Monday, February 09, 2009

Michelle Hickman Gave Me PD!

I went to the doctor this weekend and here's the conversation we had:

Me: Hi, Doc.

Doctor: Hello, Jim. What can I do for you?

Me: Well, there's this woman, see, she’s a blogger, and she gave me... well... it's awkward, Doc.

Oh, come on, Jim! I'm a doctor. Do you think I haven't heard it all before? There’s no need to be embarrassed.

Me: Well... Uh…

Spit it out, Jim.

Me: Doc... Michelle Hickman gave me… Premio Dardos!

My doctor tried to keep his composure, but I heard the sharp intake of breath. Meanwhile, I broke down crying.

Doctor: There there, Jim, we’ll work through this together. You’re not the first person to get… Premio Dardos.

Me: I know, but… Michelle seemed so sweet. I never imagined she’d give… PD.

More sobbing on my part.

All right, Jim. Stiff upper lip and all that. Here's what you have to do. I'm giving you prescriptions for penicillin, amoxycillin, and three different sulfa drugs. Be sure to take all of them. Also, buy a bottle of A-200 and a lice comb. In addition, I’d advice dunking your junk in Listerine once every two hours. Finally, I know you're a man - and a manly man, at that - but it wouldn't hurt to invest in a couple of tubes of Monistat. And if anything falls off, put it in a plastic bag with ice, and...

At which point, I fainted.


Never heard of Premio Dardos? Neither did I until Michelle gave it to me. What it is, actually, is an award.

And we all know what happens around here when I get an award, don't we?

Yes, we do.


I truly do like Michelle, and would rather not have to kill her. However, what she did deserves retribution that is both swift and thorough. You see, she not only gave me PD, she also asked me to complete a meme - BOTH in the SAME post!

The enormity of her transgression is amazing. She tagged me TWICE in the same post. TWICE!

She certainly looks like a lovely young lady, but I'm thinking her photo must be a put-on because you need to have balls the size of cantaloupes to tag me TWICE in the same post.


Let's start the bloodshed with the award.

"Premio Dardos". Huh? Come again?

It appears to be a romance language, but what country it might be in love with is beyond me. I'll hazard a guess and say that the first word has something to do with excellence, or perhaps being of the first rank. If that's the case, Michelle found the right guy for this award. I'm certainly rank. But, "Dardos"? Glixynobbus? Pushtart ek der glabble globble? Yes, please, and a side of liverwurst.

Yeah, smartass, I Googled it. All that came up were references to other blogs that had already won the award. This award appears to be proliferating faster than a squadron of jackrabbits on Viagra. That's because one of the rules says that you're supposed to pass it on to FIFTEEN other bloggers.

Oh, Judas Iscariot on a tricycle! There goes everybody running away and hiding! Get back here, you cowardly bunch of poofs! I'm not going to give you PD! If everybody else on Teh Interwebs is dosing 15 people at a time, you'll get hit with it sooner or later without me having to take the fall for it.

Can I ask you a question, though? Just what in the name of Satan's anus is that a picture of? Maybe it's a picture of Satan's anus! Your guess is as good as mine. It appears to be giving off steam, whatever it is. So, just what in hell is it? Is it a teapot? A radiator? A sewing machine with an internal combustion engine? Michael Phelps's new bong? I'm fairly positive that at least one of you has better eyes than I do. Can you make out what it is? And, after you do, can you please tell me why?

Oh, OK, here's the "why", direct from Michelle.

This award acknowledges the values that every Blogger displays in their effort to transmit cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values with each message they write. Awards like this have been created with the intention of promoting community among Bloggers. It's a way to show appreciation and gratitude for work that adds value to the Web.


Values? I'm displaying values? I suppose I am, but I wouldn't brag about them. If Michelle wants to be recognized as being associated with my values, so be it, but it shows tremendously poor taste on her part. However, de gustibus non est disputadum, as my grandfather said that time he was arrested for tattooing Mussolini's face on the neighbor lady's butt.

Better yet, I'm being accused of promoting community. I deny the charge, with vehemence. Anybody who's been coming around here for more than a few days knows damn well the only thing I'm promoting here is me. Anything else that happens as a side- effect I'm not responsible for. And, insofar as doing work that adds value to the web? If I'm doing that, the web sure must have been a nasty place before I got here.

Well, as usual, I’ll paraphrase Groucho Marx by saying that any award that has so little prestige attached to it that I’ve been deemed worthy of receiving it is an award that I want no part of. And then I’ll turn right around and make a lie out of that last statement by displaying the award proudly with all of the others I’ve received. This is because not only am I fibber, but I’m also an insatiable egomaniac. Thanks for being an enabler, Michelle!


Now on to the other part of this odious task, the meme. I’m supposed to go to the fourth folder in which I store photos and then post the fourth photo in that folder. Then I’m supposed to tell you something about that photo.

OK. Here it is.

This is a picture of My Grandmother, along with her sister, my Great Aunt Gerry.

Oh, the shame! To have these two lovely women be part of a post wherein Satan's anus is mentioned? Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea culpa! I've certainly learned my lesson. I'll never again be so snide when receiving an award. I'll do nothing but say "Thank You" to whomever gives me one, and praise the Good Lord for letting me be so fortunate as to have such good friends.

OK, not bloody likely, but I had to say something like that.


Of course, Michelle is a lovely person, even if she did give me PD. In one of her past posts, she spoke about how nice it would be if, instead of seeing ourselves as black and white, we were just different shades of gray. I couldn't agree more. So, she is my darker gray friend, as I am her lighter gray friend. And, despite the 1,200 words denigrating her above, I love her. I kid, because I'm a kidder.

But, just because I'm going soft here at the end, don't entertain any notions about YOU getting away with tagging me twice in the same post. I'll rip your head off and... well, you've been warned, that's all.

Soon, with more better stuff.


Marian Dean said...

I quote '''PD.This award acknowledges the values that every blogger shows in his/her effort to transmit cultural, ethical, literary and personal values every day.'''
So now you know.
Love Granny

Carolina said...

Michelle Hickman is a brave lady!

Christina RN LMT said...

Michelle is my HERO!!!

She deserves an award for giving you PD.

Jinksy said...

You express my sentiments exactly, and succinctly...pigs will fly before I post an award on my blog, but I do say a polite thank you in private to the kind hearted doners! They mean well, bless their little cotton socks.

lime said...

well i sure hope your dardos recovers and is soon in premio shape like i presume it once was....although if it is tirgid for 4 hours or longer you're supposed to go see a doctor about it again.

Angie Ledbetter said...

Oh, Judas Iscariot on a tricycle! Satan's anus! (How's about a spew warning for us morning coffee drinkers?) Geaux, Michelle!!

Feel free to come by for a bowl of virtual gumbo and/or add an ingredient...and also, the Arse bling is still available without strings attached. (Jinksy is wearing my arse around her neck. Ain't that nice?) :)

Angie Ledbetter said...

PS Is the PD a bottle of champaign with popping cork?

Anonymous said...

You are a very funny bloke, Suldog and deserving of all the accolades going, but I would not DARE to send you an award, and thank heavens I said only once that I thought that you might do a meme but I wouldn't ask because you were busy [or some such inane remark]
Michele deserves a medal and a warm blanket and cuppa for having done such a terrible thing.
Keep taking the tablets.

Michelle H. said...

I don't know what to say except the sides of my head are hurting from laughter, or is that from the PD?

For a post like this, I'm happy to have tagged you twice, my light gray friend.

Nana Net said...

When I am able to quit laughing I might be able to say something. LOL
BTW Thanks for the smooch on my blog! :0)

CSD Faux Finishing said...

Too much...or maybe not enough since I will definitely be back tomorrow for more. That is if you are still with us after such a strong case of PD.

Michelle you are a genius.

Michelle H. said...

He should be glad I didn't tag him 3 TIMES! I gave out 2 awards and a meme on that day. But having his heart defibrillated would not have been a good thing.

Buck said...

I can't add a thing that hasn't been said. BIG grins, here!

Daisy said...

That was hilarious, Michelle, quick, give him something else! Your Granny and Great Aunt look adorable, it is indeed a shame that they have been dragged into this shameful rant!!

Jeni said...

Well, in line with the qualities that the award is supposed to be honoring, I do think you do promote those things although there are times I might possibly question the "Culture" aspect. Today, being one of those days with the "Judas Iscariot on a tricycle" and "Satan's Anus." Not that I objected to those as I am not generally considered to be a person of great culture so that would be understandable then that I would appreciate terminology of that ilk, wouldn't it?
Which probably also then explains why I have you on my reader and return faithfully everytime you have a new post and I recommend your blog highly then to for others who enjoy the type of writing and humor (especially the humor, which is fantastic) that you put forth on a regular basis!
(Just send the check soon for my blatant promotions of your blog, OK?)

Anonymous said...

What a great contribution from you!

Btw: Thanks for the comment and visit from Lime's. I can tell you know here well :-)

~j said...

wow....many thanks to michelle being the catalyst of this wonderful post.

Cath said...

Maybe some of us like the sound of heads being ripped off.... especially the Suldog way.

Love it when you're on form. There are worse things than PD. Not many, but they are still worse....

Hilary said...

Ya gotta love Michelle for her courage - and for knowing that when she gives you an award, she's really giving your readers a fine gift. Thanks for the laughs.

I believe the PD is an old-style typewriter (aren't they all?) with words/phrases rising from it. Here's a larger view of the award.

david mcmahon said...

You crack me up, Jim!

Jazz said...

Damn, I can't wait to get some award just so's I can pass it on to you. Oh yeah!

Anonymous said...

She is one brave woman! She knew what she faced and still went forward! Congrats to you both!

Dev said...

I bet your grandma and great aunt are honored to be in a blog that mentions satan's anus ;)You made me produce laughs so hard I barked and scared my cats!

Suldog said...

Hilary is right (as she usually is.) It is a an old-fashioned typewriter with words coming out of it. My apologies to Satan.

Kevin Smith said...

Well, I'm straightened out now. I thought that Premio Dardos was a Doctor Who villain.

Pat - Arkansas said...

Ye gods and little fishes!

:::still laughing:::

Judi FitzPatrick said...

Congrats on the award and having such a great pic to post.
I am still laughing, as usual, from reading your post; keep it up, the world needs as much fun and humor as it can get.
Peace, Judi

T said...

Congrats on the award!
Thanks for putting so much humor in receiving it.:)

Alison said...
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Alison said...

Premio in Italian means Prize. Dardos is Portuguese for Darts. Want to run with that one? Ha ha... run with darts? Man, I can hear my mother yelling at me now! Oh, sorry... off topic there for a second. Damn ADHD. Funny post sir. LMAO butt it grew back!

Melissa said...

How funny, thanks for the laughs as usual. Oh, and thanks for the get well wishes on my skinned up knee! :)

kuanyin333 said...

Oh, you're such a laugh riot to read! Your post was just what I needed today to lighten up!

PS I'm glad she's flowering again!

i beati said...

I pretty much stay away from people with pd....

A Woman Of No Importance said...

This was too funny, and you should be ashamed of yourself, those darling ladies on a page in which you expound on PD!

I have almost wee'd myself laughing, and at my age, that is tantamount to me suing you for PTSD!