Wednesday, March 17, 2010

'tis A Great Day For The Semi-Irish

[Since I'm re-printing this for the third or fourth time, I'll head off some of the commentary I've received before: The hideous "Irish" dialect I use for much of this? Yes, I am aware that no real Irishman (or woman) speaks like that. That's the point. It's a caricature, as many portrayals of the Irish, in film and on TV, still are - and without even half the thought given to them that I gave while concocting my intentionally abominable character. If you find it offensive, well, THAT'S THE POINT. Duh.

And, if you'd like a more serious approach, try my Cousin David's past posting concerning Ireland, 26 + 6 = 1. Or, if you'd prefer seeing how the Irish were depicted in the popular press during previous centuries - that is, abominably (and perhaps, by comparison, there's relatively little to complain about now) try THIS.]

Ah, Sweet Jayzis, ‘tis Saint Patty’s day! Time fer th' wearin’ o’ th' green!

I’ll be startin’ me day off wit’ a pint o’ Guinness, and then a big tub o’ corned beef an’ cabbage. After that - Tura Lura Loo! - I’ll slap ME WIFE upside her gob and t’row me 26 kiddos down th' stairs, so they'll be gettin' ready fer mass in a proper way. After th' sarvice, I’ll punch Fadder O’Malley in th' mush and head on over to th' pub and meet Murph, Mac, Murph, Quinn, Tommy Fitz, Timmy Fitz, Jimmy Fitz, Murph, Sweeney, Sully, Sully, Big Sully, Fahey, Sully, and O’Brien for a few quarts o’ whiskey. Faith and begorrah! Then we’ll have a grand time whalin’ th' bejeezus out of each other until the blood runs in rivers, I tells ya! Toity toity toy! Then some more corned beef an’ cabbage an’ more whiskey an’ more Guinness while we tell each other tales o’ how, if we was still in the Auld Sod, we’d be beatin’ the snot out o’ whole armies o’ English arseholes. Ptooie!

O! Then th' topper to the whole grand day! The parade, by Jayzis! Won’t it be a foin sight to see all the lads and lassies dressed in their foinest and marchin’ down th' street? Ah, where’s me shillelagh? Another pint o’ Guinness, O’Reilly, and póg mo thóin!


Ah, th' barmaid is a foin homely lass, she is, but I’m a married man! Where’s ME WIFE? I want another 6 kids! Ah, ‘tis a foin day!


O’Toole, how are you? Go shit in yer fist, you boghoppin' son of a bitch! Where’s yer 42 kids? (*smash!*) Ah, Mullins! I thought that was you! Saints be praised, it’s good to see yer face!


And I don’t suppose you were after forgettin’ th' time you tripped me durin’ recess in th' fifth grade, ya bastard! Go n-ithe an cat thú, is go n-ithe an diabhal an cat!

Jayzis, Mary and Joseph! I’m so drunk I can’t find me own arsehole and it’s time fer me to go meet me 32 brithers an’ sisters who’re on th' police department and me 64 uncles on th' fire department an’ me 487 cousins who work fer the state because we’re all goin’ over to Seamus McCarthy’s house to play th' harp, drink more whiskey, eat more corned beef and cabbage, and then fight all night until we collapse in the street in a drunken bloody stupor. Erin Go Bragh!


I’m partly Irish. You don’t get a name like Sullivan or a face like mine without some Irish blood, but - God help me – I sure do hate to admit it sometimes.

The Irish are just about the only ethnic group that you can defame with impunity. Nobody is holding rallies to change the name of the Notre Dame athletic teams. The Fighting Irish. Try calling some college team The Hotheaded Hispanics and see how far you get. Throw an Irish cop with a larcenous streak into a movie or a TV show and nobody blinks. Hell, make him a drunk who beats his wife and has 12 unkempt bratty children. You might as well go all the way. It’s not like anybody is going to complain, least of all the Irish themselves. The Irish are just about the only group that generally ignores most of the stereotypes people throw around about them. For that matter, many of us seem to take pride in our rotten image.

When I say “us,” I say it with some reservation. Yes, I have Irish blood, but unless I tell you, you wouldn’t know that I actually have a higher percentage of Hispanic, not to mention French. I also have Yankee, which is English in origin, of course. And some Scottish. The Irish is pretty much only pasty skin deep.

So, by the stereotypes, this is my make up:

I’m a red-headed Irish Hispanic, so I must have a hair-trigger temper. However, being French, as soon as you stand up to my temper, I’ll surrender. Since I’m also English, I’ll probably make a very wry joke while doing so. The Scot in me would like to make a buck out of the whole deal.

I like to eat potatoes at every meal, but I’ll have snails, greasy beef and haggis with them. Oh, yes, with jalapenos on the side. I’ll also have a heaping helping of spotted dick for dessert, but petit fours will do in a pinch.

I’m up for just about anything sexually, of course, but would you mind not shaving your armpits? I might slap you around a bit, but later you can tie up the English side of me and put a whip to my butt, so it’ll even out. Since I’m also a Scot, if you want me to wear a kilt while we’re doing it, I’m OK with that.

I think Jerry Lewis is a genius, but Monty Python, Cantinflas, Billy Connolly and the first half of this post also make me laugh. I drive a Jaguar low-rider powered by peat, but never on toll roads. I wear a beret on top of my sombrero, as well as a derby under it. I work for the government, I sponge off of the government, I am the government, and I want to overthrow the government.

Ah, that’s enough of that, I suppose.

(Just in case you’re really wondering, about 1/3 of the above is true. I’ll leave it to your imagination which 1/3.)

(Not the Jaguar, that’s for sure.)

So, I don’t really have much of a point here, but I’m glad you came along for the ride. If I’ve upset you in any way, just be thankful that it isn’t Bastille Day tomorrow. Or Cinco De Mayo, for that matter.

Soon, con mas (whatever the French word for “better” is) stuff, Bucko.


Jazz said...

It's like a tradition this post. I expect it on March 17.

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip said...

It's a first for me.
I suppose I should read it before I comment. But being a typical Irishman myself, I won't let a lack of information stop me from commenting.

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip said...

On that note, I'll just leave you with a little tale:
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Oh and I don't believe a word of that 1/3 business.

Jeni said...

Doesn't the mere mention of St. Patrick's Day tend to get just about everyone hunting back through their ancestry to find some person way, way back in the line who infiltrated one's tree and therefore giving each of us a wee bit of the Irish blood though?
I'm not, ethnically speaking, the least bit Irish -Scottish and Swedish are my own roots. But, my kids have Irish in their blood so, as their Mother, I lay claim to a bit of Irish then by infiltration -of a sort - I guess.

Regardless -the Wearing of the Green seems to infect almost everyone on this day and I've even been known to enjoy ingesting a couple of green beers to help in the celebration along the way too.

Peace -and Happy St. Patrick's Day to you and everyone else too!

♥ Braja said...

You were drunk on Irish whisky while writing, right?

Cricket said...

Priceless reprint. It always leaves me laughing mo thoin off.

I'm a drinker with a writing problem.
- Brendan Behan

Beannachtai na Feile Padraig, mo chara.

Michelle H. said...

Ah, I do so enjoy reading this on Saint Patrick's Day. The good laugh brightens my whole day.

I’ll also have a heaping helping of spotted dick for dessert

Is that a misnomer for some type of regular food and not actual... uh... yeah, dick? Not sure you have to explain why it's spotted, only whether it's... that part of an animal's body. Or is this the 1/3 of the post that's not semi-Irish true?

Linda said...

And a Happy St Patrick's Day to you, too! Growing up, my dad wore orange on this day just to get everyone else's goat, since his small bit of Irish genes were from the north.

Marrying into a very Irish clan has taken over my small bit of orange and Swede and we happily wear green today.

(Thank you for your nice comment on my blog this week)

Brian Miller said...

its like a pot o gold at the end of the

Suldog said...

Michelle - Spotted Dick, while always funny to say, is an actual dessert, and not a piece of anatomy. It's English.

Ananda girl said...

Suldog-- I loved this one... and your cousin's post too. My girl's fella is half Irish and half Mexican... he calls himself a "green bean" !

Happy St. Patrick's Day... do lift a pint to me and I will to you, sir!

Craig said...

I have a friend who's truly Irish - only been in th' States fer ten yahrs, dontchaknow - and he says, "What the hell is this Green Beer shit? Nobody in Ireland drinks green beer. . ."

The family I was raised in is pretty much yer basic, stolid Yankee/English and Pennsylvania Deutsch. Dad married into more English and Scottish. My birth-mother is the same Yankee/Penn-Deutsch that my dad is, and me birth-father is Irish and Norwegian (WTH?)

But I've definitely got the 'boatload o' kids' thing down pat. . .

i beati said...

Jayzis I miss a good ole parade !!

Unspoken said...

You are always good for a laugh! A kilt, huh? Oh YOUR lucky WIFE! haha :)

Sueann said...

ROFL!!! Love tradition!!! And kilts! But I miss the bagpipes playing and I am not even Irish!

Maggie May said...

Be gorra.... you're part Irish..... well yes....... I suppose you got to be with a name like that.
Hope you had a great St. Patrick's day.

Now why didn't I think of selling the washing machine privately with extras? !!!!!!!! Ha ha!

Nuts in May

Buck said...

There's no Irish in my blood but that's never kept me from a good party. Or a bad one.

FR for better: mieux.

Happy St. Pat's day!

Saz said...

meilleur means bteer....mieux mean a potential post would be meilleur...

clear enough???LOL

I'm french/english and a little bit italian... my kids are scottish/irish and french/english and italian...l think according to their moood, whim and mettle they swap betwixt ethnicity and ethnic origin..and yes there is a difference....

back soon with tant mieux, or plus meilleur...what do l know

CiCi said...

WhooHoo, Happy St Patrick's Day to you and your mystery date wife!!!

(not necessarily your) Uncle Skip said...

I forgot to pass along the blessing:

May those who love us, love us; and those who don't love us,
may God turn their hearts;
and if He doesn't turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.

Unknown said...

You really ought to have that spotted dick checked by a doctor. It sounds like a serious problem!

Angela Christensen said...

No need to worry about a post for St. Paddy's. If anyone asks me, I'm pointing them here. Thanks, Suldog!
Love, love,
Angie (granddaughter of Daniel McCaffrey) at Eat Here said...

You won't believe it, but I celebrated at the local Cracker Barrel this beer, just great corned beef, cabbage, carrots, and potatoes. I was really surprised at how good it was. I was where me mother want to eat and it was great.

Hey, I a Scot anyway!

Daryl said...

Still funnier than the drunk kids here after the Parade ..

Matt Conlon said...

By far the most offensive Irish slam ever... and as an Irish lad, I think it's funny.

Chris said...

Never gets old, Jim, never gets old.

IT (aka Ivan Toblog) said...

...and the corned beef was fork-tender last night and the reuben will be as good today.

lime said...

this one has cracked me up in the past and continues to do so. thanks for the other links too. i enjoyed them as well, learned a thing or two.

i may have said it in past years but if i didn't...i know i am half greek so that opens one up to a whole other set of jokes. however, i did once enjoy telling an uppity frenchman "my ancestors were working on math, philosophy, art, and architecture while your ancestors were still smearing charcoal on cave walls."

Unknown said...

I drive a Jaguar low-rider powered by peat, but never on toll roads
is the best line ever.

Those of us who are 75% of the Emerald Isle persuasion like to refer to St Patrick's Day as Amateur Day. It is the one day of the year I don't drink ;-)

Ruth and Glen said...

Belated Happy St. Patrick's Day Jim. Enjoyed the reprint as much as we did the first time. :o)

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