Brooklyn, Chinese Food, And The Art Of Being Single For Two-And-A-Half Days

It’s Thursday and MY WIFE is going out of town, to visit my brother-in-law and help him move. He’s moving from Staten Island to Brooklyn. So far as I can figure out, her job is to sleep in his new place in Brooklyn on Thursday night and if she doesn’t get shot or stabbed, he moves in on Friday.

In any case, this means that I will be a semi-bachelor on Thursday night, all day Friday, and almost all day on Saturday. MY WIFE will be returning late Saturday evening – provided she wasn’t mangled during her Thursday sleepover. In other words, if you’re a hot leggy babe who’s had her eye on a bald 50-year-old for a one-night stand, Friday is your best shot. Bring Chinese food.

As a public service to those of you who would like to stalk me – and this includes hot leggy babes with Chinese food – here is my itinerary for when MY WIFE is away.

Thursday evening I will be visiting my good friend, and softball teammate for close to 20 years, Fred Goodman, who is originally from Brooklyn, so there’s a coincidence of a minor nature. We will spend the evening watching a concert video of Deep Purple live in Copenhagen from 1972. We will be having Chinese food, despite the fact that Fred is neither hot, leggy or a babe.

(As I understand it, Fred will also be dog-sitting for another friend. The dog’s name is Barney and he’s a cock-a-poo. Insert your own joke here. While corresponding via e-mail with Fred, to set up our play date, I whimsically inquired whether or not Barney might also like some Chinese food. Fred’s reply: “I hear he eats his own shit, so probably.”)

Fred and I became friends – and softball teammates – way back in 1987, as near as I can recall. I wasn’t totally there during those years, so it’s an estimate. We both worked for Blake & Rebhan, an office supply company based in South Boston. Fred was a salesman; still is, although now for W. B. Mason. I was manager of the company softball team, although they were paying me for warehouse work.

We bonded during a company Christmas party when we found out that we were both fanatical Deep Purple aficionados. The party was roaring and we were both well-greased, so we sang “Highway Star,” a capella, at the top of our lungs. We would have done “Smoke On The Water” for an encore, but for some reason the party came to an abrupt halt shortly after our first number.

We’ve been bosom buddies ever since then, actually SEEING Deep Purple in concert four or five times together, and Fred has been my rightfielder on most of the teams I’ve managed in the intervening years. Fred is, I think, nine years younger than me, but his tastes in music are similar – hard rock/heavy metal, with an emphasis on musicianship over flash.

As I said earlier, Fred is originally from Brooklyn. The following will give you some idea of what a nice friendship we have.

I sometimes call him “New York Jew Boy” without the slightest hint of concern or regret. And while I am “Suldog” to many, to Fred I am “Pooch” or “Poochie” or “Sulmutt” or “Sulhound” or any other permutation of my nickname he comes up with on the spot. We are utterly without embarrassment or pretense when together. Of course, Fred is utterly without embarrassment almost ALL of the time and that’s why he’s such a good salesman.

I expect that the rest of the time during MY WIFE’s absence will be decidedly downhill from my night with Fred. I’m not REALLY expecting any hot leggy babes bearing Chinese food, so Friday and Saturday will probably be spent in more mundane fashion.

The NCAA’s are still happening and the Celtics play Dallas on Friday, so basketball viewing will be my default if nothing better comes up. I still have a shot at winning a pool, if Butler beats Florida, North Carolina’s team plane is hijacked to Cuba, and the selection committee decides that Holy Cross should be reinstated as their replacement.

In other exciting news, I’ll be doing grocery shopping on Saturday morning and then going to the library to return some books. After that, I’ll spend the rest of the day worrying about MY WIFE’s safe return from Brooklyn.

(I like Brooklyn, actually. The little time I’ve spent there, mostly riding the elevated to and from Coney Island, has been fun. It’s just like any other metropolitan area – some places are safer than others. MY WIFE is no dummy and she knows how to handle herself in a city, so I don’t really expect any problems to occur. It’s just that, despite my blather about hot leggy babes with Chinese food, I would much rather she be in my sight. Given the choice of Moo Goo Gai Pan with Sandra Bullock or MY WIFE, I’d take MY WIFE. Of course, if it were Lobster Sauce with Pork Fried Rice and Britney Spears, it would be a tougher choice.

No, I’d still take MY WIFE. I don’t want an INSANE hot leggy babe, even if she DOES come with MSG.)

So there you go. That’s what I’ve got planned for Thursday, Friday and Saturday. On Sunday, we’ll be attending my two-year-old niece’s birthday party and then I’ll be taking Monday off since that will have worn me out. I’ll be back here on Tuesday - IF I have the strength.