Monday, April 05, 2010

Ask Poochie

The response to this was so overwhelming (and my responses so wordy) that I've decided it needs two days to do it justice. As a matter of fact, I might even make it a regular feature, so if you've got any more questions to which you need answers, feel free to send them to, and I'll use you (yes, I meant to say it that way) in another installment.

Meanwhile, here's part one of...

Dear Poochie:

I've been invited to a baby shower next weekend.

I hate baby showers. Loathe them with a vengeance. There's just waaaaaay too much estrogen at these things. And I have absolutely no interest in babies (born and unborn) and their accoutrements - I am incapable of mustering excitement over a onesie, tiny socks or the frequency of their (or anyone else's) bowel movements. Seriously, they sleep, they cry, they eat, they shit. How interesting are they?

I need advice on how to turn the invitation down.


Dear Jazz:

Ugh. Baby showers. I don't like them, either. The babies bounce off of you, hit the floor, and pretty soon you're up to your waist in babies. And you don't get clean at all.

I jest, of course. But not about babies. I can't say that I find them particularly interesting, either. I prefer having no interaction with humans until they're old enough to talk, and then only if they have a certain sense of decorum.

However, the question was how to turn down an invitation to a baby shower. I'd say that sending the letter you wrote to me, to whomever invited you, would probably do the trick quite nicely. Not only will you get out of this baby shower, you'll probably never be invited to another one for the rest of your life.

My guess, though, is that you wish to get out of it without appearing to be as rude and uncaring as you actually are, thus keeping alive your chances of getting birthday gifts from these people in future (as well as not having people point as you walk down the street, saying, "There goes the baby hater!") To that end, my best advice is to lie. Feigning illness should do. Call up the organizer of the heinous event and tell her you have a flu of some sort, and that you wouldn't want the expectant mom to catch anything that would jeopardize the health of her future rugrat. That way, it will appear that you're actually doing them a favor by not showing up.

They may ask you to send your gift anyway, since that's the way some of those people are. You'll still be screwed in that regard. Sorry!


Dear Poochie:

How does one get into the habit of exercising on a regular basis?


Yes, hugs are a nice form of casual exercise, and might even lead to something a bit more strenuous. However, I'd suggest acquiring a truly gigantic nasty dog, preferably one that is hyperactive, likes to chase things, and shows little willingness to come when called. Release the hound every morning when you awake. After you've taken care of your toilette - giving Fido a necessary head start - go out and try to wrestle him back inside. That should do the trick.

However, chances are you won't be able to drag the idiotic canine home before the time when you have to be at work, so you'll be late. If this happens often enough, you'll be fired. In that case, the following morning you should let the doofus dog out and good riddance to the hideous fleabag! You won't need him any more, as you'll get plenty of exercise going from place to place looking for a new job.

As your employment situation changes back and forth, repeat whichever step applies.


Dear Poochie:

How do we get 10,000 people to go to this web page and vote for the Kennebec Valley Humane Society? The homeless, abused, and hurt animals can sure use the help. If they vote once each day, we can save many lives.

Uncle Jim

Dear Uncle Jim:

Well, I'd be a hell of a Poochie (as well as a rotten nephew) if I didn't at least try to help! I don't know about getting 10,000 people to go to the website via this sorry excuse for an advice column, but maybe a few will. And, for the person above who wanted to get exercise? The shelter probably has at least one truly gigantic nasty dog that is hyperactive, likes to chase things, and shows little willingness to come when called. Why not go get yours there?


Come on!!! You can do better than that.

Anyways, here's my question. It has to do with this whole green movement and conservation. What I want to know is why nobody is advocating using both sides of the sheet of toilet paper?

Yours truly,
Ivan Toblog

Dear Ivan:

First off... "You can do better than that." I don't know where you came up with such a crackpot notion, but it's ill-informed and ridiculous. Stop it.

As for using both sides of the toilet paper, I'll go you one better. If you just let it dry out, you can use the same side over and over. Give it a try and see if I'm not right!


Dear Poochie:

Why did my blogging light burn out? I used to be so excited to blog that I would practically pee my pants. Alas, now all I do is pee my pants.

Forever Yours,

Dear Anonymous (and I kept it that way, because that's how you signed yourself. If you wanted a link, I would have gladly given you one. Then again, considering your problem, perhaps you really are embarrassed, so maybe I did the right thing, which would be a first):

To start, for your incontinence problem? If you want to save money, see my previous advice to Ivan. Even more cost-effective, maybe he'll let you use the other side of his!

As for your blogging light having gone out, you either need to be rewired or have your battery charged. In either case, I suggest lots of sex. Whether it's excellent sex or crummy sex, it will give you something interesting to write about. And if it doesn't, you still had lots of sex!

Of course, maybe the peeing problem is cutting down on the sex life. The solution is to find someone who gets turned on by such things. You might even make a buck or two. Of course, if you're already (relatively) happily othered to someone significant, that probably isn't feasible. So, instead, every time you feel the urge to pee during sex, just yell, "Look at that!" and then point at the window. When he gets up to see what it is, relieve yourself. Then resume the sex (unless there was a cop outside your window who arrested your guy for flashing charlie to all your neighbors. But, once again, it will give you something interesting to write about!)


Dear Poochie,

I have a few questions that have been eating at me.

1 - With all the injury and illness around me (broken toe and demolished tendon, 3 sinus infections, asthma flareup, wisdom tooth woes, concussions, vomiting, and now a torn meniscus) I'm wondering in whose cosmic cornflakes I must have spit and how to reverse the downward trend for the members of the House of Lime.

2 - What is the most effective method for dealing with a passive aggressive schmuck? I'd like a method not likely to land me either in the looney bin or prison.

3 - What color should I paint the den?

Yours truly,

That's an awful lot of questions, lady. Even someone as prone to neoplasm as I am isn't sure he has enough words in him to answer all of them. I'll try, though.

1 - Oddly enough, it was my cornflakes you spit in. In order to get relief from my wrath, you must send me all of your worldly possessions. If you don't, you can expect more evil to befall you! Send everything to:

93 Winsor Avenue
Watertown, MA 02472

Start with small things, such as cash, and work your way up to washers, dryers, refrigerators, and more bulky items like (I hope) a 60" flat-screen TV. Once your house is emptied out, sell it and mail me the proceeds. You can keep your husband and kids.

2 - Is it literally a schmuck, i.e., a male reproductive organ? If so, does the passive-aggressive part of it have to do with erectile dysfunction? I suggest Viagra, if you want the aggressive part more often, and saltpeter for the passive.

Let's assume, though, that you are dealing with a figurative schmuck. Is there a reason for the behavior, aside from general schmuckiness? If so, maybe you can defuse the situation by alleviating the schmuck's needs or desires. If that's too distasteful - or you don't have the means left to do so after you've sent me all of your worldly possessions - I'd consider enlisting others to do your bidding. After all, you've got a widely-read and popular blog, with lots of fans who will do whatever you tell them, so why not give the bum his comeuppance by siccing your internet minions upon his sorry ass? So long as you're careful with your language and stay out of it physically yourself, you can get away with an awful lot.

However, maybe you don't wish to encourage more schmuckity behavior, and calling him out in public might have that effect. My next best advice is to ignore the clown. There's little that pisses off a passive-aggressive schmuck more than ignoring him.

Whatever course of action you decide upon, be sure to start sending me all of your worldly possessions immediately. Otherwise, you're doomed to failure.

3 - The den? Tie-dye it.


Dear Poochie:

How do I toughen up my soft heart?


Dear Jinksy:

I suggest going out every day and finding as many puppies and kittens as possible. Kick each and every one of them, hard. By the time you kick the 500th one, you'll hardly cry at all.

However, is that what you really want? Why would you want to toughen up your heart? Having a soft heart is a good thing, my dear. Just make sure it isn't accompanied by a soft head!

I suppose what you're asking, though, is advice on avoiding heartbreak, right? You know what? The only way to avoid heartbreak is to avoid loving. And, if you avoid loving, you're avoiding most of the joy in this world. So, my true and heartfelt advice is to keep the soft heart. You'll hurt every once in a while, but not nearly as much as forever going around with a hard lump of cold steel in your chest.

There are two sorts of people in this world, Jinksy: Those who feel sorry for the chocolate bunny having had his ears bitten off, and those who bite the ears off of chocolate bunnies with great forcefulness and relish while a sneer curls their lips. One should always strive to be in the company of the former (of which, you appear to be one, and good for you.)


And on that sappy note, part one ends. See you tomorrow with advice concerning softball, dating, cats, and ham, though not necessarily in that order or in tandem.

Soon, with more heartfelt advice.


Michelle H. said...

Dry out the toilet paper and use it again?

Only if it's two/three-ply. All the other stuff disintegrates on contact.

Great stuff! Can't wait to see part two...

Bruce Coltin said...

Would you be willing to set up a hot line, so that we can call you for advice in the midst of an emergency dilemma?

i beati said...

and you skipped my important question in the spring of the year. too Romantic bones.

Cricket said...

Aha - the love child of George Carlin and Ann Landers! I knew it, Mr. "Sullivan." Your secret is out.

I know Ann Landers was fictional. That's ok. So am I.

Jazz said...

Thanks for your kind advice! I can't wait to see the second installment.

CiCi said...

You have some nutsy readers, glad I am not one of them. Oh, I guess I am!

Hilary said...

Fun stuff.. looking forward to part to.. or am I?

Daryl said...

Ann Landers and/or Dear Abby got nuttin' on Poochie

Jinksy said...

Very wise - I'll carry on loving and risking the heartbreak,thanks, but will desist from kicking poor defenceless animals - except maybe any who try to break said heart. They may receive a butt from my hard head instead!!
Have you thought about writing an agony aunt column in you local newspaper? I bet the sales would rocket...

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

Dry toilet paper... what a concept.
The next thing you know someone will say that we're supposed to use more than one sheet at a time.

Shrinky said...

Oooooooooh, make this a regular feature, pleeeeeeaaase??? Can I make you my life coach? The world needs your wisdom, and I agree with Bruce, considering all the emergencies I bump into, a hotline would prove invaluable.

Buck said...

Useful. Timely. Innovative! Especially the way you've gone about resupplying your household with Lime's stuff. Why didn't *I* think of that? (Not Lime, particularly, of course. I know someone else who has great stuff and is in need of angst-relief. Heh. Excuse me. I have somewhere to be.)

Sueann said...

Well my life is now complete. I have the proverbial how to's on one blog!!! I can rest assured that my life will be totally uncomplicated now.
As for the exercise advice. I will give that a try. I could also try to put a leash on this large dog and go for a walk which should end me up into the next county!!

Thumbelina said...

Priceless advice.
My life too is complete.

I await tomorrow's with bated breath...

Unspoken said...

This was great! I like to bite the ears off the bunny myself. Just sayin' :)!

Unknown said...

Poochie is all wisdom and wiseass! Brilliant.

Brian Miller said...

lol. too funny poochie...the only problem is as i started hanging up the toilet paper, it cut back on the SEX so i have no more motivation to

Sniffles and Smiles said...

I was not disappointed...this was every bit as wild and absurdly funny as I expected! Definitely a new, continuing feature AND a winner! Hugs, Janine

lime said...


a demented genius to be sure, but a genius nonetheless.

i intend to commence with mailing you worldly possessions very soon so as to reverse this bad karmic vibe i have going on.

Char said...

Your posts have always made me laugh, BUT, this is the funniest chit you've ever done. I would love to read more of Poochie's advice. Of course, if you decide not to, just give us your standard answer and tell us a big, fat-ass lie.

This is really great stuff, Suldog!

Janet said...

You just need to go ahead and make "Ask Poochie" a regular blog in addition to this one.Awesome stuff.
But poor Lime!!!! Bless your heart, I hope things improve for you soon!!