approximately this same date. And also from two years before that, as a matter of fact. It's my biennial tribute to sloth!

(If you're new here, I'll give you a general warning: the longer you come here, the more you'll find out how lazy I am. As long as nobody threatens to dismember me, I'll keep reprinting scads of old stuff. My master plan is to stockpile 200 good* pieces in the archives and then never write again. I'll just trot the old pieces out on appropriate dates, dust them off slightly, and make them do their pitiful little dances into eternity.

* "good" is subjective, and I'm the subjecter.

The general warning also applies to what I laughably call "new" pieces. I'll recycle the same jokes often enough to deserve an award from The Sierra Club. It's not all bad, though. You can pretend you're part of an exciting social experiment! This could end up being the first totally green blog, with nothing but post-consumer materials.)

Be that as it may - and I've given you no reason to believe it isn't - here is my heartfelt plea for clemency concerning one of my favorite anvil-like desserts.

(By the way, in addition to this brutal foreword there will be a brutal addendum. See you then!)

A CONFESSION

I am about to make an extremely shocking admission, even for a reprobate like me. You should probably sit down. You might even wish to take a medicinal belt of booze. That way, the enormity of the truth I'm about to reveal won't send you into immediate cardiac arrest.

I love fruitcake.

There. I've said it. And I feel better for having done so, too. I admit it's not something very many folks would admit to these days. I've never been particularly reticent concerning my peculiarities, however, so there it is. Little fluorescent green things that purport to have been alive and growing at some point? Love 'em. Cake with an approximate weight equal to lead? Bring it on! Cherries of a bright red hue not found in any part or portion of nature? I just plain can't get enough.



I realize I'm in the minority these days. There's a whole bunch of unabashed fruitcake bashing going on. Many folks seem to have no better use for fruitcakes than to desecrate them. Some folks get their jollies launching them into space via catapults. At best, they are used as doorstops, or perhaps something with which to whack an intruder over the head.

I, on the other hand, like to eat them.

Say what you will about my taste - or lack thereof - I really love fruitcake, and it pains me every time somebody makes the blanket assertion that nobody likes the things and everybody dreads receiving one. I absolutely love receiving fruitcake as a present. As a matter of fact, the only thing I love more than receiving one is chowing down on it. Saying that nobody wants them makes it much harder for me to find one when I want one, and makes it damned near impossible to get one as a present (which I very much appreciate, by the way.) It seems that almost nobody is willing to risk incurring the wrath of the snarky jokesters who have made "fruitcake" some sort of holiday curse word.

Screw the self-appointed arbiters of holiday taste. I love fruitcake. And I'll defend it to the last delicious bite.

MY WIFE used to make a really great fruitcake, but she hasn't for a few years now. She lost her recipe and isn't one to improvise. Oh, the tears I've shed! That was my best shot at getting fruitcake for Christmas without having to buy one.



Look, if you have fruitcake that you want to get rid of, please don't hurl it into space or relegate it to anonymous doorstop duty. Send it to ME. I'd love to give it a nice home (in my belly) and I will sing your praises should you send me one. Here's an address, and you can feel free to pass it on to anyone you think might be interested:

Suldog's Home For Abused Fruitcakes
93 Winsor Avenue
Watertown, MA 02472

No joke - send 'em! Believe me, you'll build up whole bunches of swell karma points if you do. I look forward to you giving my mailman a hernia.

Previously Promised Brutal 2010 Addendum

I have already received two fruitcakes this holiday season.


To be truthful, it's actually FIVE fruitcakes. I'll explain.

One came from my Uncle Jim. He sends me one every year, God bless his soul. And a mighty fine fruitcake it is, too! His was made by monks, so it gets bonus points for being all religious and stuff.

I also received a box of FOUR smaller-sized cakes from good friends Thimbelle, Twinkie, and The Wrench (who doesn't get a link because he appears to be the only one in the family without a blog. Slacker!) I know that one of them is wonderful, as I was recipient of the full-sized version last year, but I haven't yet tried the other three varieties. I have no doubt they will be superb.

Let me be sure you know where I stand, though. As delicious as those I've already received are (or will be), and as thankful as I am for them (which is very), they will not be enough. More! I need more fruitcakes! Send them - NOW! - and if I don't die too soon after eating them, I'll be sure to keep you in my prayers.

Soon, with more better stuff (and maybe an extra fifteen pounds I'll have to shed before next softball season, but I'll worry about that when the time comes.)

P.S. My Uncle Jim's fruitcake came from HERE. Thimbelle & Co. sent theirs from THIS PLACE. Both are excellent, if vastly different. The one from the monks is heavy on raisins, for instance, while those from Collin Street have Pecans as a major ingredient. The photo of multiple fruitcakes on a snowflake background came from HERE. I have not sampled their delicious-looking treats, but I'm willing. The other fruitcake picture came from THIS JOINT, and the site has links to more fruitcake information and lore than you'll ever need in two lifetimes. I found the reading material to be fun. I haven't actually tried the fruitcake - yet. Again, I'm up for it.