Friday, November 13, 2009

Poindexter & The Scary Clown

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Poindexter.

(I know some of you find this hard to believe, in a day and age when every boy is named Jason, but it's true.)

Poindexter lived in Utah, in a big house made out of green jello.

One day, a scary clown knocked on Poindexter's door.

(It wasn't so much a knock as it was a shplooge, which is the sound you make when you bang your fist against green jello - if you don't believe me, try it yourself - but I said "knock" because if I said "One day, a scary clown shplooged on Poindexter's door", God only knows what you'd imagine with your filthy mind.)

When Poindexter went to see who had shplooged on his door, he saw the scary clown standing on the front porch!

(Oh! Did I mention that the scary clown was made out of ice cream? Well, he was.)

The scary clown (made out of ice cream) ate Poindexter. And everybody else in Utah was happy because nobody liked Poindexter.

(They weren't especially fond of the scary clown [made out of ice cream] either, but he could eat them, so they said nice things about him even though they didn't mean them.)

Poindexter, even though he was eaten, wasn't worried. Being a Poindexter, he knew that a scary clown made out of ice cream was ridiculously vulnerable. Poindexter had watched The Weather Channel that morning, so he knew it would be 86 degrees later on (that's 30 degrees Celcius) so he just waited for the scary clown made out of ice cream to melt. And so he did. And Poindexter returned home to his house made out of green jello and lived happily ever after plotting various revenges against the people who were happy he was eaten.

The End

This is what happens when you give me awards. If I'm not insulting the person who gave me the award, I'm making up extremely silly shit (which is pretty much what I do most of the time here, anyway, but not with such a handy excuse for my behavior.)

Green Jello (See how I worked her blog handle into the story? How clever am I! Not very. Shut up.) gave me The Poindexter Award. Why? Apparently because I admitted to liking Sudoku. See, out in Utah (where the median IQ falls somewhere between 67 and thinking that it's pronounced "ick") doing Sudoku puzzles is a sign that you're some kind of Einstein. At least, that's the impression I got from her previous post, to which I admitted that 3 of the 10 things applied to me.

Wow. So far, this is convoluted and stinky! And if you think it's going to get any better, you don't know me very well, do you? Anyway, I should have saved a whole bunch of time by saying she's a Mormon and that Mormons really suck. I don't know for sure if she's a Mormon, though.

[*waits a beat for comic effect*]

(See, I didn't take back the part about Mormons in general? I only expressed doubts about her being one? That's kinda funny, in a pre-1960's KKK-ish sort of way.)

Hey, I bet right about now you'd like to know more about The Scary Clown Award! I got that one from Pouty Baby. She gave it to me about five months ago.

(If you go to the link, it appears she didn't give it to me, but to someone else. She did give it to me, though. I have the e-mail from her to prove it. She probably changed it on her website when I ignored it, which was rude of me but explained more fully in the following.)

I was so thrilled to get it, I forgot all about it until just now when I was going through some old e-mails looking for one I had meant to answer from an Ethiopian lawyer who assures me I had a long lost uncle who was Minister Of Finance and who died and I stand to inherit 10,000,000 East African Shillings (which as I understand it are worth 24 Lire apiece, so when I find it, it's goodbye to you goons!) and there it was. She gave it to me for my other blog, The Talkback Button, which hasn't had a new posting since before Windows 6 came out, let alone Windows 7! Snort!

(Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Maybe I deserve The Poindexter Award.)

According to Pouty Baby, here's why I got The Scary Clown award:

The Scary Clown Award is given to blogs which display a great sense of humor, and just the right leaven of attitude!

Leaven? That's like yeast, right? My blog is all yeasty? Yuck! Let me smear it with some Monistat and then we can continue.

Actually, this was all well and good until we got to the part about scary clowns.

(Well, not all well and good. It was convoluted and stinky - still is - but play along, okay?)

MY WIFE is afraid of clowns. The medical term for this condition, by the way, is Frolicphobia (which she made up and I'm getting it into print before someone steals it and makes millions from it, like Vince McMahon did with Spinerooni.) And I don't appreciate getting awards that play on MY WIFE's neuroses. If you want to scare me, that's one thing. Go ahead. My biggest fear is that all of my female readers will send me naked photos of themselves to 93 Winsor Avenue, Watertown, MA, 02472, so please, if you must frighten someone, I'll take it like a man. But leave MY WIFE out of your sick gruesome fantasies, Pouty Lips.

(Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Pouty Lips. I wonder if that has anything to do with the yeast infection? Oh, it's not those lips that are pouty? Well, you just became about 45% less interesting, but you're probably more comfortable when you sit down. And your name is Pouty BABY, anyway, but then the joke don't work.)

Speaking of Green Jello, I wasn't, but now I will. She thought she got off easy before. Hah! You never know when my drugs will kick in and I'll remember you. Just remember that! Remember what? No, what's on second. Who's on first? I don't know. Third base!

Did I have a point here? I hope not. If I did, I'm sure doing a lousy job of making it.

I just realized that I have no idea where Yeasty Lips lives. Her husband, if she has one (and, if so, God bless him) might be outside my door right now with a shotgun, just waiting for me to stick my head out so he can blow my face off. Let me check!


(Man, that's gonna smart when I'm sober...)

Look, folks, it should be painfully obvious by now that I'm all out of things to say about awards. Give me a break, will you?

(Yeah, like that's gonna work. I've asked them to not give me awards before, and I've even been nastier than this before, but nothing seems to stop the bastards from giving me the damn things. Maybe some reverse psychology? Might as well try it; I've tried everything else.)

Yay! Awards! Give me as many as you have! I love them! I crave them! I can't live without them! The more rules I have to follow to accept them, the better I like it! I especially like the ones in foreign languages and those which feature anthropomorphic animals!

[*looks over shoulder to see if anybody is buying this crap*]

Um... look, just lay off, OK? If you don't, I'll send Green Yeasty Jello Lips over to your place to sit on your couch naked and read to you from the Book Of Moroni.

(Unless I can get her to come to my place first, or at least send photos.)

Soon, with more bitter stuff.

DISCLAIMERS: From the limited personal interactions I've had with them, attendees of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-day Saints appear to be a swell bunch of folks. All insults were an attempt at failed comedy. Anyway, I'm in favor of polygamy, if that helps. And, so far as I know, Pouty Baby has an entirely yeast-free genital region. I'm sure it's lovely. If I find out differently, I'll be sure to update you.

42 comments: said...

That was a good wake up piece. At least I got a piece of something this morning!

Reasons said...

Oh how I missed you Suldog.

Michelle H. said...

Oops! Um... you might want to skip going to my blog today because... well never mind. Just don't go there today. I posted before reading your post and it's Friday the 13 and you know how bad luck appears.

Anyway, I LOVE Sudoku puzzles! I can't get enough of them.

yes, that's my effort in kissing butt before you flay me for unspecified reasons on why you shouldn't read my post today, although I truly do love playing those puzzles

Word verification: "rucka." Sounds like the name of a yeast infection product.

Uncle Skip said...

Ya know, Jim, it is said that when you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.

verification word: uning. That's the easiest one I've had in awhile.

GreenJello said...

Ah, yet further evidence that you so deserve the Poindexter Award... you figured out that I'm Mormon. :)

And as far as polygamy, I'm all for it. That would mean I could come home from work and my wife would have a hot dinner waiting and the house cleaned.


(Word verification is "wishema". Rats. Even the universe knows it'll never happen...)

Anonymous said...

Oh, you are good when you're all fired up. Thank you to Green Jello and Pouty Baby who were brave enough to give you awards and risk your wrath for our amusement. It's bit like bear baiting, isn't it?

Marian Dean said...

What did you have for breakfast this morning???
Take a laxative tonight Jim.

Love Granny

i beati said...

did you win the Poindexter Award ??I am now getting as huge bowl of Breyers Vanilla and covering it with chocolate magic shell Thanks so much my hips thank you

Thumbelina said...

I love Sudoku puzzles too. Does that mean I'm a Mormon?
I'm going to read Michelle's post. It intrigues me.

And kudos to Green Jello for her sports(wo)manship! You SOOOO deserve her award.
(I liked the story at the start though. I think I might be as warped as you....AAAARRRRGGGHHH)

Also - take your Uncle Skip's advice. Or buy a shovel. ;0)

Word veri = "furta" - you keep digging furta.... :)

Desmond Jones said...

Mmmmm. . . Sudoku puzzles. . .

not your Uncle Skip said...

I gotta fix that linkup thingy so it says something a little different.

V.W.: droquenn - is that anything like a harlequin?

Okay the thingy's fixed.

Chris said...

I'm noticing your use of the phrase "attempt at failed comedy". I'm led to one of two conclusions:

1. You actually meant a "failed attempt at comedy" which would be mostly untrue or . . .

2. You're actually trying to fail, which I wouldn't put past you at all. Just another twist here in Suldogland.

Suldog said...

Knucklehead - Shoot. I forgot I have actual teachers reading these things. I should watch my syntax more closely. Or I should more closely watch my syntax. Or my syntax more closely watched should be by I. Or maybe I should just pay it and be done with it. Yes, I was trying to fail. Thanks for the out, teach!

(Imagine that. I'm getting corrected on grammatical issues by someone named 'Knucklehead'. I think I've bottomed out.)

Linda said...

Please! No one else give Suldog an award. Although reading this was sort of weirdly riveting, like seeing a muffler on the side of the road, then a tire, then a hood- WTH is waiting for me around the next corner?

Buck said...

Anyway, I'm in favor of polygamy, if that helps.

I don't think I'd wanna be you when YOUR WIFE reads this. Unless she's of the same mind as Green Jello where dinner-on-the-table-after-work is concerned... but I kinda-sorta think that's stretching it just a bit.

Suldog said...

Buck - Well, just because I'm in favor of it, as a concept, that doesn't mean I'm going to be practicing it anytime soon. I don't need to practice; I know how!

(Shit. Skip gave me some advice up above. What was it again?)

Desmond Jones said...

LOL @ Knucklehead. . .

I totally thought the same thing. . .


Buck said...

Well, just because I'm in favor of it, as a concept...

heh. Nice try. You KNOW how women think... and I think you're in Deep Kimchee. ;-)


i do believe this is the most original acceptance of an award i have ever seen in my life

bravo to you

Char said...

Oh Suldog, full of grace...
that's the end-all of an acceptance speach!

Shrinky said...

Guess it's true those acid tabs keep echoing back from the past, huh? This being your WAKING mind, mine boggles at what your dreams must throw out! This post has just got to be worthy of an award.. (wink)

Jazz said...

I love when you get awards I do... oh yah

Sandi McBride said...

If the receiving of awards is what does this to you, well, I have a closet full...I shall have to find just the right one!

Maggie May said...

I am ROTFL and its painful.

Really........ that really made me laugh and the Mighty Sam who is with me has just had an asthma attack due to excessive laughter & I am administering first aid.

Nuts in May

Hilary said...

How can folks stop handing them out to you when you're so very entertaining? Not possible.

And how very kind of you to search and find one from way back so that Pouty could be acknowledged... I guess it was the yeast you could do. ;)

Sniffles and Smiles said...

I'm always so amazed by your mental and literary dexterity ;-) You are a vastly entertaining writer!! No wonder people keep handing you awards...but you can be sure I NEVER shall!!! LOL...Hugs, Janine

Eddie Bluelights said...

Granny is right, Jim. Take a laxative and get it all out of your system.
At the start of your post I thought you were embarking on a piece of creative writing until I saw Awards and then I thought, "Ahoh! Watch out folks! Jim's on the prowl"
Incidentally I do crosswords - am I an Einstein or a Mormon (sorry Church of Latter Day Saints I mean Moron!)
Well done Green Jello and Pouty Baby for winding up uncle Jim. LOL

Jeni said...

It boggles the mind to read what has been swirling about in your mind at times. Funny as hell yes, but also a tad confusing. I just sit back and shake my head as I read these acceptance speeches!

Chris Stone said...

lol. am trying to think up an award to give you.... and rules to attach... lol.

i like the idea of a "stoney" award.... but for some reason the rules, i think, should have a 5 inches limit.

lol. *think i gotta work on this some more...*

Unknown said...

For a second there, I thought the Scary Clown story was a metaphor for the US political situation. Gotta get my mind out of the gutter of politics, I guess.


Eddie Bluelights said...

Good Sir.
I invite you to collect an award from my place. It is an interesting award called "Over The Top" says he running away as fast as he can LOL

Unknown said...

OMG! I can't believe I've never seen this blog before! Hysterical! I'll definitely be back, and often!

not your Uncle Skip said...

I just remembered there's green Jello in the fridge.

Carolyn R. Parsons said...

Oh are pure eeeevillle...

Jim you are hilarious!

I'm off to Eddie's place in my armoured rain's gonna get messy!

oh..word verification is morme...what is the universe up to?

Eddie Bluelights said...

Hi Jim
Jesting apart, I see my big sister, Maggie May has signed up as your follower.

She loves all this!

Suldog said...

My reply to Eddie Bluelights is over at his place, in the comments section of his post giving me an award.

Eddie Bluelights said...

Ah what a shame Jim.
Never mind I have an equally inspiring substitute award which you will just love to have among your valued trophies.
Please revist and collect my 2009 Friendly Blogger Award complete with my Winston Churchill, a sign of our good friendship he! he!

Bring it on Sully! I'm waiting there for you!!

Ruth and Glen said...

Wow. . . had no idea where the beginning of this story was leading us to but what a ride it was! :o) Always enjoy your hazings when you receive these awards.

Eddie Bluelights said...

Hi there my marvellous blogging adversary.
I am delighted you have taken up the gauntlet and will eventually accept my Friendly Blogging Award with a middle word I just cannot read.
However, in view of the Winstan Churchill jesture I affectiobately call this award my "Up Your's Award" and so far you are the only one I can think who truly deserves it! Gosh what have I done!!! Help!!
I'll alter my post yet again to bring it all up to date.

Love all this stuff and I'll read your other post tonight.
Until we meet in battle ~ Eddie

lime said...

i think you should invent the green yeasty lips jello award to thank all the bestowers of awards.

lordy, i am nto sure i want to imagine the button for that one though.

Unknown said...


What more could I possibly say? Except maybe is there such a thing as a NON-scary clown?

Susan English Mason said...

Would you like me to withdraw the Scary Clown award for the sake of your wife? We will call it the Monistatic Mouth Award in honor of your humor. Or would you rather keep the Scary Clown?