Friday, March 16, 2007

It's A Great Day For The Semi-Irish!

Ah, Sweet Jayzis, ‘tis Saint Patty’s day tomorrow! Time for the wearin’ o’ the green!

I’ll be startin’ me day off wit’ a pint o’ Guinness, and then a big tub o’ corned beef an’ cabbage. After that - Tura Lura Loo! - I’ll slap ME WIFE upside her gob and t’row me 26 kiddos down the stairs, so they get ready for mass in a proper way. After the service, I’ll punch Father O’Malley in the mush and head on over to the pub and meet Murph, Mac, Murph, Quinn, Tommy Fitz, Timmy Fitz, Jimmy Fitz, Murph, Sweeney, Sully, Sully, Big Sully, Fahey, Sully, and O’Brien for a few quarts o’ whiskey. Faith and begorrah! Then we’ll have a grand time whalin’ the bejeezus out of each other until the blood runs in rivers, I tell ya! Toity toity toy! Then some more corned beef an’ cabbage an’ more whiskey an’ more Guinness while we tell each other tales o’ how, if we was still in the Auld Sod, we’d be beatin’ the snot out o’ whole armies o’ English arseholes. Ptooie!

O! Then the topper to the whole grand day! The parade, by Jayzis! Won’t it be a fine sight to see all the lads and lassies dressed in their finest and marchin’ down the street? Ah, where’s me shillelagh? Another pint o’ Guinness, O’Reilly, and póg mo thóin!


Ah, the barmaid is a fine homely lass, she is, but I’m a married man! Where’s ME WIFE? I want another 6 kids! Ah, ‘tis a fine day!


O’Toole, how are you? Go shit in your fist, you boghoppin' son of a bitch! Where’s your 42 kids? (*smash!*) Ah, Mullins! I thought that was you! Saints be praised, it’s good to see your face!


And I don’t suppose you were after forgettin’ the time you tripped me durin’ recess in the fifth grade, you bastard! Go n-ithe an cat thú, is go n-ithe an diabhal an cat!

Jayzis, Mary and Joseph! I’m so drunk I can’t find me own arsehole and it’s time for me to go meet me 32 brothers an’ sisters who’re on the police department and me 64 uncles on the fire department an’ me 487 cousins who work for the state because we’re all goin’ over to Seamus McCarthy’s house to play the harp, drink more whiskey, eat more corned beef and cabbage, and then fight all night until we collapse in the street in a drunken bloody stupor. Erin Go Bragh!


I’m partly Irish. You don’t get a name like Sullivan or a face like mine without some Irish blood, but - God help me – I sure do hate to admit it sometimes.

The Irish are just about the only ethnic group that you can defame with impunity. Nobody is holding rallies to change the name of the Notre Dame athletic teams. The Fighting Irish. Try calling some college team The Hotheaded Hispanics and see how far you get. Throw an Irish cop with a larcenous streak into a movie or a TV show and nobody blinks. Hell, make him a drunk who beats his wife and has 12 unkempt bratty children. You might as well go all the way. It’s not like anybody is going to complain, least of all the Irish themselves. The Irish are just about the only group that generally ignores most of the stereotypes people throw around about them. For that matter, many of us seem to take pride in our rotten image.

When I say “us,” I say it with some reservation. Yes, I have Irish blood, but unless I tell you, you wouldn’t know that I actually have a higher percentage of Hispanic, not to mention French. I also have Yankee, which is English in origin, of course. And some Scottish. The Irish is pretty much only pasty skin deep.

So, by the stereotypes, this is my make up:

I’m a red-headed Irish Hispanic, so I must have a hair-trigger temper. However, being French, as soon as you stand up to my temper, I’ll surrender. Since I’m also English, I’ll probably make a very wry joke while doing so. The Scot in me would like to make a buck out of the whole deal.

I like to eat potatoes at every meal, but I’ll have snails, greasy beef and haggis with them. Oh, yes, with jalapenos on the side. I’ll also have a heaping helping of spotted dick for dessert, but petit fours will do in a pinch.

I’m up for just about anything sexually, of course, but would you mind not shaving your armpits? I might slap you around a bit, but later you can tie up the English side of me and put a whip to my butt, so it’ll even out. Since I’m also a Scot, if you want me to wear a kilt while we’re doing it, I’m OK with that.

I think Jerry Lewis is a genius, but Monty Python, Cantinflas, Billy Connolly and the first half of this post also make me laugh. I drive a Jaguar low-rider powered by peat, but never on toll roads. I wear a beret on top of my sombrero, as well as a derby under it. I work for the government, I sponge off of the government, I am the government, and I want to overthrow the government.

Ah, that’s enough of that, I suppose.

(Just in case you’re really wondering, about 1/3 of the above is true. I’ll leave it to your imagination which 1/3.)

(Not the Jaguar, that’s for sure.)

So, I don’t really have much of a point here, but I’m glad you came along for the ride. If I’ve upset you in any way, just be thankful that it isn’t Bastille Day tomorrow. Or Cinco De Mayo, for that matter.

Soon, con mas (whatever the French word for “better” is) stuff, Bucko.

13 comments: said...

That was a fun read...wish I share a pint with ya my friend!

Anonymous said...

You know what St. Patty's day means to me? Stay out of Dorchester. I got lost there once on St. Patrick's Day and I was terrified of the drunken men roaming the streets.

Anonymous said...

Haha, you're just a regular old mutt like me. I'm English, Irish, Scottish, German, Norwegian, Japanese, and might also have a little aborigine tossed in. I figure a few generations down the line my descendants can be their own United Nations :-D

The Omnipotent Q said...

Your post makes me proud to be Irish, Suldog....LOL

Suldog said...

Mushy: Well, let's share a virtual pint. (raises mug) Cheers!

Rhea: Was that YOU?

James: My goodness, I think you might have me topped. I'm pretty sure Irish/Japanese/Aborigine has Irish/Hispanic trumped. Damn! I could have made all sorts of good racist jokes, if I had your background.

Q: Well, I'm glad something does...

Lisa Johnson said...

Have a great day tomorrow or I guess the whole weekend! My friend lives in S. Boston and is trying to plan how she can get around the parade, since she usually gets trapped at home or else can't get back home.

Suldog said...

Thanks, Anali!

Yes, it's a pain getting through or around parades. In order to get to work on Patriots Day, I have to travel across the Marathon route, and also again on the way home. It's so much of a pain - and delay, sometimes an hour all told - that I've taken the day off, instead, and stayed home.

Peter N said...

Fun stuff, Sul! Can't wait for your Passover post!

Chuck said...

I probably have a bit of Irish heritage...along with Welsh, Scottish, English, and German heritage...but trying to trace all my ancestors back to Europe is not easy. I do like beer, though, and potatoes, so I'll try to celebrate a bit tonight, but I'm working today and tomorrow, so it won't be your traditional Irish blow-out partying.

Melinda said...

Your post got me thinking (after I stopped laughing), and I realized that since I'm Irish-Scottish-German, with 4 generations of Canadians behind me, I ,must be a drinker / fighter who is frighteningly efficient and who has a penchant for nature, beer, and hockey.

hmmmm... this acually sounds a lot like me...

Happy St. Patty's!! Here's an Irish Blessing:
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
may the rain fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again (or blog again in this case),
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

Ali P said...

The French for better is meilleur (may-yeuh). Hope that helped.
Happy Irish Weekend bud. Montreal has partied hearty pretty much since Friday I think.

Suldog said...

Thank you, friends. I'll confer my favorite Irish blessing on you all.

May you be in heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you're dead!

(I've been out sick for the past two days, thus the lack of speedy reply to your wonderful comments.)

Michael Leggett said...

I'll raise a tall Guinness' to that, Sul!